So it turns out that we're going to London next week [I guess this wasn't actually likely?] and I've been quietly stressing out about weird things. I'm not worried about the standard things, like whether the luggage handlers are going to shred my favorite angora sweater and route it to darkest Canada. No, I'm weirding out about culture shock.

I had a nightmare this week that I couldn't understand a word anybody said. I would ask people to repeat themselves three or four times until they thought I was making fun of them. I'm actually seriously worried about the language barrier.



But what really concerns me is the food. (e:dragonlady7) tried explaining this to me, we'll see if I got it right. First you've got Breakfast, which is actually breakfast. But then you've got Dinner, which is actually lunch. And then you've got Supper, which is actually dinner. And then you've got Tea, which is actually snacks. Tea [the beverage] is not just served at Tea [the meal], but at every meal and in fact sort of in a constant stream, right into your face.



I think we're going to try to stay at a B&B. The thing is, you wake up in the morning, you don't want to go wandering around the city looking for breakfast. You don't really want to go any further than 'downstairs.' And I know innkeepers aren't exactly gourmet chefs, but I've always considered breakfast as something you can't screw up that badly. But then (e:dragonlady7) makes an offhand comment: 'English full breakfast is kind of weird...' What.


Breakfast, courtesy of Wikipedia

So let's take a look at this thing. First we got some bacon in the middle, perhaps a little undercooked but it's definitely something we can work with. We got some scrambled eggs up front, ok. Some hash brown patties over there. I'm a hash brown fan, and those look pretty well-fried. We're doing good so far. Got half a plum tomato, not sure what that's doing there, but we'll push that off to (e:dragonlady7)'s plate & maybe she won't notice. Got some canned mushrooms. I gotta say, I didn't see that one coming. I'm a mushroom man, I've probably even had some at breakfast maybe buried in a Denver omelette or something. But just on their own like that, I dunno, it's a little much. And over here we got uh, baked beans? Yeah, baked beans. Maybe they go with the mushrooms. I guess we'll try stirring those up a little bit, maybe see if it makes a little more sense that way. No, guess not. And oh my God what the fuck is that? Thank you for going Jack the Ripper all over my breakfast perhaps we will move on to dessert now OK.



I'm going to pass on the obvious jokes to make a serious point here: these two words do not belong together, least of all in the context of dessert. Let's move onto snacks.



This right here is everything that terrifies me about British cuisine. Wish me luck.

- Z

I am totally fascinated by the Scajaquada Creek. It empties into the Black Rock Canal at Squaw Island; if you were an insane person with a canoe [and no sense of smell] going upstream along the creek , you'd pass through Black Rock and North Buffalo before reaching the reflecting pool at the Historic Society and Hoyt Lake at Delaware Park. This is all very familiar due to the eponymous expressway and bike path. Were you to go upriver from Hoyt Lake you'd pass under Delaware Ave and into Forest Lawn Cemetery. The creek ends in a culvert at Main St near Delavan, but um, there's nothing on the other side.

That's when it gets fascinating. Between 1921 and 1937 the Scajaquada Creek was buried in an enormous 3.5 mile long tunnel from Main St & Delavan Ave all the way out to Cheektowaga, where it emerges at Pine Ridge Rd near Walden Ave. The city has been built up so densely since then that looking at satellite photos it's extremely difficult to tell where the creek goes. Current government maps don't show the river at all, or show it as a straight line between the two points. There's very little mention of the project or the tunnel anywhere online. For all intents and purposes, there is a 3.5 mile section of the creek that just doesn't exist anymore. If you continued upstream, you'd be outside for less than two miles before you found yourself underneath the Galleria Mall. USGS lists the creek's source as some subdivision in Lancaster, 13 miles east of the Niagara River.

In researching the creek, I dug up a scan of a 1901 USGS map of the Buffalo area and pastede it onto Google Earth, which is fascinating in its own right [18.7M]. [Use Google Earth's opacity slider to time-warp 107 years.]

It's going to be tough to keep myself from urban-spelunking it this summer. Gross.

- Z

ps for those of you who give a shit: the creek goes underneath the Canisius athletic complex, and underneath Florida St. It then turns south underneath a footpath, underneath the Kensington Expressway, and along the path to Fillmore Ave. From there it goes between an industrial complex and a railroad before continuing along the appropriately-named Scajaquada Street. At Bailey Avenue, it no longer follows the street, instead going behind a row of backyards, crossing Genesee St at Kearns Ave. It flows underneath Schiller Park and Villa Maria College before emerging again at Pine Ridge Road.

So basically amateur pro wrestling is fun as hell. I had a blast but I think I ended up rooting for the wrong people most of the time. We had to leave early for a party, but we stayed long enough to see (e:dragonlady7)'s former coworker Pepper Parks - who had some really good moves and knew how to work the crowd - get smacked around by 'Mastiff' Will Christensen, who mostly glowered and blew his nose on people. There were a couple really lopsided matches in the first half ... I was totally impressed by Gabe Saint but he lost to Stargazer, who as far as I can tell spent his entire time in the ring getting pounded. Dunn & Marcos were pretty evenly matched with Rhythm & Booze, but R&B's dirty tricks were totally lame, and Marcos had these weird Miami-teal pants which I could not abide. I think R&B won, but D&M's ring girl [?], whose name I did not catch, and who is way foxy, totally stole the show. After R&B brought her into the ring by her hair [i mean seriously come on people] she took a flying leap off D&M's shoulders and took them both out. Somebody get her number, she's derby material.

There were some improvised halftime theatrics wherein Blackjack [I'm not sure whether he's Good or Bad but he's a totally nice guy out of the ring] vowed to "manage" the Suicidal Saucies at the next QCRG bout and Colonel Johnny Kayfabe "took over" the Nickel City Knockouts - SEE YOU MAY THIRD NORTH TONAWANDA!!! - but later on Blackjack sort of said yeah um I don't actually know anything about roller derby and the Knockouts said that's ok we're not even playing on the third.

NWA Empire - their next match is on June 21.

- Z

Dinner tonight was a George Foreman weenie I bought at the Wheatfield VFD on Amateur Pro Wrestling Nite. Details to follow.

- Z

Last night's game was a big success, though I have to admit that from the AV Club's bench, things looked a little bit different.

'Baby' Joe Mesi made his formal announcement of candidacy for the State Senate yesterday afternoon ... but the Tonawanda native's first public appearance as a candidate was at the rink [and he's already got his tickets for Hell on Wheels!] Chatting with Stonewall, he told her 'be careful! This is a dangerous sport.' Um ... but that's different than punching each other in the face until somebody falls down?

NWA Empire - another Niagara County institution - sent a delegation of amateur pro wrestlers to the game to promote their Second Anniversary Showdown next Saturday down at the VFD. They gave away a couple tickets and invited the roller girls to come out. Hell yes!

WFTDA celebrities from the Gotham Girls Ginger Snap and Hambone came out to guest-ref & geek out. They were just awesome people, very supportive and helpful, and we are all richer for having had them.

Six of the Albany All Stars showed some derby love from alll the way across the state. We gave them hats. I wish we could make it to the Albany-Syracuse game on the 26th but we've got that lesbian shotgun wedding in London.

Hatchet Man brought his pipe & drum corps to bring out the ladies ... but I can't for the life of me remember their name. Hatchet Man proceeded to coach the Dollies in his wool kilt, which could not possibly have been comfortable.

Oh yes and also there was a game. The Knockouts led the whole game, but the Dollies rallied in the third for an exciting finish. In the end, the Knockouts held to their lead, 95-76[ish]. The Knockouts had two injuries that stopped the game, but luckily neither of them turned out to be serious. Sour Grapes was sent to the hospital in the first period but they couldn't find anything wrong so they sent her back [she did not return to the game, but wishes she could have]. Mia Mauler got laid out flat on her back and probably got a concussion, but swears she's ok. Red Fox of the Dollies finished the game with cracked a rib, and that is not good.

A good time was had by all. See you at the VFD next Saturday.

- Z

My aunt called me up yesterday, as she is wont to do when she has computer problems. I told her that I was working [it was about 4:45] but I'd be over once I was done. She told me she was impressed with my self-control, and that she'd sort of figured that working at home meant I could take it easy. Meanwhile I'm thinking yeah ... I could probably be billing 50 hours a week, if I were interested in working 50 hours a week. Which explains the dearth of (e:strip)ness.

Anyway, a screenshot from my client's current website, for your amusement.



Secretly I hope beyond hope that there's a guy in Member Services who is maybe just a little bit Willy Wonka and who maybe refers to their customers as Memblers on those days when he's mixed a scoop of regular in with the decaf ...

- Z

So my passport is in the mail and I'm headed to London for a lesbian shotgun wedding. We're basically flush right now but I'm finding that London is a bit cha-chingg.

Flights from Toronto are $400 round trip, which I think is crazy cheap. I am a man of great legs, so I had a peek at first-class: holy crappo! Yeah, we're flying coach.

But now there's this whole lodging thing. We're going to be there about a week, and hotels are either $300 a night, or way out in a bog or something. (e:dragonlady7) suggested staying at a hostel, which is really not that bad, they don't usually steal your stuff and she only knows one person who was sexually assaulted at one, but it's ok because it was by someone she knew. And I'm like: ehmmm. B&Bs start around $100 a night, which we could swing ... but how do you find a good one?

Anyone been to London? You know where's a good place to stay?

- Z

How come whenever I go grocery shopping it always becomes an adventure?

Thing one. OK, so at Wegmans you can buy fresh herbs either in a little tiny tray that is exactly what you need, or a humongo bundle that you could never possibly eat all of. But here's the thing: they cost the same. I am a person who would buy the small tray just so I don't have a half pound of ancient parsley going gelatinous in the bottom of my veggie drawer. But this is really foolish.

$1.29:


$1.29:


Thing two. Maybe in New Jersey, Zubaz are coming back. (e:hodown,43480) But in Buffalo they never left.


Thing three. That is a box of Indiana Jones Cheez-Its in my cart.

Thing four. Speaking of Harrison Ford:


- Z

So this week I finally went from the ranks of the nearly-employed to the ranks of the telecommuting. That is, I still sit around the house in my underwear, only now I get paid for it. [cha-chingg!]

I thought once I'd gotten into a routine where I had to wake up early and do stuff all day, that I'd be less likely to start going all buggy. Not so! Whenever I got bored with something I could go putter somewhere else. But now I sit in my living room all day staring at Flash Player. I think this kind of shit is hilarious. My only social interaction spends 23 hours a day sleeping and one hour a day climbing the curtains. I haven't left the house since Tuesday nad it's really freeking me out.

- Z

After a comprehensive nationwide study of nearly 50,000 postmenopausal women, lasting eight years and costing over $400M, the National Institutes of Health determined that it doesn't fucking matter what you eat, and promptly buried the results. Particpants cut back their fat calories from 37% to 29%, increased fruit, vegetable, and grain intake by 25%, and cut back an average of 360 calories per day for eight full years, and were closely monitored to ensure that they remained on the diet. Results? Weight loss in the healthy eaters was only about 1.5lb, and furthermore did not reduce their risk of cardiovascular disease, breast cancer, or colorectal cancer. And so I present to you:

THE (e:zobar) MIRACLE DIET!

When you are not hungry, do not eat. When you become hungry, think about what you want to eat, and then eat it. When you are full, stop eating and go on with the rest of your life. That's it!

The (e:zobar) Miracle Diet has the best food of any diet plan out there, because it's exactly what you want! You will never mindlessly stuff your face with Low-Fat Kardboard Krisps just to stave off hunger between unappetizing and inadequate frozen meals or Nutrient Shakes! You'll have all kinds of free time, since you won't have to spend it calculating calories or counting cards! You'll feel like a person in charge of his life, and not like a pathetic fatso with no willpower! And when compared with the best long-term diet that the NIH has ever devised, it's only about 1.5lb less effective.

People say that's easy for you to say, Mr. BMI 17. Maybe you don't realize this, but my weight has caused me problems for my whole life. People who are not dieticians regularly use social gatherings as opportunities to tell me I need to go on a diet. People judge me by the food I eat. People will tell my close relations that my weight is a reflection of their poor character. That's fucking bullshit! i say. I am a healthy individual, I can eat what I want, and I do. Food is a wonderful thing, and you should enjoy it.

- Z