Why is it that water sobers you up so quickly? All those irrational thoughts of needing to talk/flirt with someone disappears. You realize that you weren't asked to give a speech at your undergraduate commencement, as your parents laugh at you. You remember to hate yourself again for almost stopping your aunt's 50th birthday party downtown because you forgot your ID, even tho your mom was there vouching for you, because you were taking your damn Subject GRE and you forgot your 2 greatest forms of ID in your jeans. You remember how incompetent and dependent you are, and you wonder when will you become a coherent person. And damnit you have an exam Monday and two exams Tuesday. Why is it again that I suck so much, oh yea because I am me!

Mike, thanks for the birthday wishes, and congrats on finishing your paper early. Do you think I have been too much of a GOOD influence on you? Well I hope you don't mind that i changed my user pic to a HOT picture of the both of us!!! You know I love ya "BABE"

So, I feel I am at the end of a lot of things in my life. Some stuff is good and some is bad. I cannot wait to be done with this semester as it has been grueling, but I have learned a lot about how to handle many tasks at once-not that I ever feel that I need to test that skill again, or atleast for a while.

But my 22nd birthday is Sunday and my body is now creeky, and I don't like it. I don't understand why my body now feels stiff, rusty, and grindy. It scares me, as I never thought that my body would become this way. Although I can see I am already one of those people likes to complain about getting older, I plan to give up that habit shortly. I am just in transition to acceptance. There are a lot of things I like about getting older and the fact that I am more capable of being a responsible person that is more able to be kind to others. Its really important to me, but I feel that I am more capable of this lately. I just cannot believe that I am going to be 22, there is nothing to do but grow up from here. I really need to keep an immature side, so I hope my friends can help me with that. For some reason I always thought I would feel 12. I think its just lately, but I don't really get excited at the thought of going out. I am happy to be low-key and do nothing and hang out with some cool people. I suppose I was never really a huge party person, except here and there. This is a really strange birthday, probably the first I have never counted down, the first time I was sad to leave a year behind. I really don't want to be 22, but i am sure that soon enough this "grow up" self will find peace in it, as I am always forcing myself out of stuff. Okay this is getting way too depressing.

So I am finally almost done wiht the whole grad school application process, and let me tell you that it feels damn good. It was more of a haul than I would have ever imagined, and made the semester the hardest I have ever endured HOWEVER I am just happy that I am almost done.

"Cutos" (sp?) to Jesse for taking the GRE's today and hopfully surviving it-GREAT JOB. You must be so glad to be done wiht it.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving i guess, but I know Delprino and I will be hittin' the stats hard as we analyze our data on resiliency. I am not looking forward to entering in about 70 questionnaire with about 120 questions each. I probably will not be seeing straight for dayz after that, but this semester is almost over and then I will be able to breathe once again (NOTE TO SELF: Do not get myself into more work than hours I sleep in a day..i don't even really know if that makes any sense???) It will be good to see the group again as I expect everyone to be home for the holidays.

I really don't get why Thanksgiving makes people want to drink?-more than say the night before Christmas eve or New Years Eve.

On another note- I really cannot fathom that I am just about 22, although I will NOT be celebrating my birthday until after the school year is over as I would actually like to enjoy it. But I mean its such a dull year to turn 22, i mean fitting I guess as this whole semester has been, but still I cannot believe that I have already hit my peak and I still have not dated anyone etc. How does that happen?-I can't really figure it out?

One last inquiry-do you think there is a collective unconsciousness? Because I have to say that I think there is. First of all I think it almost goes without saying that "we retreat from that which pursues us"-we only like those that don't like us back. But like did you ever have a relationship wiht someone that they only wanted to talk to you when you didn't want to talk to them? And now of course I don't really want to talk to him, and now he calls. Okay its not as dramatic as it seems. ANd I will explain for all of those that care...THis kid won't call for like 3-4 weeks, even tho I called on occasion, no returned phone call. Then I decided that I am pissed at him because he wont come and visit (Florida dweller).-now i didn't tell him or act as if i were mad. but he has called twice within two days and even left a message which is unheard of for him. i don't get it? Whatev its not really important anyways...all that matters is that my grad school shit is almost done.

PS Peter I very much enjoyed your journal entry about guys and what they would do even if they were gay-very entertaining.

So my Polish boys are back in Poland incase I didn't say. But they have been e-mailing me. Here is a link to some of their photos. Damnit they are so cute!

SO I found out about this trip/class that I can take at Buff State and I would get to go for a week to the Bahamas. It would cost a mere $1,300 for EVERYTHING! And you get to do field research and hang out on the beach. AND the beach is pretty secluded as is most of the island, although there is a club met. YOu fly into Fort Lauderdale (sp?) and then take a charter plane. I am scared of dying on it, but other then that i think it would be so totally amazing. So I am pretty sure I am going to do it! Oh and its actually the island that they think Colombus landed on.

Mike and I went for a walk down elmwood which was most pleasant! It was so nice to have an evening off and just hang out and talk about everything that has been going on. It feels like ALOT has happened, even though it didn't. I know I just wrote an entry about being bored not too long ago. It was so pleasant to be in Mike's company. I hope you feel better mike. I love you!!!

I feel like I only ever want to journalwhen I am sad or upset. Damnit that isn't the way it should be!!! But I am going to write anyways. I really think i need to make a firmer committment at work mostly but life in general (its just that its hardest to be nicest at work) to be kinder and more patient to our fellow human being. Sometimes I let my negative thoughts become rampant, when my compassionate/patient thoughts are hiding right behind those mean thoughts. Its just that the mean thoughts are first, so a lot of times I react to them first. But I am learning a lot about patience and persistence lately. I just really want to be able to come to all people in my life from a very honest and jovial place.

I am sick of hearing my own thoughts. My life is surrounded by school, which i think is better than boys cause i know how to effectively turn off my emotions with school-hahaha. But everyone knows how boring school is, sure it can be interesting at times, but damnit its boring! I am pretty overwhelmed with work and I forget what it was like when I didn't have to worry about that. I am learning to become excepting of it all. I still hope that one day I will feel caught up, but that thought is becoming less attainable everyday as i move closer to burnout. I really want to get caught up but I don't have the staminia.

This boring school stuff is interfering with my social life. I don't even want to go out and have fun, but I don't want to do work either. I am stuck. Not to mention my friends are going to be sick of what i have to say about school if they have to hear about it again, and I would feel the same way. Great so now I am going to be boring on top of having to deal with a boring life. Teres needs some excitement, like a suprise trip somewhere or something along those lines. Damnit I need some passion towards something like music or anything, but I am bored.

I am also sick of rides home. Like it always seemed in high school on the way home you had all these revelations of how you wanted to change or felt something really exciting, or was really mad about something. I am sick of those. They are tired to me, all the problems that I have are tired and boring. Not that I want bigger problems, more so the point is why don't i just get over all of it? When will i start being a good person that I find acceptable? Good question!

I have seriously been working my butt off. Just about every free moment I have been spending doing something productive (except for right now ofcourse). It has been insane and not in the best way possible. I keep up wiht the hope that I will one day catch up with my school work.

I apologize for my user pic, I tried to change it, but it just ended up blank. what do I do to these machines???

Gosh I just realized that I do not have anything interesting to say. But I do feel that this website just isn't the same without the big nites out. I really do miss them. I don't know I would attend everyone of them because school work sucks, buts its comforting to know they exist. Is there anyway to reinstate that plan?

Actually I do have something funny to say. For those of you that know the story about Florida and what DIDN'T happen (i don't' remember if i posted that or not--not that it isn't hard to figure out what i am talking about), all i have to say is that he didn't know what offer was being put on the table.

Oh and Boxerboi (Matt) is leaving the pharmacy. I am going to miss him dearly, he always made me laugh and not feel so bad about all the mistakes that I make in pharmacy. Matt I am totally going to miss you!!!!

And I almost forgot to write about my Polish boys. My cousin works for MTV Hits and is going to get them a spot on her show, she is going to write them into the script! THey are totally going to be an overnight sensation-YES!!! I so want to adopt them!