"Michael Bay presents: Raising McCain" written by James on estrip.org

07/24/08 10:14 - 66ºF - ID#45119

Michael Bay presents: Raising McCain

Have you seen the new John McCain promo poster?

The lighting, that overly-poised face, the jets, the cheesy tag line. It reminds me of something.

And then it hits me. John McCain is the Michael Bay candidate. Can't you just see it. Ben Affleck plays young John McCain. He is looking at the engine of his fighter jet. Meagan Fox playing John's fellow fighter pilot, Cindy, walks over and does the same to her jet. She speaks like she is doing porn about how great peace and freedom are, but they aren't free ya know. SUDDENLY the alarms blair, Jets scramble!

High above the jungles of Vietnam our two Americans bravely battle the Viet-Cong air force. John and Cindy keep trying to out do each other, shooting down enemy one for one. Then, a missile is launched at Cindy! She can't shake it, we see an explosion in the air, a big Michael Bay explosion. When the smoke and fire clears we see Cindy still flying. But, crashing towards the ground is John's plane. The hot shot John took the missile to save her. The drama!

(Three months later) A sinister looking Vietnamese man walks into a cell made of bamboo. John McCain is sitting there, bloodied but with the same confident look on his face, his hands tied behind a chair. "you will never get me to talk!" spits McCain. "We don't expect you to talk Mr.McCain. We expect you to scream". John breaks the man's neck with his legs. Then, a more officious looking vietcong walks in. "You may be commander of these people, but America is going to get you some day." Just then, the commander takes off a mask. He isn't Vietnamese. No, it is Osama Bin Laden!

It will be great.

Permalink: Michael_Bay_presents_Raising_McCain.html
Words: 301
Location: Buffalo, NY

07/21/08 09:39 - 73ºF - ID#45096

Greased Pole Festival

Oh the exotic places I have been.

Yesterday I had to go to the Greased Pole festival at the Olivencia center on Swan. It was so freakin crazy. For those not familiar with it, as I was, it goes like this: you take a telephone pole, staple a six pack to the top, and grease the whole thing. Next you have teams of people climb on top of each other in an attempt to reach the top and win prizes. The people though are only partially clothed. A pail of shorts and a shirt pulled over the neck with the arms still in, giving something to grab on to as the next guy climbs up.

A pile of greased up guys with no cloths on, and the homoeroticism is just getting started.

One grip is the shirt, but before that you pull on the shorts. Then you use the shorts as a foot hold. Add several tons of crisco and the shorts were just slipping off. There were so many asses it looked more like Marchelas.

The South Park team won easily. But saddest of the five teams was Rochester (when said in Spanish sounds like Rach-Chet-Tar). They came all the way to Buffalo to barely get two guys up. South Park needed six guys standing on top of each other's shoulders to win. Too bad RachChetTar. Come back again next year and give it your all.

Permalink: Greased_Pole_Festival.html
Words: 237
Location: Buffalo, NY

07/17/08 06:22 - 81ºF - ID#45053

The Gay Guy

Howdy,

One of the great things about being the gay guy on the campaign is that everything gay gets put on my lap. And please, do take that sentence out of context. Today, I met with a bunch of members of the GLBT political community and talked about what we can do to get our guy elected. It was a lot of fun.

So today I arranged two fundraisers in Gay bars this August. It will be super fun. I am trying to get one to do an open bar. ANd open bar = crazy balls out fun. That is the sort of fun that politics often lacks. Oh sure, I got all happy looking at the new Nevada poll. But that is nothing like an open bar. When everything is finalized I will get you guys information and some passes if needed.

love love

-James

Permalink: The_Gay_Guy.html
Words: 145
Location: Buffalo, NY

06/28/08 10:42 - 71ºF - ID#44814

Thank you Stephen Colbert

Permalink: Thank_you_Stephen_Colbert.html
Words: 8
Location: Buffalo, NY

Category: poetry

06/26/08 11:22 - 73ºF - ID#44796

Terrible Poem

Hi,

I was talkiing to (e:TinyPliny) in the chat yesterday and I mentioned that I once wrote a terrible, terrible poem. Years later I put into an online translator, Babel Fish. I translated it from English to French to Spanish to a dozen other languages and then retraced my steps translating it in the opposite order back to English. When I got it back it was lovely nonsense. So, here is my nonsense.

Throw manner hide themselves
I in the town
ways which in the bucket kitchen
the will Ing of migration is
that I and the time find you?

How does the water of bath run far
the way is
and flesh is boneses
which these boneses
wandering and these boneses

find you cold my flesh in the angle air? ,

Or does run away the bucket hide
Smoldering that continues put roofs of roof,
there in the panels of floors or perhaps,
will want you,

find only this part
ventilates the part that I
I far hid throw in mount and
in wandering in the sky the will
that you zoekt here after me?

Since you take the bladen to doré
air melt red and flesh these taters
fall and these boneses are gold
where turn I these find?

Have a spirit under your bladen
of bed of fragrance which is
remaining with the taste of the
wasgott on your lips or a white breath

perhaps swims in air,
one has expired,
I remain memory,
in the part contain thrown far

tinypliny writes at 03:21:52 06/27/08 - Comment #36543: Yeah, my choreography would fit like a glove on (e:zobar)'s version. (don't forget the bit waitress part - maybe I can pour acid over unruly patrons or the choir who wants to find something. I could say, "HERE YOU GO SUCKERS. You just found acid.))
-j

lauren writes at 11:29:49 06/27/08 - Comment #36538: mmmm taters.

metalpeter writes at 10:20:06 06/27/08 - Comment #36533: Hi James It was nice to run into you the other day it was kinda a surprise, hope things are still good on the political front. Secondly it would be cool to put up the really bad poem so we could compare them.

james writes at 10:06:59 06/27/08 - Comment #36529: Tiny: Can you do the choreography for our soap musical extravaganza?

Zobar: now I understand why black metal lyrics never make any sense.

tinypliny writes at 09:16:10 06/27/08 - Comment #36525: I love your version!!! I am all about inflatable demons...
But where is the bit waitress part???

zobar writes at 09:09:10 06/27/08 - Comment #36524: You've just got to read it right. I prefer the key of 'progressive Teutonic elf-metal' with just a touch of 'Andrew Lloyd Weber:'

AIR MELT RED AND FLESH THESE TATERS.
[and the guitar goes:] JOW JOW JOW JOW
FALL [FALL!] AND THESE BONESES ARE GOLD!
[JOW JOW JOW JOW]
[and then the choir goes:] Where turn I these find?
[JOW JOW JOW! â€¦ JOW JOW JOW!]
[and the drummer goes BLAP BLADDLE BLADDLE BLADDLE BLAP BLADDLE BLADDLE BLADDLE on the double bass drum]
[cue the flash pots as the inflatable demon descends upon the stage]

- Z

tinypliny writes at 11:49:09 06/26/08 - Comment #36521: That is superlative! Does it translate to:

Part I: The Flesh

Taking bath in a clawed bathtub,
I saw acid come out the faucet.

Limply stared as my body melted
I flowed down into the panels.

The eyes floated in the wreck of my soul
I gazed up at the roof.

Static, my bones remained
I felt them and they were made of GOLD!

Part II: The spirit

My greed got the better of me
I wanted them, oh how I wanted them!

I died but my spirit remained to watch
As my bones glowed, bright and yellow

The delicious poisoned wine that I drank
The taste remained as my lips grew cold

I swim in air but my memories are below
They anchor me even as I drift far beyond.
--------------

You have an epic in your hands... If you combine this with (e:mike)'s soap opera (and give me the bit part of the snarky waitress) we have a broadway hit on our hands. THIS COULD BE PHENOMENAL!!!!

Permalink: Terrible_Poem.html
Words: 253
Location: Buffalo, NY

06/24/08 08:09 - 67ºF - ID#44775

Who wants a job!

Howdy,

If you know anyone that wants a job making a living wage for a couple months have them email me. The job would be talking to people about issues and political candidates. Qualifications are you must be 18 or over, able to walk, and good talking with people. We do all training so no experience is necessary.

-James

Permalink: Who_wants_a_job_.html
Words: 58
Location: Buffalo, NY

06/21/08 02:08 - 73ºF - ID#44741

My Beloved Peeps

Hi,

I missed the last party and I don't blog as much as I used to. I miss my epeeps.

Here is a picture of a boxer and a goat.

Permalink: My_Beloved_Peeps.html
Words: 32
Location: Buffalo, NY

06/15/08 08:38 - 72ºF - ID#44659

Brandy Cherries

Yum Yum,

I have cherries soaking in brandy in my fridge. Hope they are ready in time for the next party, because we will all be cherry soaked messes then.

love,

-James

Permalink: Brandy_Cherries.html
Words: 32
Location: Buffalo, NY

06/14/08 01:56 - 70ºF - ID#44648

Just for you Paul

Toirtose attacks kitties.

adorable ensues.

Permalink: Just_for_you_Paul.html
Words: 13
Location: Buffalo, NY

06/11/08 03:01 - 74ºF - ID#44618

best/worst self-description

The Iraq war will no doubt go down as one of the great blunders of the American empire as it stumbles into history. Of all the scandals, the millions in misappropriated funds, the stockpiles of missing arms, the failure to establish an Iraqi police and military force, the propping up of an ineffective and lazy parliament, Blackwater, a lack of transparency with contractors, the invasion itself... this one is my favorite.

Owen Cragol, formally President of Northern Arizona University, was hired as chancellor of the American University in Iraq. The position is a significant one. AUI would help transform the intellectual life in the Middle East. It would expand American intellectual influence into a country not particularly friendly to the US.

But a simple google search shows just how poor choice Cragol is to head the AUI. In 2001 Cragol resigned from NAU after a scandal. In a locker room, Cragol grabbed the genitals of a fellow faculty member. After charges of sexual harassment Cragol sent out an email to all staff in which he described himself as "a rub-your-belly, grab-your-balls, give-you-a-hug, slap-your-back, pull-your-dick, squeeze-your-hand, cheek-your-face, and pat-your-thigh kind of guy."

Now, that is worth a belly laugh. But to get a little perspective on the issue, you can read this article.