So I might be a little drunky and a little buzzed, and it's a LOT past-my-bedtime since I need to be at work in like 4 hours, and I will probably regret this post in the AM and delete it, but what the fuck, this is 'my journal', right?

So (e:jason)'s post tonight (sorry, you'll have to look it up, I'm incapable of figuring out the link right now) plus some chat plus long talks with friends, have sent me through the gamut of emotions. Starting with 'poor jason'. That raw emotion just breaks my heart. It sucks, it hurts, I can feel it, and I wish I could help, but I fear only time can cure a broken heart. There are tons of people here for you bro. But YOU have to make the decision to actively try to feel better, then open your eyes and let them in... You're only alone if you let yourself be, and we can't help you unless you let us. Then talk turned to 'boys are confusing' 'no girls are confusing' 'men suck' 'no, women suck' etc etc. And then thoughts turned to sad and lonely and 'why doesn't anyone ever like me' depressing kind of shit. So yeah, thanks for that Jason! ;) I start out feeling bad for you and wanting to cheer you up, but I end up all depressed and sad, and needing cheering up myself (so what do I do? I drink beer. Strong work!)

But anyway, it got me thinking of the age-old topic. Yes, I know women can be hard to understand. I like to think that I, personally, am pretty much an open book. Perhaps to my detriment. I am super trusting, and loyal to a fault. And I can be totally gullible and naive when it comes to guys. Like, I actually think 'yeah I'll call you' actually MEANS 'i'll call you.' Silly me... Sure, sometimes it does mean that, but more often it means 'no way in hell will i call you, but I'm "afraid of hurting you" so I won't just tell you no- I'll lead you on for a while, and make it even worse."

And that is what I'm talking about... Guys like to claim that they are so easy to read and so straightforward- but that's so not true.... You play games with the best of 'em. I think the most common being the one above. I would SOOOOOOO much rather be hurt by the honest truth now, than deceived with lies and more hurt later... The "i think you're cool, but I just don't feel it" is so much better.... Yeah sure, no one wants to have to tell someone that. But they "yeah yeah we'll hang out next week" and then coming up with some excuse at the last second... that is so chicken-shit, and SO much worse.

Haha, I'm not really as bitter as this sounds.... I'm just sick of trying to interpret boys and their actions and non-actions.

[edited for content- personal details of current mini-semi-quasi-crush situation deleted. Gist of story- I'm not sure where things stand.]

So my rational side thinks it's probably a no, take the hint, move on.... But my emotional side can make so many excuses... didn't get the message, lost my number, etc etc etc. So I think 'ok, that's it. I've made my move. I'll just play it cool. See what happens, take no further action"

But I hate that. That even has the word 'play' in it and I am so not about "playing" any sort of BS games with people... I mean c'mon, we're adults here. Why can't we talk maturely about emotions? 'hey, you're cool. I think maybe I could like you." "awesome, i think you're cool too- let's hang out!" Or "yeah I'm just not feeling it, but thanks!"

That sort of honest communication could spare SO much heartache.... I try to be straightforward, and I just don't bet it back...
Such a bummer...
Yeah I could stand to lose a few pounds... But all in all, I'm a sane, down-to-earth, smart, funny, reasonably attractive chick. With a decent job and a decent head on my shoulders. I've got my shit together. I don't "need" a boy. But I'm always down with making new friends. And if something comes if it- great! And if it doesn't- that's fine too. No harm no foul. Never hurts to meet new people... I would do anything for my friends/family, without thinking twice. Just because I like to do things for people. I won't blow smoke up your ass, and all I want is for you do the same...

So why does that always backfire on me?
Guys claim they don't play games, they say they want a girl who doesn't. I don't, and it freaks people out. At least, something freaks 'em out. Maybe "straightforward" comes across as desperate? Which I'm so not...

Bah... it's past my bedtime. I'm not looking for you all to tell me how great I am, and stroke my ego. I *know* I'm a cool fuckin chick. ;)
I'm just venting my confusion, and wondering if anyone out there feels the same...

Ok. Thanks for listening. 'Night peeps.

-J

What the fuck is up with this town? Cancelling school for WIND? That is about the pussiest thing I have ever heard.

Work sucked today. Seems to happen on full moons... So I had to stay late, and miss tubing. But maybe it's a blessing in disguise... maybe I can finally take down my tree and get some sleep. (must say, I was relieved to see a tree on the curb this morning- at least I am not the only one!) Though what will probably actually happen is I will have a beer(s) and watch tv and still stay up too late.
I don't sleep enough. And I LOVE sleeping. But I hate missing out on things.
I have been known to answer the phone when sound asleep in bed, and then put on clothes and go out b/c a friend doesn't want to stay home, etc. I.e. my arm is very easy to twist. So every night I think "ok, staying in, nice quiet night, get some shit done, go to bed early" I end up getting a call and going out. See a movie, throw some darts, drink some beers, eat dinner, pull uninvited stop-by's at people's houses...
But it's worth it. Friends are cooler than sleep. :)

But on that note, I think I will go reheat some leftovers and watch Lost from the other day.

Have a good weekend kids!

-J

not to be a 'bitter-single-on-v-day-girl', but...

I thought I was over him...
Then saw him in the "who's checked me out" section on Friendster, and it made my heart skip a beat.
Damn you ex boyfriend!
I worked hard to get you out of my head, now stay out!

Bleh...

At least I have cupcakes. :)

So, since it's looking like my chances at food+drinks+sex for v-day are slim to none, I'm thinking the next best thing is food+drinks+friends. So I just wanted to send a little message to gauge interest in some sort of hanging-out-time tues night... Wine and cheese, popcorn and a DVD, whatever. Maybe even a pillowfight for (e:ajay). Not a 'bitter single girls bitch-session' thing- just quality time with cool peeps. I may be able to offer my place, depending on numbers... I won't get off til 6 or 7 (get off WORK that is, you cheeky monkeys)- but after that will be free.

Any takers?

-J

Grr, this is a redo after crashing, but here goes...

So last night we had a Girls' Night Out in honor of Yvonne/imk2 (who, for those of you who don't know her, is a knockout, and a Cool Chick. Fuck that ex! He's a loser and an idiot for letting her go). In attendence were (e:imk2), (e:ladycroft), (e:theecarey), (e:me), and non-(e:) Jen, Miranda, Julie, and Lynne. We went to Voelker's, which is a weird semi-seedy place. There is a bar up front, where it is very complicated to pay for your food, which the bartender orders over the phone. It is also non-smoking, except that you can smoke if you pay a dollar towards the fine. (I wonder if that's how the Pink gets around the rules too...) We were just about the only girls there, and apparently we were being leered at, though I am always oblivious, and was too busy eating my (bad) fries to notice. But we did come up with some story about this being our last night out before leaving for the convent, in an attempt to fend off one especially persistent little guy. Though I think the amount of collective cleavage showing tipped him off. But so then we moved to the actual lanes, where I was reminded of just how badly I suck at bowling. But I'm ok with that. We bowled, with varying degrees of success, drank beer, and garnered some gawks as we posed for pix.
Then it was off to OPM lounge, where we did NOT find PMT. But the beats were kickin' so we shook our rumps for a while...

And without further ado, the pictorial evidence:


(hot!)


Jen, who does a cute little "go that way go that way!" dance.


"ONE! One lousy pin?! But I have mad skillz! Damn you bowling gods!!"


Nice jugs, ladies.


Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!


(How could I resist?)


How come everyone else can make a good "off to the convent" angelic smile, and all I can muster is that stupid face? bleh!


less angelic?


Yes, that is the shocker in Carey's crotch.


That guy was not the intended subject of my pic. But look how happy he is!


Looking pretty for the camera one last time, before getting hauled off in the squad car behind us.


Smokin' hot. Literally.

So I had lunch with one of my kick-ass med students today. He's such a nice guy... And helpful... I wish all students could be this good. And his english is fantastic, but he's not american, so once in a while we confuse him.

But anyway so later we were in the ER and this girl was telling someone about how her boyfriend broke up with her b/c he 'fell for her too fast and didn't want a relationship'. Then gave her a ring and dumped her. Huh? Not sure I buy it. But anyway, so then she yelled at Michal, going 'hey you! What's wrong with guys? will you explain it to me? Why are they all assholes!' Poor guy was a little bewildered... like 'i'm not an asshole... don't ask me to speak for everyone!'

Then she started talking, overly loudly, to someone about how 'I just took the bandage off, even though it's only been an hour since it was done and they said to leave it on, do you think it's ok?' she obviously has a new tattoo and wants everyone to know. I wasn't biting. But Michal, good little med student, was like 'bandage? are you ok?' and she goes "yeah.... I just got a tattoo!" and since she was staring at me, i asked disinterestedly, "oh... what did you get?" and she said 'gizmo' and I said "like the gremlin?" and she got all snotty, and said "no... gizmo the dragon. Of course the gremlin! what other gizmos are there?" Oh... excuse me. Just that that movie is from what, 1983? Not exactly a current fad. Don't get me wrong. I think cool tattoos can look awesome. But I do not think flash/cartoon tattoos are cool tattoos.

God, am I a total bitch or what? Sorry for the rant...

as far as V-day- must say I agree with Josh on this one. Dinner+drinks+sex=all I could want. Better yet if it's with someone I dig. Not so into the one-night random thing, just for the sake of booty.

and I leave you with some jokes, courtesy of Laffy Taffy (my dinner)-
What is the best way to keep water from running?
Don't pay the bill.
(Hilarious!)

What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday- the rest are weekdays! (ha, I actually thought that one was cute.)

-Jenks

P.S. Who the fuck is Nicholas Picholas? Is he like some Buffalo celebrity I should be aware of? There are signs all over the hospital for "LIVE! From the Fisher Price playroom! Janet Snyder and Nicholas Picholas!" (for the 98.5 kids' kare-a-thon or something like that.)
I dunno about you peeps, but if my last name were Picholas, I would not name my kid Nicholas. And if my name was Joe Smith and I was trying to think of a cool name to use on the air, I don't think I would choose Nicholas Picholas. But that's just me...

Ok, I have too many pix to put into a post, so you'll have to check out a link.
(This is the first time I've used this new web-publishing program- must say I think the slideshow is kinda slick!)

Enjoy!



Ok, and here's something else I haven't tried, so let me know if it works.
I have the pix "photocasted" from iPhoto. Which means any mac people can 'subscribe' to the folder and access all the original, full-size photos (the catch is that you need the new version of iphoto). Supposedly windows peeps can too, as long as you have a browser that can do RSS. I'd be curious to know if it works for you. the login and password are both estrip. Here's the link....

Hmm, I thought I mobl-posted a pic of timika sitting on the floor in the bar last night, but it appears it didn't come through. Probably for the better...

So last night I headed over to coles -> goodbar with (e:ladycroft) for Josh's Pity Party. I was so looking forward to a good night out, meeting some new people... And (e:metalpeter), I'm sorry we missed you. You must have left just a minute before we got there. I feel bad! Sorry! But goodbar was still a pretty good time. Cheap pitchers of beer, and a decent jukebox. I met (e:kangarooboi), who is a sweetie. And (e:decoyisryan) was there too. And (e:theecarey) and (e:pyrcedgrrl). And I finally met the illustrious (e:PMT)! Paul and Matthew, you look just like your pix. Terry, you do not at all. At least the ones I've seen. But it was great to meet you all. And (e:josh) and jerry showed up later. (and (e:jason) you were missed.) And then suddenly I hit the wall. Not sure if it was drinking a lot of cheap beer quickly when I haven't drank at all in a while, or the fact that I have slept 0-4 hrs/night every night for at least the last two weeks, or most likely a combo of the two, but I suddenly was sooooooo drunk/tired, that I spent a good portion of the night like this:




Lovely.

I am pretty mortified to have been the drunk chick passed out on the couch. Yikes. I promise I have never done that before. I guess I'm just lucky I didn't wake up with a Sharpie mustache or something. Still not sure what sort of pictures may have been taken. So I am writing this to apologize to all you peeps for being a lamo. After haranguing josh/jason nonstop to come out, josh shows up and I promptly pass out. Sorry josh, I would have liked to chat more.
So after my little "nap", I woke up and felt much better. So I semi-rallied a little bit, then came home and slept the sleep of the dead til noon. Feeling OK now, not TOO hungover, which is a victory for me.

Now to get ready for the anti-superbowl...

I need to photoshop the rest of my/timika's pix, but I will put them up in a bit.

So this adorable girl, excuse me woman, that I work with is like 7mo pregnant. And she's complaining about feeling fat and clothes not fitting etc. (but she has the cutest little maternity outfits! she looks awesome!) And she said that she watched some VH1 countdown or something, of the top 100 fashion don'ts, and number one was (drum roll)- visible panty lines. And she's so distraught by it. And I just thought-
Huh?
Apparently that is a worse sin than a mullet, or sandals and socks. Or hammer pants. Or gold teeth. Apparently it's worse than EVERYTHING. I'm dumbfounded.
What do you guys think?
Personally, I don't really get the big deal.
So you can tell I'm wearing underwear. Big fucking deal! I would hope I'm wearing underwear... i mean i understand not wearing painted-on-tight pants if you have a cottage-cheese ass, but that's just common decency. Some people love 'em, but I think thongs are uncomfortable. And I heard someone describe them as a 'germ escalator' once... tracking the germs from your ass to the nether regions. Not good. (sorry, that was gross.) Hmm, maybe that can be my research project... do women who wear thongs have a higher rate of UTIs.
But, since I am told that they are "sexy" and that it's "bad" to be able to see my underwear, I do suffer the old ass-floss once in a while.

and that got me thinking of clothes and fashion...
God, my kids are going to hate me. I don't know how I got to be such an old fart, but I am so super-conservative when it comes to a lot of kids' stuff. I do not think babies should have their ears pierced. I do not think little girls should wear bikinis. (it's so dumb! they have nothing to hold them in place! half the time they spin around and their nips are hanging out anyway! when my sis and i were little, we just wore bottoms and no tops.) I do not think babies should wear shoes- until they know how to walk. They're unnecessary, and bad for your feet. They may look cute, but microscopic air jordans and timberland boots are so dumb... My kids are going to be in 100% cotton, cute little clothes. onesies. oshkosh. Dressed like babies, not little hookers. My daughters are not going to wear belly shirts and platform shoes; i don't care if 'everyone else is'. Haha, my mom is probably lucky we were such dorks and let her dress us for so long...

And then THAT got me thinking about kids in general...
I am almost 30. I guess I could raise a kid. But I don't really feel super-prepared. I mean I want kids, someday, but now is not the right time. And then I realized- if I, who have an education and a stable job and a supportive social network etc, (and there would of course be a husband in the picture too if I was thinking kids) do not feel totally 'qualified' to raise a baby, then who the hell is? The CHOB is really getting to me... 14 year olds with gonorrhea... 16 year olds who come in with abdominal pain- only to find out they're pregnant... i have a baby now who was born in a bathroom stall in the ER. Mom was having pain, had no idea she was even pregnant, let along in fucking LABOR, so she went to the ER, and thought she'd feel better if she just went to the bathroom- and had a baby! She's 19. I swear! this is not on tv! Once i had a kid whose mom was just sick of being pregnant, and she'd heard that crack can induce labor. so she smoked some. and indeed, went into labor. much too early. and the baby is a disaster. not quite brain-dead, but 'neurologically devastated' as we put it. And we have so many sick sick babies now who are practically neglected... their moms never come to visit (and dads are not in the picture, of course) we call the moms day after day... ask them to come visit... to come learn how to feed their kids... and they don't. If they DO come in (when we threaten CPS), they don't hold them, don't bond with them... it's terrible. I think they just sort of want to leave them in the hospital and not come back. But then they do come back, because they realize they can get more in their welfare check if they have a kid. It's so horrible. I used to joke about it, but now I'm seriously starting to think people should have to pay a fee or pass some kind of test or something to be able to reproduce. Oh go ahead and flame away, but seriously. You need a license to get married, why not to bring another life into the world??

Ok I will stop before I get all worked up...

Time for a nap.
Work was hell last night.

Hope to see some of you peeps out tonight!

A

So this morning I got to work and went up to our call room... and there were 3 guys there, my co-residents and one of the med students. As I walk in, the student has his pants off in the hall, changing into scrubs. I immediately step back and shut the door but he says it's ok, to come back (because I kind of did have to get in to get stuff for work). So then two minutes later, one of the other guys drops trou... (this happens to be work crush #2, too, so I don't really mind looking.) I didn't know if I should leave or what... I mean there was a bathroom like 2 feet away that he could have gone to, so I guess he didn't care. But seeing a guy in boxers and an undershirt is not that scandalous, and is not the same as if i stripped down to bra and skivvies in front of them. I kicked them all out when I changed. I think maybe they were hoping I'd follow their lead, but I'm not quite ready for that...

So then later we're in the OR... And there are a bunch of people there. The attending, the fellow (both guys), me, the scrub tech, a couple other nurses, anesthesia x2, etc etc. And then some (cute, young) girl comes in, and she's chatting away, and then says to the boss (who is a huge, bald, (married), POMPOUS guy who wears a fucking UnderArmour cap in the OR, apparently he is too good for the blue paper ones)- "OMG Dr __ I loove underarmour! that's so cool!" then she went on about how underarmour has gone public, and they have a lingerie line now. I said "underarmour makes lingerie?" and she said "yeah, bras, and not just like sports bras! and underwear! my friend has some yada yada yada" then she giggles and leaves. And dr __ makes some crack about how is supposed to get that image out of his head or something.

then we work away for a while. in a bit she comes back b/c she needs a key, and she asks where it is, and dr __ says he has it. And she asks where, and he fucking SHAKES HIS ASS at her. So she laughs nervously and approaches him from the back to get the key. Mind you, we are all scrubbed, which means wearing sterile gowns and gloves and all that. We cannot touch anything unsterile. So she has to reach up under his gown to find the key. And she has to fumble around and ask which pocket. Dr __ was in heaven. he was rolling his eyes... after she left he kind of shook his head, pretending to be all flustered... Gross.

Surgery is known for being quite the Old Boys Club, and surgeons are notorious for being assholes. So I am used to being patronized and belittled. And I'm fine with all the jokes etc, but this was kind of gross. Maybe it's just b/c i think he's so gross.

bleh, left an icky taste in my mouth.

And speaking of yucky taste. I am feeling the twinges of a sore throat.
You've got to be kidding me. If I get sick AGAIN, I will scream. I have never ever ever in my life been sick this much! I'm barely over the last one... Maybe my body is trying to tell me that 3-4 hr sleep per night is not cutting it.
So I'm dosing up on advil and cold-eeze and hoping it's gone in the AM.