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Last Visit 2010-07-08 14:47:03 |Start Date 2004-06-06 03:17:55 |Entries 100 |Images 24 |

04/08/09 02:19 - 38ºF - ID#48325

Control Dramas

So recently I went back and re-read one of my favorite books that really moved me when I was 'younger' - The Celestine Prophacy. It's an absolutely excellent book that I highly recommend - action, adventure and spirituality.

The chapter of the book that moved me the most was about control dramas. There are four types and every person has their own favorite one that they learn in their childhood which is in response to their parents' control dramas.

The book explains a control drama as the way that we steal 'energy' from each other. I can't think of a good term to replace with energy if you don't like that word.

The four types:-

Intimidator - uses physical or mental threats, dominates.

Interogator - questions people to find out about their life and then criticises them.

Aloof - plays it cool, mysterious almost, sits back and wait for people to approach and talk to them.

Victim - makes you feel guilty for how you treat them.

I personally am an intimidator.

What are you?

I just find it interesting to recognize what category you fall into and be aware when you are doing it. Does it make you want to stop playing into your control drama? Why do you need a control drama anyway?

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Permalink: Control_Dramas.html
Words: 216
Location: Buffalo, NY

03/22/09 08:25 - 33ºF - ID#48150

Is the Grass Greener?

I can't believe its just been over three years since my last entry! I would like to think that I will come back with full force to write regularly but I suppose only time will tell...

In living in Edinburgh, Scotland for just about a year and a half although my only intentions are to live here permanently the question of the day is - is the grass greener in Edinburgh as opposed to Buffalo. People make big life changing decisions because they believe that it will make them happier but is my life happier with all that I have given up to live in this society?

The main reasons for moving here were for my Hamish (husband), the most beautiful city I've ever seen, health care and vacation time (minimum 4 weeks plus about 9 public holidays).

Hamish is certainly a good match and a very attentive partner. He more than lives up to the expectations that I had.

Edinburgh continues to be completely enchanting with more than plenty to keep me busy and entertained.

Sure, I have 'lots' of vacation time but all of the time is spent going back to Buffalo. I had thought that I would be taking elaborate vacations all over western Europe but actually I haven't gone anywhere 'exotic' since my big move.

There is also the issue of missing my closest kin! There is nothing more satisfying and comforting than being around people that are like-minded. I haven't found very many of these people here, not that they aren't nice but just can't say that I feel all that connected to them.

So was the move worth it? - I guess that I don't feel there was much of a choice for the direction my life was taking. I feel satisfied but there are definitely struggles that will never be overcome when it comes to missing homebase and the people that are there.
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Permalink: Is_the_Grass_Greener_.html
Words: 318
Location: Buffalo, NY

03/20/06 07:39 - 27ºF - ID#20868

North To Alaska

Hey fellow strippers! I have made it here safe and sound. Things are going well. I have only had one real day of temp work and have one more tomorrow which was lucky. The kid I was filling in for got sick so they are letting me stay on an extra day, originally I was filling in so he could go to a conference. I need the money, as I am still job searching!!! It is a little frustrating, i am just hoping that something will come through soon.

For those who have not been to Anchorage, its not a pretty sight. The city is ugly and spread out. It makes Buffalo look beautiful, ya I know! The mountains are fantastic. The view from my window is kinda funny. There are these huge beautiful mountains with a huge Wall-Mart in the foreground. Looks silly.

There are plenty of military folk here. I have thank them for introducing me to an ice luge (sp???). It is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I am going to bring the idea home to Buffalo. It's a huge block of ice set up on an angle with 2 path ways dug into it. 2 people put their mouth at the edge of the block and 2 people pour shots down it. I have a picture or 2. I will have to share. I highly recommend it. The best thing since peer pong!

Oooh and I have a moose story too! Last week my cuz & I were walking down her street and at the end of her street are huge snow banks you can't see around. My cuz came face to face with a moose standing right there. I was just behind her. She ran the other way. I just wanted to pet it!!!

This weekend we should be heading to a nearby town for a little day trip, I will be sure to bring my camera.

Hope all is well with the rest of the e-strippers.
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Permalink: North_To_Alaska.html
Words: 330
Location: Buffalo, NY

11/23/05 04:51 - 28ºF - ID#20867


"Off the Wall" 10pm, be there

We might move onto Frizzy's after???

It's gunna be craziness, that's all I know!
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Permalink: PARTY.html
Words: 20
Location: Buffalo, NY

11/10/05 10:56 - 39ºF - ID#20866


So I took the trip that most e-strippers would love to...Amsteram. It was pretty good and very interesting. I have never been in such an "anything goes" type city. The best part was that it didn't have a seedy (sp?) feel to it. It had a great atmostphere except for when people were saying "coke, estascy...coke estascy..." almost as if it were a song. The prostitutes were really pretty most of them. It's like a fun show, but it grosses me out to think that people actually have sex for money. I mean work sucks no matter what, but why make it one of the most enjoyable things in life? It is only going to wreck it! I am still deciding if i think prostitution is okay. Mike, can we argu about this when i get home?

As for the pot, it was really cool that it was okay and not something to be ashamed of. I liked that you could just buy it and not worry about it. It's weird that they called them "Coffee Shops" since I don't think they sold coffee, but whatever. I don't ever really smoke, but I just don't think that it should be illegal. So the one time I did smoke there I just about lost my mind. It was super strong stuff, AK-47 was the name of it. It was pretty bad.

They of course have live sex shows, but what i didn't expect was Animal porn. I didn't witness either, but what craziness!!!!

All in all it was a very cool city to see, but I think I could only stand it for so long.

This weekend is Prague. Should be a lot of fun, but we have to travel ALL DAY to get there because we have to check in twice at the airport. YUCK! Oh well....

I am going to have a coming home outting on November 23, as all of you should be out anyways since its the biggest drinking night in Buffalo. I planned to be appropriately decorated in Scottish attire (short kilted skirt!)

Missing Image ;(






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Permalink: AMSTERDAM_.html
Words: 361
Location: Buffalo, NY

10/13/05 09:45 - ID#20865

A month to go with lots to think about

It's actually a little bit more than a month, maybe 5.5 weeks left in the best country in the world, but even if I do love it, it still isn't home. I am definitely getting antsy to get home ever since my cousin & mom's visit has ended. I'm not really homesick I am just anxious to see feel smell and hear everything that is Buffalo. I can't wait to be wrapped in my family and friend's arms with hugs to go around.

Though going home means having to make decisions. I am excited at the thought of it, but scared that I won't make the best one. I am probably not going to have as much money as I would have liked when I get home so that could hinder plans for moving into my own place. My main dilema is whether to move to Pittsburgh to be with Justin (Florida/Pittsburgh boy) or stay in Buffalo. I am waiting to hear on a job to work with my sister because that would be magic. It would pay over $10 to have an office type job and bonus:I get to see my sister all the time. My mom is taking a job so she won't be able to help my sister with my niece all the time. If I stay in Buffalo I can help my sister keep her sanity. Staying in Buffalo means that I should probably begin to give up on my relationship with Justin. That is a problem in itself.

When is it that you know you should let someone go and not try to date them anymore? At what point should one say enough is enough, especially if you never actually dated but liked each other for 2.5 years? Is it when you have only seen the person 5 times in 2.5 years because they hated Buffalo too much to see you except once for a Pearl Jam concert. Or they just decide not to call for 2-3 weeks at a time when you were talking daily or every other day? How about mailing them countless things in the mail and only getting package in return? Or never sending you a birthday or Christmas present? Or they yell at you on the phone when you are already in tears? Is that enough? What does someone have to do to make you finally say we are not meant to be? I don't know what it takes when you feel like the person is your soulmate but just don't know how to treat you. But don't worry cause in his last e-mail he said he was finally going to give it his all and when he says that, its going to be pretty damn good. Is that enough of and enticement to give it a try with him? Should I say no and forget the whole thing? What if I regret never trying it with him? What if I regret trying? How much am I willing to put myself at risk? Did any sentences in this paragraph not end with a "?"

I was going back and reading my good friend's journals and it was so much fun. I haven't read them in so long and made me feel like I got about 3 e-mails from each of them (which is always the best part of my day). [search]Maureen[/search]'s journal entitled "Soul Mate" really caught my eye (beautifully explained). It was so amazing and something that I think about, the integrative thinking. I love the idea of integrative thinking. My class on the Great Apes was an integrative thinking class and that was what I loved about it. I love not having one answer but seeing truth in a lot of life and just seeing the connections between things. I don't think that I am smart enough to see a problem in a lot of different ways right off the bat, and the effort to get all those perspectives seems like a lot of work, but I really respect integrative thinking! So if you believe in integrative thinking then its hard to settle on one profession or one person. Both should challenge you like [search]Maureen[/search] said. I do feel like Justin challenges me to be a better person and we both like to think about the same stupid things that is why i feel like he could be my integrative thinking partner, BUT if I believe in integrative thinking then I wouldn't settle for just one person. There must be numerous people out there that are right for me in different ways. So I could just say goodbye to him and continue my integrative soulmate search, right? Does that make me content? I don't know? Thank for the food for thought though Maureen. Muy interesante!

In any event, despite the fact that I have no idea what I will do when I go home, I am trying to ease my leaving here with a future visit from Hamish my Scotsman. He was going to buy a ticket in the next couple of weeks to visit me sometime in january (yes that also creates complications for moving to Pittsburgh if that is what i decide) so that when I leave the Edinburgh airport I would know that I would see him at least once more. HOWEVER this was complicated today when we realized that he is going to have to apply for a visa and make a trip to London to interview to see if he can get a Visa to see me. This is because he was arrested. Apparently anyone arrested has to apply for a visa this way. He has to wait 40 days to get something and then who knows how long after that to get an interview? So I won't know before I leave if I will ever see him again. I am going to be a ball of tear for about 17 hours until I see my family. It's just going to suck! So even if he does find out that he can visit he is going to have to wait another 3 months to get a reasonably priced plane ticket and it might be like Spring by the time that happens and what if I am in Pittsburgh? DAMN IT THERE IS NO GOOD ANSWER!

I realize that in the end everything will probably happen and I won't have much say in it anyways, so I don't need to worry but I really can't help it

Well on another note I have been doing some traveling....

Highlands-absolutely amazing. i am inlove.

Bristol/Bath- Bristol was crap. Bath was beautiful with the Roman Bath houses that I didn't get to see. The atmosphere in Bath was really cool, very old feel. Stonehenge was AMAZING! I loved it, has to be one of the greatest things I have ever seen. Granted it is just rocks but I was enchanted. I was prepared that they don't let you get too close, so i wasn't disappointed. Really great!

Next on the list is Spain. I leave next Saturday and will be gone for a week. The week after that is Amsterdam. The week after that is Prague. The week after that is Cardiff, Wales (possibly) and then BUFFALO!

The only place that I am disappointed that i didn't get to see was Barcelona.

Well that is about it for my updates. Just getting ready to come home, excited about it and trying to deal with everything that is going to happen.....

(I will try to post some pictures soon if I can get it to work!)

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Permalink: A_month_to_go_with_lots_to_think_about.html
Words: 1258
Location: Buffalo, NY

09/02/05 07:06 - 64ºF - ID#20864


MIKE I hope that you had the most amazing birthday EVER! So good infact that you are still recovering. Miss you tons!!!image
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Permalink: MIKE_.html
Words: 23
Location: Buffalo, NY

09/02/05 07:04 - 64ºF - ID#20863

New Picture

I just wanted to point out that I posted a new picture. It's not actually of Edinburgh or Scotland at all-Yikes! It's of England, the Lake District to be exact. And YES those are sheep in the background (the little white dots!)
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Permalink: New_Picture.html
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Location: Buffalo, NY

09/02/05 05:36 - 65ºF - ID#20862

My Favorite City

I won't make mention of how long its been since I have posted, because that would be the cliche thing to do! I am having an amazing time in Edinburgh. I can't tell you how much I love this city and I can't imagine finding a place that I like better. It always keeps me content between the people in my flat, my handsome Scotsman, the hills to climb, the pubs to drink in, and the places you can go. My freshmen year of college used to be the best time in my life, but I have to say that being in Edinburgh exceeds Niagara University by miles!

Starting with is the foundation of my being here because its giving me the money to meet my basic needs and travel. I love where I work and I don't think that I could have found a better place. It is totally stressfree, completely opposite the pharmacy atmosphere, which I am greatly appreciating. The people that work here are so nice. I only really get to greet them when they walk through the door, but its great fun anyways! I am getting paid enough that I am able to do just about all the traveling that I can handle.

Traveling...I am taking this weekend off to enjoy the pubs and basically relax. I have a hectic schedule just about from here on out.

Sept 10th-a full day journey (12 hours) to Glencoe in the highlands. It's supposed to be absolutely gorgeous.

Sept 17-19- a journey to Bristol by myself! This will be my first big trip that I do by myself, so we will see how it goes! I will also be going to Bath (about 12 mins by train) while in Bristol and getting a tour out of there to Stonehenge and Avebury (supposed to be more impressive than Stonehenge and you can actually go up to it unlike Stonehenge).

Sept 24-Oct 1st- My mom and cousin will be here. We are going to do some sort of trip, either to the highlands or Barcelona. I am just too excited to see them.

A few weeks off

Oct 22nd-29th I will be in Spain with Christina from my work. We will be going to the Island where Palma is.

Nov 5th-6th- Amsterdam with Hamish. Its going to be way too short of a visit, but I am going to try and fit in as much as I can. I guess there is a sex museum, prosititute information center, Van Gogh museum, Anne Frank's house, and of course cannabis museums.

I may also end up going to Prague and Alicante? Yes it is going to be an intense next couple of months but then I can come home and relax for a month or whatnot! Wha Hoo!

Well my little Jill has been returned to the E-Strippers and Edinburgh is not the same without her. I have been bonding with the flatmates in attempting to make up for her absence. The newest flatmates seem a bit anti social with their door always closed, but I think they might come around yet. Ilana and Carrie are cool! We do a lot of cool things together like-color. Trust me its what all the cool kids do here.

As for the pubs they are fantastic. i don't believe I have had a proper night out in about 3 weeks or something? Tonight may be the night? We'll see how I feel when 9 rolls around, it might be sleepy sleeps but it might be dancing all night long. The current plan is to pick up a 6 pack of StrongBow (so freakin good!) and begin the night early. Or take a nap and then start drinking, its hard to say. You know its really a battle between sleeping and partying. Its like I could fulfill one of my basic needs that feels really good and saves a lot of money OR i could probably have a really good time and spend a lot of money. I supposed you need both, but probably more sleep than party is better for your body and wallet. Who will win the battle this Friday??

As for my Scotsman, Hamish he is awesome! Personally I find him to be devastatingly handsome and great company. No I don't have any plans to get married and stay in Edinburgh, but I am definitely enjoying my Scottish fling. I think this kid actually wants to be American with the way he dresses and talks, BUT he is a Scotsman through and through. He has been my first relationship and its been a great one. He is great because I know he would do just about anything for me, BUT he does lie and that pisses me off! He talks about coming to Buffalo which would be fantastic but I don't think much more than that. I am just happy to have found a Scotsman to pass my time in Scotland!

In a side note I saw They Lady Boys of Bangkok yesterday. Some of the drag queens were so beautiful i couldn't believe it! "V" from Marcellas remains my all time favorite drag queen, but these women (?) were quite impressive as well. They put on a great show!

So everything is great here and I will post again when I am bored at work

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Permalink: My_Favorite_City.html
Words: 889
Location: Buffalo, NY

06/03/05 08:48 - ID#20861

Beautiful Edinburgh

So Jill & I have safely made it to Edinburgh and even managed to get a lovely flat around the corner from JK Rowling. It's in one of the nicest parts of Edinburgh which is great! I am a receptionist at a building that keeps records on the monuments/architecture in Scotland. I have quite a bit of freetime at my job which has internet (hence where I am right now) which makes it totally enjoyable. I am beginning to get really good at knowing how to do nothing. Also I am picking up on the accents since I have to understand them on the phone, which can be difficult!

I am beginning to miss my family and friends ALOT!

It's weird but ever since I came here four years ago Edinburgh has felt like another home to me which is helping this transition.

Hopefully soon Jill & I will be posting some pictures, we just have to actually start taking some first.
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Permalink: Beautiful_Edinburgh.html
Words: 163
Location: Buffalo, NY



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