to begin, I am in the last 5 week countdown of my thesis completion. needless to say i am a little stressed...although it could be worse. i am trying to take a different attitude with the whole thing cause my lack of work over the last five or so months is a good indicator that whatever it was i have been doing wasn't working.

in other news
felly and i aren't leaving buffalo. we decided that we simply aren't ready to move yet. financially speaking, we don't have enough saved to be comfortable in making the leap and neither of us had found jobs when we made this decision. Emotionally speaking we just aren't ready and honestly, i think neither of us are sure that westchester/nyc is where we would go when we do decide to move. i think we certainly will be moving out of buffalo in 6-9 months, but not september, that's for sure.

we are, however, still moving out of our current place cause we told our landlords that we were and our downstairs neighbor already has her sights on our apt. im a little nervous about moving because we have it pretty good here, but i am on the look out for a pet friendly apt with a second floor balcony that doesn't have a bug problem and... oh yeah, good heat and hot water. i hate being cold. at first i thought we could move a little more north, but the truth is, i like down here in ye olde elmwood village. i could even do allentown or depending on the area, a couple blocks to the east or west of elmwood. maybe i am too picky. probably.

oh and

BATTLE AT BUFFALO
SATURDAY JULY 25 - - TOMORROW
7:oo ISH $5 cash at the door gets you hours of fun and excitement
910 Main Street above Hyatts Art Store just south of Allen
come one come all bring your friends

peace out.

I have to work tomorrow in Lackawanna...I usually take Elmwood straight down to get on the Skyway...my question is...should I just take the Thruway instead or will I still be able to get onto 5 from Elmwood?

Or

Is Elmwood closed off for Taste of Buff tomorrow and if it isn't... should I still just avoid that entire area completely?

I drove straight through the allentown artfest and thought it was kinda fun :)

Sigh. Ok...I have been thinking and thinking and thinking about this... and I don't exactly know why. I was not a Michael Jackson worshiper, I don't even own any of his albums. However, I have always had, I think, a complex understanding of how truly influential he was, beyond his music, beyond his dancing, beyond his persona. That being said, I have to get these things out of my head and this seems like a good place. Facebook is too big for me these days and I don't need all the comments that will certainly come if I put this there. But I need someone to read it and you folks are reliable...to give me feedback, or not. To read it, or not. But it will be there, at least.

To begin, what I think I mean when I say "beyond" is that beyond Michael Jackson as an individual, a human being (which I will get to) he, unluckily for him, represents only the beginning of the generation of tabloids, paparazzi, sick and sickening interests and obsessions with mega-celebrities and pop cultural icons. I think he was an easy target. A target, I mean that. Why we as culture, and I mean this both globally and the U.S. specifically, need to find outlets for our hatred, our disgusts, our sick fascination with people we believe to be different from us, I do not understand. I see Michael's body, his face, his heart as a dumping ground for our own self-loathing. How cowardly are we when our target is someone we cannot touch, yet secretly wish to so badly. We yearn for a taste of Michael's fame, his gigantic person even as we despite and chastise him for it. But there are many mega-stars these days who this can be said about, but none come close. None come close. Why Michael?

We all know the allegations. We all know the stories that start from him being so young. So young. A human being, center stage for all the world to see. A human being who everyone thinks they know, they know it all. Children in his bed. Bleach on his skin. Hundreds of plastic surgery operations and now, now, drugs. Overdose? He was just tired. Just so tired. But what can any of us know of the pressure, the all see-ing eye that watches every move, but can never see it all. How does one maintain any for of sanity through such a hailstorm of criticism, of hatred, of allegations and fingers pointing, pointing, screaming at you. If it sounds dramatic, it's because it is.

And then I think. Why now? Why this out pouring of love now? Millions of people expected at his funeral. Where were the fans last week, last year? Would it have mattered to him? I don't think so, because that is not the type of love that makes a human being feel loved. We wonder why he loved children so much. I don't. I doubt that there were many adults who could be around Michael truthfully, honestly and free from misconceptions, assumptions and expectations. Children, I think, gave him that. Gave him his humanity through their innocence, their honesty, their ability to be outside of it all. This discussion of course merits another...and although I am hesitant to participate in it, I will. Do I think Michael Jackson was a child molester? No. I don't. Do I think Michael did somethings with children that could be considered child molestation? Yes, I do. I will not speculate as to what happened, but I will say this. I do not think that Michael ever, ever intended on hurting, physically or mentally, the children he had in his care. I think that he was mentally ill and that his actions were the result of his own upbringing, and his inability to understand and respect cultural norms of behavior. That we would expect him to do so, I feel, is unrealistic, because we as a culture have been expecting him, always, to not be normal, wanting him, demanding him, to be otherwise. This does not make what may have happened ok. What it does is, I hope, make us realize that Michael was simultaneously victim and victimizer.

This brings me to a point that has been in the forefront of my thoughts, one that makes me nervous. Makes me question everything. I think that Michael Jackson was, or would have been, a gay man. I am scared to say this because first, so often homosexuality, particularly in men, is equated with child molestation, and I DO NOT wish to imply that this is the basis for my assumption. What I do think is that Michael grew up not only in a family where homophobia was rampant, but also in a culture where, no matter how many leaps and bounds we make, faggot, cock-sucker, and pussy are the worst insults one can throw at a man. I also think that Michael's youth, where one begins to understand and explore sexuality, was filled with mixed signals and hazing sessions into heterosexuality. From early on I believe that Michael showed signs of femininity, gentleness and the like, all of which pointed to his father that Michael may not be the heterosexual man he was supposed to be. Chances are, Michael began hiding his sexuality before he even understood what it meant.
Related to this, I believe Michael suffered from body dysmorphia and, as a result, anorexia. These types of mental illness are, I think, much more common in gay men. I can't help but wonder why, while everyone was so focused on Michael's nose, his skin, they never, or rarely commented on his ever thinning body. They called him frail occasionally, but I have heard only once or twice over the last few days the mention of an eating disorder. Would people be so quick to chastise him if they considered this? I don't know.

So I return to my question. Why Michael? I will not hesitate to say this. Michael was a genius and unfortunately, so often what comes with genius is torment. You cannot hold that kind of genius in your hand. The music, the videos, the dancing, the performer, the clothes, the everything, all combined and never stopping. You simply can't touch it, but we all tried. We are all still trying and will be, I think, for a long time. What I hope people will begin to realize is that his genius was genuine, human genius. Fragile and powerful and alive. I am so torn between what I hope is true, honest respect for Michael in his death and the ever increasing media storm that is surrounding his family at this time. What I can say is that you can see now that even in his death, Michael is bringing people together, dancing and singing in the streets. Dancing and singing in the streets.