Yo.

Ok, so sorry this entry is going to be all like "I'm a girl and I'm a little dramatic".

So I'm 23 years old. I have been single for a while. This is for a variety of reasons, one of them mostly being that most of the men I surround myself with are gay or way too old for me or already married.

This is actually fine with me. I genuinely enjoy being single while I'm studying my butt off and basically I'd have to really really really want a particular person to consider letting them interrupt my life as is.

Whoops.

I haven't been genuinely and seriously interested in someone since this guy from college who lead me on and I won't get into the details but he lead me on for quite a while and said things and did things he had no business doing or saying and it messed me up for a little bit. He took advantage of the situation of two girls paying him lots of attention and basically screwed me over. Jerk. But now he's a hot mess living in NYC and apparently doing drugs? Advantage: Anne.

Anyway, since then I've been happily unattached, a few innocent hook up type dealies in college and a few HILARIOUS and terrible dates, but mostly not interested in a relationship.

Of course in the last few months I've started getting to know this guy and he's basically perfect. Well, perfect for me. He has his flaws of course but really he's damn near perfect for my purposes. He's smart, incredibly funny and witty, cute, great smile, tall enough and is really sweet and thoughtful.

Ok, 2 catches. First he's basically too young for me and he has a girlfriend. He actually has only mentioned the girlfriend in passing twice and his Facebook status says so. I thought this was no big deal, she lives far away and he basically never mentioned her. Not so much. They've been dating for at least three years. Time for a change, right? That's what I think anyway.

The age thing really isn't a big deal. It's not like he's 16. I always find myself interested in younger guys for some reason.

I just can't believe this. I thought this kind of crap wasn't supposed to happen after like college was over. You're not supposed to fall hard for someone like this. That's what I always thought would be the case. Shouldn't I have gotten some sense by now? Where has all the "I'm never going to fall like that again for someone" malarkey I've been building up? At least he's not a douchebag who's leading me on intentionally.

I honestly feel like I'm 16 when I think about him. Butterflies in the stomach like crazy.

I can guarantee you he has no idea. I've been avoiding talking to him so as to avoid being too in his face.

We just can talk so easily both face to face and even freakin' online. UGH.

I just can't believe I'm back in this place.

Haha the only difference between this situation and all others is that even though I know I'm not going to be winning any sexiest woman alive contests, I am definitely prettier than his girlfriend, hahaha she's kinda busted.

We're not at the "I need to tell him" point. I know that point and we're at least 2 or 3 more interactions before we even think about that point.

It just tough and surreal. You know what I mean about this feeling? Its just so exciting and smiley and hearts and puppies and confetti. I want to enjoy the happy warm fuzzies I feel but its hard to just let go and enjoy having a crush when the last time I did that it ended up breaking my heart kind of sort of.

Boys are frustrating creatures.

Its 3:30 am. I just finished my last real paper and "response" that was supposed to be due last week but I just kept putting it off.

I love when the basis of a paper is completely disagreeing with another writer's interpretation of a work of literature. Its especially enjoyable when that article was published in 1958. I'm pretty sure if the author is still kickin' she wouldn't be able to put up much of a fight.

Remember when you were in 6th grade and writing 350 words seemed like an insurmountable task? My blood pressure was hovering at normal when after my final this morning I had the task ahead of me of writing a 4 page paper (roughly 1500 words) I hadn't yet picked a topic for. If you combine all the time spread out from about 12:30pm-2:00am in which I ACTUALLY worked on the paper, it probably took me 2 hours. Well, 2 1/4 if you count the 15 minutes it took me to find a decent and short article to use. I didn't initially intend the paper to just be a vehicle to rip someone's writing apart, but it was a nice change of pace rather than spending 4 pages writing about the symbolism of the sound of a string breaking in Act 2 of The Cherry Orchard. Excuse me a second, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Anyway, I cannot WAIT for Saturday. I plan to sleep for about 2 days.

So roughly every couple of months or so I develop a "lets find something to occupy my day dreams" crush on someone. I'd say 95% of the time this crush is based on nothing but someone I pass on campus every day or have a class with or someone who sells me coffee and there is no indication it will go anywhere past my head. Sometimes its more than that, but not frequently. However, I'm fresh out of candidates. The former love of my life, the aforementioned Canadian dreamboat hockey player named Jesse is a total bust. Not only is he a moron, he didn't even read the book we were supposed to read for a final presentation and his contribution reflected that. He never flat out said he didn't read it, but if he did read it, he has a funny way of showing it. He was really non communicative leading up to our presentation causing me more stress than was necessary. Boo. So the "imaginary Canadian dreamboat hockey playing English teacher Jesse" I created is way better than "real kind of dumb, doesn't contribute to projects or communicate with his partners Jesse" and now that I officially know that, its over. Sad times. Our imaginary break-up was very difficult for us both.