Hi,

I can't talk for long so this will have to be brief. Jim has left his laptop to go do something like eat or hydrate himself for the first time in days. I don't know when he will get back but if he finds me sending this message it is all over for me.
I have been at my parent's house since friday night. There is more food here than anyone could possibly eat. Seriously, I was going to make dates stufed with toasted pecans wrapped in bacon for an appitizer this evening. There were two 5lb bags of pecans hidden underneath mounds of 5lb bags of walnuts and almonds. I think if you added them all up their combined weight would be that of a grown man. A grown man complete with beard and pot belly no less!
The holiday madness rages on constantly. Here on Friday, Saturday family visited and the place was hopping with dozens of people. It was great. Later I got to hang out with my good friends Mike, Joe, and Hannah. They are high school chums and we do what we always do when we hang out during the holidays. Drink like fish.
As this is a vinyl sided suburb the only places to go are instantly familiar to you and everyone else in America. So, we went to Chilies, one of a few chain restaurant options with monopolize the local cuisine. Drat, a 45 minute wait. Thankfully as everything is in a strip mall it is only a two minute walk to the liquor store. We passed one of the hobo sized bottles of cheap rum back and forth in a crumpled brown paper bag. We drank in a tiny gazebo just out side the restaurant. A quaint pastoral touch out of place but drink-ready none the less. Well, from the time we got in the queue, got the bottle, and drank it only eight minutes had passed. Damn.
Well, we did this two more times. Each time walking into the liquor store with an increasing sense of self-deprecation. We didn't genuinely feel bad until we took the last bottle of coconut rum. And we certainly felt worse when we later bought some other beverage which tasted as much of rum as it did of Listerine.

Something happened later I seem to think. But I could be wrong. But I have been cooking for a few hours. Recipies that I would never cook for myself or loved ones, but which are required during the holidays. But I will spare you a description of butter and bacon grease dripping from things that are neither vegetable nor whole grain. I can feel my colon slowly becoming a vestigial organ.

you folks have a merry religious or secular time.

Thinking of you (e:Janelle) and (e:Laureen)

You love to rock out.

I know you do.

But, you couldn't get your hands on Guitar Hero III

Or maybe you didn't dig Rock Band.

Or maybe you don't want to look like a 13 year old boy simulating being an actual pubescent guitar player, pimply, and high, and getting your girlfriend pregnant in your parents' basement.

Well, no worries! For your desire to ROCK has slipped his serpentine tongue down the holiday throat and given birth to the most bitchen holiday rythem game!

Hand Bell Hero

To those about to hand bell, we salute you!

(e:Jim) and I were chatting over On Point this morning (both Tom Ashbrook and Jane Claison are on vacation! Who is this Jame Hitori?). The topic was a 're energized' and 'resurrected' John McCain. Wha? Did I miss something?

You see, in the last week McCain got three endorsements. The Des Moins Register newspaer in Iowa, New Hampshire's only newspaper the Union Leader, and Independent Senator Joe Lieberman. With the exception of Joe who has been wet with desire for being McCain's vice president, those are some nice endorsements.

So, has this got for McCain? Jack Squat.

In Iowa he has been in the same single digit wasteland since July.

In New Hampshire he is still a distant second. He was in third, but his numbers have not improved at all. he is floating in the mid to high teens. His jockying to second has more to do with Fred Thompson's fizzling campaign than McCain's appeal.

So, why are they calling him 're energized' and 'resurrected'?

as (e:Jim) said, they love to bring back candidates from the dead. They are spoiling for a fight. The people of Iowa and New Hampshire are polled every day. They are going to be polled every day until their primary or caucus. On Christmas day they will poll all the Jews and Muslims and witches. So, there really is empirical data to look at to see that these endorsements don't add up to anything greater than a statistical margin of error.

(e:Jim) didn't say all that. But you know how I love to go on.

I was reading the times, wasting a Sunday with it in a way I never can when in school. Reading the health section I came across a little article that, without doubt, will help solve (e:Paul)'s stomach problems!

The article is called The Claim: Don't Eat the Mistletoe. It Can Be Deadly

But the line that got me was as follows

The plant does in fact contain harmful chemicals like VISCO-TOXINS, which can cause gastrointestinal distress, a slowed heartbeat and other reactions.

case closed.

Hi!

I had my last final yesterday! I did well. So that means I could drink myself into oblivion, right?

Well, I had to be at school at 7:45 for a seven hour long seminar on cover letters... mandatory of corse.

Three 16 oz plastic drunk cups of wine into last night I realized that perhaps I should hold off my celebration for a couple of days.

Today though I started going into postpartum depression. Oh, I hate school. But having nothing to do for a month drives me crazy. So, two hours of Nick Cave later I decide to have a martini.

A side note: Brokers gin is so delicious. So amazingly delicious for mid-range gin. It is cheap enough to come in an economy size jub, but good enough you might think it was a poor batch of Bombay (not sapphire).

Well. Tomorrow I have to be at a south Buffalo elementary school to take a teacher's exam at 7:45. Why do all waste of time teachery things happen at 7:45? It is going to be such a waste of time. 90 multiple choice questions assessing my basic knowledge of social studies. They are easier than the actual regent's exams.

But right now I am gin soaked and delusional from lack of sleep to care.

(e:IMK) it was a pleasure meeting you again for the first time ^_^ Next time I promise to be sober enough to remember details.

Here is the ranking Republican on the Intelligence comitee saying something so profoundly silly he would be purged if this was Soviet Russia.



My brain hurts...

But America has bigger problems!

A spider was bit by a radioactive human and is now attacking the Space Shuttle Atlantis!



Will Gamera save us in time?

God!

I am so bored of these sex scandals. So a Washington state house rep. with a huge conservative, anti-gay record named Richard Curtis got mixed up with the wrong 26 year old boy.

Cody Castanga, a porn ac-tor, met Curtis at a porn shop. They then went to a hotel where Castanga banged Curtis' man-punnanny. After he demanded $1k from Curtis to keep their tryst a secret. Hey, a boy has to eat!

So what does Curtis do? He files an extortion charge against Castanga. Which is good. Nobody should be extorted. However, denying you had sex is kind of silly when you are on survalence tape walking in and out of the hotel where you just had sex with the man!

He resigned from his office on Halloween of this year.

Look, gentlemen, we are having way too much of this! I am getting tired of journaling about you kooky men every other week when the world discovers you have an appetite for another man's ass. So I am going to do you a favor. Here are

James' tips for not being caught in a gay sex scandal

1) If you have a wife and kids, leave them. Pay child support and alimony. No child should discover that daddy is gay after a public restroom sting.

2) Are you crazily anti-gay? Well knock it off. Barney Frank is still around for a reason.

3) Come on, admit it. I am not saying you have to pop on out of the closet. But when the police catch you with a dick in your mouth, don't say you were just unsure how to perform mouth to mouth resuscitation.

4) By nice to the people you fellate. You don't want them writing about your poor sexual performance 30 years after the fact (I am looking at you Mr. Craig!)

5) Pay for it yourself. Don't make the city, or state pay your bath house bill. I am all for you getting off, but a $100 hand job better come out of your well lined pockets.

pay heed to my words gentlemen and your careers may last just flicker on a few second longer than your spooge coated super-nova.

Howdy,

How do you like to spend Christmas? With tinsel and trees and good cheer?

Or do you wake up at half passed whiskey and shave just a little too close around your throat?

If you are among the former. Then there ain't nothin' under the stars of heaven that can help you.

If you are among the latter. Then let Tom Waits and Peter Murphy croon their way into your vermiculited hearts.

I'll talk to you once I drown myself in bathtub gin.

::DOWNLOAD SOUND::

With the first caucus less than a month away, a huge upset with Mike Huckabee beating the shit out of Romney in the polls, and Obama in a statistical dead heat with Clinton in Iowa and South Carolina (Thanks Oprah!) I am really tweeking, man!

But there is one thing about this primary season that has me groovin' and that is Mike Gravel. Oh! To be sure he is an irrelevant crank who would make a superb commune secretary, or the best boss you ever had, but presidential material he is not.

Please, check out this campaign video. You will be glad you did. The thing about it is that I am not sure if it is official or not. He ads have been all bizzare.

Here it is kidos



tell me that doesn't make you want to smoke and watch Schoolhouse Rock?

We have a few illustrious estrippers in San Francisco, but I thought I would beat them to their local news stories.




Yup, it generates more than enough energy it needs to keep itself illuminated, about a day's worth of electricity for a family of four.

Soon, we can smile in the knowledge that the chubby mug of Paul Walier divorce attorney is green, green, green.