"Package-ing" written by James on estrip.org

02/14/08 01:27 - 27ºF - ID#43327

Package-ing

My favorite fake emotion is nostalgia for a time I never lived in. The history of the early 20th century is not very uplifting stuff. Economic depression, two world wars, the resurgence of the KKK, Teddy Roosevelt not winning a third term. Sad, sad, sad times.

Thankfully though, consumerism makes the past whimsical looking! Can you guess what these items are?

Hm...

Salome should be both a clue and a cautionary tale

Oh ya, there is even one for our beloved city.

give up? Ok, this one featuring a tribble should be a dead give away

Yup, paper wrappers for condoms.

play safe kids.

Permalink: Package_ing.html
Words: 112
Location: Buffalo, NY

02/12/08 06:20 - 19ºF - ID#43303

I am old and the world is disappointing

Remember Patty Hearst?

Patty "don't move pig-dog or I will blow your fucking head off" Hearst?

Patty Symbionese Liberation Army Hearst?

The Patty Hearst who we had always hoped was still a covert revolutionary amidst fat cat capitalists to help bring the system down from within?

Guess what she is up to these days.

Congratulations on your Westminster Dog Show win.

I need a drink.

Permalink: I_am_old_and_the_world_is_disappointing.html
Words: 71
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: npr

02/12/08 01:31 - 19ºF - ID#43298

You suck WNED

I complain about NPR on here a lot. I shouldn't be so hard on it, as it does make my work day more tolerable. But WNED, you got some 'splainin' to do.

We are in the middle of a beg-a-thon. Local news-robot Sam Anson can't get through three sentences without tripping over his own tongue. So an interruption from that guy who sounds like a bad Jerry Lewis impression to cry for cash is welcome. His voice can cause miscarriages so you want to throw money his way to get him off the air. In fact, I think they only bring him out during fund raisers.

But this year, he is not on. In fact, they aren't interrupting programming at all. What they call "Pledge Free" means during normal sponsor breaks they just have a little blurb reminding you they need money but they wont annoy you during the news. The selling point: we wont harass you as much so give us money.

Now, when I get to work I listen to NPR streaming over the internet. I start the day off with Boston's WBUR for On Point with Tom Ashbrook: a man who never trips over his own tongue. They are raising cash a different way. You give us money, we will send Valentine's Day flowers to whomever you want. The selling point: tax write off and flowers.

WNED emphasizes how fucking obnoxious they are. WBUR emphasizes you having a larger tax return check and sex.

You suck Buffalo NPR.

Permalink: You_suck_WNED.html
Words: 251
Location: Buffalo, NY

02/11/08 01:00 - 10ºF - ID#43279

Where da B-lo Hotties at?

Ever see those fake personal ads online? They will be lurking in a web pages sidebar where advertisements are. Usually the image is of some impossibly hot person. The hottest guy or gal you have ever seen out at the bars is a dog next to these people, their pictures stolen from a legit site. Well, this one puts them all to shame

Aren't you intrigued at this young looking Don Imus, and by young I mean early 40's and with a skin condition.

Keep an eye out kids. Love is just around the sidebar.

Permalink: Where_da_B_lo_Hotties_at_.html
Words: 97
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: politics

02/08/08 09:01 - 31ºF - ID#43252

Cold Call

Hi,

I just made 55 calls to random people in Nebraska on behalf of Obama. It is really odd reading from a script at strangers. I mean, I like Obama. I really like him. But it feels so plastic to just read a script written by someone who is not a public speaker. I mean, that sentence about hope and change that also jabbed at Clinton was wonderful but it could have used seven less clauses. The written word is marvelous for a smattering of punctuation marks. The spoken word is not. By call 18 though I was into the routine and was able to joke with people and have a good chat.

Some people asked me questions I was not ready for. Where does Barack stand on gun control? "Er, the NRA hasn't made a big stink about him so I guess he isn't too restrictive" was my off the cuff answer. It turns out I happened to be right, but really, is gun control your biggest issue? What is this? The 90's?

Then someone asked me where he stands on OCEA. Um.. thankfully that was my last call. They were totally going to go vote for him they told me, but had that one question. My phone's battery died while I was trying to google it really fast.

The website where you get these numbers from is fun. They make it competitive. There is a top ten list of the people who made the most calls. I was briefly number nine and had the mofo at seven in my sites. But, with a dead phone all my dreams are too dead.

You kids should go to to make a few calls.

kisses

update*

I am number seven!

sadly, they are out of numbers now.

Permalink: Cold_Call.html
Words: 296
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: books

02/08/08 02:28 - 31ºF - ID#43245

New Books

Hi,

I am very excited about some new books I am getting.

In Defense of Food by Michael Pollen of Omnivore's Dilemma fame goes where his previous left off. OD talked about "What is it that we eat" and IDF talks about "What should we eat?". His nutritional advice is summed up on the cover "Eat food, not too much, mostly plants". Pollen is upset with nutrition scientists: the chuckleheads who take something as complex as food and breaks it down to simple carbs, fats, and proteins. Pollen is a believer. You have to subscribe to his particular world view and lifestyle, but it is interesting stuff.

Next is Imbibe! a chronicle of the life of Professor Jerry Thomas: the man who created cocktail culture in America. That sounds a little silly. But imagine how novel it is that you can walk into a bar in New York, Macao, or Togo, order a Singapore Sling and get the same drink in each place. It expands into a general history of mixology. It is a book best read with a tall glass filled with a little of every liquid in your house.

Super fun!

Permalink: New_Books.html
Words: 193
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: politics

02/06/08 07:33 - 30ºF - ID#43217

Friends

I got a new phone recently and I haven't programmed all my numbers from the old phone into the new. The old phone has gone missing and so half the people I know and love are missing! This makes me really uneasy when ever I get a phone call from a number not already programmed in.

Who is it?
A telemarketer?
An old friend?
An ex-lover?

text messages are even more bewildering. A name gives you context for the quippy message. A number gives you nothing. So you can imagine my confusion when I got the following message:

"Vote for the spear chucker! Vote for a real American!"

OH! Did I just receive a really nasty smear machine text message? I HOPE I HOPE I HOPE! It would love to report it to some liberal blogging community and let them have a field day.

I get the message again five minutes later. Then a third time ten minutes after that. This is totally the work of the Clinton machine!!!

So I decide to call the number and see who it was. No one answers so I leave a message "speark chucker? You know what the problem is with you racists? You use the same old slurs. Come up with something new like 'ghetto martian' or 'monkey hope'."

Ya, so much for raising the level of discourse.

As it turns out it was an old friend of mine and we chatted about the cute Obama boys campaigning in the lower east side.

Permalink: Friends.html
Words: 251
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: politics

02/04/08 02:12 - 40ºF - ID#43175

Wait a Second

I finally understand all my ancieties surrounding this presidential election. It has everything to do with James K Polk.

That hairdo looks strangely familiar

It all makes sense now! A Hillary Clinton presidency will fulfill our manifest destiny.

james writes at 09:28:20 02/04/08 - Comment #31312: That totally beats Hillary's choice of Celine Dion.

zobar writes at 09:09:47 02/04/08 - Comment #31311: Only tangentially related: I heard a rumor that Obama's official-unofficial campaign song is 'Move, Bitch!! Get out the Way!'

[youtube]r0O7RmIsvEQ[/youtube]

If it's not true it should be.

- Z

metalpeter writes at 06:42:32 02/04/08 - Comment #31306: I have a crazy Idea. Every one talks about how mexicans come here and take out jobs and don't learn english. Part of that is because Mexico is a poor country. Why don't we attack Mexico. Think about it for a second if the US took over Mexico companies couldn't move there to save on cheap labor. All companies there would have to pay us taxes and it would help there workers also. The poor mexicans wouldn't come here. There is a lot of crazy stuff that happens at beaches and tropical locations and even family vacations the us gets all that money. We could even set up some Military Bases down there. That would be an incenitive. If we want to fight the war on drugs one of the main places it comes from is now part of our country. We wouldn't change the name of Mexico it would just be a new state. Everyone there would become US citizens most of them want that anyways. When people flee the country they wouldn't be able to hide out there anymore. I'm sure most of the people would be happy if it got rid of all the coruption down there. I say lets attack Mexico, I bet it would cost less then it would to make a better border.

james writes at 04:20:08 02/04/08 - Comment #31303: If they want sourthern Cali they have to take western texas with them or no deal.

chico writes at 04:10:53 02/04/08 - Comment #31302: As far as I'm concerned, they can have southern California. But let's keep the Bay area.

Following (e:jason)'s comment: let's bring back the Fading Glory Mullet.

james writes at 04:06:31 02/04/08 - Comment #31301: Mrdeadlier: HA!
mrmike: yes, both are featured heavily on darkwave album covers
jason: the Fading Glory, awesome.
Chico: Don't we have a 150 lease just like Britain has with Hong Kong? We are giving back Cali, right?

chico writes at 04:03:08 02/04/08 - Comment #31299: I wonder if Hillary would also cook up a lame pretext for war to (essentially) steal territory from Mexico. (See War, Mexican-American, 1846-1848)

jason writes at 04:00:08 02/04/08 - Comment #31298: Damn. Polk's got himself a specialized mullet, the Fading Glory.

mrmike writes at 03:49:12 02/04/08 - Comment #31296: I take it you noticed the similarity between NOSFARATU and Rudy

mrdeadlier writes at 03:01:17 02/04/08 - Comment #31294: Is the politically correct term personifest destiny?

Permalink: Wait_a_Second.html
Words: 43
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: politics

02/02/08 09:36 - 30ºF - ID#43152

I am on Crack

Hi,

My name is James and I am an addict.

This addiction has been manageable in the past. More of a perennial nuisance than a full time hunger. But now I can't even recognize myself.

I just found out tomorrow is Superbowl Sunday. My first thought was 'I wonder how this will affect Super Duper Tuesday primary blitz!' followed by 'I wonder if candidate has purchased ad time' and then 'oh man, I should totally go grocery shopping, no one will be there!'

This isn't the first time this has happened. When Benazir Bhutto was assassinated I worried that it might affect news coverage of Barack Obama's last stump speech before Iowa. How uncompassionate can you get?

I am going to have to get off this drug, but November is just... oh shit, it is over half a year away. God damn it.

Permalink: I_am_on_Crack.html
Words: 145
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: humor?

02/01/08 01:48 - 32ºF - ID#43134

Who is the Real Joe Biden

What do we know of Joe Biden?

Yes, he is one of the longest serving members of the senate. Yes, he has been a presidential candidate a few times. And yes, I want him and Obama to make sweet, sweet white house love together - ties loose, collar button undone.

But who is the real Joe Biden?

In 1987 Joe moved into a neighborhood Willmington known for a stray dog problem. Six months later no dogs could be found, Joe moved again.

In 1992 Joe introduced a piece of legislation that would ban the sale and ownership of silver daggers.

Joe has never attended a late night meeting while there was a full moon.

This points to a profoundly disturbing suspicion.