After a comprehensive nationwide study of nearly 50,000 postmenopausal women, lasting eight years and costing over $400M, the National Institutes of Health determined that it doesn't fucking matter what you eat, and promptly buried the results. Particpants cut back their fat calories from 37% to 29%, increased fruit, vegetable, and grain intake by 25%, and cut back an average of 360 calories per day for eight full years, and were closely monitored to ensure that they remained on the diet. Results? Weight loss in the healthy eaters was only about 1.5lb, and furthermore did not reduce their risk of cardiovascular disease, breast cancer, or colorectal cancer. And so I present to you:

THE (e:zobar) MIRACLE DIET!

When you are not hungry, do not eat. When you become hungry, think about what you want to eat, and then eat it. When you are full, stop eating and go on with the rest of your life. That's it!

The (e:zobar) Miracle Diet has the best food of any diet plan out there, because it's exactly what you want! You will never mindlessly stuff your face with Low-Fat Kardboard Krisps just to stave off hunger between unappetizing and inadequate frozen meals or Nutrient Shakes! You'll have all kinds of free time, since you won't have to spend it calculating calories or counting cards! You'll feel like a person in charge of his life, and not like a pathetic fatso with no willpower! And when compared with the best long-term diet that the NIH has ever devised, it's only about 1.5lb less effective.

People say that's easy for you to say, Mr. BMI 17. Maybe you don't realize this, but my weight has caused me problems for my whole life. People who are not dieticians regularly use social gatherings as opportunities to tell me I need to go on a diet. People judge me by the food I eat. People will tell my close relations that my weight is a reflection of their poor character. That's fucking bullshit! i say. I am a healthy individual, I can eat what I want, and I do. Food is a wonderful thing, and you should enjoy it.

- Z

I think passport photos are specifically designed to make everyone look like terrorists, in order to keep the customs agents on their toes. I've been practicing my passport photos in the mirror.



Personally, I think Pixel Dave over here in the right margin is more accurate than anything you'd ever get out of a disinterested minimum-wage photo clerk at Walgreen's, but sadly I think Condoleezza Rice would beg to differ.

And for those of you who are wondering about my real life, I have managed to land a freelance gig for the next month or so with a company that would like to hire me full-time when it becomes feasible. For fellow job-seekers: when buttering up potential future employers, ad-hoc beer requisition is key to your success.

- Z

So my mom gave (e:dragonlady7) some tickets to Lord of the Dance for Christmas. She thinks it's because mom secretly hates her. I thought it was a nice thing to do, because B's into celtic crap, and these are really good tickets. Either way it's not really our scene, man. The tickets say no exchanges! What the hell is that?

So we're selling them, and if we can recoup I'd like to use the money to get tickets for B.B. King next Saturday instead. If you want to go, send me or (e:dragonlady7) a message off-list ... and we promise not to publicize your secret unholy love for Michael Flatley.


Buy my tickets...

---
Edited to add:
Rice milk, oddly enough, tastes like rice. And coffee that tastes like rice is a little disconcerting, in that it should taste much worse than it does.

- Z

(e:dragonlady7) says she thinks time should be a boolean. Either it's time, or it's not time. When people ask what time it is, nobody cares what the numbers are; they only want to know if it's time or not.

I quit my job today. I don't have any plans - but when it's time, there's no sense arguing.

- Z

...'cause you can't afford the ticket.

This shit is messed up, yo! I went to Wegs to pick up some stuff for my poor sick honey ...Sudafed? Used to be like $15 for a tiny box, wicked medicine-head but it works real well? I guess if you take like an enormous pile of it and mix it up with some cat piss you get crystal meth. And in this post-9/11 world we just can't afford to have people eating Sudafed with a cat-piss chaser.

I went to Wegmans and saw this stuff called Sudafed PE. It has the same name and it costs just as much except it doesn't do anything. [I've tried.] I did not see the good stuff. Then I saw this rack of little cards that you're supposed to bring up to the counter, like at a video store. Sure I'll play along.

'Can I help who's next?'

Went up to the counter. Kid was still clicking around in his computer-box. 'Yeah I'd like to buy a box of crystal meth.'

'Sure, I'll be right ... wait, what did you say?' The girl next to him was giggling. I gave him the tag. 'The generic stuff OK?'

'No, he wants the name-brand meth. Ninety-seven octane.' Pharmacist humor, I guess.

'Lemme get the book.' There's a book! You give the little shit your driver's license and write down your name in a book! What the fuck is that?! Now my name is in a secret government database of extremely small meth labs and people with stuffy noses. The kid rolled his eyes; I'm sure he's heard it all before.

'If you think this is bad,' I said, 'there's a dude over in Albany, and his entire job is to type these into a big stupid database.'

'Whatever. That'll be $2.25.' $2.25! I think the loss of privacy is worth the $12.75 a box, don't you?

---

I don't really know who started this rumor going around work now that I'm quitting. It would be unprofessional to get into it but it certainly does seem that my chances of remaining employed through next week have taken a sudden, unexpected, and precipitous nosedive over the past few days. Anybody hiring? Will work for food.

- Z

You ever notice how cemeteries never seem to fill up? People die all the damn time, but there's always huge amounts of empty space in cemeteries. So I asked.

From: (e:zobar)
Sent: Thursday, February 21, 2008 11:22 AM
To: flc@forest-lawn.com
Subject: Where does everybody go?

I think this is weird: people are dying all the time, but cemeteries never seem to get any fuller. Forest Lawn has been around for over 150 years, but there's still some pretty large sections that are totally empty. I know these are kind of weird questions, but: Where do you put everybody? About how long do you estimate before Forest Lawn is full? And then what?

curiously,
- Z

From: Betty Boyd
Date: Thu, Feb 21, 2008 at 12:59 PM
Subject: FW: Where does everybody go?
To: (e:zobar)

Thank you very much for your interest in our Forest Lawn cemetery.

Currently we have 155,069 permanent residents buried here at Forest Lawn. We estimate to have burial space for at least 50 years or more.

Each of our full size graves allow for one casket burial and one cremated body burial, or two cremated body burials.

We also have available above ground burial space in our mausoleums. (this also conserves land space).

Forest Lawn was the first cemetery in our area to build a community mausoleum, and we are very proud of that. Our newest mausoleum is Serenity. We have crypts for caskets and niches for cremated bodies available.

We are always looking out for our future needs.

When anything is sold here, burial space, grave stone markers, benches, urns, crypts niches and the, a portion of the purchase price includes monies that have to be transferred to our permanent maintenance fund. We are regulated by the NYS division of cemeteries, and we must make this transfer. This will allow for the long term maintenance of the grounds and our facilities.

When we have no room left for burial space, we will then be somewhat like a museum. Folks will always have this beautiful park like place called Forest Lawn to visit, share memories, enjoy the nature, the art pieces and monuments left as legacy to be remembered by.

If you have any other questions, contact me anytime.

Have a good day.

Betty Boyd
Your Representative
Forest Lawn Cemeteries
1411 Delaware Avenue
Buffalo, NY 14209
716-885-1600

On the one hand, it's a little weird that they refer to their customers as 'permanent residents,' but on the other hand I kind of dig it. So if they average about 1,000 new permanent residents every year, the total capacity for their 269 acres is around 200,000. That means they average about 60 sq ft per person, which is a lot more than I was expecting. [Much of that is landscaping and roads, but still.] So Forest Lawn is filling up at the rate of 160 sq ft per day, which is 10'x16' - kind of a lot, but not really noticeable when there's 60 acres to spare.

My name is Dave, and I am a weirdo who emails people to ask them stupid questions about their jobs.

- Z

Old business:

(e:zobar,42527) Taylor pork rolls are available at Wegman's/Niagara Falls Blvd for $6.19/lb. In New Jersey you could buy four slices at a time if you wanted to [which is just about all I could eat, like, in my entire life] but up here this is the only size you can get. They look pretty gross but thin-sliced and pan-fried they're actually pretty decent.


(e:zobar,42927) 'Unintelligible' = Antony and the Johnsons. What the fuck is this?

New Business:

I've got a yeasty ecosystem on top of my fridge and it's freaking me out! Somebody at work gave me Herman - she didn't want to throw him out because he's sort of alive. I've heard he makes good coffeecake and waffles. But by Sunday I'll have some offspring that I also don't want to throw out - anybody want some?

- Z

Thursday night we were invited over to a coworker's house for a cocktail party and had a wonderful time. Sitting on the table among all their decadent homemade desserts was a bowl of Russian chocolates, sticking out like Roger Moore at a Sean Connery convention. Forget the chocolate-raspberry torte, I'm going straight for the 'Krasnyj Oktyabr.' Perhaps some day I should learn Russian, as that would have raised a bright red flag. Rule for living: confectioners should not be named after Communist revolutions, and Red October is no exception. The only word on any of the wrappers I could puzzle out was 'Konfety,' but I guess it actually means 'candy.' Go figure. Here's their full catalog, if you're interested .

Alenka

OK, he didn't have any of these but I really dig the illustration. You get an idea of the challenges here: there's no possible way of knowing what's inside based solely on the wrapper. 'Alenka,' by the way, is a character in an obscure Cossack myth which translates best as 'hell-baby.' Beats me why you'd name a candy after that.


Zolotoe sufle apelsinovoe
'The Golden Orange Souffle'

This was an unusually informative wrapper, as was the one with a big pineapple on it. Considering that the places where you find oranges and pineapples growing are pretty much the opposite of Moscow, even I didn't have enough faith in the Russian science program to reproduce their flavor. Next!

Rakobye shejki

Thank you, Google Language Tools - you bring me more joy than you could ever possibly imagine.

Korovka
'Little Cow'

We all agreed this one was definitely not chocolate. Somebody said, 'maybe it's like a Bit-O-Honey.' Sure, or maybe it's like granulated Bit-O-Honey with a strong margarine aftertaste. Funny, I never felt that was missing from the original.

Krasnaya shapochka
'Red Cap'

You know how a little while ago they started making biodegradable packing peanuts out of soy? They don't really taste like much, and it turns out that melting a Swiss Cake Roll over them doesn't really improve the situation.

Bolshebnaya flejta
'Magic Flute'

This was the only one I couldn't finish. I'll cut the suspense: it is chocolate filled with sweetened wet sand. I said as much, and although I couldn't see this being in any way compelling, (e:dragonlady7) wanted a bite. I don't know if she didn't believe me or what. Then the host came by and asked what it tasted like. 'Wet sand,' we said. He took another piece from the bowl, bit into it and exclaimed, 'that's astonishing!' [but not in a good way]. He theorized that in the depths of a very long, very dark St Petersburg winter, perhaps this might remind you of that vacation you took on the Crimean, when you got sand in your teeth. Maybe that's a pleasant memory for you, and maybe this candy is all you need to take you back to that special time. I sure hope so, because otherwise this is some really ill shit.

- Z

Out at the bar last night, Extreme Cagefighting came on the TV. I'd never really watched it before. A couple dudes in a cage throw a couple punches, then they start rolling around on the ground together. The bartender came up, looked at the TV for a minute and said huh, looks like prison sex. Then he changed the channel.



Chita Rivera is a lover and a fighter. She does this thing every morning when I get out of the shower, where she'll be sitting on my towel all cute-like, and when I go to pet her belly she kicks my naked wet ass. She'll pull my hand in with her front claws and bite my fingers, all the while kicking my forearm with her back claws. This is not cool. So I'm really proud that I managed to come up with a kitty submission hold where she can't scratch me long enough that I can get my towel. If I put my hand across her chest right under her front legs, she can't reach me with her front legs, it's too high up for her back legs, and too close to her chin to bite. [nb: This also makes her really mad.]

- Z

So locally it looks like the Obamists got out earlier with their campaign signs but the Clintonites used their late arrival to their advantage - all up and down Delaware Ave there's a Clinton sign posted three inches directly in front of every Obama sign. Do people really look at these signs and say, you know what? I was going to vote for Obama but I see someone's stuck a Clinton sign in front of it, so maybe she'll be a better leader of the free world. Or, my favorite, there's always the dense cluster outside the polling place, as close as is legally possible, because you'd get out of your snuggy bed, put on your coat and shoes, leave the house, and go to your assigned polling place without having already made your decision.

They're saying that since I'm not registered as a Democrat or Republican that I can't vote in the primary today. Fuck that shit, I say.

Everybody enjoy a good protest? Says something weird about our generation that we're protesting against Tom Cruise harder than we're protesting against the war, but I can't disagree that he's a total asshat. It's close enough to RPCI, you guys should stop by and hang out. If we covered their protest, do you think they'd stop hanging out in our office?

From: buffalo anon <buffaloanon@gmail.com>
Subject: Demonstration against Scientology in Buffalo

I am writing to request that you cover an upcoming demonstration against of the Church of Scientology in Buffalo. The demonstration will be held on February 10th at 11AM at their Main St location in coordination with with similar protests outside of every church of Scientology around the world.

More information regarding this day of protest can be found in recent media coverage in the Guardian and the Economist.





I feel that the protest is especially relevant to Western New York since it is here in 2003 that the Perkins tragedy occurred.



The Church of Scientology is a dangerous cult that destroys lives, tears apart families, and can be harmful to its members mental and physical health. Church members are not allowed to remain in personal contact with anyone who speaks against their church or their founder or who seeks medical care they do not permit, a rule which has destroyed families as people end contact with their parents, children, and siblings in order to remain in the cult.

Again, I ask that you consider covering both the global movement against Scientology as well as the local protest on Sunday.

Regards,
Anonymous

- Z