I know that writing about the weather is kinda lame-o but I am upset. Just a week ago I was in a tank top and now the wind is blowing like crazy and it is downright cold. I don't like it. Grrrrrr.

In other extremely exciting news, my cat's anal glands leak. Its lovely, really.

As many of you already know, Felly and I went to dance class again last night and we learned how to "knee rock". Basically this involves any move where you are on your knees. We had to step out with our left leg and pull the right knee down and slide it into place next to the left foot on the floor. It looks super difficult and indeed isn't that hard, but I managed to pull some muscle in my left thigh in the process. At least I look cool.


Moving on to my favorite subject...Feminism.

I just finished reading Profit and Pleasure by Rosemay Hennessy which is basically a book connecting the effects of late capitalism to the promotion of different sexual identities. She talks a lot about how lesbians and gay men are becoming "chic" and how this is allowed and even encouraged in late capitalism because it is a marketing niche that is profitable. Furthermore, because gender roles are becoming less segragated in the fact that women are working outside of the house much more lately, this creates an environment where gender and sexual deviance is permitted by what she calls the ruling bloc. Basically her argument is that we cannot dismiss capitalism in favor of culture because capitalism is equally if not more so involved in shaping and creating various idenitites, including sexual orientation, and that the new identity politics which are extremely prevelant in queer ciricles and academic theory often does just that. Fascinating.

I would also like to take a moment to talk about the noose that was found on an African American female professor's door at Columbia University on Tuesday. Of course they have the president or provost of Columbia talking, who is a white male, and then they had a white student talking and then later they had light skinned black woman student talking... I didn't watch CNN much that day, but that is what I saw. I couldn't help wondering where the black students where in all this. And I couldn't help wondering about allllllll the hate crimes that are committed against black people that go unreported. This happened at a high profile university to a distinguished professor. Not to say that it is any less offensive, but I can't help but wonder why we get to see hate crimes against educated, middle to upper class blacks when we certainly wouldn't hear about many other instances that certainly occur on a daily basis and are indeed perhaps much more violent than this one. It seems to me that by covering only high profile hate crimes against, for lack of a better word, "good" blacks, and not showing these other types of hate crimes, the media creates and perpetuates the invisibility of racially motivated hate crimes against "bad" blacks. Making sense? What systems are at work here? Who benefits and bares the burden of visibility and invisibility? Just a thought.....

I was up last night till something like 3:30am. Weird...I used to have insomnia pretty bad but that was because I could sleep all day and paid the price come night time, but this is no longer the case. Although I do sleep till 10:30/11 most days, it is not what it used to be. But either way, I was awake last night and funny enough, I got a text from my younger brother asking if I was awake. Like I said, most nights I would have been fasssst asleep but that time.

So my little brother who is not so little anymore, called me and we chatted about stuff. It was actually really nice, like he was calling for advice almost. Talking about his girlfriend that he is falling for and how her Dad might kill him. She is 16 and he is 19 so there could be some trouble. We talked about how weird it is that I am in Grad school and we even talking about taking a plan to Seattle next summer to visit my older brother.

He usually doesn't open up like this. He won't give very much as to his personal shit...but I felt honored that I was the one he talked to last night. And before he hung hung up he told me he loved me... first even!

Awwwww.

I am still in pain. I kinda feel like someone karate kicked my stomach, put me in handcuffs then made me squat for hours without letting me actually sit down. Awesome.

Sooooo, I really really really like Halloween and want desperatly to go to the Haunted Catacombs thingy
and I wanna know if anyone has been and if it is indeed worth the $20 bucks it costs to enter. Looks good on the internet :) I am assuming it is, but I always enjoy the comments of those who have gone before me.

Today is read read read, write paper, clean apt, hang out with my cats kinda day. I am so cool.

I am in pain. I mean, I knew I would be. I haven't done anything physically tiring to this extreme in a very long time. One thing that is interesting though...is this is not your typical hurt. I hurt in between my upper thights, in the muscles under my upper arms and in my arm pits and my neck muscles. I think this goes to show that this is indeed no ordinary workout.

I had a lot of fun dancing and playing with the big ball thingy. Not surprisingly, my body pretty much gave out on me after 10 or so reps of one excercise or another. I am in terrible shape and honestly, it is embarrasing. I may be thin but that don't mean shit. My body is mush and it's about time I do something about it.

I am looking forward to being able to dance for more than 5 minutes straight without needing to stop and breathe. I am looking forward to knowing that I can RUN if I need to. I am looking forward to being a little stronger than your typical girl. I am also looking forward to just having so some fun.

Today it will be interesting to find out if I can hold my arms up long enough to wash all the shampoo out of my hair.

There are 9 Estrippers on RIGHT now.

anyways...today is gross. I like waking up to sounds of rain pouring, but I don't like grey skys. Yesterday the moon was out at noon... very beautiful and incognito against the blue and white sky. There is nothing better than summer like days in October.

Do I have anything to say...?
Oh yes, lately I have been watching..dum dum dum, the news. And by the news I mean CNN. I have been noticing this sick tendancy for them to talk about the same shit over and over and over again. And ok, I understand the need to "follow up" on cases. There is always more to be said, but I question who/what decides what these major cases will be.
Although I do like CNN's "Keeping Them Honest" thing...I heard that an "illegal alien" spent years saving money washing dishes and then went to the airport with his savings and it was SEIZED by the gov't. Gross. Are you kidding? And they of course tried to call all these people to get answers as to why and nada, zilch, zero.
And Dr. Sanjay Gupta (sp?) did this great story about food and actually talked about how it affects African Americans and poor people greater than it does white middle class folks...

I should be reading.

Ok so, we went to this place. You walk through a non-descript door on main street next to Hyatts and are faced with a long steep stairway. As soon as you open the door you can hear the music eminating from the very top floor. From the first landing you walk through another door and are suddenly surrounded by bright large graphic grafiti and if you turn your head to the left, something beautiful and new awaits.

This was perhaps one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. There is something so magnetic, inspiring, sensual about dance and something even more specific about this kind of dance. to see a group of men (yes there were 3 girls of the perhaps 30 or so men) gathered around eachother, sharing how to's, friendly hugs, no sense of unbridled testertone at all...and the competition was nothing other than a way to organize the thing, rather than an excuse to pit people against eachother. They always gave each other hugs or props or both before and after each battle and it was clear that for the most part it was genuine.

And when these men dance, holy shit do they dance! I have seen this kind of thing online, on TV, but to see it in person...to see these skinny little boys do these crazy things was...well...unreal. And perhaps the biggest part of it all was how small and warm it felt. It was not some performance with them onstage and us far far away in rows of seets. We were up close, personal, some close enough to be hit in the head with flying windmill legs if they weren't careful. You could see the sweat, the deep breaths, the facial expressions on each and every one.

OK...obviously I was taken by this whole thing. I can't wait to go next month and I will be sure to remind all your asses about it when the time comes because I think everyone should see this at least once in their lives. And as for me, I think I might be taking up some dancing of my own.

Today has been fairly productive for me. I wrote a paper that is due on Monday and I cleaned the entire apt. and I am waiting on my laundry that is in the dryer. After that I plan on a nice hot shower and reading some Socialist/Marxist feminist theory until my love comes home and we go to see some kind of break dancing battle thingy on main st. should be fun.

Oh yes, and we are going to Darien Lake on Sunday to have a little end of the season fun with Felly's family. I have a strange love hate relationship with rollercoasters. Felly and I both went on the tallest, fastest rollercoaster in the world, Kingda Ka, last year. Pretty sweet. I am going to miss however, Six Flags Fright Fest...we went last year to New Jersey and it was a great time, even if it was freazing, but alas, darien lake is no longer six flags so, no fright fest for laurens.

I was considering writing my opinion on this...box cutter robber guy, but I don't think I am going to get into it...there is too much possibility for unmitigated ramblings and the like. I will say this. Men will never understand what it means to be constantly afraid, to be constantly told not to go out alone. Women's movements are policed by men, and our freedom is greatly inhibited in this so called"land of the free". I find it disgusting that it is women who must make changes to our lives as a solution to this problem. We continue to blame the victims in these situations and it is no fucking surprise that men continue to perpetrate such heinous crimes.

So, this may be more info than any of you want to know, but I am slightly emotional and drained as a result of my monthly visit from the this sucks why do I need a uterus fairy. I won't go into the gory details, but I can say this. The femaile body is complex thing. I spent the day before yesterday feeling sorry for myself, sad, depressed even, and tada, the next day, as I predicted, I was bleeding. I do not want to reinforce stereotypes of women and PMS, but I think there is some truth behing this myth. It is hard to talk about this kind of thing without seeming essentialist, but I do believe that a woman's body, her hormones, her cycle that follows that moon...is a complex and complicated relationship with the physical and the social. I guess my point would be, don't look at PMS as a bad thing, as something to be feared, as something to use as a lash against women who may or may not be menstruating. Obviously, being on my period makes me much more willing to talk about my personal life to almost strangers.

In other news, thanks for all the encouragement about Grad School. I know in my head that this should be a difficult time, that surely everyone has feelings of doubt at some point or another in their lives. It is good to hear this from real live human beings though.

Oh and the storm the other night was wicked cool. I dig lightening and thunder and crazy sideways rain. I do not however like blah, half assed rain that just makes for a wet day rather than an exciting evening.

I guess I should eat breakfast so I can start poppin pills.

Maybe some have noticed, others may not, but I have been MIA here at good ol Estrip. Perhaps I shall vent...

Classes are getting a little heavy and the real work hasn't even started yet. I hope I can maintain some hint of sanity throughout this semester.
Sometimes I want so desperatly to run back to new paltz and take the easy road...I was smart there. Smarter even, then other people, and here I can't help but feel like I don't belong here sometimes. That there was some mistake in the acceptance and now they wish they could take it back but they can't. I know this is ridiculous, but so is the mind.
I guess I also have issues with where I am life. I am still not so sure that i made it through undergrad, and did quite well. I don't always remember college, don't remember what it was like to be there, but I know that I am there once again, only this time its different, but not. I can't believe I am in grad school...how the hell did I get here? Do really deserve this?
When I went to New Paltz, I was young, ignorant, naive, all that jazz. I didn't know what I wanted to know, who I was, where I was headed. I remember being absolutely terrified. Yet, I made it through and now, here I am, feeling like I am back there again. But I guess this is how it goes in life. One thing is conquered, a bigger and more scary thing awaits around every turn. This is how you get better, grow, learn, become...

Even now I feel guilty for being on here. I should be reading, writing a paper, thinking about a research topic. We were talkiing in class yesterday about how suicides on college campuses tend to occur in Dec and May. I can't help but be cinical..is this type of pressure really necessary to gain an education? Who ever thought it was a good idea to have all of your big projects due in one week? And yet, people do it, survive, thrive even.
eh...fuck it. I chose to be here. I want to be here. I am paying to be here. Self doubt is stupid.