I wish I could feel better.
This is unlike me.  I'm always miss happy-go-lucky.  But ever since yesterday, everything just feels wrong.
I made the stupid ass mistake of talking to my ex.  Or texting him, to be more precise.
We'd made contact again recently, which made me happy.  I hate having people leave my life on bad terms.
So we were tossing around the idea of coffee.  I was actually looking forward to it.  Because when all is said and done, I enjoy his company.
So he asked when, and said he's "really busy".  I said no shit i'm busy too, and gave him some options.  And in typical fashion, he didn't respond.  That is my ULTIMATE PET PEEVE, and he fucking KNOWS this, since we fought about it many times.
I gave him a week or so, then last night just texted him "hi".  We chatted a bit, blah blah blah.  I asked him about coffee, and he says "i said yes let's go" and pretended he didn't know he had never answered me.  Then all of the sudden he disappears.  Two hours later "oh... I was eating."  Why couldn't you fucking tell me that, instead of leaving me hanging?  I don't know why this gets to me so much, but he just pushes all my buttons.  Then he came back and we chatted a little more, and (as usual) ended in a fight, with him saying "some things never change", and me crying.  So it looks like we won't have coffee.  And I don't know why that bothers me so much.  Why do I want to see a guy who makes me so fucking miserable? (this is the guy who, after all, broke up with me (after a YEAR) b/c I wanted dinner and he wanted to watch Lost.)  I guess I just hate to think I "failed" at the relationship.  Which makes me think of all my other "failed" relationships/attempts/etc, and makes me feel like I can't do ANYthing right.
Blah.
So anyway, that got me down.  Spent the rest of the night in tears, until I went to bed early.  And still just had a black cloud around me all day.
And then my dumbass coworker locked the call room from the inside so I couldn't get to my locker my car keys to go home.  And it took security almost 3 hours to come open the door.  but so I killed time on estrip. (where else?)  And (e:sbrugger) asked "what is so bad about your life?"  And I guess that's hard to answer...  Aside from boy drama and being alone, I guess there is nothing so BAD.  But worse than that, there is just nothing so GOOD either.  Ok I have my health, I have a roof over my head, I'm more fortunate than most, blah blah spare me.  But there's just nothing to get out of bed for in the morning...  My family is fantastic... estrip is pretty cool... I have a few friends... but as (e:vincent) put it, these things don't keep me warm at night.  And I wondered what the common problem is.  And maybe it's work.  I dread work lately.  I get there, and all I want to do is go home.  I can't WAIT to leave the building.  I find myself getting annoyed with my patients (sometimes rightfully so, and sometimes not.)  Annoyed with my interns.  Annoyed if I have to actually do any work.  Upset when a trauma makes me miss out on food or sleep.  I haven't slept past 5am (in buffalo) since March 4th.  (yes I was away two weekends ago, and I slept some there, but even that was a frantic whirlwind weekend.)  This weekend I COULD have a day off (Easter), but only one of us can have the day off- me, or the chief.  And there's no way the chief will work a holiday so that I can have a day off.  So that means yet another week without a day off.  I'm so sleep deprived I can't stand it.  I fall asleep at red lights.  I just fell asleep now while typing this.  I've gotten to the point that 4 hours is "a lot" of sleep.  It's just getting to me.... wearing me down....  And that makes me feel weak.  All 53 other residents have it just as bad as I do... and they manage to pull off lives and relationships and have fun- and they even manage to study, which I NEVER do (and it's showing.)
So then I asked the ultimate question- Do I like what I do?
I always instinctively snap back "yes of course" to that question.  But now I'm wondering- do I?  I mean yes, operating is way cool.  And I still do like that.  But is it enough?  I mean, I'm supposed to be EXCITED when a gunshot wound comes to the ER at 3am, because that means I might get to operate!  A chance to cut is a chance to heal!  Rah! I am macho surgeon!  But instead I think "god DAMMIT I don't want to get out of bed, why did this stupid fucker have to go and get his stupid ass shot grumble grumble."  Looking at the OR schedule today- pancreatectomy.  Huge case.  Probably 8hrs.  I should probably have been fighting to get in there, but all I could think was "no thank you.  I'll stick to my 45 min hernia repair."  Does that mean I'm lazy?
But to get back to my point... do I like what I do?  I always say yes- but is that just because the alternative is so bad?  Admitting I don't like it would be.... I can't even imagine.  It would flip my whole world on end.  Because this is my whole life.  There's no going back.  And I'm not a quitter.  So I can't even entertain the thought that maybe I'm not happy.  So am I going to be miserable?
For now I tell myself this is just temporary... only 2 more years of residency.  Then things will be better?  God I hope so.  Because this sucks so much right now.  I am ALWAYS tired and cranky and whiny and miserable.  No wonder I'm alone- who in their right mind would want to deal with this shite.

so on that depressing note, I think I will go eat far too much, starting with some spicy italian peppers.  I went to the grocery store thursday.  For the first time since 2/13.  And now I have so much food I don't know where to start.  It's like I want to eat it all at once.  At least I don't have to eat popcorn for dinner anymore...

Later peeps.  I love you.  Thanks for letting me vent.  Even though I feel totally broken, you can usually make me smile.  So thanks for that.  I guess not ALL men suck.  (but I'm still not convinced.)
-J

Dear men/boys of Buffalo:
You suck.
You have broken me.
You win.
I give up.
(and you don't even care.)

Love, J

Hmmm... not too much to say lately I guess. I hate ECMC. I hate trauma. Spent 24 hours yesterday dealing with a guy in a car accident- started at 6:01- i hadn't even taken my coat off, when mercyflight got there. Then we had to go to CT scan and stuff- he was fucked up. High speed car accident, they don't know what happened except that they found him 40' from the car. His skull was broken in like 10 places, and his brain was dead. So we spent most of the day going through all the official tests and paperwork to declare him officially brain dead. Lots of family hanging around the ICU crying all day... it sucks. But some good came of it... we were in the OR from 2am to 6am harvesting his organs. That's a weird experience. I think the med student almost cried when she saw the heart start to slow down and stop. (like literally SAW the heart stop.) Tragedy that they couldn't use his heart for transplant. Nice healthy 28 year old heart went to "waste". Oh well... we got kidneys and liver, and they might take tissue (skin, bone, eyes, etc) too- so that can help at LEAST 3 people. And I stayed late to sew him up nicely. Figured it's the least I could do for the poor family...

Ok, sorry, wasn't planning on posting that but it just came out.

What I was PLANNING on doing was posting this song. A random friend that I love but never hear from (a frat brother of an ex) emailed it to me out of the blue... lyrics and all. And it seems to fit in with the theme around here lately...

So I give you 'your ex-lover is dead', by Stars.

Dammit. It's too big. So until I manage to crop it down somehow, you just get lyrics. And instead my user song is a boppy little techno tune (streamline, by newton) from this Pepsi commercial with Jimmy Fallon and Parker Posey. (I love when he scoots on his ass. Jimmy Fallon is adorable.)

Oh my god that one is too big too!!

Ok. Last one. Some happy indian dance music for Timika.

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said 'yes I think we've met before'
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across pont champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name...

This scar is a fleck on my porcelain skin
Tried to reach deep but you couldn't get in
Now you're outside me
You see all the beauty
Repent all your sin

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose
I chose to feel it and you couldn't chose
I'll write you a postcard
I'll send you the news
From a house down the road from real love...

Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...
Live through this, and you won't look back...

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted
I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to say

I'm not sorry there's nothing to say...

Funny.... in my last post I mentioned Wesley Willis ((e:jenks,105)). And then Lee mentioned him today. ((e:leetee,159)). So just for you Lee, my new usersound is "I whupped Batman's ass" by Wesley Willis himself. But since I just realized you can't hear usersounds, I will try to put it up (along with some other bonus songs) in Gather, if I can find it....

Ok, I found gather, in Firefox. Not working in safari at the moment it seems.
But anyway... my frist gather uploads-

0136918001144468795
"I whupped Batman's ass"

0760614001144468993
"Johnny Depp"

and finally-
0940069001144469087
"Suck a caribou's dick"

hope they work for you Lee!

So I felt like switching up my song... and was looking through itunes... I have SO much music I have never even listened to... I found so many things I wanted to put up... Decided on this b/c this guy is so insane that it's funny. Makes me feel better about my life. ;)

ooh... speaking of insane... maybe i should put up Wesley Willis. There's an idea... You'll have to stay tuned. So much to share with you all!

And I am still taking suggestions for vacation... please!

-J

Ok-
this will be very quick since as usual I am at work and should not be online.

I have a week of vacation coming up- first week of may. Happens to include the big 3-0 bday.

I want to go do something fun.
My wishes are- sun, fun, relaxing. I am more into the "lay around by the pool, get a tan, drink drinks with umbrellas, chill and relax, with occasional excursions", kind of vacation, than the "get up at 8am for aerobics and non-stop adventure EVERY DAY!" kind of vacation. (wow that was crazy grammar. Hope it made sense.)

I went to club med (turks and caicos) a few years ago- it was a blast. A little cheesy, but fun, and the all-inclusive aspect is great- never got out my wallet, bought a drink, paid a tip, etc, once.
Another thing I'm thinking might be fun is a cruise. Again I can handle a little cheese, but not too much. But i don't want a family-centered kiddie cruise, i don't want want a couples-only mushy romantic thing, but i also don't really want a cheesy singles thing...

so my point is-
anyone been on a cruise and have any recommendations? words of advice? i'm not really sure where to even start looking, which cruise lines are decent, etc.

Ok, so much for 'very quick', but now i need to get back to work.

thanks for any advice you may have, peeparoos.

-J

This is awesome...

I finally just followed the link in an email a friend sent me months ago...
I guess there was a contest where people re-cut the trailers to famous movies to make them seem like something different- the winner was for the the Shining.
Check it out- worth it I promise.



What is with the freaky snow today??

I am in major culture shock... At Children's we're not allowed to do ANYTHING without getting approval from the Fellows, which is why people hate it so much. But overnight I went from that, to ECMC where my interns are asking me "what do you want to do, boss?" I'm not sure I remember how to make decisions on my own...
And we skin-grafted some burned hands today... For some reason that one case makes me kind of queasy. Burns in general are gross, and hands are especially bad. shudder... gives me the chills. But, he should be fine, so that's good.

People get burned in the stupidest ways... I'm coming to learn that most (serious) burns involve some majorly stupid choices. Like falling asleep with your cigarette with your oxygen on.... throwing gasoline on a fire while drunk... or a good one today- taking a hammer and chisel to the gas tank of a car that's been on its side in your backyard for six years. (he assumed that the gas would be gone after all that time, but didn't bother to check- and it exploded on him.)

And my tongue hurts... I got "a talking to" yesterday about the tongue ring... Seems someone took issue, and rather than talk to me about it, went over my head to the fucking CHAIRMAN. Not cool. But he told me that he'd never noticed it, didn't personally have a problem with it, and admitted that there is no dress code and thus he can't MAKE me take it out. Also said that I am judged by my performance, and that as long as this doesn't affect my performance, I should be ok. Said he'd like to just put in my file that we "had this conversation" and he will "leave it to my discretion" and leave it at that. So I'm not really sure what to do... No, they can't MAKE me take it out. But at the same time, surgery is an ultra-conservative old boys' club. And I don't want to rock the boat. I'd always said that the minute someone said something, i'd take it out... But now that that time has come- I don't really want to. I mean I guess I'm not that especially attached to the thing, but it's been in 9 years... would feel weird without it. So today i switched to a 'flesh colored' retainer... but it's too short and has sort of sharp edges, so it's hurting me and making it feel weird to eat.
What a bunch of BS though. Isn't it 2006 around here? Bleh.

Hmm... seems my bi-weekly thai craving is setting in. Might have to see what I can do about that, since it's been so long since I've been to the grocery story that I've been eating popcorn/toast for dinner lately.

take care peeps.
-j

p.s. dare I admit my horrible guilty-pleasure purchase? I just bought the new Sean Paul cd. I think I should be embarrassed. But... but.... I must admit the beat makes me bop my head. I have no shame. ;)

So in a surprising twist of events, I managed to make it home without any sort of travel disasters (lost luggage, flight delays, etc). Now just to prepare for ECMC, bleh.

But we managed to un-Farkle things a little bit, and Mom, Kate and I did make it to the spa this morning. I didn't have time for the mani/pedi, but that's ok since I'd have to take the nail polish off at work tomorrow anyway. So I just had a facial. They led us to the locker room to get changed, and I thought "why in the world do I need to take my bra off for a facial?", but I did anyway. But I almost forgot until the last second that i needed to be extra careful to not let Mom see any piercings. But so I went for the facial, which is basically an hour of laying there smelling incense and listening to trance-y new age music while half-falling asleep while they put about 18 different layers of lotion on your face/neck/decollatage (hehe what a great word). I'm not sure it actually does anything for my skin, but man does it feel good. Especially the little 30 seconds of neck/shoulder massage. That is nearly a sexual experience for me. I dunno... backrubs absolutely melt me. But while we were at the Spa, my dad, brother and brother-in-law went hanggliding. I didn't have time to join in. But I learned later that there wasn't enough wind, and "it was a really fun day, but.... we didn't get more than 18" off the ground."

So anyway, I'm back. Done with the CHOB. Curious to hear how the whole mess there turned out. Think I might email the guy involved, even though I probably shouldn't, because I am not good at letting go.

Here are a few pix.


The cutest dad in the world. I gave him one of those sappy tearjerker hallmark birthday cards. Cuz he deserves it. :)


Classy!! I especially like that they left out the "a" in 'You're A whale of a dad'. And I like the turd-looking palm trees.


I lit all 60 candles without burning myself, and he blew 'em all out.


The house.


Looking... southeast I think


northeast?


One of the many balconies.

It's been >36hr since I've had internet access, and sadly I must admit it was kind of getting to me. My brother was having trouble getting this bluetooth thing to work, and I kept grabbing the laptop and saying "oh i'll just look it up. Oh. wait. no wireless. No I won't." So now I am in the main lobby, looking out over the beach, killing time til we go out to dinner.... it's lovely. Unfortunately the wireless signal doesn't quite reach outside, but this is good enough. But I frantically checked my email, expecting all these messages from work since we are supposed to be working out our schedule for next year- nothing. I am sure I will get reamed again. Ah well.

So I'm in Duck, NC- part of the Outer Banks, for my Dad's 60th bday. It's awesome. I'm doing NOTHING. Eating, drinking, taking jacuzzi baths, and laying on my stomach reading the book of Vice Dos and Don'ts that my sister gave me. (I'm sure most of you have not checked out the Vice link that I have on the right, but I swear it really is some funny shit.) And the book is endorsed by David Cross, which is all I need. Unfortunately, in typical fashion, my family did not get our act together, (we refer to ourselves as the Farkles when we go on vacation, since we always screw SOMEthing up) so it looks like spa time AND hanggliding will probably not happen. Which is a bummer (but maybe a bit of a relief because i'm kind of a chicken shit and was a little nervous about going hanggliding), but this two days of nothing is so perfect...

We're staying at this resort thing that has a main hotel, but then also these guest houses. We have this four bedroom, 4 bathroom house... Every bath has a jacuzzi tub (except mine of course, I seem to have gotten the handicapped room). Lots of balconies... It would be such an awesome party house. I wish I was here for a month. But, I am not here as a party house. But there are not many people I would rather spend time with than my family. We are very good at amusing ourselves/each other. We are sitting around shooting Nerf darts at each other, and my brother is pleading with my sister to let him drop a deuce in HER bathroom, since he wants to take a bath in HIS bathroom. Good stuff...

And speaking of good stuff.... the drama at work is getting out of hand.
The short version is [scandalous rumors that are not verified and could get people in trouble deleted]
The thing is, this is all rumor. I have no idea what actually happened, and probably never will. And now i'm torn between trying to find a way to get in touch with him (he has my number but I don't have his) to play the 'i'm here if you need a friend' sympathetic role, or to just take this as a sign and be glad that I 'got out while I could'. All a major bummer. Because somehow I doubt he's going to call me now... out of embarrassment if nothing else. Oh well...
What do I care, I'm at a beach house.

But it's back to ECMC on monday. Boohoohoo. I hate it there.

Ok peeps, enjoy your weekend. Maybe I'll have some pix when I get back... Now i'm off to eat and drink, yet again.

-J

100th post, woohoo!

Just a quick little anecdote.

Just in case I had any doubt that I do, in fact, live in a soap opera...

So there's a girl I barely know at work... but her nickname is barbie because she's tall and blond and wears lots of makeup, etc, you know the type. (and I keep an eye on her b/c apparently she used to date one of my (numerous) work crushes. haha.) The other day I heard her make some comment about 'well, maybe that's ok if you're single, with no kids...', which I thought was odd since she is (as far as I know) single, with no kids.
But then I noticed she's starting wearing her scrub top untucked...
So this morning I asked a friend what the deal is...
She is pregnant.
and single.
Not by my crush (phew).
But by a guy who slept with her twice and now refuses to even talk to her.

wooo-ee, scandal at the CHOB!!

Think I will sit back and watch this unfold...