As a person I find porn amusing, sometimes funny even especially if watched in good light humor. As a freshman and sophmore in college I would sometimes watch the occasional internet porn with one of my former closest guy friends, my boyfriend's roomate Ben, strange as it may sound. I ever had it on my computer, or on paper for that matter, but Ben, a virgin in college, had a bunch of it. Once in a while he would be downloading it while we were sitting in his room studying and we would stop and watch it. I would tell him things like "that position would never work with a non porn star, the girl would scream in pain" or "why do they always have spike heels on in porn? I mean I know they are not going for realism but when was the last time you saw a girl hitchhiking in stilettos?" etc. and most of the times we would just laugh at the horribly bad story lines, acting or music. Like I said as a person, in a group situation porn is funny- amusing even.
As a girl and girlfriend (my boyfriend Matt and I have been together for 2 and a half years) I think porn is disgusting as well as degrading to those who have sex for love with those they do love. I feel it makes a mockery of the act. After waiting for quite sometime and never compromising with my virginity I had sex with my boyfriend because I was in love with him. I knew that he was the one I wanted to share that with and I don't regret that for a seccond. I was never pushed into it or pressured by any force and I can say that I mad my decision based on love, which I can say I am one of a very few percent who did, of which I am proud. But my boyfriend and I had made the decision together and one of my pre-reqs to this was that he give up porn. If I was going to share something that special I would not want it to be dulled down by seeing the act, made for love, displayed in such dark a display. It was pure to me and if he didn't think so, then it wasn't worth my time, love or no love, if he couldn't respect the act, then I was not going to share it. I guess the deciphering of whether or not you fall in to the gross or acceptable porn watcher relies in how and why you watch porn. If you watch it alone and do it for masturbation purposes when you have a girlfriend or boyfriend willing to do the things you are watching (if you are alone and do not have a person to share naked time with, then I can understand the need for release)then I think that there is something wrong with that. However if you are a group amusement watcher I think that is healthy and acceptable. I'm no crazy religious freak or even a morality freak, I am a woman proud and willing to share the goods when I am loved and respected as much as the act is. Granted this is only my opinion sparked by pop ups and junk mail but this is how I feel with few and little exceptions. Random I know but thats my entry good day folks.

I realize that I have not updated in a while and felt increasingly bad about it since seeing the e-strip crew on new years, so here I am. Earlier during Thanksgiving break when I was out for coffee with Mike and Jill, I was informed that other people read our journals, people I don't know, but that Mike and Jill have met or known, and that they discuss our journals sometimes. I was completely shocked, I had been writing these entries with the assumption that no one would really read, know, or care about me and my entries, you can tell in the format that I had been writing that it was aimed directly at my close friends. When I realized that other people had been regularly reading my journal I got a bit embarassed at all of the past things I wrote, just because I was so honest about how I really live, crying over a wedding story on tlc, money troubles, issues with my boyfriend, depression. I considered taking my journal offline, butI got so much positive feedback from my friends that I really don't see that often (since being at least 3-7 hours away from home for school) that I remembered why I started having a journal, which was to keep people up to date on me in a non fake way. Sure, I could do what my aunt from arizona does and send out that annoying newsletter to all of my friends at least once a year, but you honestly can't write one of those without sounding like you are bragging, and besides no one wants to read those, they are so general and boring. The other reason was because I have changed so much since starting college that I want my friends to still know who I am when I come home. I have started to read other people's journals who I did or do not know earlier this week, and I realize that I have nothing to be embarassed about, some peoples lives are more misguided than mine and more depressed than mine and I am glad that I throw in some cornyness sometimes and chesseyness people don't usually admit to(we all remeber the entry where I was talking about dancing naked in my dorm, when my roomate leaves for the weekend and I bust out the old school rap and dance naked or in my underwear, it is seriously the hilight of my week, and such a stress reliever -try it sometime).
Moving on, glad to see that I got such big mentions in MK and Mike's journals I thought you guys would appreciate a little new years suprise attack. Big ups to Paul for putting the directions to the party on the site, we drive past your apartment and wave almost everytime we go out but I never knew the exact address. Thanks to Paul and Terry for inviting the crazies off the street that I call my friends. Props to Terry for explaining the salt water tank, I felt like I was on bill nye or reading rainbow.
In other news, I am going back to work at the factory on Monday and have to get up at 5:30 thats about an 8 our difference from the time I get up now, I don't know how I will do it. Thank god it is only for a week and then I get to go back to bean town at 5:30 sunday morning. It's gonna be a crazy week.
I'm looking forward to being at my new school, a little nervous about making new friends as it is hard for me already because of my strangely high standards for friends and then the fact that there are only about 600 kids at this school. I am really going to have to suck it up and not be so synical and pessimistic for at least the first few weeks. Incredibly hard for me. I am also praying for a good roomate this time, it hasn't really happened yet, but I haven't had any unbelievably bad ones either, just none that I could deal with on a basic friendship level. Okay I have to go eat something, but I am feeling better that I let this out and feeling better that I updated. Godnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

I love that I told my cousin that we would go shopping at 1 tomorrow and it is already 3am, and since I need at least 10 hours of sleep on a non school day for me to actually get out of bed as well as an hour to shower then its not happening. She's going to call me and wake me up and I am going to be pissed, but she also invited me over for dinner so if I bail out on shopping I don't get dinner tomorrw. Its so funny how much I have no money right now that I need to rely on whatver dinner invitation I get to eat. During Thanksgiving break I was not concerned about the ammount that I was spending and I wasn't really thinking about my $400 deposit on my new school or christmas presents or my train ticket home. I had saved $300 which is quite a lot for me to have accumulated and I was expecting to go back to my nanny job when I got back to school when the family got back from Ireland. Well now I wish I had been concerned and tried to save more than I did. My nanny family came back and fired me with rumors that they were bringing back a girl from ireland to be a full time nanny. So there went my main income, so then I thought that I could just return my books for the remaining two hundred for the deposit as I spent a hundred on a train ticket home leaving me with $200. However returning my books gave me only $70. I am not only in debt for the remaining deposit money but I need to buy Christmas presents for my family and secret santa (as well as have some money for my secret santa dinner and new years). Matt and I already decided that we wont exchange gifts until after we get back to Boston which is later than 2 weeks after christmas which is depressing because I look forward to his gifts the most. Now my work tells me they are shutting down the factory for cleaning and repairs until the 5th of January which only gives me a week of work before I go back to school. I hate money and how unless you have it there is nothing to do or eat and I hate how in order to get money yu have to work. I hate working, and responsibility. I think I really hate working because it is so structured. Maybe if I was allowed to wake up naturally at whatever time my body feels fit (alarm clock alarms are my biggest pet peeve, the mere sound makes me angry literally very angry especially if they are loud alarms with straight beeping) and get ready at my own pace, and set my own days and hours then I would not care about having to work so much. If my job allowed all of those things I wouldn't care what I did, even cleaning elephant poop or pornography. The same I feel with school, I would have A's in every class if I could do it my way. Whatever.
So I got back to the B-flo Thursday at like 1am after a 13 hour train ride with Matt. Being with him made it only seem like 5-7 hours. I thought it was going to be horrible, but it was actually pretty fun kind of like an adventure. I prefer it to a seven hour car ride with matts dad (mainly because of the latter who feels that I am a distraction from Matts work and doesn't totally apporve of our relationship even though I am a lot of the reason Matt does sit down and do his work etc) We watched movies on his computer played simpson's clue and UNO and I didn't even really sleep at all (I nodded off for a half hour during monsters inc).
Today we went to Mikes dinner party which was quite delightful. I would not have believed that Mike could have pulled it off on his own had I not been there, but the food was delicious. The chicken was great despite my quandry about the oranges being cooked inside it. I am one of those people who doesn't try many new tastes with old food that I already like, especially when it involves fruit and meat or poultry. I guess I just like to keep my food groups pretty seperate with a few exeptions, but I must admit the chicken was very good and the mashed potatoes were quite a crowd pleaser(the cheese was a great thing as always). The conversation was good and my dancing was better, but
t
wi

st
er and zobmndo brought the house down as always. Good times. But now I must sleep as it is almost 4am and I know my cousin will undoubtedly wake me up too soon so goodnight everyone.

Wow, Boston is just recovering from a snow storm, I have been stuck at Matt's dorm for the second day in a row and will be missing class tomorrow due to a driving ban. While this sounds fun, tomorrow is my last day of french and American civ and I will be missing the review I so desprately need. Grr I hate snow. Not to mention that my boots are in my room 10 miles away and I have been taking on the storm in my red sneakers that get wet the second I step foot into the snow.
I have $200 dollars in my bank right now and I am hoping to make $200 in returning books so that I can make the $400 deposit for my new school that is due soon. Not to mention that whole christmas thing. The deposit will take up all of the money I have had saved for christmas. The factory I was hoping to work at over break shuts down for the week of christmas and then it will be another two weeks before I get my first pay check. Talk about a lousy holiday, oh well I am not homeless and I keep telling myself that so that I don't feel as bad. My mom is gonna be pissed that I won't have any presents for everyone. Strangely I bought hers before my economic depression but then her birthday is the day after christmas and I have no gift for that. Sometimes you just can't win. Graa.
I love the family guy, I am sorry that I didn't watch it when the episodes were coming out new. The stuff is so random and hilarious. Okay there is a free midnight breakfast at matts school that I need to take advantage of, because I have never been one to turn down free food and that explains a lot. goodnight.

Yesterday I was informed that I got into both of the schools that I applied to this semester. I am going to tour the remaining one on Saturday before I make a final decision, but the one that I toured last time will be tough to beat. I am very excited to get the hell out of here (my roomate was even more thrilled then I was). You know how the day that you know you are going to get your hair cut, your hair looks better than it ever has? Thats kind of how Curry College was for me today. I want to get out of here, I want to be more in the city, I want my old major, and I want to be closer to matt, but I spent the whole day today hanging out with these kids that I hang out with once in a great while, and I had like the best time. They are all pretty good friends because they've been hanging out together all the time this semster so I knew I was a bit out of the loop but I know that if I hung out with them a little more I would totally be in with them. And even though I was still technically out of the group I had an amazing time. Moving on, I've been thinking about my factory job that I have to go back to this christmas break and I am really dreading it. Thank god it will probably only be for like two or three weeks. I hope I can even get through that much, how did I ever do it this summer?
OMG My roommate is watching real sex on HBO and trying to pass it off like she's watching it because it's the funniest thing she's ever seen. Yeah sometimes its funny when you catch it when flipping channels but if you aren't really interested, you don't watch it for the full hour by yourself. She had a guy in here earlier and my friend Ferris and I were trying to embarass her and it was hilarious. She has been such a slut lately. There were three different guys in here this week. I gotta give her props for catching so many guys when she doesn't believe in pre-marital anything (and she's startlingly ugly), thinking about it, forget the props those guys probably didn't realize that she wasn't into naked time until halfway through the chick flicks she made them each watch. No wonder why it was a different guy each time, not to mention they were mad weirdos. The guy tonight had crooked and some missing teeth and could not pronounce his s's...real winner.
Matt has been working on his final projects non-stop which is good because he's such a procrastinator but I really miss him. I haven't really seen him at all since we've been back from thanksgiving break. Thats been really hard for me. And Mary Kate Maloy I miss her too I've seen her for only two hours in three months and then she was off to penn. I wondered if her lecturing aunt had murdered her because I hadn't seen or heard from her, she hasn't updated her journal and for a while she wasn't on aim.
How do I check this elmwoodstrip mail? I have no concept of where I retrieve it, someone let me know. So much more to say but not enough time to say it, story of my life. Alrighty tv and bed call...goodnight everyone!

So it's 1:16 in the afternoon and I recently just got up. I guess I shouldn't be suprised that I missed both of my classes today because it happens so frequently but I am pretty mad at myself for letting it happen again. I think it's just that I know I can pass without going and that I really hate being here, but I forget that attendence does count as part of my grade here and I should have learned after failing my english class my first semester freshman year because I missed too many classes. I hope that they would at least tell me that I was in danger of failing because of attendence but they didn't with my english class at mo-ville so again I should know better. Grrr. I won't get to see matt until at least tomorrow night and that depresses me because seeing him is generally what I look forward to after being stuck in this hole. I have crap to do today and I guess I should get started on it but then the depressed side of me is saying to sit around in my pajammas all day, but I like variety and I did that yesterday.
I really wish I had some friends down here it's not so fun spending all day alone and waiting for the few hours at night when I get to see Matt. It's pretty pathetic. It would be so nice to have friends here because there is so much stuff to do in Boston and it would be nice to try a lot of new things, but I generally don't want to do things by myself. It kinda sucks because Matt litterally only gets off his campus on the weekends and only then if there is good reason to. I would love to do fun stuff during the week, it would break things up and probably take away some of the depression or at least the focus on the depression, but Matt either has to much work, or wants to relax because he's had too much work. I need some friends bottom line. I guess I am going to have to make a conscious effort to make friends at my next school. However if I go to my first choice school there are only 600 students and that could be a problem.
Okay it's about time I showered and attempted to do something with my day. I will probably update later when I have something worthwhile to say about my day. Later.

So I didn't end up going to La Luna witht the crew last night, but I hope they all got in and I hope they had fun. I spent most of yesterday cleaning my house while my mom cooked. The bathroom that my brother and I use was a serious disaster area. My brother alone makes more of a mess in a bathroom than all 7 guys in Matts suite. It was gross to clean let me tell you.
Later Matt and I went to the Galeria Mall. I haven't been there in three months but it felt like I never left. I bought a really cute zipper buffalo hoodie and some black heels, both under $10. I kept shopping for myself using the excuse that I would need something to wear on christmas, when I should have been shopping for christmas. I did end up buying my mom's christmas present though. I have no idea what to get Matt, usually by this time I am hunting down some great gift online or something. I really hope that I come up with something soon.
Today is turkey day, I already ate dinner and a piece of cherry pie and it is only 5. My family ate dinner at 2:30 can you believe how early that is? Matt makes fun of my family for all being old and eating early. Whatever I guess.
I made a kick ass chocolate pie to bring to Matt's grandma's for dessert later. It is always so funny to me how I change from my being at home mode to my being around Matt's family mode. I turn into like susie houswife when I am around them and I don't even realize I do it until after I leave. I almost wish someone could videotape it so I could watch it and laugh at it later. Whatever, it's something you have to do when you want to get into the family someday.
Alright I have to go get my clothes out of the drier so I can change and be ready to go to Matt's. Goodnight everyone and Happy Thanksgiving.

Just read everyone's newest entries and have to ask when Jill took up pedifilia? And why is what Demi Moore taught us significant? I was confused...Mk's journal made me long to be home, getting some baskin robbins with everyone. Can you believe I haven't seen you guys in 3 months?? It seems so very long, but yet it seems to have flown by. I haven't updated in a few days which is pretty unlike me. I was at Matt's the whole weekend (usually we stay at my room friday night and his sunday). Matts roomates all went home this weekend so it seemed so quiet in Matts room. Friday night We chilled indoors watching standup on comedy central, and then we played a three hour game of monopoly (seriously it was three hours long, we are mad losers). Saturday we toured my first choice school, Fisher College, which was amazing. It is exactly what I want all around and I am dying to get in, but there are only 600 people in the school and it is pretty selective so only time will tell. The psychic on halloween did say I would be getting very good news in 6 weeks so hopefully this is it. After touring the school Matt and I walked the neighborhood around it called beacon hill. It is the most exspensive district in all of Boston. It looks kind of like a villiage in England and there are women with burberry scarves and designer shoes walking little dogs every five feet. You can always tell whether the area is a good area in Boston, by whether or not the servers in their starbucks speak english fluently without an accent, and they did in that neighborhood. It's right across from the public gardens and Boston Common and next door to the ritz carlton and it has a great view of the charles river. I love being able to sit in one spot and have 20 dogs come up to me.
After walking around for forever, we went to the common and sat by the pond and watched the ice skaters. I was really missing everyone at that point, I really want to show you guys winter in the city. There were groups of friends skating at the common and it just seems like something we would deffinately have to do when you guys come here. If and when you guys get here you are going to get the most amazing whirlwind tour.
After the park we took a train to this scarry part of cambridge in a mad search for a KFC someone told us about like a month ago. We had been craving KFC for a while and we once went out on a wild goose chase to find one and couldn't, but someone told us about this one out in cambridge. Why we decided to go out there that night I don't know. So we took this train there and it was only 5ish, but it was already dark, so we had to walk through this, what looked scarry neighborhood, but it may have only been scarry because it was dark out. Anyway we got our KFC, but it really didn't taste the same as at home for some reason. After that we took a train back to Matt's area to see Cat in the Hat at the fenway theater. Have you guys seen this yet? I enjoyed it, matt enjoyed it more than I did, but I deffinately don't think I would have taken a little kid to see that movie. There were a lot of little kids in the theater and they didn't seem to get the jokes the adults thought were funny, but I would not have wanted to chance that. I was suprised at the stuff they got away with in that movie.
Today I was just incredibly lazy. Matt, his roomate Jeb, and I watched the santa clause on tv, I forgot how good that movie is. Then they made me watch part of rush hour until we all watched a charlie brown thanksgiving. Not my favorite charlie brown holiday special but still a holiday staple for me. That peppermint patty is a total bitch, and she needs to realize it is a sick twisted love chain between marci, her and charlie brown. Thought I'd mention that. I'm guessing that patty and marci had a lesbian bondage relationship for a while (hence marci calling her sir) and it soured, Patty went straight and marci couldn't deal with it, and has been trying to get her back ever since. That is my thou
gh
ts

o
n the patty marci thing.
Now I am back at my room at Curry all by my lonesome (aside from satan's spawn being on her side of the room). I am so looking forward to being home with kitties and my friends. I'll be home sometime tuesday night, my guess is it will be too late to go out that night, but I will keep you posted just in case I get back earlier than expected. Mike do you still use your cell phone?? Cause I'll call that if I get in early, let me know if you do. If I don't make it back in time tuesday then I will see you guys wednesday. When is everyone free?? Okay I should get back to lying around doing nothing. Tough job. Maybe I'll start packing who knows. Goodnight!

I have been obsessed with this Jessica Simpson song on her new CD called With You lately, listening to it over and over. I love having a song of the moment. Its a good thing for headphones too because I would drive people crazy with the ammount of times I play this song. Although the girl next door plays that damn Faith Hill Cry song 20 zillion times a day and it makes me want to strangle her with her power cord.
Has anyone seen this HBO Carnivale show? How crazy and confusing, I feel like the only people who could possibly understand that show are stoners and opium addicts.
I've spent the last two days sleeping at innapropriate times it seems. Whatever that means. I finished my cause and effects paper on the womens rights convention of 1848, as fun as that was....I finished it a lot sooner than I thought thank god. You know what song I really think I hate? I believe I can fly..How annoying is that song??? And I love how r. Kelly went from that nicely cheesey semi-spiritual song to the rawnchy crap he does now not to mention that whole 14 year old sex thing...speaking of which, this whole Michael Jackson thing is just craziness, they should have convicted him like ten years ago, and They've been saying he knew his house was gonna be searched at least 3 months before it was, cause he has inside people he pays so of course there was no evidence in his house, last time they said he knew 5 months before he was gonna be arrested. They really need to work on that whole secrecy thing.
So why am I not Jessica Simpson? I wanted Nick Lachey long before she did, I don't mind being kind of dumb as long as it's cute and endearing to everyone else in the world, I could totally live in that body with those clothes in that house and I would love to have her voice not to mention her money. So where is she, I wanna trade.
The roomate aka satan's spawn went home for the weekend already amen. So I will probably spend the rest of the night dancing in my underwear if not naked. good times will be had by me. Nothing like being a nudie patudie to playas gonna play, haters gonna hate...
Cat in the hat coming out this weekend, I'm gonna see it but I really hope it is better than I am xpecting it to be, I can really see it going either way. I really haven't seen a bad movie at all at the theater since I've been at school I'd hate to have this break the streak. Whatev I'm excited to be touring my first choice college saturday afternoon (fisher college) anything is better than this dump (yes even morrisville in ways) Okay naked dancing calls, later everyone. Goodnight!

I'm currently listening to the Gin Blossoms and Journey, quite the mix. Its a dark day here in Bean town (that's bostons little nickname, it's like a really ghetto boy band name all at the same time). I hate the days when it's dark just for the sake of being dark, either snow or rain if you are gonna be dark, that way I can try to convince myself that it will be nice later. I have so much shit on my mind and I'm feeling a little depressed. Ahhh bi-polarism rears it's ugly head. I usually update this at night, but it's mid afternoon, or rather morning for me since I got up at 12:30 sleeping through my only two classes. Classic signs that I am going to have a manic day, the over-sleep. Although I've gotten only about 5 hours or so, sleep a night all week, so my body was exhausted. Its crazy that I stopped taking my paxil a few months ago because I really think it could help, it did before. The semester I started taking it I got the best grades I have ever gotten in my life. Then all that shit with Matt happened, then this whole summer, wow medication would have been so helpful then. Why did I stop taking it? A few reasons: it was getting pricy (thats what I told my doctor but it really wasn't so bad), I lost my old doctor so I couldn't get a perscription unless I went to a new doctor and it's hard to tell people all the fucked up things that goes on in my head and life (hence why most of you don't know about any of the shit previously mentioned, matt barely does), My mom was all over my case about it telling me if I was really sick I should go to a mental hospital etc I ignore it but it does play a part on my screwyness, lastly I guess I really didn't want to take them in the first place I don't want to rely on pills to make me normal I should be able to fight it myself. I really thought I could fight it, I mean I'm not suicidal or anything (at least not since I graduated and got out of my house) so I'm not gonna do anything crazy, but I really can't stop being depressed sometimes. I've gotten used to it, I know my patterns and stuff but it sucks to be in it. I have the urge to delete all of this and write a normal boring entry about what I did yesterday, but I guess I know that the only people who would read this thing, if anyone does, would be my absolute core friends who wouldn't judge and who probably deserve an explanation. There are just so many things that I couldn't get myself to tell you all for fear of judgement. Actually you probably all know peices of the puzzle because when stuff would happen to me I would call one person and tell them but then swear that person to secrecy, then next time something happened I would call a different person and swear them to secrecy, and so on. So everyone has one bad situation, but on a whole you all only end up knowing one thing. Does that make any sense? It did to me but I am crazy so that doesn't suprise me. That is why I feel I have lost touch with a lot of you, you don't know who I have become since high school and that makes it hard I'm sure. I don't feel I know who many of you are since high school either, but that is probably the give and take sistuation where I don't tell you anything solid and important about who I am and what is happeneing to me so why should I expect the same from you. I am getting to this point of near perfection here in the city, but my past keeps haunting me. Things that I haven't dealt with make it impossible for me to look entirely forward. A lot of these things I really don't know how to deal with or feel okay about now, because for some, so much time has passed. I guess this will make no sense to anyone until I let my skeletons out of the closet instead of dancing around their subjects, and leave them behind, because I can't look forward until I close the door. There is never a really appropriate time to let them out however, because we are such a fun loving bunch that it seems that we never really get the chance to be serious with one anot
he
r

or
say how we are really feeling. I got very close to sharing some things with most of you the night before I left for school at coffee and, when teres went around and asked us if we were happy. I wanted to say so much that I kept inside and I regret that. I only know who you guys were in high school in reality, and back then we were not concerned with how each other felt neccisarily because we didn't want anything to bring us down when we hung out which I understand, but I don't know if that is how it still is now? That is a main reason I kept so much inside or only told select things, to individuals, at certain times in the past 2 and a half years. I am not just saying these things on my behalf but for everyone, I'm sure that you all have some really deep rooted frustrations that you want advice about, or just to vent without judgement, and get just sheer support on and maybe you haven't been able to address it because you didn't know how. I vent everything to Matt i'm almost positive he knows 100% of the issues I have, but sometimes one person is not enough, and sometimes his opinions are biased for a reason and wish I had another side. Sometimes the issues are about him and I would just like some support for trying to carry this whole big life out here on my own. Not to mention for all of his support Matt doesn't understand the whole depression thing and I feel like he just wants to say suck it up sometimes, and thats hard to deal with too, but I know its because he thinks I'm invincible and can do anything I put my mind to, I can do a pretty good job at portraying this image, but I need other support the kind that he sometimes can't give. I need you guys. Thats all I am gonna say. If you have any questions or concerns don't hesitate to e-mail me at duchess12@hotmail.com or call me at 716-228-5402, it isn't long distance if you are in buffalo. seriously don't hesistate, if you need me I am there for you, I'd do anything for you guys.