(MAP TO: 674 ELLICOTT ST)

Tonight we went to the single least cool place in Buffalo. It's not even the kind of uncool where you can go there and be ironically cool - there is no cool to be had, period. All the meat is pork, and all the vegetables are cabbage. Everything is either marinated in vinegar or fried in butter - or it's marinated in vinegar and then fried in butter, and served with a big dollop of sour cream. If you're there on the right night, you will be serenaded by accordion with tuba accompaniment. It is a happy place.

I speak of Ulrich's Tavern , the bar that's so German it wraps around to being Irish again. [That will make sense if you go there.] Good live music, great local brews, and just this totally insane Leberkase that looks more or less like a grilled sandwich if the bread were made of meat. They are celebrating 50,000 days [138 years] of continuous operation, and that does not exclude Prohibition. These guys are hard-core OG. They spit on your 'cool' and call it tartar sauce.

- Z

This morning my valentine surprised me with two thinly-veiled threats laid gently on my pillow, a heart-shaped box of chocolate-covered guilt, and flowery proclamations of inadequacy and thoughtlessness - all before I even left for work! It must be love.

I had composed a soliloquy about Valentine's Day - how it should be a happy holiday, not a sad or angry holiday as it's become. It should not be about desperately "Seeking same for LTR," but about celebrating the relationships we have with the people who make us feel special. It should be about demonstrating the appreciation we have for who we share our lives with - not demanding same of them. It should not be about flowers and chocolates and cards and trinkets bought out of necessity, but rather unique gifts and gestures that show that you know and care.

I didn't post it because I hadn't gotten a chance to edit it, what with all the craziness around the house lately. I don't think I'll bother posting it now, because I'm clearly insane.

But if anyone here shares my insanity, know that secretly* I'm totally with you. I wish you, above all, a happy Valentine's Day.

- Z

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• I guess it's not really that secret anymore, but it sounded poetic.

ps. New journal music. gather:0790574001171472480

...she looked up this joke on (WIKIPEDIA - Your Mom).

Fact: Every Subway restaurant is independently owned and operated. So why do they all smell like the same armpits?

- Z

So, we went to the roller derby tonight and saw (e:mrmike) there* - it was a really close game, and the Kissers beat the Sluggers 100-95. Despite grumblings about ticket price, they still sold out all 700 tickets, and then sold another 200 admissions. The place was packed, and the girls put on a good show. (e:dragonlady7) - er, B-17 - played so hard she busted her brand-new high-impact kneepad. The halftime skirmish between Metal Mistress and Mia Mauler was not staged [for future reference, do not get all up in the grille of a former kickboxing champion].

My aunt, whose birthday coincides with the next game on 31 March [and who remembers well the Bay City Bombers playing at the Aud in the 60s] has already made plans to bring everyone to the roller derby for her birthday, and all my cousins want to ref since the officiating was somewhat awful. Good times!

- Z

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• (e:mrmike) - sorry about the ticket situation. They began selling tickets online and doing will-call after I got yer ticket, and that would have been a much better way to do it.

This guy wants you to go to Slugs & Kisses.

::Download Flash Video::

Tickets are selling fast, and they think they're likely to sell out at the door.

- Z

...stating point of view. Indicate precisely what you mean to say.

There's only sixty-four questions. What a gyp!


1. The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?

When the phone rings, it will be
a) a fax machine, because my phone number used to belong to an insurance company's fax machine, or
b) an irate customer, because if you've got shit for brains, my phone number (877-4xxx) is very similar to the phone number of the Better Business Bureau (1-877-4xx-x...).
Ergo, it would be best if the person hung up halfway through the first ring.


2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?

I stand on the axle and ride it all the way back into the store as nine-year-olds watch enviously.


3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?

I talk more, and listen less, than I'd like.


4. Do you take compliments well?

I am very gracious until the person leaves; then I gloat and do the Ickey Shuffle.


5. Do you play Sudoku?

I secretly believe that I would be very good at it. In the cold dark nights I cherish this belief and I don't want to ruin it for myself.


6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?

My first priority is clawing my way back to civilization.


8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?

I was a campfire girl and went to Camp Aloha a couple times.


9. What was your favorite game as a kid?

For some reason I always thought it was fun getting beat up by my big sister.


10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married, would you?

It would fuck my shit right up and I would think about it nonstop, but not do anything about it until she was convinced I was an idiot and gave up.


12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?

Are my religious beliefs an obstacle for them?


13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?

Pursuing makes me feel like an idiot and an asshole - the way I usually do, only more so. I kind of hate it, but the fact is I'm way too dense to realize when I'm being pursued.


14. Use three words to describe yourself?

Good not evil.


15. Do any songs make you cry?

"Outside the Wall" chokes me up. Does that make me a retard?


16. Are you continuing your education?

It turned me off getting my Master's when I realized grad students were taking the exact same classes as the undergrads.


17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?

Yeah man.


18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?

My laptop. And when I got outside I'd curse that I'd left the Internet inside.


19. How often do you read books?

[sigh] I don't, really.


20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?

I tend to think about the present until it's well past, and then I'm surprised that it's not really the present anymore.


21. What is your favorite children's book?

Richard Scarry was pretty badass. I am predictably opposed to the new Dr Seuss(TM) franchise. I did not discover Tove Jansson's Moomintrolls until well into my 20s, but they're so awesome and warped I'm retroactively Photoshopping them into my childhood.


22. What color are your eyes?

Green.


23. How tall are you?

My license says 6'3".


24. Where is your dream house located?

I really like Buffalo. Does that make me a retard?


25. Best vacay ever?

When I was 16 I went, largely unsupervised, with a number of other 16-year-olds to Germany and mostly wandered around totally drunk. It was a Cultural Experience.


26. Coolest picture?

There was this one time I went to Cedar Point with my family and I was trying to figure out which hill on the roller coaster they were taking the souvenir pictures at - so I made a different face on each hill. It turned out to be the one where I puffed out my cheeks and looked like I was going to spew forth all over the bald-headed guy in front of me.


27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth

Yes. Does that make me a retard?


28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?

The last time I remember being at Olive Garden was on the road when my folks were moving me to New Jersey. That would have been August 2001. Olive Garden isn't bad, really - it's just that there's much better food at other restaurants.


29. How about the movies?

(e:dragonlady7) and I packed a flask of Jack and went to the Transit Drive-In last summer to see the most AWEXOMEST!!! double-feature ever: Snakes on a Plane b/w Clerks 2.


30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?

Allentown.


32. Do you like mustard?

I collect different flavors of mustard. Horseradish, dijon, whole-grain, ... Does that make me a retard?


33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?

Eating binds to my receptors in ways that border on the illicit.


34. Do you look like your mom or dad?

I went to a family get-together last summer and, remarking on my beard, one of my cousins said, 'Check it out! It's a 1972 Hap!'


35. How long does it take you in the shower?

Fifteen minutes exactly.


36. Can you do a split?

Not on purpose, and not without roller skates.


37. What movie do you want to see right now?

I have been jonesing to watch Tampopo again. It's a bizarre Japanese movie about love of food - a comedy, but respectful. Its narrative structure is really cool - sort of distracted and fractured, the way that I usually end up telling stories. It's one of my favorite movies.


39. What did you do for New Year's?

We got weird on absinthe and Singapore Slings and watched Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.


40. Do you think The Grudge was scary?

...


41. Do you laugh a lot?

That's not as important as whether I can get other people to laugh a [insert space] lot.


42. Do you own a camera phone?

Yes I have a spy-phone, sort of by accident.


44. Was your mom a cheerleader?

No, but her old photos look like interstitials from Laugh-In.


45. What's the last letter of your middle name?

R man.


46. how many hours of sleep do you get a night?

Any less than nine and I am a very grumpy person.


47. Do you watch MTV?

No man.


48. Do you like care bears?

I used to have a Care Bear that got so nasty that we started calling him Scummy Bear.


49. What do you buy at the movies?

Nothing - I smuggle in about a pound of candy Legos I buy bulk at Tops.


50. Do you know how to play poker?

No man.


51. Do you wear your seatbelt?

Yeah man.


52. What do you wear to sleep?

Usually, whatever underwear I was wearing that day.


53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?

Robert Redford made a movie there once, and my gym teacher had a cameo as a first-base umpire. Vincent Gallo made a movie there once, but it was kind of bad. Jim Carrey made a movie there once, but it wasn't actually there.


54. How many meals do you eat a day?

Two.


55. Is your tongue pierced?

No man.


56. Do you always read MySpace bulletins?

What?! Look, man. MySpace gives me the conniptions.


57. Most visited webpage?

Sadly, the one I work on every damn day.


58. Do you like funny or serious people better?

I like people who can be intelligently funny about serious matters.


59. Ever been to L.A.?

I went to LA once by accident, but that's a long story ...


60. Did you eat a cookie today?

I ate some contraband airplane cookies at lunch.


61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?

Not usually, but I am a big fan of 'duraks,' which is Latvian for 'buffoon.'


62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?

Let's put it this way: I no longer spend money on music I can't justify spending money on.


63. Do you hate chocolate?

Question 63: Are you a fascist? (Y/n)


64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?

Uh ... we don't really. Does that make me a retard?


65. Are you a gullible person?

Yeah man.


66. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend to be happy?

I have no hangups about being alone, but it is one of those things that is quietly oppressive. Like New Jersey.


67. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?

If I could make money spending all day fucking around on my 'toy' programming projects, I would.


68. Are you easy to get along with?

Are you?


69. What is your favorite time of day?

I like the late afternoon, when the sun's too low to come in the window and the room's not dark enough to turn on the light. The numbers on the alarm clock keep changing, but they don't really jibe. A radio in the distance plays Solid Gold Hits. There are sounds of working, playing, cooking, talking, driving, all swirling around - they are here, but they are not Here. I'm not really here, but I am still Here, half-focused and just ... wasting time.

- Z

OK, I'm doing the 'derby widow' thing. Tickets are $10 presale, and I can Procure them for you. It will be fun, and there will also be beer. It is expected that the event will sell out, so you should not rely on buying tickets at the door. Perhaps we should make this an (e:strip) thing? Perhaps! Slap me a post-it.

(e:dragonlady7) is a Slugger not a Kisser [ain't it the truth] and tickets are also available at Art-N-Body, Carl's Tattoo, Dwyers Pub, Karma Salon & Spa, Mohawk Place, New World Record, and Rainbow Rink.

(MAP TO: 101 OLIVER ST)


- Z

but it's not like I do them on purpose. Since I can't seem to stop doing dumb things, at least it makes life interesting for me and those around me. Mostly me.

When I was in college, Darius and Cracker and I would jam into the pickup in the middle of the night and head out to the God-forsook wilderness outside of Rochester* with out $5 sleds and butt-saucers to careen around Mendon Ponds Park. One time we left so late and stayed out so long that we stopped off at Weggie's on the way back for fresh-fried doughnuts. Good times. It's been a while.

The weather was gorgeous Sunday afternoon - high 20s and sunny - so we picked up some $8 sleds at the hardware store and headed for Chestnut Ridge Park. Aside from some minor annoyances, we had a blast. Sledding is awesome, and I recommend that you do it at least once a year.

however

I totally broke my ass again, and I still can't sit comfortably. Why do I keep breaking my ass on things?

- Z

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• NASA and Cornell University have confirmed that Rochester is coldier than Mars.

ps. New journal music is 'The Thin Ice,' from Luther Wright and the Wrongs Rebuild the Wall - the best concept album of the century. gather:0837886001170127912

OK, so (e:dragonlady7) sent me this link to The Rebelution.com Modesty Survey. The first question, before they even let you register for the survey, is 'How important is modesty to you?'

So I thought, you know, if I see some chick with like a quarter-inch of makeup on and her underwear sticking up over the back of her pants, I think to myself: 'Wow, that chick is totally a hoebag.' And there was this one time when I was in Washington Square Park and there was this Mennonite women's choir singing, and I am not ashamed to say that some of them were super-hot. So I answered '6.'

So they started asking me questions about whether I considered certain parts of women's dress to be 'stumbling blocks.' I am absolutely fashion unconscious, but let's say I meet some chick and she's wearing these big hoopy earrings that look like Claire's overstock from 1992. Even I know that's ridiculous. I would consider that - perhaps not definitive evidence of her complete lack of worth - but it makes me wonder, like, what her deal is. It's something I think about when I should be thinking about what she's saying. A 'stumbling block,' if you will.

Well, here's the thing. I'm a Catholic, with thirteen years of Catholic education behind me. I consider myself to be pretty well-versed in many areas of Christian theology. The term 'stumbling block' is, apparently, standard terminology among some other denominations for 'something women do to make men want to sin, specifically by punching the clown.' This is completely new to me, as I'm pretty sure I was taught that my wang was my own damn responsibility.

Annyway ... I thought 'stumbling block' was bad because I found it unattractive to the point that I couldn't take the woman seriously. They thought 'stumbling block' was bad because I thought it was so attractive I had to run off for a quick game of whack-a-mole. Needless to say, I answered about 20 questions completely wrong - including one where I said I found the picture of frumpy knee-high boots to be a big stumbling block because they reminded me of my sixth-grade math teacher, who was a nun - before (e:dragonlady7) stepped in and told me all about how sometimes when I feel a tingly in my pants that's a stumbling block.

It was really embarassing, because you can't change your answers and I had to write to the admin to reset my survey:

Yeah, I think maybe I need to have my answers reset. 'Cause when you said 'stumbling block,' I thought, 'something that makes me think a particular woman is a hoebag.' I did not realize it meant 'something that makes me want to whack off.'

I would just like to make it clear that large boots in the manner that my sixth-grade math teacher [who was a nun] wore - do not, under any circumstances, make me touch myself.

Thank you.

- Z

A local CD duplication services is sponsoring our Battle of the Bands [as they did last round, fair play to 'em]. They're the only sponsor to come back from last time, and it's great that they're supporting the local music scene.

However, for the last three workdays, I have been trying to figure out why this guy can't see his sponsor logo on our website. He is using Netscape 7. My usual response in such cases ['perhaps you should stick to web browsers produced by organizations that still exist'] will not work, because of course, Dude is giving us like $500 worth of merch to give away.

So we've been going back and forth - me tweaking things, he saying it still doesn't show up. And I know he's getting nervous. And it's not making my job any easier knowing that he's getting nervous.

Turns out that the problem is:

He's got ad blocking software running.

- Z