I suppose that this entry is kind of in conjunction with my last because lately I have been thinking a lot about self-discipline and the ability to regularly make the choices that make you proud of your actions at the end of the day.

Why is it that we find it so difficult not to engage in activities that provide immediate pleasure, i.e. eating, drinking, etc or on the other hand motivate ourself to do the things that make us feel healthy and good, i.e. exercise?

I suppose this is something that I have always had quite an interest in and think that I really quite enjoy exercising control over my actions so that I regularly just do those things that you always wish you had the motivation to force yourself to do (or not).

I have to say that lately I've really been quite good at controlling myself but find it really intriguing why we have such difficulty with this as humans? I mean, I think we all go through phases where its easier or harder to exercise this restraint and control.

This past weekend I managed to go to a bar on both Friday and Saturday without having a single drink! I can't remember the last time I did that and it felt so good and inspiring! That is probably also a really sad/pathetic statement!

Everyone certainly has their vice(s) and we judge others for their inability to engage or disengage in whatever behavior. Although different behaviors create varying degrees of negative consequences, I see our struggles as all the same when it comes to struggling against ourself - that feeling of temptation is universal regardless of the consequences. Even if the stakes are high, that doesn't necessarily mean that the feeling of temptation becomes easier to resolve within yourself, which can be really unfortunate!

PS. My writing is quite jumbled but I hope the point is understandable.

I don't think that I always make up New Year's Resolutions and sometimes when I make them up, I actually follow through. Like the one year I decided that I would go to bed earlier so that I would regularly get enough sleep - I am still doing that! I am trying to remember other Resolutions but that is the only one that comes to mind. I guess its good that I think I have such an awesome track record, that should be helpful for this year's endeavors...

So this year is going to be a general one - ]"Self Discipline". I suppose that really covers all Resolutions, now doesn't it? We want that little voice in our head that tells us what we really should be doing to get bigger and louder. Or perhaps that's just the crazy voices that I hear? - haha!

I have to say that I am fairly good in the exercise department as I mostly walk/run to work when I can (usually approximately 40 miles per week) but am not going to be hard on myself as the snow in Edinburgh has been unreal, nothing like they've seen in 40+ yrs. It doesn't look like that is clearing up anytime soon but when it does, I'll be back motivated cause I really love running/walking; most of the time it really beats public transportation.

So the Part I is really eating! I think that I eat fairly healthy but need to get better about my portions at dinner and not overeating on a Sunday night but rather starting the week out right and wake up feeling skinny on a Monday.

Part II - Drinking! This has somehow become an essential part of my weekends, I suppose that's a natural danger of living in Scotland when EVERYONE drinks and its difficult to find other activities outside of the house at night time. And spend more weekends in reading and perhaps learning to play the guitar? I would like to drink less and especially in moderation with less binging. Maybe binging every six weeks? As opposed to weekly. Gosh, that is terrible!

Part III - Toning! I want to get toned up, just a bit. I want to lift weights twice a week. Nothing serious, I just don't want to have pussycat arms anymore.

Part IV - Activities! I want to take part in a few more activites, i.e. meditation and/or hill walking with the local club. Build my vocabulary, etc.


I suppose the list really could just go on and on. If I can just become more disciplined and spend less time nursing hangovers while overeating/watching TV and feeling fit over the next year I think I'd be satisfied :-)

So I don't know why I don't change my attitude towards my birthday?

I mean every year I think its going to be something huge, and even this year I decided I wasn't going to make it something big and its still disappointing. I always feel guilty not inviting someone (or I just really want to invite someone) and that leads to three other invitations and then none of those people show up!

I think that I just need to decide to be really exclusive so I don't have to feel ditched!?! Or maybe I should just celebrate in February when there is nothing to do and life is dull so people are more motivated to hang out with me???

Any suggestions???

So the other day I was talking to my mom and she put me on call waiting while she talked to her sister. She came back and said that she agreed to go out with her sisters although didn't really feel like it. She decided to go out because she saw "Yes Man" and found truth in the idea that if you said 'yes' to everything that you would be less depressed.

I guess my mom is generally a depressive type person but I would say that is because she is constantly empathetic with the negative side of human existence.

It has really stuck with me that this movie has been so influential in my mom's life - I mean if such a movie could do this for her, could you imagine if she just surrounded herself with positive things?

Who would think that such a crap movie (though I never saw the whole thing) could be so positive?

So I got a job with Energy Saving Trust and I really couldn't be happier except if it was closer to my home. For you Buffalonians this won't seem far, but its 5.5 miles from my home. In real terms this means 1.5 hr walk, 1 hr run, 1 hr on a bus or 45 minutes if Hamish picks me up.

Also, 9-5:30 is quite long and ends up about a 12 hr day :-(

Everyone is so extremely nice! This is the first that I have found so many people in one place that seem so normal and nice!

Right now I am doing a lot of basic adminy work but eventually I will be able to approve or reject applications for loans and grants which is funded by the government (although this is a non-for-profit organisation). It is nice to have a job that I believe in and that I am helping to make the world a bit greener. Granted anyone could do my job and its not the skills that I bring but rather that I get to be a part of something positive for the environment which is something that has always meant a lot to me.

Not to dismiss my last entry...because I definitely still plan on becoming a teacher but this is happy times while I wait to be able to return back to school.

There was a work night out on Friday and I unfortunatley got too drunk, I don't know why I always do that with new work people. I feel that some of the highlights included this guy who called my boss a minion (which my boss is totally cool and told me on my first day that its totally cool if I am late and is also letting me get paid for not working this Friday despite that fact that we are to be "working from home" as my office is moving down a floor). So yea, this guy was talking crap about my boss and saying how when he worked in London this chick was really mean to him because he had turned her down for sex - some how I do question this.

I also got in a bit of a funny tiff with one of the manager's at my work, not one of mine - just a head of another department. He is just as new as me. He kept making fun of my height and I kept calling him a horrible wingman because I thought he pointed out how much the other guy liked this girl but then it turns out it wasn't the girl that I thought he was talking about and then I think I almost gave the other guy away after claiming myself to be the best wingman. Not sure if that makes sense at all?

I also think that I might have creeped out a couple of the girls in the office that I really like by going on about how nice and awesome they are. Yes, perhaps coming on a little strong for my first week of work. Oh well, I always seem to battle my weirdness/awkwardness. Perhaps eventually they will find it charming, that is really the only hope I have :-)

I also got gossip about when I interviewed which is always good info to know what people thought of you upon first impressions!

I did actually make a couple of friends as well!

So overall I am really happy with my new place but hope that I am less drunk next time. Round two is this Thursday! TBC...

TEACHER

For the past year I have really been searching to try and figure out what it is that I want to do. Something that is feasible and going to leave me employed.

As of several days ago I decided that I am just going to go for it and become a teacher for many many reasons:-

1. The glam, the glory. I really want something that I am proud to say that I am and I feel like no matter what you can be happy to declare that profession.

2. The perks . Holidays - You get so much time off that I would be able to see my family lots and get home. Good pension and benefits, for looking toward the future.

3. Breaking up the grind. You always have something to look forward to and work towards. I miss that feeling of being in school where you were always looking forward to the next thing whether it was Christmas vacation or the excitement of starting a new school year and how new everything seems again - each class would be like that, though some you would be glad to leave behind.

4. Getting there. It would only be one more year of schooling and then I would be certified. Though I have to get some experience under my belt in the next year.

5. Job Outlook. I think that Scotland might have a better job outlook than Buffalo for teaching, but not entirely sure that is true. But it is pretty fair to count on the fact that eventually I would land a job in teaching.

6. History of Desire. When I was little I bought all the teaching essential for my pretend class including greaseboard, pointer and TONS of workbooks. When I graduated from University I wanted to become a professor and would have endured research just to be able to teach. I have always had an interest in doing this, its just coming back around once again.


I have kind of been feeling that I just need to choose something and go with it instead of becoming stagnant and totally losing the will to participate in life. I barely cared what I would decide to do, so long as I chose something and stuck with it! This is something I feel that I would always be interested in and feel confident enough to go and run with it.

I feel that its time to start actually building something rather than temp jobs from here to there. Even if I lose my great enthusiam, I still think that I should push through and just do it because there are so many reasons to . No more mind changing, this is my FINAL ANSWER!

:-)

So unemployed once again which is kind of fun, at least at the moment. After about a week and a half, not so fun anymore - I am anticipating - this was Day 1.

Anyway, this all led to signing up with more temp agents. I met with this lady who seemed kind of eccentric and more cut out for acting or being up in front of people performing in some way. She was telling me about how she was in the pharmacy the other day and apparently it was the time of the month when the 'poor' people (neds aka. 'wigger' might be the closest word??) come to get their prescriptions. The pharmacy techs were apparently being so mean to these people and she said that she almost felt bad and was going to say something if they weren't neds.

I said, "so its okay to talk to them like that because of what they look like?"

I think her mouth was talking faster than she could sensor but its pry what she really thinks. I didn't like her although I would like her to find me a job - weird I haven't heard back from her yet :-)

I really want a career but have no idea what I want to do and feel like I am getting a bit lost in the shuffle of 'mid' twenties. I would like to feel back on track!

I don't want to go back to school for more than three years, make decent money and guaranteed job upon graduation.

Any suggestions? - It would be GREATLY appreciated!!!

Not the most creative titles...but I have been thinking that I have had some pretty interesting Easters the past few years:-


Senior year of college I was in the Bahamas at some Gospel church with a hangover from too much Bohemiam rum.

The following year I was living in Alaska with my cousin but she was away on Easter. I had picked up some guy the night before who spent the night with his friend. His friend left in the morning but I was planning to hang out with the guy the next day. That plan was foiled when his girlfriend called him that afternoon. I couldn't help but laugh because I certainly wasn't interested in the guy and it wasn't surprising that he had a girlfriend because he didn't seem all that trustworthy. Just a funny way to spend an Easter.


I guess its really only two interesting Easters in a row but I thought I would share them.

Last year I was home with my family and this year I will be in Edinburgh perhaps cooking a brunch with my good friend Maggie or spending it with Hamish's parents.

HAPPY early EASTER!!!!

So recently I went back and re-read one of my favorite books that really moved me when I was 'younger' - The Celestine Prophacy. It's an absolutely excellent book that I highly recommend - action, adventure and spirituality.

The chapter of the book that moved me the most was about control dramas. There are four types and every person has their own favorite one that they learn in their childhood which is in response to their parents' control dramas.

The book explains a control drama as the way that we steal 'energy' from each other. I can't think of a good term to replace with energy if you don't like that word.

The four types:-

Intimidator - uses physical or mental threats, dominates.

Interogator - questions people to find out about their life and then criticises them.

Aloof - plays it cool, mysterious almost, sits back and wait for people to approach and talk to them.

Victim - makes you feel guilty for how you treat them.



I personally am an intimidator.

What are you?


I just find it interesting to recognize what category you fall into and be aware when you are doing it. Does it make you want to stop playing into your control drama? Why do you need a control drama anyway?