My aunt called me up yesterday, as she is wont to do when she has computer problems. I told her that I was working [it was about 4:45] but I'd be over once I was done. She told me she was impressed with my self-control, and that she'd sort of figured that working at home meant I could take it easy. Meanwhile I'm thinking yeah ... I could probably be billing 50 hours a week, if I were interested in working 50 hours a week. Which explains the dearth of (e:strip)ness.

Anyway, a screenshot from my client's current website, for your amusement.



Secretly I hope beyond hope that there's a guy in Member Services who is maybe just a little bit Willy Wonka and who maybe refers to their customers as Memblers on those days when he's mixed a scoop of regular in with the decaf ...

- Z

So my passport is in the mail and I'm headed to London for a lesbian shotgun wedding. We're basically flush right now but I'm finding that London is a bit cha-chingg.

Flights from Toronto are $400 round trip, which I think is crazy cheap. I am a man of great legs, so I had a peek at first-class: holy crappo! Yeah, we're flying coach.

But now there's this whole lodging thing. We're going to be there about a week, and hotels are either $300 a night, or way out in a bog or something. (e:dragonlady7) suggested staying at a hostel, which is really not that bad, they don't usually steal your stuff and she only knows one person who was sexually assaulted at one, but it's ok because it was by someone she knew. And I'm like: ehmmm. B&Bs start around $100 a night, which we could swing ... but how do you find a good one?

Anyone been to London? You know where's a good place to stay?

- Z

How come whenever I go grocery shopping it always becomes an adventure?

Thing one. OK, so at Wegmans you can buy fresh herbs either in a little tiny tray that is exactly what you need, or a humongo bundle that you could never possibly eat all of. But here's the thing: they cost the same. I am a person who would buy the small tray just so I don't have a half pound of ancient parsley going gelatinous in the bottom of my veggie drawer. But this is really foolish.

$1.29:


$1.29:


Thing two. Maybe in New Jersey, Zubaz are coming back. (e:hodown,43480) But in Buffalo they never left.


Thing three. That is a box of Indiana Jones Cheez-Its in my cart.

Thing four. Speaking of Harrison Ford:


- Z

So this week I finally went from the ranks of the nearly-employed to the ranks of the telecommuting. That is, I still sit around the house in my underwear, only now I get paid for it. [cha-chingg!]

I thought once I'd gotten into a routine where I had to wake up early and do stuff all day, that I'd be less likely to start going all buggy. Not so! Whenever I got bored with something I could go putter somewhere else. But now I sit in my living room all day staring at Flash Player. I think this kind of shit is hilarious. My only social interaction spends 23 hours a day sleeping and one hour a day climbing the curtains. I haven't left the house since Tuesday nad it's really freeking me out.

- Z

After a comprehensive nationwide study of nearly 50,000 postmenopausal women, lasting eight years and costing over $400M, the National Institutes of Health determined that it doesn't fucking matter what you eat, and promptly buried the results. Particpants cut back their fat calories from 37% to 29%, increased fruit, vegetable, and grain intake by 25%, and cut back an average of 360 calories per day for eight full years, and were closely monitored to ensure that they remained on the diet. Results? Weight loss in the healthy eaters was only about 1.5lb, and furthermore did not reduce their risk of cardiovascular disease, breast cancer, or colorectal cancer. And so I present to you:

THE (e:zobar) MIRACLE DIET!

When you are not hungry, do not eat. When you become hungry, think about what you want to eat, and then eat it. When you are full, stop eating and go on with the rest of your life. That's it!

The (e:zobar) Miracle Diet has the best food of any diet plan out there, because it's exactly what you want! You will never mindlessly stuff your face with Low-Fat Kardboard Krisps just to stave off hunger between unappetizing and inadequate frozen meals or Nutrient Shakes! You'll have all kinds of free time, since you won't have to spend it calculating calories or counting cards! You'll feel like a person in charge of his life, and not like a pathetic fatso with no willpower! And when compared with the best long-term diet that the NIH has ever devised, it's only about 1.5lb less effective.

People say that's easy for you to say, Mr. BMI 17. Maybe you don't realize this, but my weight has caused me problems for my whole life. People who are not dieticians regularly use social gatherings as opportunities to tell me I need to go on a diet. People judge me by the food I eat. People will tell my close relations that my weight is a reflection of their poor character. That's fucking bullshit! i say. I am a healthy individual, I can eat what I want, and I do. Food is a wonderful thing, and you should enjoy it.

- Z

I think passport photos are specifically designed to make everyone look like terrorists, in order to keep the customs agents on their toes. I've been practicing my passport photos in the mirror.



Personally, I think Pixel Dave over here in the right margin is more accurate than anything you'd ever get out of a disinterested minimum-wage photo clerk at Walgreen's, but sadly I think Condoleezza Rice would beg to differ.

And for those of you who are wondering about my real life, I have managed to land a freelance gig for the next month or so with a company that would like to hire me full-time when it becomes feasible. For fellow job-seekers: when buttering up potential future employers, ad-hoc beer requisition is key to your success.

- Z

So my mom gave (e:dragonlady7) some tickets to Lord of the Dance for Christmas. She thinks it's because mom secretly hates her. I thought it was a nice thing to do, because B's into celtic crap, and these are really good tickets. Either way it's not really our scene, man. The tickets say no exchanges! What the hell is that?

So we're selling them, and if we can recoup I'd like to use the money to get tickets for B.B. King next Saturday instead. If you want to go, send me or (e:dragonlady7) a message off-list ... and we promise not to publicize your secret unholy love for Michael Flatley.


Buy my tickets...

---
Edited to add:
Rice milk, oddly enough, tastes like rice. And coffee that tastes like rice is a little disconcerting, in that it should taste much worse than it does.

- Z

(e:dragonlady7) says she thinks time should be a boolean. Either it's time, or it's not time. When people ask what time it is, nobody cares what the numbers are; they only want to know if it's time or not.

I quit my job today. I don't have any plans - but when it's time, there's no sense arguing.

- Z

...'cause you can't afford the ticket.

This shit is messed up, yo! I went to Wegs to pick up some stuff for my poor sick honey ...Sudafed? Used to be like $15 for a tiny box, wicked medicine-head but it works real well? I guess if you take like an enormous pile of it and mix it up with some cat piss you get crystal meth. And in this post-9/11 world we just can't afford to have people eating Sudafed with a cat-piss chaser.

I went to Wegmans and saw this stuff called Sudafed PE. It has the same name and it costs just as much except it doesn't do anything. [I've tried.] I did not see the good stuff. Then I saw this rack of little cards that you're supposed to bring up to the counter, like at a video store. Sure I'll play along.

'Can I help who's next?'

Went up to the counter. Kid was still clicking around in his computer-box. 'Yeah I'd like to buy a box of crystal meth.'

'Sure, I'll be right ... wait, what did you say?' The girl next to him was giggling. I gave him the tag. 'The generic stuff OK?'

'No, he wants the name-brand meth. Ninety-seven octane.' Pharmacist humor, I guess.

'Lemme get the book.' There's a book! You give the little shit your driver's license and write down your name in a book! What the fuck is that?! Now my name is in a secret government database of extremely small meth labs and people with stuffy noses. The kid rolled his eyes; I'm sure he's heard it all before.

'If you think this is bad,' I said, 'there's a dude over in Albany, and his entire job is to type these into a big stupid database.'

'Whatever. That'll be $2.25.' $2.25! I think the loss of privacy is worth the $12.75 a box, don't you?

---

I don't really know who started this rumor going around work now that I'm quitting. It would be unprofessional to get into it but it certainly does seem that my chances of remaining employed through next week have taken a sudden, unexpected, and precipitous nosedive over the past few days. Anybody hiring? Will work for food.

- Z

You ever notice how cemeteries never seem to fill up? People die all the damn time, but there's always huge amounts of empty space in cemeteries. So I asked.

From: (e:zobar)
Sent: Thursday, February 21, 2008 11:22 AM
To: flc@forest-lawn.com
Subject: Where does everybody go?

I think this is weird: people are dying all the time, but cemeteries never seem to get any fuller. Forest Lawn has been around for over 150 years, but there's still some pretty large sections that are totally empty. I know these are kind of weird questions, but: Where do you put everybody? About how long do you estimate before Forest Lawn is full? And then what?

curiously,
- Z

From: Betty Boyd
Date: Thu, Feb 21, 2008 at 12:59 PM
Subject: FW: Where does everybody go?
To: (e:zobar)

Thank you very much for your interest in our Forest Lawn cemetery.

Currently we have 155,069 permanent residents buried here at Forest Lawn. We estimate to have burial space for at least 50 years or more.

Each of our full size graves allow for one casket burial and one cremated body burial, or two cremated body burials.

We also have available above ground burial space in our mausoleums. (this also conserves land space).

Forest Lawn was the first cemetery in our area to build a community mausoleum, and we are very proud of that. Our newest mausoleum is Serenity. We have crypts for caskets and niches for cremated bodies available.

We are always looking out for our future needs.

When anything is sold here, burial space, grave stone markers, benches, urns, crypts niches and the, a portion of the purchase price includes monies that have to be transferred to our permanent maintenance fund. We are regulated by the NYS division of cemeteries, and we must make this transfer. This will allow for the long term maintenance of the grounds and our facilities.

When we have no room left for burial space, we will then be somewhat like a museum. Folks will always have this beautiful park like place called Forest Lawn to visit, share memories, enjoy the nature, the art pieces and monuments left as legacy to be remembered by.

If you have any other questions, contact me anytime.

Have a good day.

Betty Boyd
Your Representative
Forest Lawn Cemeteries
1411 Delaware Avenue
Buffalo, NY 14209
716-885-1600

On the one hand, it's a little weird that they refer to their customers as 'permanent residents,' but on the other hand I kind of dig it. So if they average about 1,000 new permanent residents every year, the total capacity for their 269 acres is around 200,000. That means they average about 60 sq ft per person, which is a lot more than I was expecting. [Much of that is landscaping and roads, but still.] So Forest Lawn is filling up at the rate of 160 sq ft per day, which is 10'x16' - kind of a lot, but not really noticeable when there's 60 acres to spare.

My name is Dave, and I am a weirdo who emails people to ask them stupid questions about their jobs.

- Z