I enjoy scrolling through people's posts and old posts that I may have skipped over in the past. There are soooooo many posts by soooo many people talking about relationships its totally crazy. I totally understand that most of us are at an age where most of our good friends and possibly ourselves are married or getting married.

I'm never in a relationship (well not a romantic one) so I don't complain about them. I do, however, occasionally complain about being single. But, really, I don't care that I'm single, it doesn't bother me. The only time in recent memory that I can think of where I wished I was dating someone is that time between work and bed when (e:MK) is out somewhere and I'm alone and like my shoulder really hurts and I wish someone was there to rub it. Honestly, that's about it. Sleeping alone is fine and actually preferrable to me. I have lots o' friends so I can always find someone to see a movie with or grab coffee with if I feel so inclined.

It's just that the never ending sagas of people in relationships and those wanting to be in relationships just makes me tired. Whether they're young and dating (or trying to date), young and married or married with a bunch of kids, most people I know who are in a relationship complain about it themselves or their friends do. There are, of course, exceptions, but most of the time it just seems like the person is mostly miserable. Most of the women I work with tell me never to get married and never to have kids. Most of these women are also married and have multiple children. None of them are leaving their families but many of them wish they had known how stressful it would be before they got into it and would have changed things before they did them.

I cause myself enough stress and worry...adding someone else's worries to that would just be terrible. Although maybe if there was someone else I'd have less time to think about my own issues...of which there aren't many. I'm so boring. haha.

Most likely the reason I feel this way is because I've never been in a really great relationship. Like I've never been in love or anything really even close to love so I don't know first hand what I'm missing out on. Maybe if I did know I'd be telling a different story.

So I've entered some kind of funk (no not a fun musical kind). I'm really sad about school starting on Monday because I won't be there. Some people hated college and couldn't wait to get out. I loved it. Like every minute of it. Well every minute of college that was spent at UB.

This girl who moved into my old apartment and moved into what will always be "Susan's Room" to me, posted all these pictures and it made me so sad. A lot of it looks exactly the same and I just miss it so much. There was a picture of my old room too totally rearranged (thank god) I think I might've cried if it was set up the same way. It probably seems ridiculous to a lot of people that I'm this sad, but I can't help it, college and UB were the best and I really can't believe that its all over. Part of me wishes I had moved away because I think that would've made the transition easier.

I keep getting invited to parties being held by people that still go there. I want to go so badly but I can't be that graduate that still hangs around. I've been afraid of being that guy since like the beginning of senior year.

As of now I have a job that I like but I don't forsee making into a career. I'm comfortable here and I like most of the people I work with. Starting after labor day I'll be working for 2 attorneys instead of 1 and then I think things will be easier because I won't have as much down time.

So being a bad friend isn't good. I'm honestly tired of seeing shows where the entire cast is made up of people I know. That's why I didn't see Pope Joan in which I knew the entire cast, crew, the director and the wrtier. I just can't take this incestuous clusterfuck that is the Western New York theatre community. THere are some very talented people working here, I'll never deny that, but I just can't stand seeing any more shows in which I personally know at least 90% of the cast. I also hate waiting after the show and doing the required "Hi! Great show! I really enjoyed it! It was so good!" I just hate that, even if I mean it, I hate saying it, it just all feels so forced.

I love my kitty but he likes to get really wound up at about 10:00 pm and stay that way until like 12:00 am which usually consists of him pouncing on my feet and hands when I move them under my comforter, bolting from my room to the living room and back again, crashing over plastic bags on the way. He's also taken to just standing on me, sometimes he uses me as a stepping stone but he really likes just standing on me while I'm trying to sleep. But he's cute and he's my baby and I love him.

I can't wait until more time has gone by and I move away from this depression I feel. I'm not like unable to get out of bed and not eating (that will never happen) but at night when I go to bed I get really sad and I feel really alone.

I listen to the women I work with complain incessantly about their kids and their husbands and exhusbands and just so much around me is depressing and disheartening. A new attorney just started in the criminal department, and one of the secretaries on my floor (one of the divorced ones) was really eager to find out if he was single or whatever. Its frightening how eager these women are to be married or remarried or whatever. It freaks me out. I'm so scared of becoming like that.

This has been Depressing You with Anne Maloy.
Whoa, what a downer.

back on estrip. I must've missed or deleted my confirmation to change my email address so i was out of commission for a few days.

any tick, here I am. If only I had anything interesting to post about.

Friday night my cousins aged 8 and 10 came over to watch High School Musical 2. Having only seen part of High School Musical 1, i didn't really care. And it was awful. The singing was TERRIBLE. Ok not everyone. They sounded so canned and studio-ified I couldn't handle it. Even still I could tell who was good and who was bad. Vaness Hudgens or whatever her name is should never sing or really act again. Her career is over after this franchise goes the way of many other teen star vehicles.

yeeeees. then saturday night I did nothing. I went to bed at like 10. Im basically the coolest person I know.

wooohooo!!!

So I got a cat. His name is Oscar. He's about 6 months old (they aren't really sure). He has tuxedo markings which means he's almost all black except for a white belly, chest and paws (like he's wearing a tux jacket).

right now he's on my bed bathing himself. he's so cute. He has his first vet visit tonight after I leave work, I'm sure he'll LOVE it.

I adopted him from the City of Buffalo Animal Shelter. There's really no particular reason I chose the animal shelter over the SPCA or the Humane society except that the animal shelter is closest to my apartment and the adoption fee is lower. Granted, he's not fixed and all the animals at the SPCA are.

I'm pretty sure the guy behind the desk at the shelter thought I was cute. Which I really don't understand why, I looked like total crap. I think he liked me because cats over 4 months are supposed to be $30 and Oscar was only $20, the deposit to ensure you get them fixed (according to the website) is $75 and I only gave $50 and he did something else too but I wont mention it in here for fear he get in trouble.

I recommend the animal shelter if you are interested in a kitty. Oscar is a sweetie pie. see?:




the baybay

lounging on the bed before mommy goes to work.

(e:mk) is allergic to cats. But she's just about as allergic to cats as she is to dogs and we've had dogs our entire lives. basically our solution is that Oscar isn't allowed in her room. It seems to be working out ok, she doesn't seem bothered by his dander. I wipe him with these cat wipes that he haaaates, but i gotta do it.

He jumps up at like every little noise inside and out. he keeps pouncing on my hands as I type. Ok enough about the keeeten. he's so cute!!!

Today a maintenance man in my building asked me if i was in high school. what? maybe once or twice in my life has anyone ever thought i was younger than i am. never 5 years though. what? when i was 19 someone thought i was 28.

crazt.

Ok why am I ALWAYS tired.

I just put my head down on my desk for about a minute and dozed off. What? It's 2:30!

Oy. My shoes are too big. I'm not sure what to do about this. I know there are inserts you can get to make them fit more snugly but I'm not sure where to get them. I used to use them when on wardrobe crew at the park, but they were always provided for us.

I've been typing the same document for almost 2 hours. Looong explanation short: Once in awhile we get a document that requests that we admit certain things about certain documents, and we have to respond. We have to retype each request for admission which is 1 long sentance, and then leave a space for a response. There are 270 requests in this document. I started yesterday off and on, and have been doing a couple here and there all day, I'm only up to 206.

So I went to school and got my degree in Theatre. Now I'm a legal secretary...yes the correlation is apparent to me as well...? I feel like I should be disappointed or like saddened by the fact that I'm not working in my chosen area of study; but the truth is i'm not at all. I'm totally fine with it. I have no interest in or desire to be out there stage managing. Like absolutely none at all. I still love theatre and I love seeing plays and reading them but I just don't want to stage manage right now. It's too much stress and pressure and even though I'm good at it I have no desire to do it. Probably in a couple of years I'll be interested...probably. There's always the possibility of grad school in the distant future... eh, maybe.

whooopeeee!!

if you're one of those LAME-Os who don't read harry potter...i feel bad for you.

thats all i'm gonna say cuz i can't give anything away or at least (e:mk) will kill me.

book 7. 14 hours straight (almost).

effective yesterday at work (my 6th day there btw) we were reassigned to different attorneys.

the attorney i used to work for is a really nice guy who has a very heavy case load. he works a lot with another attorney who also has a very heavy caseload. Mary, another secretary now has both of them. I have an attorney who is also a really nice guy who works for LFP, Inc. aka Larry Flynt's company. he gets Hustler sent to him every month, awesome. he reviews a lot of other people's work and doesn't generate a whole lot of his own.

anyway, yesterday Bill, the new attorney, gave me 1 thing to do that took, no lie, 2 minutes to do. i spent the rest of the day cleaning and helping Mary who was running around like a chicken with her head cut off. eventually i get a new attorney they haven't hired yet, but i have no idea when that will be. so work shouldn't be too stressful for at least the next few days.

woohooo.

Two days down at the new job. So far so good. The attorney I work for is really nice and really patient. He's really understanding about the fact that I'm a little lost and overwhelmed, and he's very willing to help me out when I don't understand something. Let's see how long this lasts, haha. I actually work for 2 attorneys but one of them is leaving the firm on Friday...was it something I said?

yep. thats about all that's new. Europe was awesome. Milan is kind of gross and covered in graffiti but it was neat to go, I don't plan to go back. Madrid I would definitely go back to, it was cool. We didn't get to go out at all, so sometime I want to go with friends so we can go out on the town on a saturday night or something. It would be a great city to go to as a couple.


i love the show Whose Wedding is it Anyway. It makes me want to get married. Not that I didn't want to get married before, but it makes me want to plan a wedding and try on wedding dresses and pick out flowers and stuff. It looks like fun even though I'm sure it would be wicked stressful if you were actually the one getting married.

i can't get over how much this bride's dress and veil do not go together. i can't describe it, but its a hot mess.

So i have to work 7am-3pm every day this week. except friday, when (hopefully) I'll be on a European adventure with my mom and (e:mk).

this leads to a problem for me.

Wednesday night I want to go out...there's this guy I'm interested in and I know where he'll be on Wednesday night, and its in a place that it would be totally normal for me to be there as well. Therefore, I of course plan to be there. Problem: It's like 10 miles away. I have to be up by like 6:30 the next morning. ouch.

The whole process/bullshit of being interested in someone sucks. I have no reason to think he might be interested in me. He's a really nice guy, he's cute, now granted he's a republican (I'm not and yes this does bother me a little because he's super politically conservative) and he's not a guy that I went to college with.

Wouldn't the world be a better place if there was no bullshit? You could just say "Hey! You're cute, funny, smart, single and straight. Hey! I'm all those things too. Let's see where this goes" and if they weren't interested they would say so, no one's feelings would be hurt, and we'd all move on with our lives.

Alas, this is not how we function as a society. Therefore I will be forced to conveniently show up a few places, find random (and few) reasons to send him a message on facebook or post on his wall, occasionally bring up his name in conversations with people who know him better than I do, and basically suffer through that irritating feeling I get in my stomach when I like someone but know nothing will come of it. Becuase, let's face it, it never does.

I have his phone number but only because of facebook events he's invited me to. I don't know if he has mine, we've never officially exchanged them. This is annoying. What I need is more confidence.

Therefore, I constantly psych myself out and convince myself that there's no way any guy could or would like me, especially this guy. I don't think any ever has, other than the couple that I've dated. I just don't think I'm the kind of girl that guys like. What does that mean I think guys like? Couldn't really tell ya, but basically not me. Then what's even worse, if a guy does like me, I'm afraid that once they get to know me better they'll be like "oh man I can do better than this" or that they only like me because they're desperate and have lowered their standards.

If I read these words written by a friend of mine, I'd punch them in the face. But please don't punch me in the face, I've felt this way about myself for....my entire life.

In like every other aspect of my life I'm probably too confident, so I dump all my insecurity in this part of my world.