Leave your comments to yourself. I'll just go and delete them anyway. I'm not interested in your frothing at the mouth counter arguments. I did not sully your pristine, shinier than shiny name. I did not drag your name through the mud. If that were my intention I would have brought up many other more personal, more scathing things that have pissed me off over the past years, and my words would be full of bitterness, not sorrow.

This is MY SPACE, the ONLY SPACE that I have in the world to air my grievances, as neither you nor any of our friends are interested in hearing me out whenever I have a problem. If I'm upset I am forced to bottle it up and let it fester. Do you really think that I'm going to let you manipulate what I say on here, by showing me your obsessive/compulsive behavior when someone says something that pisses you off, no matter how true it is? Do you really think that you can make me "check myself" on my own journal?

To paraphrase Jesus, it is not what goes into a man's mouth that defiles him, it is what comes out of his mouth that makes him unclean, because what comes out of a man's mouth comes from his heart. I think about this very carefully before I say something about someone. Do you? I did not do you wrong. I laid out a factual account of my grievances and I'm sorry that you're upset but what do you expect when I can't talk to you about any of this? You don't want to listen to me. It's either I air this stuff out somehow, or I lose my shit altogether.

Jason

PS - Contrary to what you might think, yes I am depressed.

Here is an article from National Review about IPTV:



I like the idea of being able to tailor-make your tv environment. I don't watch most of what's on tv. If I could have sports, educational programming, history channel, discovery, sci fi - I would probably have everything I want. I wonder how this will play out in the future, given that companies eschew technology advances when it won't make them money.

I don't like the fact that we don't have choices when it comes to certain things - like electricity and cable tv. It's true, Adelphia owns Buffalo. You can't get away from their advertising (I noticed that the big screen on Chippewa (e:Paul) posted about recently pimped Adelphia). Cable TV and other business sectors own monopolies all over the USA. In general I like my Adelphia internet - it is much much better than DSL and costs the same. I also like my digital cable. I've discovered lots of programming that I never knew existed. One thing I know for sure is that if other cable providers were allowed to compete with Adelphia in the Buffalo market we all would get better service and better prices. Will that ever happen? HA! No way - like the article says local governments are complicit in this kind of travesty.

When are utilities or cable providers ever subject to competition, like every other kind of business? I'm beginning to move toward the left when it comes to regulating certain industries - it is obvious we are being taken for a ride when it comes to energy. I remember back in Jamestown - the city of Jamestown has its own electricity company, under the authority of the city government. Service is great and prices are cheap. Oil companies are making record profits. Energy companies make backroom deals with politicians to screw us over.

I'm beginning to think that certain industries are too important to leave to our capitalist structure - energy being the most important. We also will be slow to receive technological advances in this industry because of profit concerns. There are so many political decisions made in the interest of keeping our energy needs intact. I can't wait for the day when we can tell the middle east FUCK OFF, KEEP YOUR DIRTY OIL. I am not naive enough to think this can happen overnight, but we should be making a serious push to a near-future of energy independence. Well, at least as long as it isn't in our own back yard!

Jason

I am a fuck up. A loser. A nobody.

I am fucking up so bad. I'm on the verge of getting canned. I can't bother myself to do simple things around the house. I can't take care of myself. I can't manage to pay bills even though I have the money. I can't manage to take my meds regularly. I can't manage to do anything but sleep lately. I don't get excited about anything. Going to sleep is the only thing I look forward to.

Everything that has to do with this is my fault. I did this all to myself. Joshy says my depression doesn't have much to do with it. Dad calls me asking me if I'm okay and I don't want to worry him so I always say "Yeah Dad, I'm fine, everything is fine." The truth is that no, I'm not okay, not by a long shot. I don't know what my problem is. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've written about this a number of times but I'm not improving.

I feel like something has to change, or else I will end up a street bum or, God forbid, in a ditch. I know this shit is too sad and too difficult to read so I don't blame you. I want to be happy, I want to be a success. I want to pull out of this mess and laugh about it. I just don't think I have the will. Everyone who talks to me worries more about how this shit affects them. Joshy says I am self centered and spend too much time thinking about myself. Yes, maybe if I worry about everyone else my problems will go away. I worried about everyone else for a long time and it got me used, leeched off of, thrown away, and so forth. As long as I keep at work and pull in those paychecks everyone will be satisfied with me. Nobody asks or cares or wonders about my state of mind until something drastic happens. The most important thing, the thing that's emphasized the most, isn't that I become a happy or that I learn to cope with my problems - it is that I go to work and pull in paychecks. As long as that happens it is A-OK that I'm a miserable unhappy fuck! It is easier for some people to shit out a solid gold turd than to offer me caring or encouraging words. I am done talking to my family about this shit. Never again!

So I promise I won't rant about this shit ever again. I'm done talking about it. Please hold me to it. You all have your own issues ot deal with. You don't want to read this crap. Sometimes I think if I don't get it out my head will burst open. I don't know how to fix this stuff and don't know if I'll be able to. In the coming months all will be revealed. I'm going to get some Sparks and cry myself to sleep.

Peace Out!

So (e:Alison), (e:Ladycroft) and I had a brief discussion about how women want to get laid as much as men do, and that we men shouldn't think that it's so hard to get sex. Whaaat?!? Tell that to every guy I know. Well first of all I usually carry myself like a scrub so it's no surprise that I don't have chicks wanting to get all up inside my jeans. But even so if we want sex we have to jump through hoops and play games and spend all kinds of money, plus pretend that we're not the hornballs that we really are.

So there are many people here who would love to have sexual relations, each of us with different moral lines drawn. What do YOU do when you're horny and don't have a penis/vagina to satisfy yourself with? Do you pull a Jason and scan your hard drive for your best high-quality porn vids? Do you self-serve to release the tension?

Some people say "I won't have sex with just anyone", and that depletes your boneable pool significantly. I see girls every day that I want to have sex with. They are so beautiful. Maybe that's just a male/female difference. If you want to have sex and don't have a reliable source I have some suggestions.

A) Find a "Go-To" sex partner who you really aren't interested in romantically, and who isn't interested in you romantically. You can be friends and whatnot, you can care about each other, but no romance. Just a little "Hey how ya been" every now and then.

B) Continue to be sexless, and do whatever it is you feel you have to do to feel better about yourself.

C) Sex-a-Thon 2005!!!

Now I know some of you are thinking "What is Sex-a-Thon 2005, and how can I participate?" Sex-a-Thon is an event made up by myself, (e:Jason), created with the purpose of satisfying everyones needs (well, almost everyone). Why should ready and willing (albeit, a little shy) people not have what they deserve? Why should people have to go sexless? Here are the rules:

A) All Sex-a-Thon events are to happen at one venue: 750
B) Sex-a-Thon will happen when (e:Joshua) is away
C) Only women are invited to participate (sorry boys!)
D) (e:Jason) will oversee each event and participate as well
E) There will be two divisions: one on one, and two on one
F) (e:Jason)'s word is law at 750. If he says face down ass up, he means it!

There you go. Happy fornicating!
Jason

Once again I had a messed up dream. Rhonda (some of you may remember her as the ex-friend I told to piss off) was trapped in a dangerous complex, and it was up to me to save her and get her out. It was different though, because whenever I saved her she was in another predicament, or she would run away. Eventually I got tired of running/flying after her and said "Why are you doing this?" So we got into an argument about how she doesn't want to be with me, and oh yeah she cheated when we were together. She used to always be proud of the fact that she never cheated on me. She used to always reinforce that. So in the dream I was like WTF? In the dream I wanted to be with her really bad. That does not reflect how I feel normally. I determined that wouldn't work out long ago. Shit, she couldn't even bother to give me the time of day when we were friends. That's why I told her to buzz off in the first place. Weird...

I've also been falling into a rut again - I really don't care about much. This includes many facets of my life including work, food, and health. I keep on forgetting stuff and messing up. I have no energy and no desire to do anything. I just don't care what happens to me. I do not worry. Nothing excites me. Maybe I just need to get laid. Maybe I need to be doing something that excites me. Maybe I need love in my life. I don't know. All of this shit seems out of my reach. One thing that gives me joy is to bring other people up, compliment them and make them feel good about themselves. I've enjoyed that lately. Imagine that, someone who feels so down but gets off on seeing others happier. I'll have to keep on doing that...

One thing I'm doing is trying new things. Today I am going to Shakespeare in the Park with the inimitable (e:Ladycroft). Remind me to get in a better mood over the next few hours. I've never checked it out so I'm intrigued to see what it's all about. Plus my neighbor is playing the part of Hamlet. I think it should be pretty cool!

Jason

I am in a Fantasy Football League via Yahoo with some friends of mine. We have some spots left, so if anyone is interested in playing FREE Fantasy Football and has a yahoo account send me an e-mail or a sticky.

Jason

PS - We are prone to talk junk to each other and use lots of foul language. If you are offended by that sort of thing then keep that in mind.

I had a great time at my friend's wedding this past weekend. I'll detail that in a moment but (e:Maureen) wrote some things that hit home and I want to talk about that stuff first.

I know so many women who say that their man has to be x, y, and z - and no less or else they are off the radar completely. It's astonishing to hear them read off their long list of requirements, especially the superficial things that automatically rule a guy out. I've heard some crazy stuff, like he can't have a computer in his bedroom or his nose has to have a certain shape. They look for the "A" candidate, the ones who have it all, who compose about 5% of the male population. When they don't find the ultimate man they sit at the coffee shop with their friends and ask "Where are all the good guys?" They don't even as much as recognize the existence of the "lesser" men and go through life being single and miserable about it. Some women prefer to live single and without a man, and I respect that. The ones who I've been describing are hard to listen to because they are so strict about what makes a man acceptable to them. Of course you can't say "lower your standards" to them because it will result in a major shitstorm - trust me on that one, ahem. Nobody deserves to be miserable but some people have to recognize that it is largely an effect of their own stubborn nature.

Anyhow (e:Maureen) based on reading your journal you seem to be a mature, loyal, calm, thoughtful young woman. You are driven and a hard worker. Oh, yes, you are also quite lovely. You have to recognize the good traits you have and know how important they are to the good men out there, the ones you really want. I'm not saying you have to lower your standards, but instead I want to emphasize that as long as you are reasonable and forgiving you will not be alone, I guarantee it. You have nothing to worry about, and actually I kind of laugh at how silly it is for you to worry about it. Out of my league for sure. You seem to be an A+ young lady, and I see an ivy league educated, handsome, great man in your future. Don't worry, and keep the focus on your school!

Along the same vein (relationships) I went to a wedding this weekend. It was probably the last one I'll have to attend for a while, and I'm really happy about that. Jerry, Josh and I are the only single ones left. Jerry is quite the ladies man so I'm sure he'll be next. Don't expect me to be married anytime soon - I don't think I'm meant to be in a relationship. I'm comfortable this way. Anyhow the wedding was really fun. We had a great time and got to catch up with some old friends from Jamestown.

Josh and I were about half way to Jamestown when I realized I had forgotten my dress shoes. Oh no! I was positive that Gramma had thrown away all of Grampa's old stuff, and I knew we would have ZERO time to go to a store and get some cheap replacements. I decided not to worry about it anymore until we got to Jamestown. When we got there, I had concocted a story about how I tripped and fell, dropping a glass, with my momentum bringing my foot on top of the glass and shattering it, cutting up my foot. Sneakers were just more comfy than dress shoes! This way I could not feel so responsible for looking dorky, with a nice pinstripe suit and Nike shoes. I also walked around the entire time with a fake limp, so everyone would "understand" my dilemma. Haha. I'm such a jerk.

Jason

"I think deep down the boys really do want the nice girls, but they convince themselves that they want a viper. When will they ever learn? Don't let it eat you up inside."

Good guys really do want good girls. The major problem is that real good girls are hard to find, and the good guys are often fooled by the fronters and fakers. Another problem is that the good girls sometimes also are horrible at letting the guys know they are up for some conversation and such. I'll bless (e:strip) with some knowledge about different types of nice girls and how they are perceived:

1) "Reformed" Nice Girl - This type is the 30 to 50 donger who is "sick of the bar scene" and the brutal (although hot) men she has had in her life. She wants to finally settle down and find a dude to be with, someone reliable and good, who isn't bothered by her dong count. For her being a good girl is a phase of time rather than a state of being. Good guys can be fooled easily by this type, but usually a little conversation outs them. I guess being reformed is better than not being a nice girl at all.

2) Shy Girl - She seems a little uncomfortable in her own skin, and rarely (if ever) gives guys buying signs to let them know she is interested. She gets very frustrated by all of the slutty women out there getting all of the attention. Even if she was interested in a guy, the guy would never know about it because she wouldn't give him the time of day. Guys miss these ones because the shy girl either seems unapproachable, bitchy, or not interested in meeting someone. One thing the "vipers" have over the shy ones is that the vipers always give the guy some kind of affection or attention, a touch or a flirtly look or something like that. If the shy girl could do this she would have many options to choose from in terms of men she wants to date.

3) The Prude - She completely refuses to acknowledge her sexuality. Good guys don't want a 50 donger but they don't want an asexual woman either. A guy usually has to spend lots of time and mucho bankola on her before he can even scam a kiss, let alone feel all up on her booty or grind his bone on her. Guys like good girls who can hold conversation and who will treat them well, but guys also like sexual activity. The prude is wise in carefully choosing who gets their hands in the cookie jar, but almost hurts herself in the process by making her guy think she's not sexually attracted to him. The prude is a good girl but needs to be a little more flirty and sexual to rope in the guys worth keeping.

I hope my short, yet insightful post brings much joy and satisfaction to your hearts!

Jason

I'm losing at life. I'll be back to talk about more important subjects later.

Jason

Now I can get my porn on! My god my neighbor downstairs brought home this bombshell of a chick. That's what happens when you are the boss I guess!

Jason

PS - More on Nukes upcoming....I need to handle mah bidness first.