I'm not quite sure why I'm posting right now...but hey, why not?

I guess I will go ahead and give ye olde college try at the post I've been thinking about posting. Post haste? Posty post.

The comments I received about Octo-mom were what I expected, to say the least. I believe it was (e:jason) who told me that my gut was telling me that I agreed with the comments, and the truth, he is right. And that is the subject that I want to deal with...

I believe that our "guts"..intuition, instinct, whathaveyou, are culturally and socially shaped and manipulated and that often enough, those values that inform our guts are products not of our own making, but reflect and in turn shape the culture that we live in. This is, on a side note, one of my issues with liberalism and individualism that this country was supposedly founded on. I could go off here on about identity politics and the like, but I will refrain.

Yes, my gut tells me that octo-mom is irresponsible. My gut also tells me that I should be afraid of poor neighborhoods were mostly people of color live because they have been labeled "ghettos," places of violence and poverty. My gut tells me to cringe when homeless people come up to me and ask if I cans or bottles or change. My gut tells me that the cranky woman behind the counter at wilson's farms is a rude bitch who needs to effin relax. My gut tells me that my girlfriend never notices that I scoop the kitty litter every day. My gut tells me to tell one of my client's mom that she is fat and lazy and needs to get up off the couch and clean her damn house. When I was young my gut told me that abortion was terrible, until I thought I was pregnant at 15.

So you see, my point is, that if we followed our guts and refused to step back from the situation, we wouldn't get anywhere.

Felly and I were driving home from...somewhere and decided to follow the map via the straightest route, which ended up taking us through a poor part of the city. I felt scared but then began to ask myself, why do I feel this way? What must it be like to live here, to grow up here? How does my skin color, the place where I grew up and now live shape my feelings about this place?

I once had a man come up to me carrying empty bottles who was obviously drunk. I was totally grossed out and wanted to get away from him, but then he said, in reference to Ralphie, " I always wanted a dog." How nice I thought, sarcastically, and then he continued, "I always wanted a dog and mother." Who knows what this guy went through to get there in front of my house carrying empty forty bottles. How lucky am I?

My example could go on, but I don't think they are necessary.

My point is that we have been conditioned to believe that what we "feel" in our guts is our own, is instinctual, natural, objective. But what we fail to remember is that we all come from somewhere. I grew up in a middle class home where my parents were and still are married. That home was in a 99% white, middle class farming community in "upstate" NY. New York is located on the eastern coast of the United States and all of these and more have brainwashed me in some way or another. The amount of possibilities of ways of looking at and living in this world are almost infinite and to think that something is absolute because our guts tell us that something is wrong will get us nowhere.

I guess here is the point where I should be prepared for backlash. I know I am often on here spouting what I think is right and wrong, what my values and morals are. I don't want to put out there that one shouldn't have values, because obviously I do, we all do in some way or another. I guess what I'm calling for is a more rounded, more obtuse approach to passing judgment and making claims of morality. I think that if we could all open up just a little bit more, to see the possibilities of why things are, how they came to be, what they may or may not mean, we might be able to move forward a bit.

Warning: Contains offensive language!



If you can ignore that misogynist bs that is spewing out of Lil John's mouth, this is actually quite catchy.

Also, I read all the comments from the previous post. I have been formulating a post about political morality vs. gut feelings/reactions, but it's not ready yet.

Sigh...ok, so for my job I have to do notes via the computer... but every time I log into the website I get this:

ERROR:
Cannot locate proxy which supports Remote Scripting.
Was RSEnableRemoteScripting method evoked?

I installed Java and enabled it in a bunch of places but no luck. Every site I look at it is in developer language that I don't speak, let alone understand.

Oh...and that is the message I get when I use Internet Explorer. I can't even get to that page when I use Mozilla.

Por Favor...

Reproductive Rights means more than having the ability to have the option of abortion...it also means that women have the right to HAVE children. The key word here is CHOICE. This is a tricky commentary I've been struggling with over the last few days...but I will do my best.

By now you should have at least heard of the "Octuplet Mom" that is all over the damn tabloids and news stations.



She is getting all kinds of flack...including something the other day about a gun. I dunno. It's tempting, don't get me wrong, to think, what the hell is she doing? She already had a bunch of kids, she has no husband and no job and now she's got eight infants on her hands. Who will support these kids, America wonders. We will! That's what's going on in most people's minds I imagine.

Before I get into this...I want to remind those of you who don't watch TV, or at least not quality programming such as these shows...that there are many, many women who have tons...yes, TONS of kids... and who are not getting half...or any of the negative responses that Octuplet Mom is getting. For example:




John and Kate plus Eight have their own show on TLC...and the only reason they have their own show is because they have EIGHT kids. The show chronicles the trials and tribulations of raising such a large family and there is always commentary by John and Kate where they are all made up and sitting in chairs alone looking calm and relaxed. The picture of a happy, heterosexual, married couple who just happen to have kids.

Then there is this show with the Dungar Family:




They have, I believe, 18 or 19 kids! They are of some religion where you can't use birth control, obviously. They home school all their children and have a real estate business to provide for the little fundamentalist army they have spawned. Once again, happy heterosexual couples who are married and ready to keep producing, and America is ready to keep watching in awe. Maybe a little disgust, but once again, not half the flack that the single Octuplet mom is receiving...



Sigh.

The point here is not to say that John and Kate Plus Eight or The Dungar Family should be getting more negative attention for reproducing as much as they are, but really looking at why Octuplet Mom IS getting so much. We approve of certain women reproducing, and that approval seems to have no bounds when it comes to how many that particular woman can reproduce. She must be married, obviously, to a man who can support her babies for her, and she must be at least middle class or higher. Preferably she should be white...although I guess if she meets enough of the other criteria that would prevent her from being labeled a "welfare queen," then we might let that one slip.

May I remind my dear readers that women, women of color, immigrant women, poor women of color especially, disabled women, and mentally ill women were STERILIZED against their will in this country. Why? Who decides?

Women's reproductive abilities have long long long been used against us. Whether we were having too many babies or not enough, whether they were white babies or light skinned babies or healthy babies or boy babies or whatever the hell men wanted at the time.

So basically, what I am trying to say is this. I understand the temptations. I fight with it myself sometimes. the almost instinctual judgment wells up and we say, you shouldn't have babies that you can't take care of. It seems so simple. But it is not. We are talking about a long and complicated history of women's bodies being used as a tool to manipulate, abuse, coerce, and blame women. And history is not some giant in the hillside that no longer haunts the villagers.

Felly and I spent Valentines snuggled on the couch in our PJ's...cause that's how we roll. Not that I'm not into V-Day...just that I'm not that into it that I put crazy amounts of stock in it and get all worked up about it being perfect. I was hungover, and she was more hungover. We had frozen pizza for dinner. Tell me that's not romance.

I took Ralphie for a walk today...his first walk in a VERY long time. Maybe I'm a bad mommy, but he hates the cold too, so we haven't gone since maybe October. It was nice today though and made me want nothing more than to go outside in a tank top and flip flops and be comfortable. That to me is nice.

Oh yes and I got fingerprinted today! I was quite impressed with fingerprinting technology...I don't know what I was expecting... ink and paper? But that's some fancy stuff they got there.

Oh right...speaking of...I had to go and privatize my facebook and my myspace cause...well, its best I spose. I never really had anything to hide before...not that I really do now, but for my own safety and well being I guess its the right thing...you can still find me on estrip, but hopefully there isn't anything too damaging on here :)

i slept till 930 today and it was amazing. I did wake up around 530 but happily went back to sleep.

I have been waking up at 530 for the last three days in a row for my training, which is thankfully now over. the training was pretty good... not as terribly boring as i expected it to be. they have some pretty good techniques for dealing with kids and being a "teacher"...but i can't help but wonder how three days of lectures and mini role plays can really prepare you for working one on one with kids.

i know that when it comes down to it though, you can't really prepare. its like someone explaining to you exactly how to drive a car. it doesn't really click until you get there and do it yourself...and do it awhile before you are good at that. i also think that there is much that i can learn from kids...just like i hope they will learn from me. its all about the process i suppose

anyway, I am now a certified Direct Care Worker in the Wraparound program for Erie Country. I know how to deflect the punch of a cute little lady who was my partner for that exercise, and the correct steps of "preventative teaching," and crisis intervention. we shall see about that.

1. I am not sure if I am doing this right...

2. When I was in high school I was in the band, orchestra, marching band, pep band and chorus. I also played the hand bells at church. Now I don't play anything.

3. I went to SUNY New Paltz to major in theater. I came out with a degree in Women's Studies.

4. I am currently writing my Master's Thesis.

5. I was born in Oklahoma and haven't been there in over 10 years even though I have tons of family there. I want to go back but I am afraid that they will judge me.

6. I am obsessed with black women's fiction.

7. I just got my first "real" job...at 25.

8. I am out to my parents...and they love my girlfriend.

9. I hate the cold, but I love to ski.

10. I got "best eyes" my senior year of high school.

11. I miss my New Paltz friends sometimes...and I miss New Paltz in general.

12. Cleaning makes me feel happy and accomplished.

13. I believe in ghosts, but I don't know if I believe in an afterlife. Explain that one.

14. I hate being the center of attention, but I crave the spotlight.

15. I am a hoarder. I keep everything. Notes from high school. New Kids on the Block collector cards. Trolls. I have them all.

16. My older brother lives in Seattle. I am extremely proud and jealous of him. My younger brother still lives at home and I'm not sure if he will ever really know how much I worry about him. I am the middle child and only girl.

17. My mom told me that my dad thinks I "walk on water".

18. I used to suck my thumb. I used to bite my nails. I used to chew on my hair. Now I smoke cigarettes, even though I think they are gross. I am a nervous person.

19. I am nostalgic about the past. I can't quite seem to connect all the parts of me.

20. I have never had a one night stand.

21. I hate shopping, but I love getting new clothes.

22. If I could, I would wear tank tops all year.

23. I have to get fingerprinted next week.

24. I managed to get through all my stupidities without ever being arrested. I am good at not getting caught and playing the part of good girl.

25. I want a baby someday....

My new job titles are "Individual Service Specialist" and " Respite Care Provider II".

ISS
"Provides in-home/community skill building to individuals with Mental Health Diagnoses.

RII
"Provides in-home respite care to individuals ages five through seventeen with a MHD.


This is the very very very basic descriptions of my jobs. Yesterday I spent 45 minutes reading and signing my life away. They now have access to my SS#, my bank account, my drivers license and my gf's name. They know every address I've lived at since I was two years old and chances are they watch me when I pee.

Just kidding...a little.

Both of my job titles came with three page long descriptions of duties, requirements, qualifications, etc. It's enough to intimidate someone. My mother is a "keyboard specialist" for Broome County Developmental which is a state run agency and she is basically a paper sorter. She goes on and on about how much useless and unnecessary paperwork there is for every single thing that every single client has ever done since they were out of the womb. My mother often rewrites her superiors work so that their wording fits the guidelines of what the state finds acceptable in their paperwork. My mom's a smart lady. She got a 100 on the civil service exam. But she doesn't believe in evolution. Go figure.

Sigh. And so it goes....

Two summers ago felly and I went to Wal-Mart and got two plants. One was a soft green plant with broad rounded edges and the other was a dark green pointy plant with long trunk like things. When we were in line checking out a girl in front of us had the same to plants and she said said that she got them because one was feminine, for her, and the other was masculine, for her boyfriend. I hadn't really thought about it like that...but sure. whatever.

I think both felly and I have discussed the problem of our cats, Max in particular, of have a taste for plants, so Spike was always being chomped on and had stubs where his long spikey tendrils should have been. But he lived. This morning however, he was murdered. I had gotten up, peed, and poured myself a cop of coffee before I saw the gruesome scene.

There was so much dirt I couldn't even see the plant anymore. The pot was upside and to one side, while I saw the large roots sticking straight into the air. The dirt was concentrated on one area but then spread in two to three feet in either direction. I sighed. Poor Spike. What a way to wake up. I got to cleaning up the dirt and discovered what was left of the decapitated spikey leaves that were apparently his masculine trait. Now nothing but a sad story to blog about.

So, we are down to one plant. This one, feminine plant has survived perhaps even more than spike did. We thought we were helping her when we put in the sun last summer, only to watch her slowly shrivel and get sun burned. Apparently she is an indoor plant and needs only indirect light. After her near death experience however, she came back and is now bigger and more beautiful then ever.

3 weeks of winter left. I am looking forward to spring so i can plant some flowers outside where they are (a little more) safe from my cats.


Oh yes. Notes on the job....

Had to get a PPD test yesterday...apparently they are checking to see if I was exposed to Tuberculosis...the nurses at the office were craaazay, in that women who work together kind of way. Then I went to the Social Security office on Sheridan which was a trip. Weird. This is why I hate the government. Oh yeah and apparently "they" think (ie. have in their computer) that I was born in California, when really, I was born in Oklahoma. How this happens, I don't know. My passport says Oklahoma...I have never even been to California. Ah well. And today I have an appt. for 45 minutes of paperwork. I have gathered my degree, my passport and the paper that says I have a social security card on the way. (e:janelle) says I get fingerprinted too. Maybe I will find out some more things about myself that I don't know.