So it's 1:16 in the afternoon and I recently just got up. I guess I shouldn't be suprised that I missed both of my classes today because it happens so frequently but I am pretty mad at myself for letting it happen again. I think it's just that I know I can pass without going and that I really hate being here, but I forget that attendence does count as part of my grade here and I should have learned after failing my english class my first semester freshman year because I missed too many classes. I hope that they would at least tell me that I was in danger of failing because of attendence but they didn't with my english class at mo-ville so again I should know better. Grrr. I won't get to see matt until at least tomorrow night and that depresses me because seeing him is generally what I look forward to after being stuck in this hole. I have crap to do today and I guess I should get started on it but then the depressed side of me is saying to sit around in my pajammas all day, but I like variety and I did that yesterday.
I really wish I had some friends down here it's not so fun spending all day alone and waiting for the few hours at night when I get to see Matt. It's pretty pathetic. It would be so nice to have friends here because there is so much stuff to do in Boston and it would be nice to try a lot of new things, but I generally don't want to do things by myself. It kinda sucks because Matt litterally only gets off his campus on the weekends and only then if there is good reason to. I would love to do fun stuff during the week, it would break things up and probably take away some of the depression or at least the focus on the depression, but Matt either has to much work, or wants to relax because he's had too much work. I need some friends bottom line. I guess I am going to have to make a conscious effort to make friends at my next school. However if I go to my first choice school there are only 600 students and that could be a problem.
Okay it's about time I showered and attempted to do something with my day. I will probably update later when I have something worthwhile to say about my day. Later.

So I didn't end up going to La Luna witht the crew last night, but I hope they all got in and I hope they had fun. I spent most of yesterday cleaning my house while my mom cooked. The bathroom that my brother and I use was a serious disaster area. My brother alone makes more of a mess in a bathroom than all 7 guys in Matts suite. It was gross to clean let me tell you.
Later Matt and I went to the Galeria Mall. I haven't been there in three months but it felt like I never left. I bought a really cute zipper buffalo hoodie and some black heels, both under $10. I kept shopping for myself using the excuse that I would need something to wear on christmas, when I should have been shopping for christmas. I did end up buying my mom's christmas present though. I have no idea what to get Matt, usually by this time I am hunting down some great gift online or something. I really hope that I come up with something soon.
Today is turkey day, I already ate dinner and a piece of cherry pie and it is only 5. My family ate dinner at 2:30 can you believe how early that is? Matt makes fun of my family for all being old and eating early. Whatever I guess.
I made a kick ass chocolate pie to bring to Matt's grandma's for dessert later. It is always so funny to me how I change from my being at home mode to my being around Matt's family mode. I turn into like susie houswife when I am around them and I don't even realize I do it until after I leave. I almost wish someone could videotape it so I could watch it and laugh at it later. Whatever, it's something you have to do when you want to get into the family someday.
Alright I have to go get my clothes out of the drier so I can change and be ready to go to Matt's. Goodnight everyone and Happy Thanksgiving.

Just read everyone's newest entries and have to ask when Jill took up pedifilia? And why is what Demi Moore taught us significant? I was confused...Mk's journal made me long to be home, getting some baskin robbins with everyone. Can you believe I haven't seen you guys in 3 months?? It seems so very long, but yet it seems to have flown by. I haven't updated in a few days which is pretty unlike me. I was at Matt's the whole weekend (usually we stay at my room friday night and his sunday). Matts roomates all went home this weekend so it seemed so quiet in Matts room. Friday night We chilled indoors watching standup on comedy central, and then we played a three hour game of monopoly (seriously it was three hours long, we are mad losers). Saturday we toured my first choice school, Fisher College, which was amazing. It is exactly what I want all around and I am dying to get in, but there are only 600 people in the school and it is pretty selective so only time will tell. The psychic on halloween did say I would be getting very good news in 6 weeks so hopefully this is it. After touring the school Matt and I walked the neighborhood around it called beacon hill. It is the most exspensive district in all of Boston. It looks kind of like a villiage in England and there are women with burberry scarves and designer shoes walking little dogs every five feet. You can always tell whether the area is a good area in Boston, by whether or not the servers in their starbucks speak english fluently without an accent, and they did in that neighborhood. It's right across from the public gardens and Boston Common and next door to the ritz carlton and it has a great view of the charles river. I love being able to sit in one spot and have 20 dogs come up to me.
After walking around for forever, we went to the common and sat by the pond and watched the ice skaters. I was really missing everyone at that point, I really want to show you guys winter in the city. There were groups of friends skating at the common and it just seems like something we would deffinately have to do when you guys come here. If and when you guys get here you are going to get the most amazing whirlwind tour.
After the park we took a train to this scarry part of cambridge in a mad search for a KFC someone told us about like a month ago. We had been craving KFC for a while and we once went out on a wild goose chase to find one and couldn't, but someone told us about this one out in cambridge. Why we decided to go out there that night I don't know. So we took this train there and it was only 5ish, but it was already dark, so we had to walk through this, what looked scarry neighborhood, but it may have only been scarry because it was dark out. Anyway we got our KFC, but it really didn't taste the same as at home for some reason. After that we took a train back to Matt's area to see Cat in the Hat at the fenway theater. Have you guys seen this yet? I enjoyed it, matt enjoyed it more than I did, but I deffinately don't think I would have taken a little kid to see that movie. There were a lot of little kids in the theater and they didn't seem to get the jokes the adults thought were funny, but I would not have wanted to chance that. I was suprised at the stuff they got away with in that movie.
Today I was just incredibly lazy. Matt, his roomate Jeb, and I watched the santa clause on tv, I forgot how good that movie is. Then they made me watch part of rush hour until we all watched a charlie brown thanksgiving. Not my favorite charlie brown holiday special but still a holiday staple for me. That peppermint patty is a total bitch, and she needs to realize it is a sick twisted love chain between marci, her and charlie brown. Thought I'd mention that. I'm guessing that patty and marci had a lesbian bondage relationship for a while (hence marci calling her sir) and it soured, Patty went straight and marci couldn't deal with it, and has been trying to get her back ever since. That is my thou
gh
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o
n the patty marci thing.
Now I am back at my room at Curry all by my lonesome (aside from satan's spawn being on her side of the room). I am so looking forward to being home with kitties and my friends. I'll be home sometime tuesday night, my guess is it will be too late to go out that night, but I will keep you posted just in case I get back earlier than expected. Mike do you still use your cell phone?? Cause I'll call that if I get in early, let me know if you do. If I don't make it back in time tuesday then I will see you guys wednesday. When is everyone free?? Okay I should get back to lying around doing nothing. Tough job. Maybe I'll start packing who knows. Goodnight!

I have been obsessed with this Jessica Simpson song on her new CD called With You lately, listening to it over and over. I love having a song of the moment. Its a good thing for headphones too because I would drive people crazy with the ammount of times I play this song. Although the girl next door plays that damn Faith Hill Cry song 20 zillion times a day and it makes me want to strangle her with her power cord.
Has anyone seen this HBO Carnivale show? How crazy and confusing, I feel like the only people who could possibly understand that show are stoners and opium addicts.
I've spent the last two days sleeping at innapropriate times it seems. Whatever that means. I finished my cause and effects paper on the womens rights convention of 1848, as fun as that was....I finished it a lot sooner than I thought thank god. You know what song I really think I hate? I believe I can fly..How annoying is that song??? And I love how r. Kelly went from that nicely cheesey semi-spiritual song to the rawnchy crap he does now not to mention that whole 14 year old sex thing...speaking of which, this whole Michael Jackson thing is just craziness, they should have convicted him like ten years ago, and They've been saying he knew his house was gonna be searched at least 3 months before it was, cause he has inside people he pays so of course there was no evidence in his house, last time they said he knew 5 months before he was gonna be arrested. They really need to work on that whole secrecy thing.
So why am I not Jessica Simpson? I wanted Nick Lachey long before she did, I don't mind being kind of dumb as long as it's cute and endearing to everyone else in the world, I could totally live in that body with those clothes in that house and I would love to have her voice not to mention her money. So where is she, I wanna trade.
The roomate aka satan's spawn went home for the weekend already amen. So I will probably spend the rest of the night dancing in my underwear if not naked. good times will be had by me. Nothing like being a nudie patudie to playas gonna play, haters gonna hate...
Cat in the hat coming out this weekend, I'm gonna see it but I really hope it is better than I am xpecting it to be, I can really see it going either way. I really haven't seen a bad movie at all at the theater since I've been at school I'd hate to have this break the streak. Whatev I'm excited to be touring my first choice college saturday afternoon (fisher college) anything is better than this dump (yes even morrisville in ways) Okay naked dancing calls, later everyone. Goodnight!

I'm currently listening to the Gin Blossoms and Journey, quite the mix. Its a dark day here in Bean town (that's bostons little nickname, it's like a really ghetto boy band name all at the same time). I hate the days when it's dark just for the sake of being dark, either snow or rain if you are gonna be dark, that way I can try to convince myself that it will be nice later. I have so much shit on my mind and I'm feeling a little depressed. Ahhh bi-polarism rears it's ugly head. I usually update this at night, but it's mid afternoon, or rather morning for me since I got up at 12:30 sleeping through my only two classes. Classic signs that I am going to have a manic day, the over-sleep. Although I've gotten only about 5 hours or so, sleep a night all week, so my body was exhausted. Its crazy that I stopped taking my paxil a few months ago because I really think it could help, it did before. The semester I started taking it I got the best grades I have ever gotten in my life. Then all that shit with Matt happened, then this whole summer, wow medication would have been so helpful then. Why did I stop taking it? A few reasons: it was getting pricy (thats what I told my doctor but it really wasn't so bad), I lost my old doctor so I couldn't get a perscription unless I went to a new doctor and it's hard to tell people all the fucked up things that goes on in my head and life (hence why most of you don't know about any of the shit previously mentioned, matt barely does), My mom was all over my case about it telling me if I was really sick I should go to a mental hospital etc I ignore it but it does play a part on my screwyness, lastly I guess I really didn't want to take them in the first place I don't want to rely on pills to make me normal I should be able to fight it myself. I really thought I could fight it, I mean I'm not suicidal or anything (at least not since I graduated and got out of my house) so I'm not gonna do anything crazy, but I really can't stop being depressed sometimes. I've gotten used to it, I know my patterns and stuff but it sucks to be in it. I have the urge to delete all of this and write a normal boring entry about what I did yesterday, but I guess I know that the only people who would read this thing, if anyone does, would be my absolute core friends who wouldn't judge and who probably deserve an explanation. There are just so many things that I couldn't get myself to tell you all for fear of judgement. Actually you probably all know peices of the puzzle because when stuff would happen to me I would call one person and tell them but then swear that person to secrecy, then next time something happened I would call a different person and swear them to secrecy, and so on. So everyone has one bad situation, but on a whole you all only end up knowing one thing. Does that make any sense? It did to me but I am crazy so that doesn't suprise me. That is why I feel I have lost touch with a lot of you, you don't know who I have become since high school and that makes it hard I'm sure. I don't feel I know who many of you are since high school either, but that is probably the give and take sistuation where I don't tell you anything solid and important about who I am and what is happeneing to me so why should I expect the same from you. I am getting to this point of near perfection here in the city, but my past keeps haunting me. Things that I haven't dealt with make it impossible for me to look entirely forward. A lot of these things I really don't know how to deal with or feel okay about now, because for some, so much time has passed. I guess this will make no sense to anyone until I let my skeletons out of the closet instead of dancing around their subjects, and leave them behind, because I can't look forward until I close the door. There is never a really appropriate time to let them out however, because we are such a fun loving bunch that it seems that we never really get the chance to be serious with one anot
he
r

or
say how we are really feeling. I got very close to sharing some things with most of you the night before I left for school at coffee and, when teres went around and asked us if we were happy. I wanted to say so much that I kept inside and I regret that. I only know who you guys were in high school in reality, and back then we were not concerned with how each other felt neccisarily because we didn't want anything to bring us down when we hung out which I understand, but I don't know if that is how it still is now? That is a main reason I kept so much inside or only told select things, to individuals, at certain times in the past 2 and a half years. I am not just saying these things on my behalf but for everyone, I'm sure that you all have some really deep rooted frustrations that you want advice about, or just to vent without judgement, and get just sheer support on and maybe you haven't been able to address it because you didn't know how. I vent everything to Matt i'm almost positive he knows 100% of the issues I have, but sometimes one person is not enough, and sometimes his opinions are biased for a reason and wish I had another side. Sometimes the issues are about him and I would just like some support for trying to carry this whole big life out here on my own. Not to mention for all of his support Matt doesn't understand the whole depression thing and I feel like he just wants to say suck it up sometimes, and thats hard to deal with too, but I know its because he thinks I'm invincible and can do anything I put my mind to, I can do a pretty good job at portraying this image, but I need other support the kind that he sometimes can't give. I need you guys. Thats all I am gonna say. If you have any questions or concerns don't hesitate to e-mail me at duchess12@hotmail.com or call me at 716-228-5402, it isn't long distance if you are in buffalo. seriously don't hesistate, if you need me I am there for you, I'd do anything for you guys.

Okay you all know I generelly enjoy britney as much as the next sane person, but in the past three days I have seen more britney shows and interviews than I ever needed to see. My roomate is a huge britney spears fan and while there are no britney posters in my room (thankgod) she (britney) is the only thing I have seen and heard for three days. They both must be destroyed.
I talked to Jill on the phone today for like 45 minutes. Good times. I did most of the talking...how annoying that must have been for her. Now that I have sworn everyone else off calling me I'd just like to mention that my cell phone is a local number so that anyone in the Buffalo area can call me w/o long distance charges. Now I know you are all probably wondering why I haven't called anyone else really in the three months if I had a local number the whole time, but the truth is I just realized that it was local charges about two weeks ago, which is about how long it took me to get ahold of jill due to conflicting schedules. Just so you know, call me, no pressure or anything, I'll just find you and kill you if you don't call.
I love how that whole last paragraph revolved around the thought that people actually read this thing, funny...
I spent today doing absolutely nothing important. I had two classes and was out by 11:30 when I ate lunch, called Matt and spent a good three hours watching daytime reality tv. I love a proposal and a wedding story on TLC. It has become a scheduled event any day that I am not working which is usually only about 2 days a week. However, this week and next week the family I babysit for will be in Ireland (the father is Irish and his family lives there) so I will probably be watching TLC daytime every day, pathetic but true. I am pretty lucky that my roomate has class during the TLC daytime schedulde because I tend to sob uncontrolably at the cuteness of the shows and that would not fit well with the negative aloofness I try to keep up with my roomate. I don't love the second chance show so much though because some of the people should never have a second chance. The first episode I ever saw of that show was a woman wanting to reunite with her exfiance a year after they broke up, because he caught her in bed with another guy. He could not understand why she would even think about reuniting and frankly neither could I.
Wow, I just spent a long time talking about daytime tv on TLC, I wonder if that is the reason or the result of my not having any friends?? You decide, I have to study for an American Civ test. Goodnight.

Got a new hair cut today, shorter than I expected, but I like it. I'll get used to the shortness I guess. Matt and I walked through Copley Plaza today. It is the most exspensive Mall that I have ever been to in my life. It had Tiffany's, Neiman Marcus, Dior, Louis Vetton, and every other store you hear about in rap songs and red carpet shows. Then we walked outside and found a park we had never been to before- the southwest corridor park, surrounded by the kind of neighborhood that you dream of living in in the city. There were nicely dressed people walking pampered little dogs (mostly gay, people that is, I couldn't tell if the dogs were). There was a dog spa in the neighborhood that advertised hydrotherapy for dogs. I so want a dog, a little one that I can carry around the city with me like Elle Woods and take it to doggy spas. OMG there was a store in Copley Place that sold evening gowns, the most exspensive and elegant designer ball gowns etc and the sales people got to wear them (like that T New york store that used to be in the Boulevard Mall, but with actually classy dresses), and they were hiring. I made a huge scene (unintentionally) when I saw the sign because I got excited that I might be able to get a job there and wear the dresses too, and the people in the store wearing the dresses turned and stared at me...embarassing...I guess I ruined my chance at that job. Okay well, thats really all that happened today...I find these things awkward to end...goodnight

After much proding from MK and Mike I am starting my online journal. I hope this works...What's new? Glad I asked, I've been missing a lot of class unintentionally which I am sure isn't good, but it hasn't seemed to change my ability to do well in class. At this school, I find that I could miss 95% of classes and still have at least an -A. Not that I am complaining, but it will probably make it a lot harder next semester when I start a real school again....Almost got in a fight Thursday night. These spoiled rich brat girls who live down the hall refuse to dry their hair in the bathroom where they are supposed to, and so they cause a power surge and kill the power on my side of the building every time. It was midnight and I wanted to make some mac and cheese and go to bed. Wasn't happening because they killed the power, so when I went and got the RA to get someone to fix it, she asked me why it kept happening and I told her. The brat girls were all drunk and flipped out about me telling the RA and kept yelling "you wanna fight" from their rooms. You guys know that I am always looking for a good fight, especially when I know I can take them, so you know it was extremely hard for me not to bust in and kick ass, but they were drunk and not fully aware of they were saying and I don't want to get kicked out of this school even if I do hate it...I'm currently in Matt's room in the city where he and his roomates are watching the simpsons and I am listening to C+C and the music factory on headphones. Matt rented me What a girl Wants tonight after bugging him for months about it. We watched the second Lord of the Rings movies last night which I agree with Mike to be better than the first. Legolas looking so very tasty...MEOW...You can only imagine how much Matt loved watching that with me swooning over everything Legolas did and saying how hot it was everytime he did something (the part where he surfs down the stairs in the big end fight on the sheild and shoots all the guys HOT, the part where they make him hand in his swords before entering the king's castle and he does this sweet move with them before handing them to the guy HOT..too many other parts to discuss..)...I need to dance, really need it. I haven't been to a club since I was home, mainly because as many of you remember Matt is not a fan of clubs. So I hear that Teres and Jill will not be in the B-lo for the summer? Where are they going this time? and Why for so long? I miss the old summers where we hung out all the time and did stupid stuff like play board games, or rented movies and sprawled in each others living rooms. Those were good times. We will probaby never have summers like that again after this one since most, if not all of us, will be graduating next year. Sad, how fast we all grow up. Well now that I have sufficiently depressed everyone I will end here. goodight!