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07/07/10 02:06 - 72.ºF - ID#52117

Hello y'all.

I hope everybody has been doing well - sorry for not saying much. I've been busy and have been keeping to myself. Here's a couple recent pictures, for those of you who may not keep track of my silly ass on Facebook -

This year's birthday picture, outside of Sweetness 7 -

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Me, this evening, at Bidwell Park -

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I hope you haven't forgotten what I look like! Hahaha.

Anyway, I've had at times an annoying past few months, with many thoughts coursing through my brain that I'm not going to bore you with. Suffice it to say that life sometimes sucks and sometimes regardless of how you act or what you say, someone is going to be unfair to you. I have a hard time dealing with that. The thing I like the least about myself is at times I'm too sensitive for my own good. I wish I had it in me to change that, but on the balance things are cool and I've got countless more people looking out for me than not... and that is a damn good feeling.

Let's talk about love for a minute - lacking it, maybe having it but never knowing it... via getting gawked at. Really for the first time in my life I've been noticing people noticing... and I don't know how to handle it or react. I do not think I am an object of attraction and never really have... when it happens I tend to think, "wow, someone is checking ME out?" I guess you can say that it is the opposite mentality to your stereotypical alpha male standard operating procedure. So yeah, when I walk into a coffee shop and see that the girls at a table right next to me are checking me out, I tend to be skeptical of what I'm seeing and do not look back.

I had a barista in front of me once who I knew for absolute sure wanted to know my name and have a little introduction. I did nothing - a couple months later she was standing in line with me at another place, very out of the blue and very random. It was like the hand of fate was trying to teach me a lesson about taking a leap of faith - and now I've met her.

One of my bosses is like a mother to me. God knows she's looked out for me and she says things to me like, "what's wrong with you Josh, why don't you have a girlfriend? You're a good looking guy, this is your prime years, you're freaking crazy not to step forward and take what's yours." Anyway, parts of the answer lie in this entry.

I like the freedom that bachelorhood provides but you cannot hide from the fact that it's an ultimately lonely existence. I really only think of it at night, when it is actually quiet enough for this stuff to bubble up to the surface. Freedom is NOT free, is it? Getting smiles here and there has added both joy and confusion to my life. Yeah, you are damn right that I love my freedom, but I love the thought of giving up some freedom if it means that I don't die alone. I don't want to be everybody's cup of tea, I just want to be one girl's cup of tea. Eventually...

It is strange how these thoughts can all come swirling about just as a reaction to being checked out more often. I push and pull my own thoughts on this stuff all the time. In the end I have an irrational belief in myself that things will be fine.
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