Hey ladies, did you know that you can learn make assumptions about your man based on what gaming platform he prefers?



I can't fucking believe that somebody got paid to write this.

Speaking of writing, I was reading last week's Artvoice (its officially obsolete as of today) and was delighted to read the "Ask Anyone" section on the inside of the back page. I was born to write these sorts of responses to peoples questions, given my cynical and humorous approach. The "gay perspective" is particularly funny. I really should be writing these for Artvoice, but until that happens I'll simply post my own responses here for you to enjoy.

Q1.

I have two questions:

1. I have a friend who uses the wrong words all the time - like he'll say, "Oh, this weather is grandiose today." Should I correct him?

2. I have another friend whose table manners are not very good. He is about to be interviewed for law jobs, and I know the firms will take him out to eat. Should his friends (I'm not the only one who notices) tell him how to use a fork and so on?

I really like these guys and I don't want to offend them, and I know I'm not perfect.

- Buffalo Guy

Ronald Raygun says (the responses in the article have pseudonyms so why can't I?): Considering that your own grammar is... like utterly shocking like, why should you be the one to correct your friend? Personally I think that your objections to his language has more to do with you than it does him. You find his language annoying - fair enough. I suggest you learn how to use an adjective before attempting to correct anybody. You think you are clever and you are not. In England they would refer to you as a muppet - would you accuse them of speaking improper English as well?

As for your friend with table manners, thats an entirely different story. Consider this - we are talking about lawyers here, not about the fucking Queen of England. I find it hard to believe that your friend eats like a caveman. Lawyers occupy the lowest professional rung so lets not put them on a pedestal, okay? If you think that your friend should be trained to hold his knife and fork only in specific hands in order to be able to impress a lawyer, I have to say that you think too highly of the profession.

I'm starting to think that one of two things must be true; either all of your friends are knuckle-dragging neanderthals that cannot speak English or eat properly, or it is you that desperate needs some counseling despite your laughable caveat about not "being perfect" yourself. Leave your friends alone - your obsession with their "faults" are patently obvious and deserve more careful study than table manners ever would.

Q2.

Help! I think I'm falling in love with a guy who drives a Hummer with a Bush-Cheney sticker on it. (My friends don't even call him by his name; they just refer to him as 'the Republican'). Should I get out now, and risk losing someone great, or stick around and risk ending up with Archie Bunker? And if I don't stay, does that mean I'm as intolerant and prejudiced as I thought he would be?

- Lefty Leaving

Ronald Raygun says: Your friends are idiots if they refer to someone you love solely on his political ideology and not his name. If you actually loved this guy as you claim you do, you wouldn't tolerate this immature nonsense and you sure as hell wouldn't speculate that he may end up being Archie Bunker. Its obvious to me that you don't love him, and its obvious to me that you are being bigoted. You've suspected this yourself, so I can't say that this should be a surprise to you. You are assuming he is a bigot based on his political ideology (you would certainly know by now if in his heart of hearts he is a bigot), and then you turn and ask if not being able to tolerate his politics makes you a bigot yourself. The answer to this question is: of course it does. You should get out; not for your sake but for his. He doesn't deserve this sort of behind-the-back, sordid evaluation. If James Carville and Mary Matalin can make it, I'm sure that you and Mr. Hummer could. You're shallow and have a narrow world view that prohibits you from entering relationships with people you disagree with and make a litany of assumptions about.

The issue isn't him but you - trust me. If politics is the hang-up that makes a relationship unworkable for you, then you deserve Chairman Mao and not Archie Bunker. The complaint isn't the Hummer but the politics - it seems that you enjoy an affluent lifestyle. If you want a provider with deep pockets and a liberal worldview, call John Corzine. I hear he is a risk taker and enjoys having gas guzzling SUVs he is riding in drive at excessive speeds.

Tired of wondering where Mr. Right is? Listen to this lady to avoid your pitfalls. You might get uncomfortable reading what she says.

Salt Lake City - I think they are sending me there next week for a days work, not including a day of travel. Anybody know if its a dry city?



It is beautiful though.

I think I had a legendary amount of comments in my various journal entries yesterday. I deleted between two or three dozen e-mails this morning that were sent from (e:strip), notifying me that people had left comments. Once in a while I respond via e-mail, so don't be surprised if I end up responding to you that way rather than in my journal. Usually people get more than they bargained for when they ask me questions - be warned that I'm not really into that whole brevity thing.

Another Clinton fluff piece in the NY Times - via MSNBC. They really are desperate to try to shape how the people perceive her. They simply can't help themselves. At least they didn't forget to mention one of the instances in which, as First Lady, she laughably attempted to fire high-level White House staff when Der Schlickster was president.

In the meantime, the media has attacked the Republican candidates' various wives in predictably petty fashion... including the same publication that is glowing with praise for a tyrant-in-training like Hillary.

- Fred's wife, according to the New York Times, is a "trophy wife" whose beauty needs "to be dealt with." Forget the fact that she's been a staffer in the Senate, or that she's intelligent. The libs at NYT are blinded by their bias her beauty!

But what if you are Michelle Obama? The New York Times thinks you are charming, diligent, and a modern woman... and certainly not a trophy wife.

Good luck finding something similarly scathing about John Edwards' wife, who has actually given good reason for the MSM to be critical of her loud mouthed, inappropriate outbursts concerning her husband's political rivals. No, in fact you will see articles such as this one, which is in the New York Times today - Oh, and by the way, did you know that she has cancer and therefore you cannot criticize her?

- Rudy's wife is a faker and a jezebel, if you ask New York Magazine.

Most people don't have an appreciation of the scale of the fires, other than seeing the incredible and frightening images of those fires - they seem like on a Biblical scale.

I wanted to learn more exact details of the status of the fires, and BBC put together a great page that summarizes everything -

This is an amazing picture from space -



Now that is a smoke trail.

Also, it appears that the fires may have been started deliberately - where is the ELF when you need them? This link has some really striking pictures of the devastation. I wouldn't be surprised if arson was the cause, but it has to be said that the whole of SoCal is essentially a desert to begin with.. natural fires occur every year.

PS - a completely unrelated note. I had a random thought this morning - I wanted to know how it is that the American accent has developed into what it is now. So during my random web surfing this morning I was on Wikipedia, and I learned something today. Its no longer "ebonics" folks - now its "African American Vernacular English!" Behold.

Now NPR has a phrase to use so that they can avoid the blushes!

Today one of my co-workers is making weird girl noises (pouting, etc.) - her knuckle on her ring finger is the size of a walnut and she can't get her ring off! It looks really red and painful - I fear bad for her. I looked up potential solutions on Yahoo! Answers - I feel dirty for using a service put together by a bunch of communist collaborators, but I think my conflicted feelings will subside by dinner time. In any case, I think she is going to have a jeweler cut it off today.

What would you do if you saw a car try to beat a yellow light by making a sharp turn, and in the process make an old lady try to run across the street and fall on her face, potentially injuring her?

I'm not saying this happened, but on Sunday I couldn't help but wonder why it is that an elderly lady with bags would be compelled to try to run across the street at the corner of Delevan and Elmwood. During halftime on Sunday I went to ETS to get some food for my brother and I, and I arrived only to see a crowd of people surrounding this poor elderly lady, who had fallen right on her face and wasn't moving. A gentleman, bless him, was sitting on the pavement rubbing her back and comforting her until the ambulance arrived.

It absolutely broke my heart seeing her like that. No exaggeration - my eyes started welling up and I was desperate for the lady to be okay. Thankfully, she got up once the paramedics arrived and hopefully her injuries are only limited to her forearms. I hope that she simply slipped and her accident wasn't the cause of a reckless driver... which in all honesty, having lived in my apartment for seven years in this neighborhood, I would never rule out. We have to protect the elderly that live around here - please keep an eye on elderly folks crossing the street!

Have you ever felt the urge to write in your journal despite the fact that you really don't have anything to say? Granted, I'd stay quiet rather than gossip like a tabloid magazine. Trust me, if you ever needed to tell someone a deep, dark secret I'm like the fucking CIA. I will either deny any knowledge or run misdirection.

(e:jbeatty)'s latest journal entry reminds me of why I like to cook, and also why I wish I would spend more time trying to find cookbooks that suit me. I've always taken an interest in cooking. At first it was a matter of principle - I simply wanted to know as much as I could so that I wouldn't have to rely on anyone but myself to cook. Women love guys that can cook, or so I'm told, but I've never cooked for a date before. I'd rather do something more interesting... such as take a cooking class together. How would that be for a date surprise! I suppose that I should watch what she does with the knife...

For me, its the learning and doing aspect of cooking that I enjoy. Cooking does for me what playing musical instruments still do - it provides an escape and you're really only torturing yourself. That is, of course, assuming that you are by yourself and you are the only one listening/eating! There is also a creative aspect to cooking that I enjoy, as well as the flexibility that cooking allows you to explore. I also find pleasure in cooking for my friends - on occasion I am struck with a moment of culinary brilliance such as my teriyaki chicken. Other times it works out miserably, but the magic with cooking is that failures are edible.

I don't particularly have any fears of trying new recipes and my interest in this is insatiable. My only problem is that I can't drink up the entire culinary world in one gulp. It will take my entire life to do what I want to do with the culinary arts. However, for the mean time, I think I should focus on half a dozen recipes to master in a handful of cuisines.

Or soccer... but I'm with the world on this one and call both sports football. Its this crap that makes Americans hate the sport.

Last week Dida, the Brazilian national goalkeeper and keeper for AC Milan, played against Celtic in a Champions League (prestigious European club tournament) group stage game. A fan ran onto the pitch, gave him a "mocking touch" (or a "little tickle" if you like) and ran away. Dida began to run towards him then dropped to the pitch dramatically, and was then carried off on a stretcher. Of course the guy could have easily had a box cutter in his hands when it did it, which is why the club were fined $50,000 for the incident. Dida ended up getting a two match ban for his play acting.

Check out this video - you'll see the incident, and the bonus is that it only makes my desire to be able to pull off a Scottish accent even stronger! It also made me think that it might be a good idea to dress as a bagpipe player or a Scottish football hooligan for halloween.



The best part of the whole fiasco is the British papers and their predilection for allowing readers to submit some Photoshop love to commemorate the occasion.







He's milking it! Ort ort ort. *seal claps*

And people suggest that allowing gay people to marry somehow mucks up the "institution." I think that hetero couples have ruined the institution plenty well on their own.



I seriously want no part of it.