mobile07/01/09 01:05 - ID#49139
Michael.
Sigh. Ok...I have been thinking and thinking and thinking about this... and I don't exactly know why. I was not a Michael Jackson worshiper, I don't even own any of his albums. However, I have always had, I think, a complex understanding of how truly influential he was, beyond his music, beyond his dancing, beyond his persona. That being said, I have to get these things out of my head and this seems like a good place. Facebook is too big for me these days and I don't need all the comments that will certainly come if I put this there. But I need someone to read it and you folks are reliable...to give me feedback, or not. To read it, or not. But it will be there, at least.
To begin, what I think I mean when I say "beyond" is that beyond Michael Jackson as an individual, a human being (which I will get to) he, unluckily for him, represents only the beginning of the generation of tabloids, paparazzi, sick and sickening interests and obsessions with mega-celebrities and pop cultural icons. I think he was an easy target. A target, I mean that. Why we as culture, and I mean this both globally and the U.S. specifically, need to find outlets for our hatred, our disgusts, our sick fascination with people we believe to be different from us, I do not understand. I see Michael's body, his face, his heart as a dumping ground for our own self-loathing. How cowardly are we when our target is someone we cannot touch, yet secretly wish to so badly. We yearn for a taste of Michael's fame, his gigantic person even as we despite and chastise him for it. But there are many mega-stars these days who this can be said about, but none come close. None come close. Why Michael?
We all know the allegations. We all know the stories that start from him being so young. So young. A human being, center stage for all the world to see. A human being who everyone thinks they know, they know it all. Children in his bed. Bleach on his skin. Hundreds of plastic surgery operations and now, now, drugs. Overdose? He was just tired. Just so tired. But what can any of us know of the pressure, the all see-ing eye that watches every move, but can never see it all. How does one maintain any for of sanity through such a hailstorm of criticism, of hatred, of allegations and fingers pointing, pointing, screaming at you. If it sounds dramatic, it's because it is.
And then I think. Why now? Why this out pouring of love now? Millions of people expected at his funeral. Where were the fans last week, last year? Would it have mattered to him? I don't think so, because that is not the type of love that makes a human being feel loved. We wonder why he loved children so much. I don't. I doubt that there were many adults who could be around Michael truthfully, honestly and free from misconceptions, assumptions and expectations. Children, I think, gave him that. Gave him his humanity through their innocence, their honesty, their ability to be outside of it all. This discussion of course merits another...and although I am hesitant to participate in it, I will. Do I think Michael Jackson was a child molester? No. I don't. Do I think Michael did somethings with children that could be considered child molestation? Yes, I do. I will not speculate as to what happened, but I will say this. I do not think that Michael ever, ever intended on hurting, physically or mentally, the children he had in his care. I think that he was mentally ill and that his actions were the result of his own upbringing, and his inability to understand and respect cultural norms of behavior. That we would expect him to do so, I feel, is unrealistic, because we as a culture have been expecting him, always, to not be normal, wanting him, demanding him, to be otherwise. This does not make what may have happened ok. What it does is, I hope, make us realize that Michael was simultaneously victim and victimizer.
This brings me to a point that has been in the forefront of my thoughts, one that makes me nervous. Makes me question everything. I think that Michael Jackson was, or would have been, a gay man. I am scared to say this because first, so often homosexuality, particularly in men, is equated with child molestation, and I DO NOT wish to imply that this is the basis for my assumption. What I do think is that Michael grew up not only in a family where homophobia was rampant, but also in a culture where, no matter how many leaps and bounds we make, faggot, cock-sucker, and pussy are the worst insults one can throw at a man. I also think that Michael's youth, where one begins to understand and explore sexuality, was filled with mixed signals and hazing sessions into heterosexuality. From early on I believe that Michael showed signs of femininity, gentleness and the like, all of which pointed to his father that Michael may not be the heterosexual man he was supposed to be. Chances are, Michael began hiding his sexuality before he even understood what it meant.
Related to this, I believe Michael suffered from body dysmorphia and, as a result, anorexia. These types of mental illness are, I think, much more common in gay men. I can't help but wonder why, while everyone was so focused on Michael's nose, his skin, they never, or rarely commented on his ever thinning body. They called him frail occasionally, but I have heard only once or twice over the last few days the mention of an eating disorder. Would people be so quick to chastise him if they considered this? I don't know.
So I return to my question. Why Michael? I will not hesitate to say this. Michael was a genius and unfortunately, so often what comes with genius is torment. You cannot hold that kind of genius in your hand. The music, the videos, the dancing, the performer, the clothes, the everything, all combined and never stopping. You simply can't touch it, but we all tried. We are all still trying and will be, I think, for a long time. What I hope people will begin to realize is that his genius was genuine, human genius. Fragile and powerful and alive. I am so torn between what I hope is true, honest respect for Michael in his death and the ever increasing media storm that is surrounding his family at this time. What I can say is that you can see now that even in his death, Michael is bringing people together, dancing and singing in the streets. Dancing and singing in the streets.
To begin, what I think I mean when I say "beyond" is that beyond Michael Jackson as an individual, a human being (which I will get to) he, unluckily for him, represents only the beginning of the generation of tabloids, paparazzi, sick and sickening interests and obsessions with mega-celebrities and pop cultural icons. I think he was an easy target. A target, I mean that. Why we as culture, and I mean this both globally and the U.S. specifically, need to find outlets for our hatred, our disgusts, our sick fascination with people we believe to be different from us, I do not understand. I see Michael's body, his face, his heart as a dumping ground for our own self-loathing. How cowardly are we when our target is someone we cannot touch, yet secretly wish to so badly. We yearn for a taste of Michael's fame, his gigantic person even as we despite and chastise him for it. But there are many mega-stars these days who this can be said about, but none come close. None come close. Why Michael?
We all know the allegations. We all know the stories that start from him being so young. So young. A human being, center stage for all the world to see. A human being who everyone thinks they know, they know it all. Children in his bed. Bleach on his skin. Hundreds of plastic surgery operations and now, now, drugs. Overdose? He was just tired. Just so tired. But what can any of us know of the pressure, the all see-ing eye that watches every move, but can never see it all. How does one maintain any for of sanity through such a hailstorm of criticism, of hatred, of allegations and fingers pointing, pointing, screaming at you. If it sounds dramatic, it's because it is.
And then I think. Why now? Why this out pouring of love now? Millions of people expected at his funeral. Where were the fans last week, last year? Would it have mattered to him? I don't think so, because that is not the type of love that makes a human being feel loved. We wonder why he loved children so much. I don't. I doubt that there were many adults who could be around Michael truthfully, honestly and free from misconceptions, assumptions and expectations. Children, I think, gave him that. Gave him his humanity through their innocence, their honesty, their ability to be outside of it all. This discussion of course merits another...and although I am hesitant to participate in it, I will. Do I think Michael Jackson was a child molester? No. I don't. Do I think Michael did somethings with children that could be considered child molestation? Yes, I do. I will not speculate as to what happened, but I will say this. I do not think that Michael ever, ever intended on hurting, physically or mentally, the children he had in his care. I think that he was mentally ill and that his actions were the result of his own upbringing, and his inability to understand and respect cultural norms of behavior. That we would expect him to do so, I feel, is unrealistic, because we as a culture have been expecting him, always, to not be normal, wanting him, demanding him, to be otherwise. This does not make what may have happened ok. What it does is, I hope, make us realize that Michael was simultaneously victim and victimizer.
This brings me to a point that has been in the forefront of my thoughts, one that makes me nervous. Makes me question everything. I think that Michael Jackson was, or would have been, a gay man. I am scared to say this because first, so often homosexuality, particularly in men, is equated with child molestation, and I DO NOT wish to imply that this is the basis for my assumption. What I do think is that Michael grew up not only in a family where homophobia was rampant, but also in a culture where, no matter how many leaps and bounds we make, faggot, cock-sucker, and pussy are the worst insults one can throw at a man. I also think that Michael's youth, where one begins to understand and explore sexuality, was filled with mixed signals and hazing sessions into heterosexuality. From early on I believe that Michael showed signs of femininity, gentleness and the like, all of which pointed to his father that Michael may not be the heterosexual man he was supposed to be. Chances are, Michael began hiding his sexuality before he even understood what it meant.
Related to this, I believe Michael suffered from body dysmorphia and, as a result, anorexia. These types of mental illness are, I think, much more common in gay men. I can't help but wonder why, while everyone was so focused on Michael's nose, his skin, they never, or rarely commented on his ever thinning body. They called him frail occasionally, but I have heard only once or twice over the last few days the mention of an eating disorder. Would people be so quick to chastise him if they considered this? I don't know.
So I return to my question. Why Michael? I will not hesitate to say this. Michael was a genius and unfortunately, so often what comes with genius is torment. You cannot hold that kind of genius in your hand. The music, the videos, the dancing, the performer, the clothes, the everything, all combined and never stopping. You simply can't touch it, but we all tried. We are all still trying and will be, I think, for a long time. What I hope people will begin to realize is that his genius was genuine, human genius. Fragile and powerful and alive. I am so torn between what I hope is true, honest respect for Michael in his death and the ever increasing media storm that is surrounding his family at this time. What I can say is that you can see now that even in his death, Michael is bringing people together, dancing and singing in the streets. Dancing and singing in the streets.
Permalink: Michael_.html
Words: 1159
Location: Buffalo, NY
Category: gay
06/10/09 01:47 - 69ºF - ID#48884
Doin My Part
Because it's funny.
Permalink: Doin_My_Part.html
Words: 5
Location: Buffalo, NY
Category: elmwood
05/08/09 06:12 - 67ºF - ID#48627
4+ Car Accident Elmwood
So last night around 9:30pm I was outside on my porch when I heard a screeeeechCRASH! It was obviously a car crash and I knew right away that it wasn't any average fender bender, but what Felly and I (and practically all of our apartment building and the surrounding neighbors) saw when we got out there was more than I had expected.
First, right in front of our building was a COP CAR slammed into a parked car that happened to belong to my downstairs neighbor. On the opposite side of the street was another car that had been hit. Further north on the street was another jeep that was also involved. There may have been a fifth car but I did not venture up there in my pj's to check it out.
We heard one story that claimed that the cop car had been chasing someone without their lights on and had to swerve to miss someone who pulled out in front of them. Another story said that cop was just driving to fast. Either way, I can't quite make out what happened, especially after seeing the tire marks on the road this morning. Some twenty to thirty feet from where the cop car stopped the skid marks start...looking as though the cop hit a car up there and continued to slide that thirty feet, somehow hitting another car in the process. Either way, that cop was going WAY TOO FAST for a residential street. Unless he was chasing a murderer, slow the eff down, especially at night when you can barely see pedestrians crossing 10 feet in front of you. Someone could have been killed. If you are on the 300 block of Elmwood in the next couple days, check out the skid marks and the carnage.
Oh AND, my poor neighbor. SHE has to pay to get her car fixed and then the Buffalo police will POSSIBLY reimburse her! Need I not remind you that she was PARKED on the street, legally I might add, and wasn't even in her car when it happened and she has to pay AND she is moving to Rochester next week and they are going to make her drive back and forth for paperwork BS. All I can say is the Buffalo Police Department needs to take some responsibility here. I don't care if you have lights on your car and a badge with your name on it, if you are speeding down a street and cause a four car accident, you better pay.
Oh and. Why isn't this on the internet yet? I googled pretty much everything I can think of and it's a no show. I know there were news channels there last night because we saw there cameras. Hm.
First, right in front of our building was a COP CAR slammed into a parked car that happened to belong to my downstairs neighbor. On the opposite side of the street was another car that had been hit. Further north on the street was another jeep that was also involved. There may have been a fifth car but I did not venture up there in my pj's to check it out.
We heard one story that claimed that the cop car had been chasing someone without their lights on and had to swerve to miss someone who pulled out in front of them. Another story said that cop was just driving to fast. Either way, I can't quite make out what happened, especially after seeing the tire marks on the road this morning. Some twenty to thirty feet from where the cop car stopped the skid marks start...looking as though the cop hit a car up there and continued to slide that thirty feet, somehow hitting another car in the process. Either way, that cop was going WAY TOO FAST for a residential street. Unless he was chasing a murderer, slow the eff down, especially at night when you can barely see pedestrians crossing 10 feet in front of you. Someone could have been killed. If you are on the 300 block of Elmwood in the next couple days, check out the skid marks and the carnage.
Oh AND, my poor neighbor. SHE has to pay to get her car fixed and then the Buffalo police will POSSIBLY reimburse her! Need I not remind you that she was PARKED on the street, legally I might add, and wasn't even in her car when it happened and she has to pay AND she is moving to Rochester next week and they are going to make her drive back and forth for paperwork BS. All I can say is the Buffalo Police Department needs to take some responsibility here. I don't care if you have lights on your car and a badge with your name on it, if you are speeding down a street and cause a four car accident, you better pay.
Oh and. Why isn't this on the internet yet? I googled pretty much everything I can think of and it's a no show. I know there were news channels there last night because we saw there cameras. Hm.
Permalink: 4_Car_Accident_Elmwood.html
Words: 460
Location: Buffalo, NY
Category: randomo
04/29/09 10:19 - 47ºF - ID#48533
Beer-Ology and the like
So Beer-Ology ended up being a lot of beer and not a lot of ology. There were plenty of different breweries represented and they were serving beer past the 9:00pm deadline, but that was about it. There were a couple of presentations...we went to one and the guy seemed like he knew a lot about WNY and Buffalo old school breweries, but he wasn't the best public speaker, so we left. We did, however, find it quite enjoyable to look at science exhibits and the Egyptian exhibit while slightly intoxicated. Good times. All in all I got to try some new beers (for those of you who like light beers like Blue Moon, might I suggest Saranac's Pomegranate Wheat) and got to see some really interesting people all drinking in a museum. Not too bad.
The sun on Sunday made me so happy that I spent most of the day outside on my porch doing random things like cleaning the fan that has been sitting in out basement all winter, just so i could be outside. I also made friends with my neighbors...one old, one new. It's been so nice to take Ralphie for walks around the neighborhood and just have my porch door open. Sigh. I'm a happy camper. I haven't already marked 4 or 5 different Buffalo events on my newly printed out summer calendar. I'm ready to thoroughly enjoy my last summer in this crazy city. Word.
The sun on Sunday made me so happy that I spent most of the day outside on my porch doing random things like cleaning the fan that has been sitting in out basement all winter, just so i could be outside. I also made friends with my neighbors...one old, one new. It's been so nice to take Ralphie for walks around the neighborhood and just have my porch door open. Sigh. I'm a happy camper. I haven't already marked 4 or 5 different Buffalo events on my newly printed out summer calendar. I'm ready to thoroughly enjoy my last summer in this crazy city. Word.
Permalink: Beer_Ology_and_the_like.html
Words: 240
Location: Buffalo, NY
Category: school
04/09/09 02:22 - 47ºF - ID#48334
Abstract
Ok so as many of you know, I am writing my thesis. I think I have finally come up with a worthy and comprehensive abstract, but I was hoping for some feedback from you all if you are feeling so generous. Not generous in the 'go easy on me" kinda way, but generous as in, honest and sincere feedback. So yeah, here goes....
Chaotic whiteness is a road map, a tool box, offering ways of being that allow for the possibility of re-membering, re-imagining, and un-mastering whiteness in the ongoing projects that make up critical race theory and whiteness studies. By trespassing on the boundaries that have been fabricated in and among various academic disciplines, I will navigate through women's studies, African American studies, literary criticism and various other theoretical paradigms in order to expose and explode the ways in which the fabrication and maintenance of whiteness haunts both black and white bodies. Finally, I will consider the necessities of articulating and performing a whiteness that must not be bound by what whiteness is supposed to be or have access to, while simultaneously taking seriously the ongoing potential for appropriating, commodifying and romanticizing the knowledges, imaginations, memories and interiorities of people of color.
Chaotic whiteness is a road map, a tool box, offering ways of being that allow for the possibility of re-membering, re-imagining, and un-mastering whiteness in the ongoing projects that make up critical race theory and whiteness studies. By trespassing on the boundaries that have been fabricated in and among various academic disciplines, I will navigate through women's studies, African American studies, literary criticism and various other theoretical paradigms in order to expose and explode the ways in which the fabrication and maintenance of whiteness haunts both black and white bodies. Finally, I will consider the necessities of articulating and performing a whiteness that must not be bound by what whiteness is supposed to be or have access to, while simultaneously taking seriously the ongoing potential for appropriating, commodifying and romanticizing the knowledges, imaginations, memories and interiorities of people of color.
Permalink: Abstract.html
Words: 203
Location: Buffalo, NY
04/06/09 09:21 - 31ºF - ID#48310
Bonsaiiii Pics!
So Felly spent
$6 plant
$11 Pottery
$2 garden shears
$5 soil
$24 for a not so bad lookin bonsai
Dwarf Japanese Juniper...aka shrubbery.
The pottery makes a big impact.
$6 plant
$11 Pottery
$2 garden shears
$5 soil
$24 for a not so bad lookin bonsai
Dwarf Japanese Juniper...aka shrubbery.
The pottery makes a big impact.
Permalink: Bonsaiiii_Pics_.html
Words: 41
Location: Buffalo, NY
Category: randomo
03/27/09 09:57 - 38ºF - ID#48213
Random Fun
Felly and I have been looking for a dog for her parents for a while now, mostly via craigslist. The other day we saw an ad for a free mini dachshund and now I have two in my house. Amazingly enough, right now, they are both sleeping and it is pure bliss. However, all of last night and most of this morning (since 8:30am when they woke me up) has been HumpFest 2009 in my living room. Sigh. I am not exactly sure what this is all about...if it is a power struggle or a confusion or simply male bonding. Who knows, but I have never seen red rockets quite like these. It's traumatizing really. Maybe later I will take some photos or video so you too can join in the fun. Tonight Felly is taking the new dog, "Lil Smokey," to her parents house in Lake George, so even though I will be alone tonight, at least I will have a chance to recuperate from HumpFest.
Kids doing crazy things
Animals doing crazy things
Kids doing crazy things
Animals doing crazy things
Permalink: Random_Fun.html
Words: 180
Location: Buffalo, NY
03/25/09 11:24 - 49ºF - ID#48195
Holy Goya! updated
Felly and I finally made it over to Price Rite last night and at this time, I don't think I can make a fair assessment of the place because it was still a mad house there. I can't really function when there are that many folks clammering over turkeys. Felly and I did manage to come out with a 3 dollar turkey and a giant ham, however. Dunno what we are gonna do with them, but they were crazy cheep. I understand now that it is similar to Aldis, which Felly and I frequent for various items, but is terribly far away. I wonder how long it will take for that place to calm down...or will it ever??
Also, I have to say that I have never in my life seen such a giant display of Goya products. All the labels were facing the right direction and the stacks were perfect. I was in awe.
In other news, I am an idiot. I now have a total of 6 weeks to complete my thesis. 6 weeks. I have had almost 4 months and I spent it doing who the hell knows what. Good grief. I am feeling confident about the work that I have already, but the whole putting all together into one thing and then DEFENDING it....jeez louise. Terrifying.
UPDATE
Just got a postcard in the mail about PriceRite from the UFCW
"A PriceRite supermarket is opening in our neighborhood. PriceRite calls itself an 'American Company' and says that the store and its parent company, Wakefern, have a 'commitment to community.' But PriceRite workers aren't so sure....
Workers at PriceRite stores say they've been harassed, threatened and even demoted when they tried to form a union...
Consider shopping Tops instead."
So there is a petition you can sign to allow PriceRite employees to join a union:
and their website
Also, I have to say that I have never in my life seen such a giant display of Goya products. All the labels were facing the right direction and the stacks were perfect. I was in awe.
In other news, I am an idiot. I now have a total of 6 weeks to complete my thesis. 6 weeks. I have had almost 4 months and I spent it doing who the hell knows what. Good grief. I am feeling confident about the work that I have already, but the whole putting all together into one thing and then DEFENDING it....jeez louise. Terrifying.
UPDATE
Just got a postcard in the mail about PriceRite from the UFCW
"A PriceRite supermarket is opening in our neighborhood. PriceRite calls itself an 'American Company' and says that the store and its parent company, Wakefern, have a 'commitment to community.' But PriceRite workers aren't so sure....
Workers at PriceRite stores say they've been harassed, threatened and even demoted when they tried to form a union...
Consider shopping Tops instead."
So there is a petition you can sign to allow PriceRite employees to join a union:
and their website
Permalink: Holy_Goya_updated.html
Words: 325
Location: Buffalo, NY
03/16/09 09:42 - 38ºF - ID#48066
Parade
I was quite surprised by the magnitude of this parade, I must say. I wasn't sure about the whole drinking in the streets thing, so I chose not to buy beer and bring it along with me. Course this later turned into me, (e:felly) and (e:heidi) having to purchase beer at a bar, and then a convenient store, but thats ok. The parade was gynormous and went on for some 3 plus hours I think. So here is some of it.
Why do these people always have to show up?
These dudes were creeptastic.
Please note the massive amounts of bouncing curls. This is also creeptastic.
I love Irish wolfhounds!
Broken down on the incline.
I will spare you the massive amounts of Union pictures.
Weiner Dogs!! Felly and I went home and joined this club!
Haha...we walked right past the police with our beers in hand... fabulous. Later one of (e:heidi)'s friends asked if they were real cops! Hilarious. Apparently they are.
And for those of you missed it, please check out my last post about good ideas for entertaining children that are free or cheap. Donkey!
Why do these people always have to show up?
These dudes were creeptastic.
Please note the massive amounts of bouncing curls. This is also creeptastic.
I love Irish wolfhounds!
Broken down on the incline.
I will spare you the massive amounts of Union pictures.
Weiner Dogs!! Felly and I went home and joined this club!
Haha...we walked right past the police with our beers in hand... fabulous. Later one of (e:heidi)'s friends asked if they were real cops! Hilarious. Apparently they are.
And for those of you missed it, please check out my last post about good ideas for entertaining children that are free or cheap. Donkey!
Permalink: Parade.html
Words: 225
Location: Buffalo, NY
03/15/09 10:39 - 38ºF - ID#48058
Jonas Brothers and...Do you have kids?
I went to see the Jonas Brothers Special Event Concert whatever in 3D yesterday. Holy hell...15 bucks PER PERSON. One for me and one for my TEN YEAR OLD! Are you serious. I kept the glasses. Screw them.
In other news...I am desperately searching for FREE and or CHEAP places to take my kids...ie. places to hike, places to ummm...I dunno.
I am not good at this...I don't have kids. What do you do with them?
Looking particularly in Lackawanna, Hamburg, West Seneca area and Tonawanda. The suggestion box is now open...who knows, yours might be a winner!
Finally, Felly and I will be heading out to the parade today so we are looking forward to seeing folks!
In other news...I am desperately searching for FREE and or CHEAP places to take my kids...ie. places to hike, places to ummm...I dunno.
I am not good at this...I don't have kids. What do you do with them?
Looking particularly in Lackawanna, Hamburg, West Seneca area and Tonawanda. The suggestion box is now open...who knows, yours might be a winner!
Finally, Felly and I will be heading out to the parade today so we are looking forward to seeing folks!
Permalink: Jonas_Brothers_and_Do_you_have_kids_.html
Words: 123
Location: Buffalo, NY
hiking recovery 
Hummus ? 
Nephew's Art 
Spring Feelz 
Hello hello 
moz://a
I don't know about him being gay though, I myself doubt it. I don't think he did anything with the kids. I think that when you don't have a childhood it does all kinds of stuff to you. I also don't think that there is any way of knowing how it messes people up other then to look at child stars who have messed up lives. But see that isn't fair either because fame is also a factor. I really think that MJ was a Kid in His head. I also think that he like many artists have there artistic expression and the person they are really and those are two different people. There was a wrestler named Bill Goldberg and someone asked him how long it took him to get into Chacarter and he said something along the lines of not to long but getting out of Character took hours. There is also something in the wrestlling business that I have heard of where sometimes people start to think that they are the person they are playing in the ring, I've heard this happens with actors sometimes also. It wouldn't suprise me if some of this was happening with MJ.
In terms of being a Genious I think you are onto something there. I think that Most real Geniouses see the world from a different perspective or there mind works differently, that is why they are often social out casts, that could also be a possible tie in to Idiot Sevents.
To the common man on Indian streets, MJ is known simply as the phenomenal popstar and an awesome dancer who came to India and won everyone's hearts. It's not that surprising if you look at it the way an Indian does. To us, bollywood is the pinnacle of the entertainment industry and without an exception, not a single Indian is surprised at the weirdest news that comes out of bollywood (at least that is my perception). I wonder if this is because we have all accepted that bollywood stars (or the whole entertainment industry for that matter) is not really an average on-the-street entity so its expected to be abnormal. We are often surprised to hear about the normal lives of bollywood luminiaries (what? no affairs?)
Maybe that is why MJ is seen as a "flawless" entertainer at home.