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Last Visit 2010-07-08 14:47:03 |Start Date 2004-06-06 03:17:55 |Entries 100 |Images 24 |

10/13/05 09:45 - ID#20865

A month to go with lots to think about

It's actually a little bit more than a month, maybe 5.5 weeks left in the best country in the world, but even if I do love it, it still isn't home. I am definitely getting antsy to get home ever since my cousin & mom's visit has ended. I'm not really homesick I am just anxious to see feel smell and hear everything that is Buffalo. I can't wait to be wrapped in my family and friend's arms with hugs to go around.

Though going home means having to make decisions. I am excited at the thought of it, but scared that I won't make the best one. I am probably not going to have as much money as I would have liked when I get home so that could hinder plans for moving into my own place. My main dilema is whether to move to Pittsburgh to be with Justin (Florida/Pittsburgh boy) or stay in Buffalo. I am waiting to hear on a job to work with my sister because that would be magic. It would pay over $10 to have an office type job and bonus:I get to see my sister all the time. My mom is taking a job so she won't be able to help my sister with my niece all the time. If I stay in Buffalo I can help my sister keep her sanity. Staying in Buffalo means that I should probably begin to give up on my relationship with Justin. That is a problem in itself.

When is it that you know you should let someone go and not try to date them anymore? At what point should one say enough is enough, especially if you never actually dated but liked each other for 2.5 years? Is it when you have only seen the person 5 times in 2.5 years because they hated Buffalo too much to see you except once for a Pearl Jam concert. Or they just decide not to call for 2-3 weeks at a time when you were talking daily or every other day? How about mailing them countless things in the mail and only getting package in return? Or never sending you a birthday or Christmas present? Or they yell at you on the phone when you are already in tears? Is that enough? What does someone have to do to make you finally say we are not meant to be? I don't know what it takes when you feel like the person is your soulmate but just don't know how to treat you. But don't worry cause in his last e-mail he said he was finally going to give it his all and when he says that, its going to be pretty damn good. Is that enough of and enticement to give it a try with him? Should I say no and forget the whole thing? What if I regret never trying it with him? What if I regret trying? How much am I willing to put myself at risk? Did any sentences in this paragraph not end with a "?"

I was going back and reading my good friend's journals and it was so much fun. I haven't read them in so long and made me feel like I got about 3 e-mails from each of them (which is always the best part of my day). [search]Maureen[/search]'s journal entitled "Soul Mate" really caught my eye (beautifully explained). It was so amazing and something that I think about, the integrative thinking. I love the idea of integrative thinking. My class on the Great Apes was an integrative thinking class and that was what I loved about it. I love not having one answer but seeing truth in a lot of life and just seeing the connections between things. I don't think that I am smart enough to see a problem in a lot of different ways right off the bat, and the effort to get all those perspectives seems like a lot of work, but I really respect integrative thinking! So if you believe in integrative thinking then its hard to settle on one profession or one person. Both should challenge you like [search]Maureen[/search] said. I do feel like Justin challenges me to be a better person and we both like to think about the same stupid things that is why i feel like he could be my integrative thinking partner, BUT if I believe in integrative thinking then I wouldn't settle for just one person. There must be numerous people out there that are right for me in different ways. So I could just say goodbye to him and continue my integrative soulmate search, right? Does that make me content? I don't know? Thank for the food for thought though Maureen. Muy interesante!

In any event, despite the fact that I have no idea what I will do when I go home, I am trying to ease my leaving here with a future visit from Hamish my Scotsman. He was going to buy a ticket in the next couple of weeks to visit me sometime in january (yes that also creates complications for moving to Pittsburgh if that is what i decide) so that when I leave the Edinburgh airport I would know that I would see him at least once more. HOWEVER this was complicated today when we realized that he is going to have to apply for a visa and make a trip to London to interview to see if he can get a Visa to see me. This is because he was arrested. Apparently anyone arrested has to apply for a visa this way. He has to wait 40 days to get something and then who knows how long after that to get an interview? So I won't know before I leave if I will ever see him again. I am going to be a ball of tear for about 17 hours until I see my family. It's just going to suck! So even if he does find out that he can visit he is going to have to wait another 3 months to get a reasonably priced plane ticket and it might be like Spring by the time that happens and what if I am in Pittsburgh? DAMN IT THERE IS NO GOOD ANSWER!

I realize that in the end everything will probably happen and I won't have much say in it anyways, so I don't need to worry but I really can't help it

Well on another note I have been doing some traveling....

Highlands-absolutely amazing. i am inlove.

Bristol/Bath- Bristol was crap. Bath was beautiful with the Roman Bath houses that I didn't get to see. The atmosphere in Bath was really cool, very old feel. Stonehenge was AMAZING! I loved it, has to be one of the greatest things I have ever seen. Granted it is just rocks but I was enchanted. I was prepared that they don't let you get too close, so i wasn't disappointed. Really great!

Next on the list is Spain. I leave next Saturday and will be gone for a week. The week after that is Amsterdam. The week after that is Prague. The week after that is Cardiff, Wales (possibly) and then BUFFALO!

The only place that I am disappointed that i didn't get to see was Barcelona.

Well that is about it for my updates. Just getting ready to come home, excited about it and trying to deal with everything that is going to happen.....

(I will try to post some pictures soon if I can get it to work!)

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