Today I found out that my ex-girlfriend got married, which is something that shouldn't bother me in the least, but for some reason I still feel sad about it. This is the girl that I've documented in the past in my journal, the one who pretty much ripped my heart out, cheated on me, etc. - really there should be no love lost but the news reminds me of how much of a colossal failure I really have been with ladies. Back then I was just "too nice" if that makes any sense. I let her walk all over me to an extent. Why I'm sharing one of the things I'm most ashamed of with you, I don't know, but I suppose this whole thing is an illustration of how mad at myself I am for letting someone get that far into me. This girl twisted me in knots! I'd rather jump out of a window than go through that again, but living is kind of sweet too, so what is a boy to do? This is the last girl I called my girlfriend and it's been about five years since I did anything other than "casual relations" so I suppose I've adjusted by just not letting anyone in at all.

If I'm being 100% stone cold honest with myself, despite all the stuff she put me through, I'd still be her friend and give her an ear if she needed it. I wish it weren't true and I hate myself for even having this sentiment, gotta tell you. The person singly responsible for the most pain I've ever dealt with, and I don't have it in me to hate her or never speak to her again. What the hell? I know that if I were listening to myself talk from the outside, I'd be saying "YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE FOR FEELING THAT WAY JOSH!" The guy she left me for was a real piece of work - locked her out of the house in the middle of winter, "allegedly" used his hands on her, etc. My spiteful side says that she deserves what she has - if that is what she wants then that is what she'll get. But I'm not living my life with spite - life is short and spite is poisonous.

In the end I think the reason why this news took me aback was because the whole episode reminds me of how for the first time in my life my judgment failed me, how I failed myself, that sometimes being wrong has deep personal consequences that aren't easily dealt with. At least I stopped asking myself silly introspective questions a few years ago. I accept part of the blame for the predicament I was in - I know both Ho sisters, had they been there, might have told me I was a pussy - and the bright side is that I learned what I don't want in a girl!

Some of my favorite pictures from the past year -

Walking home drunk from Fahrety's the evening of Taste of Buffalo... that Saturday is was 95 degrees outside.

My brother and my friend Andy, I can't explain what the object of attention was here.



Me, surveying my friend Walt and his gelato at Taste of Buffalo.



Me, and my extraordinarily good looking friends Andy and Jerry, followed by my kinfolk (e:jason), who is a fine mamma jamma in his own right.



Me and one of the statues on Elmwood... I was tanked.



My friend Andrea with the same statue...

Today's Events

I think thus far today has been a success. Depending, of course, if you define success by running into (e:lee), Rory and (e:ladycroft)! They caught me looking rough and doing my normal day off routine, which is to stumble over to Spot not too long after I've gotten up and grab a coffee. It was a pleasant surprise indeed.

The part about (e:strip) which I think may be unusual for people being introduced to the site is the concept that even mundane things in your life end up being documented, and thus you find yourself being spoken of in reference or in passing. Or someone reminds you of something you wrote in a journal, thus waking you up to the realization that there are some people that remember aspects of your life that you do not. That can be a bit of an uncomfortable thing, but for me I don't particularly care - there is very little that I wouldn't say in person that I wouldn't share here. Just an observation that crossed my mind during the party. By the way, it was incredible to see so many people from out of town, including those I haven't seen in a few years! There was one in particular that I didn't recognize at first thanks to the stuff in my system at the time, and when someone said her full name I felt so embarrassed. She's an incredibly cool girl that I met at one of the first (e:strip) parties I attended, and had I put two and two together I would have had a thousand questions about San Diego for her. I'm sorry (e:iriesara)! It was nice to see you and to meet your manfriend.

What Is New In Josh's Life

Books, mainly. I'm still working through the stuff I'm reading (mainly Cormac McCarthy and Kerouac). I think I have a problem with buying books - the list of books I want to buy and read is so long that I think I'm making my reading list for the next two years. Anyway, I most recently purchased Kerouac's Old Angel Midnight, which is a collection of unique prose poetry written in small notebooks during 1956-1959. (I'm finishing collecting all of the Kerouac books I want to read). What makes this collection unique, and maybe a little puzzling, is that there is no narrative in the prose, no general sense of movement - it is a huge prose poem that reflects the words flowing through the author's head as he hears the noises coming in off of the street through his window. The result is mystifying and strangely beautiful, if not a little crazy sounding when you read it out loud.

Because this is the sort of mindless thing that makes our culture famous -

Ninja Cat Very famous video from this year, with Hitchcockian sound added. The cat moves... but doesn't move... sneaky little freak!



Idiot Cat Mistakes Himself for Enemy, Dives Headfirst Into Mirror Self-explanatory.

Today I was thinking about some of the cities where I felt were the most dangerous I've visited... a perception vs. reality study, if you will. Count Buffalo in the mix, by the way. This data comes off of Wiki's crime stats page - it should be noted that the crime stats are voluntarily reported, which is to say that they are likely higher than what is reported.

Based on federal data from calendar year 2007, per 100,000 residents:

Buffalo, NY - Population 273,832 (66th among large US cities)

Violent Crime - 15th (comparable to DC - Chicago didn't report data on violent crime!)
Property Crime - 20th (comparable city of disrepute - Oakland, CA)
Murder/Negligent Manslaughter - 10th (higher than Miami, Chicago, Memphis)
Forcible Rape - 17th
Robbery - 15th (in between Dallas and Chicago)
20th - Aggravated Assault (higher than Chicago, DC)
14th - Burglary
11th - Larceny-theft
32nd - Motor Vehicle Theft (more profitable in better weather)
26th - Arson

Buffalo outranked Boston, Newark, NYC, Chicago, Houston and Los Angeles in every crime category except for the following: Boston (aggravated assault, 13th), Newark (murder and auto theft, both 4th), Houston (auto theft 24th, arson 21st).

That's right - Newark, NJ - regularly considered the armpit of the east and one of the most latently dangerous cities in America, is reported to have 30% less violent crime, 60% less rapes, 25% less robberies, 30% less aggravated assaults, 30% less property crime, almost 3x less burglaries and half the larceny than what we have in Buffalo. Don't worry though - you are "only" twice as likely to get murdered in Newark, and are twice as likely to have your ride "borrowed" for a while. So, in my final estimation, either Buffalo is significantly more dangerous than Newark, NJ and the biggest cities in America (per 100,000) or the stats volunteered by the cities are downplayed to a criminal degree.

Don't forget - as a policy our city doesn't inform its citizens on a regular basis when crimes occur in your area unless they feel like it. And by your area I mean down the block. Cheers! *clink* (and no, the clink might not have been your window being cut by a glass cutter)

Remember all this the next time the city spends your tax dollars on stuff like $50,000 cameras, which have yielded no tangible improvement on your safety, but make you "feel better" depending on the neighborhood you are in. And I'll be the last guy to complain about pay for cops, but in the past year we've had a cop "allegedly" try to defraud our car insurer, and looking at the crime statistics you are DAMN RIGHT that they should be held to scrutiny. If you want to cry about what you're being paid, then you are god damn right that I want to see what it is that you're doing to justify those tears.

Here is the question - based on the crime stats (and stats aren't everything until its you that gets hurt) is the tax money you are shelling out for often grandiose police salaries and benefits worth what it is that you are getting back in terms of public safety? The answer is no. In the end is all proportional but when New York and LA's proportional crime rate is lower than yours in Buffalo, something is wrong and it isn't the way the stats are being tabulated.

(e:peeps) -

Here I am, sitting at my father's computer, doing various things I shouldn't while relaying to you my innermost insecurities and most vulgar carnal desires. Well, okay... maybe I'm not relaying to you any insecurities or vulgar thoughts, but I am sitting here at my father's computer writing a paragraph to you that is short on meaning and long on bullshit. So here goes -

We came home for Christmas Eve and had a lovely time, then came back to Buffalo (shopping and cleaning) while (e:jasontheunfuck)inglucky worked for "el hombre." After all that, we came back home to honor a promise to our family to hang out for a bit. Today was mainly errand running for me - I went to the Lakewood Weg three different times, then took (e:grandma) (she has her own screenname now, apparently) to the salon.

Today we once again visited the Southern Tier pub with (e:dad), got some stuff, drank, then went to get some fried food at the Puzzle Lounge. Their wings and fingers are as good as I've had anywhere and I probably shouldn't have been so obviously savoring it while pretty girls were in the house.

On Friday I went to the mall. Whoa... I hate that place. I really dislike shopping there... every time I found something I would wear I thought "Oh wow, isn't that nice, now I can officially look like every other dude in Buffalo." I'm happier at the Army/Navy surplus, I swear. I found a light jacket to wear that would be cool with collared shirt and jeans then thought, "once again, now I can look like every other dude in Buffalo, but only when they try to dress up and hang out on my street." What I really wanted was an indigo colored, long sleeve shirt with epaulets and some pockets and instead I got an dark blue colored designer shirt made of material that felt vaguely like a parachute or a tent. I am easily bored with clothes and dislike shopping because I never am happy with the outcome. The only thing I can pull off spectacularly is a suit and generally I am emblematic of a boho/military/slacker motif centered around jeans, birks (weather appropriate), long sleeve shirts, earth tones, cargo shorts and sunglasses to hide my prying eyes that do pry.

I wonder if Michael Jackson just dresses up weirdly because he's bored like I am.

My dad's friend has a cool little chihuahua named Spooky, who was ironically spooked out at (e:jay) and I. Poor thing was shaking like a leaf and tried to bite me, so I gave him a Beggin' Strip (dad, well prepared) and he was my homie4lyfe thereafter. I stared in his eyes and I think he raised his eyebrow at me, like "fancy a go? Want to square a go mate?"

What I'm doing at work today -



Is it better to be a star on a losing team or a backup on a winning team? I like to think that I'm a star whether or not I win or lose - after all, that is what the public school system taught me!

Merry Christmas everybody -

Your friend Josh

How sad and lonely our city looks today. Looking out of my front window down Cleveland the trees seem like soldiers standing in formation in the middle of a snow field. The snow is blowing sideways, acting like a veil. The sky is the same faint color of the road, a familiar sight to anybody who has lived in the north.

At Spot there are two men sitting outside on the patio, drinking coffee with coats bundled to the chin. What crazy and hardy people live here... go inside, you fools! How long does coffee stay warm, let alone hot, when it is in a paper cup and the temperature is 20F?

The usual suspects (SUVs, "suburban utility vehicles") are parking illegally in order to avoid the severe aches and pains of walking an extra 20 feet in the middle of a snow storm - not that they have ever needed an excuse.

I can only hear the sound of a shovel scraping against the cement sidewalk in front of Wasabi, the hum of a CPU fan, the slight ringing in my ears, cars slushing by here and there with engines growling spinning their wheels across the white road, Jean talking to someone only she can see, the occasional honking horn. The city is quiet and inactive today.

Lol. The article doesn't do the recordings I've heard justice - the reporters were very, very agitated. A local TV reporter even called into Rush Limbaugh today to talk about it... which I heard while driving to the post office during my lunch break.

"It's a process so I just hope everybody understands this is not a campaign, but I have lived a life committed to public service, wrote a book on the constitution, the importance of independent participation, raised my family committed to education in New York City," Kennedy said.

Well, that's it! Sign her up! She wrote a book and raised kids, you know! You know when I'm mad when I capitalize every other word for emphasis -

No, Princess Caroline, it IS a campaign, which is something YOU need to understand. You have to inspire confidence in the millions of New Yorkers who think your life of privilege, and our state politicians' collective unending greed for campaign fundraising, may just get you a seat you have NO BUSINESS sitting in. I promise you and everyone else reading this that if Governor Paterson selects you, I'll fight tooth and nail to see you put out on your ass in a year. I'll even take the somewhat extreme step of registering as a Democrat and voting against you in the primary. I'll put up campaign signs for your opponents, Republican or Democrat. I'll convince everyone I know that having you in the US Senate is an insult to upstate, to the working class people of New York, to the people who have been IGNORED by people like yourself, with the obvious difference being that these people who earned their stripes who are also candidates weren't appointed but elected.

My grandmother, who voted for your father, will not vote for you. I'll beg my father to not vote for you. By the way, what kind of job are you going to do in a year when you have so little time to actually get elected? Do you simply want to get your foot in the back door, flip New York the bird and get an unearned incumbency? Why is it that you feel the need to shove yourself down New York's throat? Why are you under the mistaken impression, as many American coastal elites do, that New York needs you? The truth is we don't need you - you need the Senate seat to fulfill some kind of instinctual need for power flowing through the same DNA that Ed Koch thinks make you qualified. "Think of the DNA!" - Ed Koch, you Benedict Arnold and supposed man of the people. We need someone who is actually in touch with our problems and has earned their stripes, not some effete caviar eater like yourself, Caroline. Go to hell - you got what you deserved when you came here, and your attempt at a first impression validated numerous fears and presumptions millions of New Yorkers have of you.

Let me ask - now that she's been here, does anybody know the purpose of the visit, which I dubbed the "Slummin' It Tour?" At City Hall last night, you'd think an actual US Senator was visiting - they closed off the circle and adjacent sidestreets, then ultimately allowed nobody to park. It appears to me that she came here simply to be visible, wave her regal hand like the Queen of England, accept accolades, be presumptive, then get back in the waiting car and drive back to her private jet so she can go home and take a shower.

At least Hillary kissed us before she fucked us. If David Paterson selects Princess Caroline I'll never forgive him either, and he's a Demo that had a vote from me etched in stone.

UPDATE - Which may or may not enrage you. Upstate? Caroline gives us the finger. Harlem? Let's have a press op in front of a tourist trap soul food spot! (A word of advice - borrow Hill's True Blue Yankees Fan ball cap)

First - please take a look at my previous entry today re: Caroline Kennedy and if you are inclined leave a comment. I hate posting multiple entries during the day because of how that obscures your previous work, but I was eager to share my taking the piss and general thumbs-up-osity below -





Even if you don't agree with the guy you should understand where he's coming from.

EDIT: proof for jho that I do occasionally leave the vest at home - with my friend Nick and his sister Nina -