i am dying of insomnia. i will die. i know it. i feel like i'm half way there. someone help me?

i did not sleep the last two nights at all, and the only reason i slept in toronto is because i had some ambien. AND even when i had the ambien, i was still up 3 or 4 times a night.

WWWWHHHHYYYY MMMMMEEEEEE?

if this continues, i will kill myself.

ugh...i'm so hungover....blah

and my knees are bruised.

and i have little butterflies in my stomach. ;)

people, if you've never seen phantom of the opera, you are missing a sensational show! i know it may seem corny and lame, but i cannot begin to tell you how fucking fantastic the show was. in fact, it was so fantastic, that i am taking my ass back to the theater to see the show again, tonight!

we sat in the second balcony today, and although you got a nice view of the whole stage, it was quite a distance away from the stage. in order to get a better view, i'm going back tonight and sitting in the first row. for 50 bucks a ticket, you can't go wrong.

this really is one of the most spectacular productions ever made. the costumes are brilliant; bejeweled and shiny, the stage setup is exceptional and the over all show is truly unforgettable. this really is one of those shows that one MUST see during their life time. i had shivers during the climactic scenes and my eyes watered at the end. the audience gave a standing ovation to the cast and i felt like a little girl, feverishly clapping my hands when the phantom took his bow.

that phantom....he's so misunderstood. he's my kind of guy.

i wanted to see "we will rock you" in toronto, like (e:metalpeter) mentioned, but the tickets are so bloody expensive, that it appears that only super rich and well-off people are allowed to enjoy the theater. they run around 220-240 per ticket! can you believe it?

i mean i know that broadway tix are that expensive, but i didn't know that toronto tickets are that pricey too.

instead, we are going to see phantom. i know, i know, just about everyone has seen that show at some point or other, but i actually saw it in high school and i could stand to see it again. luckily, the show is in it's final run at the prince of whales theater, so instead of the 90-180 dollar tickets, they are selling ALL remaining seats for 50 bucks. the show ends next week, so it looks like we JUST made it.

(e:ladycroft), we are staying in the same exact location we stayed when we came here last time except that my hotel is across from the comfort inn. we ate at ho-lee-chow today! where are those pictures from that visit? why don't i still know how to link to journals? why am i so lame?

i do love toronto. i don't think we realize what a world class city we have right under our nose. i want to move here and learn how to speak canadian.

on another note, i have been forced to read harry potter, 5th book, and am now totally potterized. this was my first harry potter book that i have read in its entirety. i remember reading the first couple to faben when she was just a wee bit old (hee hee), but could never really get into it. she went on to become a potter fanatic. i think i had a snobbish attitude about it, thinking that i was too sophisticated to read such childish crap. but just recently, because faben has been nagging me so terribly, and probably because i have a shit load of work that i am so good at avoiding, i gave in, only to find that it actually is pretty darn good.

i can't wait for the movie to come out, and i think i have a total crush on snape. he is so dark, mysterious, moody, angry and tormented, precisely what makes a man sexy. definitely hotness material, but most certainly NOT relationship material. on the other hand, we all know that relationships are boring. silent, dark and internally tortured men are HOT!


i decided that i am back into men. i mean, i've always been into them, but lately i've had very little interest. however, i think my interest in that whole male/female interaction is returning. i wish i was still flying. i could have a boyfriend in every city and then it would never get boring like normal relationships do. i remember this cute, , rastafarian boyfriend in st. croix. although he was blonde with blue eyes, he was definitely croixian. i guess when the danes colonized the island, they left more than just architecture behind. (ok, seriously...i don't even know if they left any architectural styles behind, but they did sure leave some cute genes)

i wont have many pictures to post, as i don't have a digital camera anymore. just recently, marvin took the one i had, which was actually his from when we lived together as man and nag. i only have my phone camera which i guess would suffice, but i forgot the charger at home. so, there are only a few pictures of the hotel room and the science center that i'll come home with, unless the camera lasts longer than expected.

seriously, why are emotionally unstable men so sexy? i can't get them out of my head.

so i made it out of buffalo last night. i took a 4 day break and booked a fantastic hotel in toronto. i have tons of pics but i can't post from my phone, cuz...well...i'm in canada and it's not working.

we have a sweeeet room, with 2 tv's, dvd players, fat robes and a delicious breakfast buffet. i'm not big on breakfast buffets but this one is very, very tasty. we also have a tiny kitchenette and real silverware and dishes and fridge and stove and microwave. and the pool is awesome. there are rooftop jacuzzis that overlook the entire city. it is just breathtaking. i want to come for a romantic getaway here, like now!

the pool


the rooftop


rooms


it's unnatural how much i love hotel rooms. i guess thats one of the main reasons why i loved flying. it's because i got to stay in hotel rooms all the time. people told me that i would eventually get sick of them, but i never did. i miss hotels.

today we are headed to the ontario science center.

i suck i know...

hey greg, if youre reading this....i'm sorry i didn't call you all weekend....sorry i didn't return your call on sunday.....and i'm sorry i didn't call you all week. i promise i'll make it up. don't go reading into it or anything. it's nothing, i promise.

i'll take you out to dinner soon.


but first,

i'm going away for the weekend, to detox...er...or cleanse myself or something. i took thursday and friday off and i'm skipping town.

more to come.

father tries to kill baby in microwave....

did anyone else see this???

a two month old baby, and the mother says the father would never do something like this, it was actually the devil that was working through him, not the father.

i don't get it.....why microwave? ok, listen....i'm not for killing babies, nor do i think it's by any means acceptable, ok, or excusable, but if you are going to kill your baby, why put it in the microwave? why wouldnt you just suffocate it or something like that? why make it so much more grosser and disturbing than it already is?

ohh...just watched the pursuit of happyness. if that is not the all time feel good movie....i don't know what is. it made me mad, it made me laugh and lord knows it sure made me cry. the director says...that is what makes a man happy, having a job.....to move forward. i couldn't agree more. a job where you feel needed, and appreciated and valued. a job where you feel significant, where what you do and what you say, makes a difference to those around you.

hmmm.....that kind of sounds like what a person looks for in a relationship. maybe that's why i am not lonely, or sad or feel like i want someone to share things with. i don't ever sit there and think to myself..."aww...i wish i had someone to watch this movie with" or ever feel like things would be so much better if i could have someone in my life to share this with.

my guess is that this feeling will not last forever, although it's been going strong for about a year and a half now. i'm sure everyone will hear about it when it ends.

i wish i could be as determined and hard working as that guy in the movie, was. i HATE laziness. that is probably the trait i hate the most in myself and most definitely in others. i hate when people do half assed attempts at doing their job. for christ's sake, don't wait for me to tell and explain everything to you, make an effort to figure it out yourself!!! who the hell do you think told me????

faben's laziness makes my blood curdle too. she needs to be taught some kind of lesson. like some huge famine needs to come along and show her what it really means to bust your ass.

UGH!!!

anyway..

finally marvin has stopped being a lazy wannabe artist, that thinks that one day his luck will get him where he needs to be. finally he is realizing what hard work really means. he's been working two jobs, one doing landscaping form 7am to 3pm and the other waiting tables from 5-9pm. he works this schedule everyday of the week, monday through sunday with no breaks and no excuses.

welcome to the real world. in the real world, no one wants to hear how you WISH you could do this or that but you couldn't because.........., or you could have done something ONLY if ..... ....or you might have been able to do it if x, y, or z didn't get in your way! that is SUCH a turn off. either do it, or shut the fuck up.

no one wants to hear your excuses. no one cares why you are late or why something is not done. all that matters is that you failed, and you most likely did not do EVERYTHING in your power to get it done. There will always be someone else willing and waiting to do what you could not.

i hate excuses more than i hate laziness.

as lazy as i am, i try not to make too many excuses for my laziness. i know i deserve everything i got for my laziness. i know I could have done much better. ugh....i make me sick.

anyway...

my mom is leaving for a month. so if any boys want to come over and try to feel me up in my bed, now's your chance. but you have to come here, because i never leave my house anymore. and when you come over, you can only stay until my boobies are felt, and then you have to pack up and go. i'm lazy and it's too much work being social.

i went to the susan g komen luncheon on saturday. it is an annual luncheon put together for breast cancer survivors. the susan g komen foundation also supports a LOT of research and donates a lot of money to a lot of organizations. i think i recall listening to NPR a few times and hearing that this, that or other show was made possible by the susan g komen foundation. one of my two bosses was the keynote speaker, so i was excited to be there to cheer her on.

mmm...i had my weekly massage today. it never lasts long enough. i could sit there for hours and hours. i decided to cut back to only getting the massage done every other week, but instead i increased the time from an hour to an hour and a half. ideally i would like at least two hours. there is a woman there who does thai massages, which are done on the floor on a yoga mat and can last anywhere from an hour and a half to three hours. the woman does all kinds of things to you like stand on your back and pull on your arms and legs. i'm not sure how i would feel about something like that. i want to be able to walk the next day. i also don't want to shell out $185 for a three hour massage that will make me hurt...badly.

i wish i could do a media dump, but my camera on my phone sux. why wont they finally make a fucking camera phone that takes semi decent pictures??? how fucking hard can it be??

i bought faben a bicycle last week. why was the cheapest bike in the shop $300? when did bicycles get so expensive? they had the cutest bikes there though, like this one......






it's pink and covered in hearts!!! too bad it was like $450!

this is our food at the luncheon. it wasnt bad at all. and they even had a vegetarian entree for my non flesh eating coworker.




i can't stress enough how much i love working at roswell. our park is so beautiful this time of the year, and it's so lovely to see people really enjoying the park and sitting out there, soaking in the sun and view. often times we have performers and a couple of weeks ago we had a wonderfully talented violinist do a set. she was the prettiest little thing ever. She was beautiful and graceful and she is also a breast cancer survivor who formed an organization of whom the name i've forgotten. its something along the lines of "artists for breast cancer". She has performed with so many symphonies and artists from around the world. i've never seen a violinist perform. it was fascinating. when the former president of roswell, handed her a bouquet of flowers, i had to hold back tears. i love seeing passionate people doing what they love, whether it's science or art or philosophy or philanthropy. (but not religion. i don't want to see your passion for your religion, because being passionate about religion usually involves telling those around who are not as passionate as you about your beliefs, how wrong and bad and lost they are. no thanks, keep moving down the line.)

here is a picture of joan kwuon




and another one...



and one i got off of google....



and another...

Missing Image ;(

this is a quick biography taken from www.joankwuon.com

Born and raised in Los Angeles, Joan Kwuon made her solo debut at age twelve, performing the Mendelssohn Violin Concerto with the World Youth Symphony Orchestra. She holds advanced music degrees from Indiana University, The Juilliard School and the Cleveland Institute of Music and is a member of The Juilliard School Assistant Faculty.

A young breast cancer survivor, Ms. Kwuon is co-founder and president of the non-profit organization, Artists for Breast Cancer Survival, Inc., presenting Artists for the Cure at Carnegie Hall, a series of benefit concerts featuring such artists as Kristen Chenoweth, Roberta Flack, Denyce Graves, Mandy Patinkin, and Itzhak Perlman. ABCS has raised over 1 million dollars for research and patient care while celebrating life and music.

Joan Kwuon plays the "Mary Portman" Guarneri del Gesu, 1735, on generous extended loan from Karen and Clement Arrison through The Stradivari Society of Chicago.


did you get that last sentence? she played with a violin that was once owned and played by the composer, back in 1735, of the piece she was playing. how cool is that?

ohh...just watched the pursuit of happyness. if that is not the all time feel good movie....i don't know what is. it made me mad, it made me laugh and lord knows it sure made me cry. the director says...that is what makes a man happy, having a job.....to move forward. i couldn't agree more. a job where you feel needed, and appreciated and valued. a job where you feel significant, where what you do and what you say, makes a difference to those around you.

hmmm.....that kind of sounds like what a person looks for in a relationship. maybe that's why i am not lonely, or sad or feel like i want someone to share things with. i don't ever sit there and think to myself..."aww...i wish i had someone to watch this movie with" or ever feel like things would be so much better if i could have someone in my life to share this with.

my guess is that this feeling will not last forever, although it's been going strong for about a year and a half now. i'm sure everyone will hear about it when it ends.

i wish i could be as determined and hard working as that guy in the movie, was. i HATE laziness. that is probably the trait i hate the most in myself and most definitely in others. i hate when people do half assed attempts at doing their job. for christ's sake, don't wait for me to tell and explain everything to you, make an effort to figure it out yourself!!! who the hell do you think told me????

faben's laziness makes my blood curdle too. she needs to be taught some kind of lesson. like some huge famine needs to come along and show her what it really means to bust your ass.

UGH!!!

anyway..

finally marvin has stopped being a lazy wannabe artist, that thinks that one day his luck will get him where he needs to be. finally he is realizing what hard work really means. he's been working two jobs, one doing landscaping form 7am to 3pm and the other waiting tables from 5-9pm. he works this schedule everyday of the week, monday through sunday with no breaks and no excuses.

welcome to the real world. in the real world, no one wants to hear how you WISH you could do this or that but you couldn't because.........., or you could have done something ONLY if ..... ....or you might have been able to do it if x, y, or z didn't get in your way! that is SUCH a turn off. either do it, or shut the fuck up.

no one wants to hear your excuses. no one cares why you are late or why something is not done. all that matters is that you failed, and you most likely did not do EVERYTHING in your power to get it done. There will always be someone else willing and waiting to do what you could not.

i hate excuses more than i hate laziness.

as lazy as i am, i try not to make too many excuses for my laziness. i know i deserve everything i got for my laziness. i know I could have done much better. ugh....i make me sick.

anyway...

my mom is leaving for a month. so if any boys want to come over and try to feel me up in my bed, now's your chance. but you have to come here, because i never leave my house anymore. and when you come over, you can only stay until my boobies are felt, and then you have to pack up and go. i'm lazy and it's too much work being social.

i went to the susan g komen luncheon on saturday. it is an annual luncheon put together for breast cancer survivors. the susan g komen foundation also supports a LOT of research and donates a lot of money to a lot of organizations. i think i recall listening to NPR a few times and hearing that this, that or other show was made possible by the susan g komen foundation. one of my two bosses was the keynote speaker, so i was excited to be there to cheer her on.

mmm...i had my weekly massage on sunday. it never lasts long enough. i could sit there for hours and hours. i decided to cut back to only getting the massage done every other week, but instead i increased the time from an hour to an hour and a half. ideally i would like at least two hours. there is a woman there who does thai massages, which are done on the floor on a yoga mat and can last anywhere from an hour and a half to three hours. the woman does all kinds of things to you like stand on your back and pull on your arms and legs. i'm not sure how i would feel about something like that. i want to be able to walk the next day. i also don't want to shell out $185 for a three hour massage that will make me hurt...badly.

i wish i could do a media dump, but my camera on my phone sux. why wont they finally make a fucking camera phone that takes semi decent pictures??? how fucking hard can it be??

i bought faben a bicycle last week. why was the cheapest bike in the shop $300? when did bicycles get so expensive? they had the cutest bikes there though, like this one......






it's pink and covered in hearts!!! too bad it was like $450!

this is our food at the luncheon. it wasnt bad at all. and they even had a vegetarian entree for my non flesh eating coworker.




i can't stress enough how much i love working at roswell. our park is so beautiful this time of the year, and it's so lovely to see people really enjoying the park and sitting out there, soaking in the sun and view. often times we have performers and a couple of weeks ago we had a wonderfully talented violinist do a set. she was the prettiest little thing ever. She was beautiful and graceful and she is also a breast cancer survivor who formed an organization of whom the name i've forgotten. its something along the lines of "artists for breast cancer". She has performed with so many symphonies and artists from around the world. i've never seen a violinist perform. it was fascinating. when the former president of roswell, handed her a bouquet of flowers, i had to hold back tears. i love seeing passionate people doing what they love, whether it's science or art or philosophy or philanthropy. (but not religion. i don't want to see your passion for your religion, because being passionate about religion usually involves telling those around who are not as passionate as you about your beliefs, how wrong and bad and lost they are. no thanks, keep moving down the line.)

here is a picture of joan kwuon




and another one...



and one i got off of google....




and another...




this is a quick biography taken from www.joankwuon.com

Born and raised in Los Angeles, Joan Kwuon made her solo debut at age twelve, performing the Mendelssohn Violin Concerto with the World Youth Symphony Orchestra. She holds advanced music degrees from Indiana University, The Juilliard School and the Cleveland Institute of Music and is a member of The Juilliard School Assistant Faculty.

A young breast cancer survivor, Ms. Kwuon is co-founder and president of the non-profit organization, Artists for Breast Cancer Survival, Inc., presenting Artists for the Cure at Carnegie Hall, a series of benefit concerts featuring such artists as Kristen Chenoweth, Roberta Flack, Denyce Graves, Mandy Patinkin, and Itzhak Perlman. ABCS has raised over 1 million dollars for research and patient care while celebrating life and music.

Joan Kwuon plays the "Mary Portman" Guarneri del Gesu, 1735, on generous extended loan from Karen and Clement Arrison through The Stradivari Society of Chicago.


did you get that last sentence? she played with a violin that was once owned and played by the composer, back in 1735, of the piece she was playing. how cool is that?

the thing i think people are afraid to accept is that it's not that people who seem to be interested in us one minute and then not interested the other are playing games or doing it for kicks, but rather it's because they no longer like you.

that's why it's called, "talking", "dating", "hanging out" etc. the reason that person, that seemed so interested in you a couple of weeks ago, is no longer returning your calls, is because that person realized that they don't like you all that much, after all.

that's what happens. people spend time together and often times, one person decides that there is something about the other that they don't like, or something about them drives them crazy, or they are not as funny, smart, interesting, good looking or hot as they originally thought.

and i don't know why it's so hard for us to realize that. we then lie to ourselves and say it must have been that that person was a game player or was flaky or was fake or whatever.

the bottom line is that they just didn't like you. but you never, ever, hear anyone say that to themselves. no one ever sits down and says...hmm.....tom/dick/harry stopped calling me because he probably didn't think i was as great as i first seemed. instead we sit there and call tom/dick/harry all kinds of assholes, and pricks, and jerks and call him a fucking player and tell ourselves what a wonderful thing tom/dick/harry just lost.

tom/dick/harry didn't loose it, tom/dick/harry didn't really want it once he got to know it. plain and simple. not everyone is going to like you and definitely not everyone is going to like you once they get to know you.

and i know there are going to be people that are going to say that if tom/dick/harry felt that way about you then they should have told you, but that is complete bull. i don't think that i would want someone to say to me...hey, listen.....when i first met you i thought that you were super hot, but now that i've had sex with you, i'm actually pretty turned off.

or

hey, when i first met you i thought you had a pretty good head on your shoulders, but now that i've hung out with you, i think youre a fucking moron with chitterlings for brains.


call me crazy, but i want to be lied to. if people were actually that honest, it would be pretty fucking brutal. much worse than say....not returning your calls anymore. tell you what....for those people who still want complete honesty, let's just say that it's pretty safe to assume that if the person you were dating has dumped you, it's because you sucked in bed or you had a little dick or you are kind of ugly or youre very, very annoying. there....happy now?

don't fool yourself into thinking that the other person is always the asshole. often times it takes a while for people to figure out whether or not they like you and often times once people get to know the REAL you, you are not as attractive as you or they, thought you were. we are so scared of thinking that there are people out there that think that we are ugly, stupid, dull, anal, compulsive, neurotic, cowardly or controlling, and as much as we'd like to think that some of those qualities are endearing (theyre not) more often than not, they're a huge turn off.

so, yvonne....the universe stopped calling because you look like shit in the morning.......would you rather it had told you that to your ugly face? sweetie....honestly.....you should be thanking it for sparing your feelings, by ignoring you instead.