Because in no other country in the world would someone invent 'freako instruments' called The Egotar, The Swiss Army Bass, The Droning Betsy, or the Great Train Wreck. Out of duct tape.



- Z

Any country where you can be invited to a state dinner for the president and the press and proceed to lambaste both, and still wake up the next morning, is OK in my book.

Guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

- Z

I just got an IM from (e:dragonlady7) at home - we just had the health inspector drop by for tea and biscuits!

I guess he stopped in, had a look at the Compost Pile of Plague and Pestilence, said 'Yeah, this is cool. Maybe put it up on bricks. I'll give you a week; if you need more time, just give me a call and I'll give you another week. Nice yard, by the way.'

Ooooh. I'm just so irked. But- this means that, bricks aside, we now have legal authority to compost with impunity, and thus shall the End Times begin! Behold my terrible power!

- Z

but I swear I use my powers for good and not for evil. So my miserable old cuntbag of a neighbor, who is most famous for uprooting my garden , started ringing on my doorbell this lovely Sunday afternoon. The first ring, I thought maybe I had a package. The second ring a second later, I thought maybe somebody was visiting me. The third ring I thought a friend was visiting, but by the fourth ring in as many seconds I knew exactly who it was.

'Mrs. Bob,' I said, never having been properly introduced, 'is the doorbell broken?' Which apparently caught her off-guard, because she stammered a bit before laying into me about the compost heap. I leaned in the doorway and kind of half-squinted and half-smiled and just basically thought about baseball. And when she started winding down and expected me to say something, I just kind of kept squinting and smiling like I was waiting for her to get to the point, so she started right up again, and I just kind of stood there. The cycle repeated itself about five times before she finally realized:

'Are you listening to me?'

OK, I admit it - I'm a terrible liar. When somebody calls me out like that I gotta fess up. 'No, not really.'

'Well are you going to take it out?'

'Take what out?' And then it started again. She went through another three cycles of complaints wherein a compost heap would cause rats, a pox on the first-born, and Armageddon. 'So are you going to take it out?'

I didn't really have any inclination to do anything with it except make compost for our vegetable garden, so all I said was: 'no.'

Wo boy, and then she got really mad. Her face split; the skin and hair split and came off of her face so that there was nothing except the skull. An orange light came out of her hair, and it lit all around. Fire shot from her eye sockets and began to burn my stomach.* She left spurting invective and cursing to gods long dead and also, coincidentally, threatening to call the Health Department. I just stood in the doorway and waited until she left. She started complaining to her husband ['Mr. Bob,' who did properly introduce himself], who was then mowing the lawn and who I cannot say I ever thought would ever stand up to her, say 'Stop. I'm trying to mow the lawn. OK?' [Baby steps, Mr. Bob. Baby steps.]

So maybe En-Con will be by tomorrow and we can sit around and work through an Ad Council coloring book about proper composting technique. Wouldn't that be fun? Oh-- and this compost heap which will inevitably usher in the End Times? It's about a foot and a half square by about a foot high.

- Z

_______________

• Bill Cosby, 'Chocolate Cake for Breakfast' gather:0732920001146437417

That is extremely high-quality.

OK, except I got hit by a log and it crashed my computer. Kind of ups the ante a bit, eh?

[New journal music from a couple of days ago: ¿Qué Vas a Hacer? by Juan Garcia Esquivel.]

- Z

Good News:
Tomorrow you should run not walk to your local bus stop or coffee shop and pick up a copy of the paper. Our yearly restaurant guide hits the stands tomorrow and it contains 120 restaurants in and around the city. You should also visit it online regularly and perhaps even download it to your iPod. It has been an exhausting week, and it is time to sit back and burn one.

Neutral News:
Went to the Century Grill last night and saw they still had a stack of the final issue of Buffalo Current. 'Schade,' as the Germans would say.

Bad News:
Our annual popularity contest [hitting stands next week] has destroyed my faith in humanity. By my own count, my website got thoroughly trounced in the Best Local Website category not only by by the 800-pound-gorilla of the local Internet [which I have to say I expected because they've totally got us beat*] but also - and this is what burns me - by the most idiotic, vapid, and poorly-designed website in the entire state. You would think that, backed by all the resources of Warren Buffett and the Buffalo News, they would be able to put together a relevant, informative, and aesthetically-pleasing website - but it's not even as good as the real Buffalo News website , which isn't exactly winning any awards either.

What is wrong with people? When you ask them what their favorite Buffalo website is, do they just go and type 'Buffalo' in the little box at the top and see what happens? WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE.

- Z

_______________

• For now. But now they've got my competitive spirit up and they're totally going down. But not so much that they're going down, as we're going up.

...now we can both be cool.

I guess I just don't know what's cool anymore. This morning I had a discussion with (e:dragonlady7) wherein i posited that the coolest car in the universe would be a new diesel VW Rabbit converted to use waste vegetable oil.

She did not agree.

I said ok, the coolest car in the universe would be an old diesel VW Rabbit converted to use waste vegetable oil.

She just sighed.

Anyway-- Century Grill tonight, if anyone else is interested in stopping by and being cool. (MAP TO: 320%20PEARL%20ST)

- Z

so (e:dragonlady7) and I are going to hang out at the Century Grill (MAP TO: 320%20PEARL%20ST) TOMORROW and drink beer and eat wings. [It's part of Dining Out for Life - 50% of your bill will go to AIDS Community Services of WNY and AIDS Family Services].

I don't know when we're going or how long we're staying, but if anyone else wants to join us, slap me a post-it or just stop in.

- Z

Geezer drinks are the new hipster drinks. Had a brandy alexander at Shadow Lounge last night that rocked my socks off. Here's another goodie you'd be able to make if only you hadn't poured out that Christian Brothers your great-uncle gave you for Christmas eight years ago.

Sidecar
1.5oz brandy
0.5oz cointreau
some sour mix and a lemon wedge

Serve neat and cold in a chilled stem glass. V. tasty, v. dangerous.

- Z

It has recently come to my attention (e:zobar,37) that some people have formed the opinion that I am what is referred to as a "Jersey hater." [How's that for passive voice?] I categorically deny all allegations.

I used to live in Jersey City, NJ (MAP TO: 227 GARFIELD AVE) in a neighborhood not too dissimilar from, say, Fillmore Ave. Let us call it a neighborhood in decline, and leave it at that. My first night out I was both solicited by prostitutes and stopped by the Bayonne Police for looking like a suspected felon. Other tenants in my building did, indeed, drink 40s on the porch, though I believe their preferred libation was Colt 45 (WIKIPEDIA - Colt 45 (malt liquor)).

And I did not like Jersey, per se. When describing Jersey City, I have been known to use the word 'sucky.' And when I crossed the Newark Bay Bridge for the last time I believe that I may have rolled down my window and shouted 'God's mercy on you swine!' to, well ... let's face it, the entire state.

I was young and foolish then, and I accept full responsibility for my youthful indiscretion. I did not understand the full gravitas of the word 'sucky.' But I did learn, when I moved to Westchester County, NY.

When describing Westchester I have used the words 'suckier than Jersey,' and I still hold this to be true. When I crossed the Tappan Zee for the last time I believe my words were 'May God have no mercy on you swine,' and continued with the invective until well after I had passed Middletown, NY. It's not so much that Westchester is any suckier than Jersey, but that Westchester doesn't understand why it's sucky, or even that it is sucky. Jersey, on the other hand, is what it is. No illusions, no pretensions, just Jersey. And for that I commend Jersey. [I also commend Jersey for both the Colonette and the Miss America - two excellent diners who understand the Tao of Reuben. But I digress.]

I save my most spiteful invective, though, for Bergen County, NJ; my 'Bergen County Suburb Name Generator' can speak for itself.

- Z