So I don't know why I don't change my attitude towards my birthday?

I mean every year I think its going to be something huge, and even this year I decided I wasn't going to make it something big and its still disappointing. I always feel guilty not inviting someone (or I just really want to invite someone) and that leads to three other invitations and then none of those people show up!

I think that I just need to decide to be really exclusive so I don't have to feel ditched!?! Or maybe I should just celebrate in February when there is nothing to do and life is dull so people are more motivated to hang out with me???

Any suggestions???

So the other day I was talking to my mom and she put me on call waiting while she talked to her sister. She came back and said that she agreed to go out with her sisters although didn't really feel like it. She decided to go out because she saw "Yes Man" and found truth in the idea that if you said 'yes' to everything that you would be less depressed.

I guess my mom is generally a depressive type person but I would say that is because she is constantly empathetic with the negative side of human existence.

It has really stuck with me that this movie has been so influential in my mom's life - I mean if such a movie could do this for her, could you imagine if she just surrounded herself with positive things?

Who would think that such a crap movie (though I never saw the whole thing) could be so positive?

So I got a job with Energy Saving Trust and I really couldn't be happier except if it was closer to my home. For you Buffalonians this won't seem far, but its 5.5 miles from my home. In real terms this means 1.5 hr walk, 1 hr run, 1 hr on a bus or 45 minutes if Hamish picks me up.

Also, 9-5:30 is quite long and ends up about a 12 hr day :-(

Everyone is so extremely nice! This is the first that I have found so many people in one place that seem so normal and nice!

Right now I am doing a lot of basic adminy work but eventually I will be able to approve or reject applications for loans and grants which is funded by the government (although this is a non-for-profit organisation). It is nice to have a job that I believe in and that I am helping to make the world a bit greener. Granted anyone could do my job and its not the skills that I bring but rather that I get to be a part of something positive for the environment which is something that has always meant a lot to me.

Not to dismiss my last entry...because I definitely still plan on becoming a teacher but this is happy times while I wait to be able to return back to school.

There was a work night out on Friday and I unfortunatley got too drunk, I don't know why I always do that with new work people. I feel that some of the highlights included this guy who called my boss a minion (which my boss is totally cool and told me on my first day that its totally cool if I am late and is also letting me get paid for not working this Friday despite that fact that we are to be "working from home" as my office is moving down a floor). So yea, this guy was talking crap about my boss and saying how when he worked in London this chick was really mean to him because he had turned her down for sex - some how I do question this.

I also got in a bit of a funny tiff with one of the manager's at my work, not one of mine - just a head of another department. He is just as new as me. He kept making fun of my height and I kept calling him a horrible wingman because I thought he pointed out how much the other guy liked this girl but then it turns out it wasn't the girl that I thought he was talking about and then I think I almost gave the other guy away after claiming myself to be the best wingman. Not sure if that makes sense at all?

I also think that I might have creeped out a couple of the girls in the office that I really like by going on about how nice and awesome they are. Yes, perhaps coming on a little strong for my first week of work. Oh well, I always seem to battle my weirdness/awkwardness. Perhaps eventually they will find it charming, that is really the only hope I have :-)

I also got gossip about when I interviewed which is always good info to know what people thought of you upon first impressions!

I did actually make a couple of friends as well!

So overall I am really happy with my new place but hope that I am less drunk next time. Round two is this Thursday! TBC...

TEACHER

For the past year I have really been searching to try and figure out what it is that I want to do. Something that is feasible and going to leave me employed.

As of several days ago I decided that I am just going to go for it and become a teacher for many many reasons:-

1. The glam, the glory. I really want something that I am proud to say that I am and I feel like no matter what you can be happy to declare that profession.

2. The perks . Holidays - You get so much time off that I would be able to see my family lots and get home. Good pension and benefits, for looking toward the future.

3. Breaking up the grind. You always have something to look forward to and work towards. I miss that feeling of being in school where you were always looking forward to the next thing whether it was Christmas vacation or the excitement of starting a new school year and how new everything seems again - each class would be like that, though some you would be glad to leave behind.

4. Getting there. It would only be one more year of schooling and then I would be certified. Though I have to get some experience under my belt in the next year.

5. Job Outlook. I think that Scotland might have a better job outlook than Buffalo for teaching, but not entirely sure that is true. But it is pretty fair to count on the fact that eventually I would land a job in teaching.

6. History of Desire. When I was little I bought all the teaching essential for my pretend class including greaseboard, pointer and TONS of workbooks. When I graduated from University I wanted to become a professor and would have endured research just to be able to teach. I have always had an interest in doing this, its just coming back around once again.


I have kind of been feeling that I just need to choose something and go with it instead of becoming stagnant and totally losing the will to participate in life. I barely cared what I would decide to do, so long as I chose something and stuck with it! This is something I feel that I would always be interested in and feel confident enough to go and run with it.

I feel that its time to start actually building something rather than temp jobs from here to there. Even if I lose my great enthusiam, I still think that I should push through and just do it because there are so many reasons to . No more mind changing, this is my FINAL ANSWER!

:-)

So unemployed once again which is kind of fun, at least at the moment. After about a week and a half, not so fun anymore - I am anticipating - this was Day 1.

Anyway, this all led to signing up with more temp agents. I met with this lady who seemed kind of eccentric and more cut out for acting or being up in front of people performing in some way. She was telling me about how she was in the pharmacy the other day and apparently it was the time of the month when the 'poor' people (neds aka. 'wigger' might be the closest word??) come to get their prescriptions. The pharmacy techs were apparently being so mean to these people and she said that she almost felt bad and was going to say something if they weren't neds.

I said, "so its okay to talk to them like that because of what they look like?"

I think her mouth was talking faster than she could sensor but its pry what she really thinks. I didn't like her although I would like her to find me a job - weird I haven't heard back from her yet :-)

I really want a career but have no idea what I want to do and feel like I am getting a bit lost in the shuffle of 'mid' twenties. I would like to feel back on track!

I don't want to go back to school for more than three years, make decent money and guaranteed job upon graduation.

Any suggestions? - It would be GREATLY appreciated!!!

Not the most creative titles...but I have been thinking that I have had some pretty interesting Easters the past few years:-


Senior year of college I was in the Bahamas at some Gospel church with a hangover from too much Bohemiam rum.

The following year I was living in Alaska with my cousin but she was away on Easter. I had picked up some guy the night before who spent the night with his friend. His friend left in the morning but I was planning to hang out with the guy the next day. That plan was foiled when his girlfriend called him that afternoon. I couldn't help but laugh because I certainly wasn't interested in the guy and it wasn't surprising that he had a girlfriend because he didn't seem all that trustworthy. Just a funny way to spend an Easter.


I guess its really only two interesting Easters in a row but I thought I would share them.

Last year I was home with my family and this year I will be in Edinburgh perhaps cooking a brunch with my good friend Maggie or spending it with Hamish's parents.

HAPPY early EASTER!!!!

So recently I went back and re-read one of my favorite books that really moved me when I was 'younger' - The Celestine Prophacy. It's an absolutely excellent book that I highly recommend - action, adventure and spirituality.

The chapter of the book that moved me the most was about control dramas. There are four types and every person has their own favorite one that they learn in their childhood which is in response to their parents' control dramas.

The book explains a control drama as the way that we steal 'energy' from each other. I can't think of a good term to replace with energy if you don't like that word.

The four types:-

Intimidator - uses physical or mental threats, dominates.

Interogator - questions people to find out about their life and then criticises them.

Aloof - plays it cool, mysterious almost, sits back and wait for people to approach and talk to them.

Victim - makes you feel guilty for how you treat them.



I personally am an intimidator.

What are you?


I just find it interesting to recognize what category you fall into and be aware when you are doing it. Does it make you want to stop playing into your control drama? Why do you need a control drama anyway?

I can't believe its just been over three years since my last entry! I would like to think that I will come back with full force to write regularly but I suppose only time will tell...

In living in Edinburgh, Scotland for just about a year and a half although my only intentions are to live here permanently the question of the day is - is the grass greener in Edinburgh as opposed to Buffalo. People make big life changing decisions because they believe that it will make them happier but is my life happier with all that I have given up to live in this society?

The main reasons for moving here were for my Hamish (husband), the most beautiful city I've ever seen, health care and vacation time (minimum 4 weeks plus about 9 public holidays).

Hamish is certainly a good match and a very attentive partner. He more than lives up to the expectations that I had.

Edinburgh continues to be completely enchanting with more than plenty to keep me busy and entertained.

Sure, I have 'lots' of vacation time but all of the time is spent going back to Buffalo. I had thought that I would be taking elaborate vacations all over western Europe but actually I haven't gone anywhere 'exotic' since my big move.

There is also the issue of missing my closest kin! There is nothing more satisfying and comforting than being around people that are like-minded. I haven't found very many of these people here, not that they aren't nice but just can't say that I feel all that connected to them.

So was the move worth it? - I guess that I don't feel there was much of a choice for the direction my life was taking. I feel satisfied but there are definitely struggles that will never be overcome when it comes to missing homebase and the people that are there.

Hey fellow strippers! I have made it here safe and sound. Things are going well. I have only had one real day of temp work and have one more tomorrow which was lucky. The kid I was filling in for got sick so they are letting me stay on an extra day, originally I was filling in so he could go to a conference. I need the money, as I am still job searching!!! It is a little frustrating, i am just hoping that something will come through soon.

For those who have not been to Anchorage, its not a pretty sight. The city is ugly and spread out. It makes Buffalo look beautiful, ya I know! The mountains are fantastic. The view from my window is kinda funny. There are these huge beautiful mountains with a huge Wall-Mart in the foreground. Looks silly.

There are plenty of military folk here. I have thank them for introducing me to an ice luge (sp???). It is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. I am going to bring the idea home to Buffalo. It's a huge block of ice set up on an angle with 2 path ways dug into it. 2 people put their mouth at the edge of the block and 2 people pour shots down it. I have a picture or 2. I will have to share. I highly recommend it. The best thing since peer pong!

Oooh and I have a moose story too! Last week my cuz & I were walking down her street and at the end of her street are huge snow banks you can't see around. My cuz came face to face with a moose standing right there. I was just behind her. She ran the other way. I just wanted to pet it!!!

This weekend we should be heading to a nearby town for a little day trip, I will be sure to bring my camera.

Hope all is well with the rest of the e-strippers.