I'm currently listening to the Gin Blossoms and Journey, quite the mix. Its a dark day here in Bean town (that's bostons little nickname, it's like a really ghetto boy band name all at the same time). I hate the days when it's dark just for the sake of being dark, either snow or rain if you are gonna be dark, that way I can try to convince myself that it will be nice later. I have so much shit on my mind and I'm feeling a little depressed. Ahhh bi-polarism rears it's ugly head. I usually update this at night, but it's mid afternoon, or rather morning for me since I got up at 12:30 sleeping through my only two classes. Classic signs that I am going to have a manic day, the over-sleep. Although I've gotten only about 5 hours or so, sleep a night all week, so my body was exhausted. Its crazy that I stopped taking my paxil a few months ago because I really think it could help, it did before. The semester I started taking it I got the best grades I have ever gotten in my life. Then all that shit with Matt happened, then this whole summer, wow medication would have been so helpful then. Why did I stop taking it? A few reasons: it was getting pricy (thats what I told my doctor but it really wasn't so bad), I lost my old doctor so I couldn't get a perscription unless I went to a new doctor and it's hard to tell people all the fucked up things that goes on in my head and life (hence why most of you don't know about any of the shit previously mentioned, matt barely does), My mom was all over my case about it telling me if I was really sick I should go to a mental hospital etc I ignore it but it does play a part on my screwyness, lastly I guess I really didn't want to take them in the first place I don't want to rely on pills to make me normal I should be able to fight it myself. I really thought I could fight it, I mean I'm not suicidal or anything (at least not since I graduated and got out of my house) so I'm not gonna do anything crazy, but I really can't stop being depressed sometimes. I've gotten used to it, I know my patterns and stuff but it sucks to be in it. I have the urge to delete all of this and write a normal boring entry about what I did yesterday, but I guess I know that the only people who would read this thing, if anyone does, would be my absolute core friends who wouldn't judge and who probably deserve an explanation. There are just so many things that I couldn't get myself to tell you all for fear of judgement. Actually you probably all know peices of the puzzle because when stuff would happen to me I would call one person and tell them but then swear that person to secrecy, then next time something happened I would call a different person and swear them to secrecy, and so on. So everyone has one bad situation, but on a whole you all only end up knowing one thing. Does that make any sense? It did to me but I am crazy so that doesn't suprise me. That is why I feel I have lost touch with a lot of you, you don't know who I have become since high school and that makes it hard I'm sure. I don't feel I know who many of you are since high school either, but that is probably the give and take sistuation where I don't tell you anything solid and important about who I am and what is happeneing to me so why should I expect the same from you. I am getting to this point of near perfection here in the city, but my past keeps haunting me. Things that I haven't dealt with make it impossible for me to look entirely forward. A lot of these things I really don't know how to deal with or feel okay about now, because for some, so much time has passed. I guess this will make no sense to anyone until I let my skeletons out of the closet instead of dancing around their subjects, and leave them behind, because I can't look forward until I close the door. There is never a really appropriate time to let them out however, because we are such a fun loving bunch that it seems that we never really get the chance to be serious with one anot
he
r

or
say how we are really feeling. I got very close to sharing some things with most of you the night before I left for school at coffee and, when teres went around and asked us if we were happy. I wanted to say so much that I kept inside and I regret that. I only know who you guys were in high school in reality, and back then we were not concerned with how each other felt neccisarily because we didn't want anything to bring us down when we hung out which I understand, but I don't know if that is how it still is now? That is a main reason I kept so much inside or only told select things, to individuals, at certain times in the past 2 and a half years. I am not just saying these things on my behalf but for everyone, I'm sure that you all have some really deep rooted frustrations that you want advice about, or just to vent without judgement, and get just sheer support on and maybe you haven't been able to address it because you didn't know how. I vent everything to Matt i'm almost positive he knows 100% of the issues I have, but sometimes one person is not enough, and sometimes his opinions are biased for a reason and wish I had another side. Sometimes the issues are about him and I would just like some support for trying to carry this whole big life out here on my own. Not to mention for all of his support Matt doesn't understand the whole depression thing and I feel like he just wants to say suck it up sometimes, and thats hard to deal with too, but I know its because he thinks I'm invincible and can do anything I put my mind to, I can do a pretty good job at portraying this image, but I need other support the kind that he sometimes can't give. I need you guys. Thats all I am gonna say. If you have any questions or concerns don't hesitate to e-mail me at duchess12@hotmail.com or call me at 716-228-5402, it isn't long distance if you are in buffalo. seriously don't hesistate, if you need me I am there for you, I'd do anything for you guys.

Okay you all know I generelly enjoy britney as much as the next sane person, but in the past three days I have seen more britney shows and interviews than I ever needed to see. My roomate is a huge britney spears fan and while there are no britney posters in my room (thankgod) she (britney) is the only thing I have seen and heard for three days. They both must be destroyed.
I talked to Jill on the phone today for like 45 minutes. Good times. I did most of the talking...how annoying that must have been for her. Now that I have sworn everyone else off calling me I'd just like to mention that my cell phone is a local number so that anyone in the Buffalo area can call me w/o long distance charges. Now I know you are all probably wondering why I haven't called anyone else really in the three months if I had a local number the whole time, but the truth is I just realized that it was local charges about two weeks ago, which is about how long it took me to get ahold of jill due to conflicting schedules. Just so you know, call me, no pressure or anything, I'll just find you and kill you if you don't call.
I love how that whole last paragraph revolved around the thought that people actually read this thing, funny...
I spent today doing absolutely nothing important. I had two classes and was out by 11:30 when I ate lunch, called Matt and spent a good three hours watching daytime reality tv. I love a proposal and a wedding story on TLC. It has become a scheduled event any day that I am not working which is usually only about 2 days a week. However, this week and next week the family I babysit for will be in Ireland (the father is Irish and his family lives there) so I will probably be watching TLC daytime every day, pathetic but true. I am pretty lucky that my roomate has class during the TLC daytime schedulde because I tend to sob uncontrolably at the cuteness of the shows and that would not fit well with the negative aloofness I try to keep up with my roomate. I don't love the second chance show so much though because some of the people should never have a second chance. The first episode I ever saw of that show was a woman wanting to reunite with her exfiance a year after they broke up, because he caught her in bed with another guy. He could not understand why she would even think about reuniting and frankly neither could I.
Wow, I just spent a long time talking about daytime tv on TLC, I wonder if that is the reason or the result of my not having any friends?? You decide, I have to study for an American Civ test. Goodnight.

Got a new hair cut today, shorter than I expected, but I like it. I'll get used to the shortness I guess. Matt and I walked through Copley Plaza today. It is the most exspensive Mall that I have ever been to in my life. It had Tiffany's, Neiman Marcus, Dior, Louis Vetton, and every other store you hear about in rap songs and red carpet shows. Then we walked outside and found a park we had never been to before- the southwest corridor park, surrounded by the kind of neighborhood that you dream of living in in the city. There were nicely dressed people walking pampered little dogs (mostly gay, people that is, I couldn't tell if the dogs were). There was a dog spa in the neighborhood that advertised hydrotherapy for dogs. I so want a dog, a little one that I can carry around the city with me like Elle Woods and take it to doggy spas. OMG there was a store in Copley Place that sold evening gowns, the most exspensive and elegant designer ball gowns etc and the sales people got to wear them (like that T New york store that used to be in the Boulevard Mall, but with actually classy dresses), and they were hiring. I made a huge scene (unintentionally) when I saw the sign because I got excited that I might be able to get a job there and wear the dresses too, and the people in the store wearing the dresses turned and stared at me...embarassing...I guess I ruined my chance at that job. Okay well, thats really all that happened today...I find these things awkward to end...goodnight

After much proding from MK and Mike I am starting my online journal. I hope this works...What's new? Glad I asked, I've been missing a lot of class unintentionally which I am sure isn't good, but it hasn't seemed to change my ability to do well in class. At this school, I find that I could miss 95% of classes and still have at least an -A. Not that I am complaining, but it will probably make it a lot harder next semester when I start a real school again....Almost got in a fight Thursday night. These spoiled rich brat girls who live down the hall refuse to dry their hair in the bathroom where they are supposed to, and so they cause a power surge and kill the power on my side of the building every time. It was midnight and I wanted to make some mac and cheese and go to bed. Wasn't happening because they killed the power, so when I went and got the RA to get someone to fix it, she asked me why it kept happening and I told her. The brat girls were all drunk and flipped out about me telling the RA and kept yelling "you wanna fight" from their rooms. You guys know that I am always looking for a good fight, especially when I know I can take them, so you know it was extremely hard for me not to bust in and kick ass, but they were drunk and not fully aware of they were saying and I don't want to get kicked out of this school even if I do hate it...I'm currently in Matt's room in the city where he and his roomates are watching the simpsons and I am listening to C+C and the music factory on headphones. Matt rented me What a girl Wants tonight after bugging him for months about it. We watched the second Lord of the Rings movies last night which I agree with Mike to be better than the first. Legolas looking so very tasty...MEOW...You can only imagine how much Matt loved watching that with me swooning over everything Legolas did and saying how hot it was everytime he did something (the part where he surfs down the stairs in the big end fight on the sheild and shoots all the guys HOT, the part where they make him hand in his swords before entering the king's castle and he does this sweet move with them before handing them to the guy HOT..too many other parts to discuss..)...I need to dance, really need it. I haven't been to a club since I was home, mainly because as many of you remember Matt is not a fan of clubs. So I hear that Teres and Jill will not be in the B-lo for the summer? Where are they going this time? and Why for so long? I miss the old summers where we hung out all the time and did stupid stuff like play board games, or rented movies and sprawled in each others living rooms. Those were good times. We will probaby never have summers like that again after this one since most, if not all of us, will be graduating next year. Sad, how fast we all grow up. Well now that I have sufficiently depressed everyone I will end here. goodight!