Maybe some have noticed, others may not, but I have been MIA here at good ol Estrip. Perhaps I shall vent...

Classes are getting a little heavy and the real work hasn't even started yet. I hope I can maintain some hint of sanity throughout this semester.
Sometimes I want so desperatly to run back to new paltz and take the easy road...I was smart there. Smarter even, then other people, and here I can't help but feel like I don't belong here sometimes. That there was some mistake in the acceptance and now they wish they could take it back but they can't. I know this is ridiculous, but so is the mind.
I guess I also have issues with where I am life. I am still not so sure that i made it through undergrad, and did quite well. I don't always remember college, don't remember what it was like to be there, but I know that I am there once again, only this time its different, but not. I can't believe I am in grad school...how the hell did I get here? Do really deserve this?
When I went to New Paltz, I was young, ignorant, naive, all that jazz. I didn't know what I wanted to know, who I was, where I was headed. I remember being absolutely terrified. Yet, I made it through and now, here I am, feeling like I am back there again. But I guess this is how it goes in life. One thing is conquered, a bigger and more scary thing awaits around every turn. This is how you get better, grow, learn, become...

Even now I feel guilty for being on here. I should be reading, writing a paper, thinking about a research topic. We were talkiing in class yesterday about how suicides on college campuses tend to occur in Dec and May. I can't help but be cinical..is this type of pressure really necessary to gain an education? Who ever thought it was a good idea to have all of your big projects due in one week? And yet, people do it, survive, thrive even.
eh...fuck it. I chose to be here. I want to be here. I am paying to be here. Self doubt is stupid.

Paul!

Felly is locked out of her estrip account. She tried to change her email and it says she has to confirm her email first, but no email was sent to her new email.

Please help!

My exboyfriend just informed me of this. I don't really know anything about it other than they are and want to implant little bitty micro chips into HUMAN BEINGS for such nice little things like "patient identification" and "infant protection". Sounds fishy to me...

It has been brought to my attention by my lovely girlfriend that I may indeed come off as a raging bitch in my posts and comments. I was completely unaware of this, but I value her opinions and anyone outside of me cause certainly I can't see myself as others do. I would like to take this time out to say I have never ever ever intentionally tried to sound mean or harsh or belittling to anyone on this site.

One thing to keep in mind. I am fairly immersed in the academic world. I eat, sleep, breathe criticism, analysation, etc. It is my job to disagree with people. And I do forget that in school, these people are not people, but theories, books, divorced from their authors because their authors are not there. Here I understand it to be a little more personal.

So, for those of you who have met me, you know that I am a fairly shy, soft spoken kind of girl. Please picture me when reading these posts and know that I have no intentions other than good clean disagreements and thought provoking dialogue. And also, please please please criticise me. Someone said "don't take this as a criticism" although it indeed was and I am A-OK with that. How the hell else do you learn? And finally, we all know that computers and blogging and all that crap lack a certain human finesse that makes it difficult to soak up tone of voice, sarcasm, emphasis and the like, so know that I may read one way, but if you and I were chatting over coffee, chances are I would sound a whole lot different.

OkOKOk, last but not least. I understand that I am quite radical in my views. I am even radical amongst many feminists and I am OK with that. I am not surprised that people disagree with me much of the time. That doesn't mean, however, that I am not going to share my views on whatever it is that I am thinking about at the moment, or that I will not address a comment for the sake of being nice......Deal?

my two cats have taken to curling up at the end of our very large bed and sleeping there the entire night, every night. i think this is probably one of my favorite things about buffalo...they did not do this before...they slept elsewhere throughout our house. now, they sleep with us.

I get emails everyday or so from Planned Parenthood letting me know whats been going on the Pro Choice arena. And today I got one about "the largest anti-choice" march that happened...today, yesterday maybe. Anyways...I googled it, like I like to do, and found this fabulous website called ProLifeBlogs.com. Gross. The rhetoric they use...baby killlers, pro-abortion, talking about ripping apart fetuses and what not. I just find it hard to stomach...that they can't step back from their own moral bullshit for one second and see the truth of it all.
My mother...yes, the christian...was/is pro-life. However, I felt the need to discuss with her why we need to have safe, afordable abortions available for those who want/need it. She understands. The world is not perfect. Yes, in a perfect world, women would not have to get abortions, but we all know too effin well that this world is not perfect and it is ridiculous to go about pretending like it is. I guess my issue here is similair to that of the crazy funadamentalist sign carrying christians who shove their morals down other peoples throats. Go home. Be with your kids. Get a hobby that doesn't involove making other people feel like shit so you can make yourself feel better.

So apparently there was a fire on Elmwood, one door south from the Rite Aid Pharmacy and Bryant. this is not very far from my own apt. and felly and I just kept on sleeping, oblivious. According to the story it was a historic house built in the 1890's and the materials that were used in building it can not be found today. the link is here if anyone is interested:

In the article you can really feel the pain of the guy who owned the house and puts lots of money and work into it. He loved that house and compared losing it to the death of his parents. Very sad. I am not sure where I am going with this, but I guess it is making me think about loving inanamate things, objects really, and the human ability to bring them to life in all but the true sense of the word.

Moving on to more mundane things like the weather. Tomorrow it is supposed to be beautiful and felly and I both kinda have the day off (although I feel like I can never have a day off because the reading just keeps on coming). Either way, I know that beautiful days like today and tomorrow will not be around for much longer, so I plan on enjoying them as much as I can.

In other news. I have come to discover that driving west on 33 at 7:00pm is the worst idea ever. The sun is soooo blinding that I can't see the road, the car in front of me, the signs, nothing. For this reason, and this reason only, I am looking forward to the sun setting a little earlier each day. and if you happen to be driving on that road at the time, I am the douche bag driving 50 mph in the middle while people pass me on both sides because I can't see a godam thing!

Note: this was initially a comment, but I kinda went off and decided to make a post out of it.

Way to go Drew. It is sad but true that crazies like Fred Phelps and others wave the banner of religion and christian beliefs using the name only to spout hatefull slurs that encourage violence. This only leads to more hatred of these so called christians. I refuse to believe that all christians are like this, because, for example, my parents are quite religous, every sunday church goers if you will, yet openly accept me and my partner with loving arms. granted they were not always so accepting, but sometimes all it takes is a little love, patience, and guidance and cure those nasty habits. fundamentalists, extremists, people that teach hate...they should not and do not exemplify christianity. they are confused, scared, and ignorant to what the bible really teaches...love, respect, honesty. not that i am saying that christianity works for me, because after 18 years of (presbyterian)religious knowledge, i know that, right now, it doesn't. that however does not mean that I go around disrespecting those who find meaning within that community. whatever floats your boat, thats why I say. i think throughout history, as Drew said, people have shown themselves to need religion, spirituality of some sort or another. why? to find meaning, understanding, peace of mind, security. many reasons I am sure. the problem comes only when one group refuses to acknowledge that other options exist. I have my beliefs, you have yours...can't we all just get along?

Here is the proof of what happened last night at the Emmy's. As soon as I saw it I knew that something was fishy. Yes, she swore in the part that was cut out, but there was no bleep, just a loooong awkward cut away shot that could possibly be mistaken for a technical error, but you watch, decide for youself.

I spent the majority if yesterday immersed in this book called Fledgling by Octavia Butler. It is a story about vampires, so to speak, and this particular girl who is a result of genetic mixing of humans and vampires. Her skin is brown which makes her less susceptible to sunlight, so she can be out during the day and can sleep without falling into a deep sleep that doesn't permit her to wake up till nightfall. Her entire family was murdered because of her mixed blood and she is trying to save her own life while simultaneously figuring out who she is, because she lost her memory but not her life during the first attack on her home. I have not gotten to the end, but it is becoming apparent that other vampires are trying to keep their kind "pure", seperate from humans gentically, and that is why they hate her and want her dead. A very interesting take on otherness, hatred, and fear.

I have always been a reader. I remember being young and staying up late reading, becoming so connected with the characters to the point of never wanting the book to end. And now, well, I have read 200+ pages of this book since yesterday, because I couldn't put it down. Partly because it is a relief to be reading a novel rather than theory of one type or another, but also because, even though it is fiction, it is about people. About people's lives, relationships, hardships, joys and sufferings and all that jazz. This is what I cling to. This is why feminism grabbed me the way it did, and this is why I despise reading abstract theories that have nothing to do with individual people. And even though I accept a certain universalism about humanity, I think it is dangerous theoretical ground to walk on.

Dar dar...I have to write a paper. The first paper (whoa 2 pages) I have written on over two years. The last paper I wrote was 15 pages about the way beauty standards affect black women and white women differently. I loved that class because the woman who taught it was from Ohio and sounded a lot like my Aunt. She was also a Black Panther and taught Anthropology with a lens that addressed race and gender and class. She was cool. This paper, not so cool.