(Also posted on another blog of mine, which I rarely use)

It's getting harder for me to not take it personally when someone's demons overcome them. I wonder what the hell went through Heath Ledger's mind in the last few weeks of his life.

I am not even the biggest fan of his in the world, but in a sense I have walked a mile in his shoes.

I know what it's like to be locked into depression, and to rely on drugs and booze to get you through the day, barely. No sleep, no rest, no relief. And it appears that you are so damned alone and isolated. Your mind is going a million miles an hour.

Why didn't he just get help for his problems? Well, it's not that easy, despite what you may think. Shit, even TALKING about it is difficult. You think about:

- What if people discriminate against me in employment?
- What if this means that girls aren't going to like me?
- What if this distances me from my friends?
- How are people going to view me from now on?

You formulate all of these things and more in your head, reasons to deny yourself the help you need. Getting help was one of the most terrifying and difficult steps for me to make in my life, and I bet it was just as hard for Heath to reach out to people and get over his demons. From what I've read he isolated himself, something I can relate to.

Eventually, you have to decide for yourself, you know, fuck the employers who might discriminate, fuck the women who might not like you for it, and the people who distance themselves from you for it are not your friends. The people who misunderstand are 100% ignorant and their opinions are worthless.

What's more important than any of that crap is for you to be happy and live a good, healthy life. You are who you are, pock marks and all, and that's okay. Maybe if Heath could have seen this in time he would still be with us.

In case you did not see it, Jim Wallis made an appearance on The Daily Show. The interview is up on streaming video (look under "Coming Up Next").

I have a new one! Hallelujah!

Now I might take some of this Christmas money and buy some new pots and pans. Any recommendations?

It's just on my left side. I've had it for a little less than a week. I thought maybe I slept on my side wrong and that's why things were weird, now thought after a few days I really don't know.

I mean, it's not like piercing pain. It's more like someone is rubbing their knuckle into my chest. I really hope it goes away. I am recovering from a cold.

Other than that, not much to talk about!!! Another day, another dollar.

Thank you for responding, peeps. I have a tendency to overthink this crap sometimes, a tendency which I am trying my best to resist.

My resolution is to slam the door closed on the negative phase I have gone through. I think the last year and a half or so has been great, but before that I constantly had a thundercloud over my head. My twenties haven't been what I had hoped for.

And now, looking back, I think "Oh my God, what happened to me?" and I see how much time and opportunity have gone to waste. I really don't want that to happen anymore. I want to do so much, and catch up on everything I've missed.

Moments like this past weekend really remind me of that. Kinda got caught unprepared.

I will answer your comments now:

(e:Libertad) - Yeah, crazy, exactly. This stuff doesn't happen all the time. Totally blindsided me.

(e:Paul) - Yes, exactly right. Straight men don't get under a blanket with each other. I am not sure that the chick actually wanted this, or whether she misspoke.

(e:Ajay) - I'm going to be a lot better prepared next time. I have already written down a list, and started completing it. Might be a good time to practice a recipe or two also, yes?

(e:Metalpeter) - I don't know, man. You see, the girl that was hanging with my buddy...well...I doubt anything really is ever going to happen between them, and they both know it. Both girls sort of have to be down with it I'm sure. I don't know if either of them are. Both get plenty of attention, might have better things to do.

Honestly, if all that ever happened was that they came down, went out with us, had a few laughs and a few flirts, I would be fine with it. I'm fine with just going out and having a good time. I don't need to game her or rush anything or see how fast I can get in her pants. Whatever happens will happen naturally, even if it is nothing.

Now that I'm sober, I'll re-post the story.

Went over to my buddy's house last evening to watch some football. The Pats won of course, for those of you who did not watch.

We then got a phone call. Buddy said that we might meet some girls out for some impromptu, no strings attached fun. Okay, well, I wasn't exactly prepared to go out, but what the hell, it's just a couple of dart games and some beers.

We get there and I'll be damned if we weren't lucky enough to hang out with a couple of really lovely women. The short one says to me "Where are our drinks?" to break my balls and I replied "This ain't UNICEF!"

Man, Josh, you would have been proud, I served as a fantastic wingman. They told my friend how fun I was, and that we should the four of us go down to Allentown next weekend for a change of scenery.

Then it gets interesting, one of the girls (not the one I was paired with) decided the after party was at my friend's house. Man, shit, I wasn't prepared for that. I was nasty grubby, no shower, no shave, sweating like a whore in church because of how hot it was in the bar. All I was ready to do last night was watch football.

We played Trivial Pursuit for a while, then the girl who invited us to my Buddy's place decide the four of us should huddle under a blanket and watch a move. *BZZZZT* I don't think so, lady. It's 3:30 AM and I am nasty and anyway I want my own bed.

So my friend and that girl stay, while the other girl and I leave. I hope she didn't take it the wrong way. I'm sure I looked hesitant and disinterested. Maybe she was just being a wingman like me and just wanted to make it through the night. I got her number and everything, and brought up next weekend like they did earlier, but I don't even know if I should bother. I see an answering machine in the future when/if I call.

At the very least, even if nothing else comes of it I had a good time.

For some reason or another, things aren't all good. It is one of those days. I hate those days. I'm sure the fact that this is time report time isn't brightening my mood, either.

Josh leaves for San Fran tomorrow. I have vacation time available, and I wish I could go. I think I could use a week off. Haven't had a real vacation yet since starting this job over a year ago.

Today is bar night. I'm going to go have a beer with Jerry. Have to wake up at a totally unreasonable hour to get Josh to the airport on time, but that's the breaks. Hopefully I'll be in bed by 11.

A few personalized notes:

(e:Paul) - You have my sympathy. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, and I'm sure you're frustrated and upset, but the alternative is considerably worse. You'll be okay, my friend. What other choice is there?

(e:Ladycroft) - I plan on starting the book this weekend. I haven't been in the best of health lately, and haven't felt like much of anything outside of sleep and menial entertainment.

(e:Drew) - Sorry about the Steelers.

HRH Hillary is as disingenuous, ruthless, conniving, manipulative and dishonest a politician as we have in the USA. New York is addicted to celebrity. Brit is right about her negatives. Shit, even if we weren't a sexist nation she would still have severe problems connecting with normal Americans.

I don't think Gore should run. Why potentially ruin your sterling reputation with the Euros and UN Diplomats? Why take the pay cut? I believe he is a far more happy and productive person doing what he's doing. I also just cannot imagine that someone preaching the end of our world would suddenly put that on the back burner for politics. That would send the wrong message, no?

I liked John Edwards compared to Kerry. I think if he gets the nod in 2004, he is our President. Unfortunately people went with Kerry, who inspired nobody. Edwards' voting record is, by comparison, rated as being more moderate than Obama's voting record, hovering somewhere around 60 to 70 percent by the ADA. Instead of making pitiful excuses about his War vote, he apologized. I understand why people like him, even if he does carry the stench of slip and fall lawyer.

Bloomberg - well, he is the dictionary definition of RINO. I think it is possible the game has passed him by this time around. Maybe not. If he decides to run I think it is an interesting footnote, but who will actually vote for him? He can spend and spend, which helps I suppose - one year he gave away over 700 mil and still ended up positive for the year. Yikes.

Me being center-right, I could be convinced to vote for Obama if he were actually center-left. Whether it is the National Journal, Americans for Democratic Action, or whoever, his voting record aligns him with the most Liberal of all of our Congresscritters. Republicans who are crossing over are either uninformed of this, or purposefully are not taking into consideration whether or not he agrees with them on the issues.

There will be a time (hopefully?) when he will have to explain his votes and his stances on the issues, and give us something beyond the political rhetoric and endless platitudes. I think he inspires people. Heck, I enjoyed his most recent speech. Whether or not he is a "uniter" of people outside of the Democratic bubble depends on whether people give a damn about his Liberalism, which will certainly be put under the spotlight by whoever the Republicans run.

Personally, I think people are fed up with the political class in Washington - I read a good article in the Daily Mail about the similarities between ourselves and Britain in this respect. Obama represents something that is probably more important than whether or not he is a Liberal, and I'm not talking necessarily about whether or not he can make history. He represents a shift away from the typical Washington way of doing things. He represents a shift away from bitter, divisive politics. He represents for us a new brand of politician, at least we all hope so. THAT is what is so attractive, and what in my view makes him better than the 60's throwbacks and empty suits.

My "big boy" voice is rather effective.

The thing is now I am SO SICK. I just got out of bed. Yesterday I started feeling funny, and by the time I went to bed I had horrible body pains and couldn't breathe too well. Needless to say, I wasn't able to go to work.

Now it is OJ, ham sandwiches, and rest. Good thing this is the weekend, because I absolutely don't like to take more than one day off at a time.

MONDAY.....I finally will be able to store food again.

(WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE)

You know what I really don't love? Being without a refrigerator for an embarrassingly long amount of time. Having to attempt to use a dorm fridge to live out of, which is ridiculous and maddening. I don't want to pay my fucking rent right now.

I mean, I've tried to be nice, to deal with them honestly, I mean the fucking thing is broken and it is their responsibility to fix it or replace it, just as it's my responsibility to pay the rent. Can you imagine the shouting that would occur if I were to lie and say, well, I just can't afford to pay the rent so I'll just give you $500 a month until you bother the living shit out of me to get the rest?

No, when it is time to pay the rent, and if you don't, if you hold it, they are up your fucking ass, and then say, well, we'll have to do something about that fridge. By the way, did I mention that I have no confidence at all that anything is going to get done with it? I'm just going to get strung along again and again and again, because motherfuckers are too greedy and/or lazy to get the god damned job done and do the right thing.

Oh no, now is no longer the time to be cordial and nice, and politely request that they do what they are fucking supposed to do. I am so beyond my limit that I am bound to do or say something so venemous and nasty that it will fracture my relationship with them.

So, it is time to calm down. I've been as polite as I can be, and I can only be strung along and ignored for so long (which is, by the way, a lot longer than most people). Now is the time to just go get a new fridge and deduct it from the rent. Fuck it. I can't wait to savor the indignation that will inevitably come my way.

YOU try living like a fucking stray animal for months and see how YOU like it, asshole!!!