It's true, what else can I say? The one thing I looked forward to this week sort of didn't turn out like I hoped and my stomach is in knots. But don't worry, I'll be okay. Yes I will.

I'll bite. I am probably as honest about my negatives as my positives on here, and I don't mind answering some things honestly.

1. What pops into your mind when you hear the word "church?"

My childhood. Lessons in the classroom. Lots of pomp and ritual, which I enjoyed. Coffee and sweets. Singing in the choir. Playing my trumpet. Later getting paid to play at weddings and holidays.

2. Has anyone ever invited you to their church? What did you think when they asked you? Did you go? How did it feel? If you didn't go, why not?

Yes. I thought it was a pretty bold gesture, one that had to be respected and appreciated. No, I didn't go and so I can't tell you how it felt. I was pretty hungover that morning I do recall, so if I felt anything that morning it was regret.

But I do have to say that I guard the sovereignty of my relationship with God very intensely. I do not talk about it often, and I do not follow any particular doctrine. I don't even really believe in 100% of the Bible as fact rather than metaphorical teaching tools.

3. Have you ever had a sense of God or Jesus communicating with you? What was it like?

Back when I was deep in my funk, when I was, ahem, being treated, I thought about this stuff a lot, tried communicating, tried asking for help. Eventually I got desperate and asked some people for some prayers, a whole bunch of people, I thought screw it, couldn't hurt. That night I felt so freaking low. Even if I could describe it I wouldn't.

The next morning I woke up and I'm telling you, something was different. I got up, got some coffee, flipped open the news, read about the war and I felt empathy for people, something that hadn't happened for months. I realized that there is a lot in the world to give a damn about, starting with myself. It was like I was awake again.

And from then on things started happening. Two days later I got a new job. Later that month I had a girlfriend. Things have been very good, not perfect, but very good since then. I don't know whether it is coincidence, or I just snapped out of it, whether it was God communicating, or something else that is completely unknown, but it did lead to a lot of questions for me.

One answer that I got, from God or whoever, was that if you remain in isolation and do nothing you will never get any help. You make an effort first, you reach out, then you have a shot at getting what you need, and I don't see why God would be any different. You make the first step. Magic, voodoo or coincidence, I still call it a spiritual awakening, like a detox for the soul.

4. If you had one question you could ask God and knew you would get an answer, what would it be?

Things are really messed up down here, and I know you could find a way to do it, so why don't you directly intervene?

5. Would you like prayer for anything?

Just for the general well being of myself, my friends and family.

I guess I have to admit it.

You guys would be proud, I've tried this time and given a damn about it. I've been a gentleman, done the right thing, haven't acted like a jerk or ignored her. I've actually gotten on the phone and called, and she says she hasn't been feeling well since Thursday. Either I called or she called me over this past weekend, and we talked about how she still wasn't feeling right and wasn't up to hanging out.

There is a little part of me that wonders, am I being gamed or friend zoned here? Is something wrong? We went on the one date. I thought it went great. I caught myself liking spending time with her. I suppose she deserves the benefit of the doubt, but still when you keep on hearing no, no, no, you can't help but lose some enthusiasm. She said to me on Sunday, "Call me soon." I assume that is supposed to buoy my confidence. I suppose all I can do is just call her soon like she said.

We'll see how it shakes out. I'm not going to sweat it too hard.

First of all, thanks for the comments on my previous journal. Now that I think about it, that IS where we saw Henry Rollins, but was it named the same then? I do recall it used to be a nightclub, etc with a different name.

Anyway, I finally got the nerve to ask the girl that I've been sort of talking about on a date. Screw it, I thought I have nothing to lose. I got the idea to go see Keller Williams and his backing band. She is like me in that we both really love that kind of stuff so I thought it would be something she might want to check out.

We went downtown to see the game at a certain brewery (she is really into the Sabres) and get a bite to eat before the show. The Sabres lost but we did talk a bunch and got to know each other more. The show was just amazing, I even shook my ass a little bit and I think we both had a ball. The music was top notch. The layout is pretty cool for a concert. I would go there again for sure.

I know this is just one date, but I do feel 100% comfortable around her. She puts me at ease. She's cute and fun and wants to enjoy the hell out of the summer, see more shows, which aligns with me perfectly. She's also down to earth, which is a must must must for me. I guess I could always fall on my face somehow but I want to see her again.

Not that I typically care about dating "rules" but if I wait until tomorrow to call her that's okay, right?

Anyone seen a show there? Is it okay? Thinking going there Sunday evening for Keller Williams.

Well, I guess it was coming. Not that I'm ready to be a loony lefty or anything, but I think the time has come to (like Josh) jump ship. Josh is going to mail out the form for me today sometime.

I have spent some time talking to people who try their best to argue that Creationism should be taught in science class because, well, we aren't 1000% sure about Evolution, so Creationism should be taught side by side in science class, even though the gulf in evidence is so enormous, and even though Creationism isn't science.

Oh, and those same people seem to think that since certain lessons are taught in the Bible, which may or may not have anything to do with how our legal code was created or developed, then it gives SoCons license to inject the Bible into our legal code with no limits. Freedom OF religion, not freedom FROM religion, they say, and they totally fucking miss the point over and over that people who escaped religious persecution in Europe came here to NOT deal with people like the SoCons.

After years of having to swallow embarrassing federal marriage amendments, the Schiavo case, Larry Craig, Embryonic Stem Cell money, potential abortion bans, abstinence-only sex education - all "for the party", to "prevent Liberals from taking over", now since a Moderate is in the running now they want to take their ball and go home, arguing against the party loyalty and "getting in line" that they demanded from us since the mid 90's.

Now they talk about a brokered convention, shoving Huckleberry down our throats against the will of the people who voted. Now they say that as long as they don't get 110% of what they want, they will turn away or vote against the party because we don't bow down to them this time. They don't want to be blamed for their own failures. They feel entitled to votes in ways they won't allow others to feel. I say SCREW THEM.

The Republicans no longer advocate limiting the size and scope of the government. They no longer represent people who want to be good stewards of the public's money. Like the Liberals, they selectively choose which ways they want to defend the public and which ways they want to use government to be intrusive and naughty. They spend like trophy wives. They represent everything I can't stand about government now, and if they want to be a little niche party, unable to affect or change anything because of their narrow, bigoted world view then they are welcome to it. They can mean dick if they want to mean dick. It's okay.

So now I am an (I) - Dad is going to be thrilled until I tell him I'm still not voting for Obama.

We went out with the same girls again, just to watch the Sabres game at my local. Wednesday's plans fell through, nothing sinister, but anyway we decided to make new plans. Josh came out as well, which was a welcome change.

Now, I like to think of myself as a stand up guy and a decent fellow. You hook up with a girl, she tells you to call her, you say you will - but you never pick up the phone and call. What kind of an asshole are you? Needless to say I had to prepare myself for some kind of confrontation.

She kept on asking me, "Why? Why? I don't understand." She flat out said she likes me. You can bet that she was pissed off bit. She really turned the screws on me. I'm under no illusions here - I'm sure she has guys hitting on her all the time, asking her out. I'm sure she has lots of opportunities, and isn't used to being sort of ignored. She's a cute, fun girl. Josh was surprised that I could pull that kind of quality, which I'm sure is an insult to me somehow. She turned the screws, I tried to explain to her (a tiny bit of vulnerability goes a long way), but at the end of the night she couldn't wait to kiss me.

Funny how things turn out sometimes. There is this energy between us that has to be resolved as soon as possible. I love how honest she was. I'm going to make it up to her. Josh said he doesn't get a bad vibe from her at all, and his spidey sense is much better than mine so I think I am going to go ahead and, as people here have told me, just go and have fun, and make things happen.

I'm a moron, and my name is Jason.

I have to apologize to (e:MrDeadlier) for not responding right away. I'll send you a note privately to elaborate. I seriously doubt that too many people care to read in my journal about boring (allegedly) geeky stuff.

I will say though that given my manager is leaving I am trying to not stress too much. I do not feel so comfortable being at a spot where one important person leaving potentially fucks the company. We are a very small shop, and the vulnerabilities/weaknesses should be obvious. It's basically about the dollar. Not to complain too much, because I've enjoyed it so far, but it's been tough for me to keep my mood up lately. Especially today.

Which brings me to tonight. We're going to watch the Sabres at some suburban joint tonight with the same girls we've been hanging out with lately. Part of me thinks I shouldn't bother if I'm pseudo-freaking over work because I won't be able to have a good time, and nobody likes a party pooper. Another part of me thinks that it's good for me to go and let off some steam, plus I've made a promise to myself that I would get out more and have more fun.

So, I am going to go out and have some fun tonight. Anyway how could you be upset when looking at this cute lil bugger?



Oh, the dog is cute too. I met him on Black Thursday. We match. Lol.

Well, the theme for yesterday was "Black Thursday" and I'm here to report that it lived up to its billing.

I found out yesterday I will be losing my manager. In the real world this shit happens, but this is a small company and so everyone's role is critically important. For the most part I don't deal with servers or configuring them here, but that will change very soon. When it became time to decide who to hire, this guy really went to bat for me (youth is not an asset in this industry apparently). I appreciate the hell out of that, because I really enjoy working here for the most part. I hope this doesn't lead to an exodus, or anything else really negative. Banks and people involved with banks value continuity and are resistant to change.

Instead of going to Cecelia's I got an invite to meet some girls down at The Stillwater for drinks. Again Black Thursday was the theme - it had to be pointed out to me but we were all wearing black (what can I say, I don't give a shit about clothes). The night started out fine. We were hanging out with the progeny of a certain intimidating-looking Channel 4 personality and a morning reporter, who had to be up at an awful hour this morning. The reporter was cool, chilled out, had plenty of jokes. A pleasant person. I would hang at the bar with her anytime.

The other one however was a nasty little viper. Jerry said she is more bitter than the two of us combined and I said "No way, impossible" but it was definitely true. She asked me what I do and when I told her she said "Okay, no lie, that sounds boring." Excuse me? Yeah, well, not all of us have daddies to get sales jobs for us. Yeah, I want to make shit money and have no responsibility. I want to be you, really I do. Oh, and thanks for being a bitch, this is the first impression I got and I had half a mind to just put my gin down and walk out. I rarely say this about someone but when Jerry asked my opinion I said that I didn't care for her. The fucking gin had more redeeming qualities. It was definitely sweeter and didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth.

At least the bartender was infatuated with her and we got top shelf booze on the cheap, so I decided to stick around. Don Julio tequila is palatable. I didn't throw up. A girl who was way dressed down for the venue came with her little dog, which was honestly the cutest dog I've ever seen. Irresistable. There may be a not-very-masculine picture floating around of me cradling it. Apparently she (the girl, not the dog) was smitten, because she stepped up and planted a kiss right on my cheek. Whoa! This is fucking Black Thursday, there will be no love today, thank you. I think I have her number in my pocket somewhere. She started talking about just getting out of a relationship and blah blah blah. Run, don't walk. The attention was nice, anyway.

So overall V-Day was really weird, but even so it was still better than being mopey and bitter about things. I hope everyone out there had a good time. Right now, I am really ready for the weekend.

I am done complaining about it. No more. Why live that way?

Some people are really busy, have kids, or are in a relationship that is stagnant. Even worse, some people neglect their partner. If they take one day to step back from life and hang out with someone they love, even if they have to be reminded to do so, I have no gripes.

It doesn't have to be about the capitalism or the diamonds or the roses or extravagant gifts. I've given great jewelry before just to end up flat on my ass anyway. If that's what the holiday is about, I want no part of it, so I choose to have a different take on things. All that matters is that you spend time together, and whatever that is comprised of doesn't matter to me.

So I think I'm going to perhaps meander on over to a neighborhood martini bar on V-Day and see if there are any single girls to cheer up. Expect success, but if you fail make it funny. If I do fail at least I can have two stiff drinks and stumble home. Shit, I am such a lightweight anymore.

I mean, check it out, even Gary Coleman has someone to love:

's-secretly-been-married/news/6536?nc

Nice job, my friend!