This one is mine. i must admit it is terribly long. you don't have to bother reading it all, or at all. but it would be nice.

How can I illuminate the faded spark within you?
The task scares me to near death
Wish I could slip my hands inside your chest and rip apart the rooted scars
Your clumsy dance with life has left you with quite the injuries
Were you paying close attention during her brutal lessons?
Has she taught you anything worth knowing?

How far will we track before one steers off course?
I fear, someday, you will tearfully shift your eyes away when asked about this love and what remains of it
Or perhaps, lying still and motionless, you'll yearn for passion, reflecting how it once came so freely and generously

Quiet down now...I know things
No need for brutal honesty here my friend
Because I know the discomfort and uncertainty your words can bring about
They torment me without warning
And make my hands shake and my blood thin
I should have ran, I still whisper
But lessons learned late can still be lessons learned

I envision your evolution within me
And often play with infinity as it molds your existence into mine
I let it gently unfold
This is how I can protect you from your enemies, your self
I don't know your demons, we are not that close
I've only seen them on the rare occasions when you've looked the other way and forgot I was watching
And I fear that, as you approach, they'll engulf me as well

But somehow I want to carry that burden
Unsure of whether I now have a choice
I suppose I could blindly hurry forward, head down, without glances, so as to not acknowledge their sinister presence
But I don't know where to then discard their unbearable load!
Thoughts, of shivering aloneness on concrete floors form
Wishing I had never locked hearts with you

Look here, I found these pages crumpled at your feet
They are the endings you wish you could have written, for all your other loves
But you've never been taught their baffling tongue
So chapters were written for you and endings eventually discarded
And so, you remained passively cornered
How have you survived the self exile?
Holding your breath? Shifting your eyes? Sobbing inward? Sneering outward?

You stand engulfed by a stench so few can stand,
I watch as you sit at the edge of this swamp, hoping your innards spill forward, washing away the rot
Don't you have something to dispose of?
You must have the strength to drown it with your own bare hands
It has run its final course
And mangled you long enough
All the while throwing you nothing but tears as scraps
It is now time to say a quiet goodbye, exchange a quick kiss, and pry the claws out of your chest
I warn you; avoid its pleading glare at all cost
Do not forget how you've been fooled before

I cringe when faced with the thoughts of us becoming the mediocre and the insignificant, as our beginning comes to an end
Will we remain within this embrace while planting kisses on foreheads once the anticipation and lust begins to slip through our fingers?

I am worried
Because I see toxic potential in you,
The potential to be ruthless with idealisms and ideologies
Which are ALWAYS only successful at someone else's expense

Nevertheless,
my thoughts have dressed you in satin ribbons and bows and balloons,
like a solitary birthday gift awaiting its anticipated revelation
But I know that celebrations don't last forever
The uninvited hold grudges and others overstay their welcome, all the while someone is painfully vomiting some horrid bullshit they've been fed

I know eventually everyone flees
And I am left with only a cold and dirty mop in hand
It is then that I try to seek comfort beneath my flesh
Right where I've planted you to grow
Hoping you haven't left too
Will reality find only remnants of your warmth drifting through hollow canyons haphazardly carved by our misguided expectations?

Too late to flee, I suppose
My ankles have been severed by my eagerness
The fog of uncertainty has crept up within my throat

Yet, I don't want a promise for my future
That would shatter all that remains whole
My hope is not to foresee but to forgo

Just remember, my dear lover
That as you entertain your dark fiend,
And your days and nights fade into one another,
Rest will become nonexistent and peace will certainly abandon you

Please
Grasp the jaws of the monstrosities that are feasting on you
I can see how their voracious appetites have nearly devoured you
Yet, you plead; they are so precious to you
You stroke them so gently
Caress their silky hair
And insert them beneath your bruised skin
You must,
When you gaze at your distorted image in the muddy water,
Realize,
They do not define you

Please
Shift your eyes from that convoluted mirror and listen to these hurried words
I worry
Lost on your winding path, I try to keep pace with the blind man I met along the way
If he could only see his resemblance to your angelic face
But he knows how blessed he is
Ignorance IS bliss
And so he sends his deepest regards

I now know that I can't run through darkness while my soul is searing with your burning image
And still, I cannot escape my acidic thoughts of uncertainty
In the end, I hope and plead that the our sweetness does not fade into a bitter concoction of apathy as comfort takes its proper seat
I pray that your demons become nothing more than distant acquaintances, rarely invited, but tolerated and contained, unable to molest the good I want you to know

Nevertheless, the question remains
Once this crusade ends,
And all that could be said is said
And all that would be done is done
I wonder
Who will remain to carry MY heavy burden?
When I cannot lift, carry or hold
When even the strength to write you these poems eventually escapes me?

i used to be obsessed with dead poets, especially ones who've killed themselves. i think my favorite was sara teasdale.
    
I Shall Not Care
    
When I am dead and over me bright April
Shakes out her rain-drenched hair,
Though you shall lean above me broken-hearted,
I shall not care.

I shall have peace, as leafy trees are peaceful
When rain bends down the bough;
And I shall be more silent and cold-hearted
Than you are now.

Sara Teasdale

there are still many of you who have not responded to the secret santa extravaganza!

this is a second plead for you to join in the merriment. i guarantee it is a load of fun. ask all of the participants from last year. even if you're not going to the party, it is still nice to get a present in the mail.

if i don't hear from you, i will start pestering you through email and may eventually stalk you and leave you orgasmic phone messages.

i'm going out drinking tonight...with a mission. wish me luck people!

i had a post written about little boobies, but i got distracted, closed out my browser and now it's gone. i wanted to talk about boobies, and how much i like little ones after i found this picture of a young janice dickinson. i hate big boobs. i would give anything to have little, tiny boobies. they're just so much more feminine to me; more delicate and sensual. to me, they seem to portray class and a clean, natural beauty. (probably two things i have the least of) i cannot understand for the life of me why women want bigger breasts. i have been plagued with big boobs from the age of 11 and hated it from the beginning. tiny boobie girls, be happy with what you have. less is more. less boob is more beauty.

ok, people the time for the 2nd estrip secret santa exchange has come. we will be exchanging presents at (e:pmt)'s annual holiday party. please send me a post it or leave a comment to let me know if you will be participating. you do not have to be at the party to participate. there were people last year who mailed gifts and/or relayed them through other people.

if you are new to the site and don't know some of the peeps, you can read through their journals to get to know them better and get a feel for their likes and dislikes, their personalities and passions. once i get a good count of who is participating, i will be randomly assigning secret santas and will send post-it's to let you know who you have.

this was so much fun last year. i've changed my pic to reflect the gift i got from my secret santa last year. my secret santa was a perv.

so, EVERYONE MUST PARTICIPATE BECAUSE I SAID SO!

and because it's so much fun.

here is my list.

boy-b
boy-e
boy-j
boy-b
boy-j
boy-r
boy-s
girl-j (she was THE BEST boyfriend i ever had)
boy-?
boy-m
boy-j
boy-c
boy-x

a lot of these were recycled every few years, especially marvin. if i didn't do that, this list would definitely be in the 30's.


that question mark is a boy on a beach in st. croix after waaay too many drinks. he was really sweet though. he felt really bad and tried to apologize and give me a gift the next morning before i left.

i have no regrets or weird feelings about any of these, except some disappointment in the really small dong guys. they were a total waste of time. i can't stand small dongs. i might as well be using a finger, a baby carrot or a gherkin.

so i'm back from key west. i had a nice little break. i can't post any pictures because the digital camera that marvin and i shared since our separation which has been in my custody since then is now broken because i let him have visitation rights. so i had to take the ancient kinds of pictures with film. plus, i didn't take the "good" ancient camera because it would have been too bulky (it takes such beautiful pictures though) so instead i took a few disposable ones. maybe i'll scan them once they are developed.

we went snorkeling and kayaking and sailing. the weather was beautiful the entire time. the sunsets were amazing. i stood at the southern most point of the US and took a picture for (e:libertad), because there was a sign on it that stated "90 miles to Cuba". i also thought of you, libertad, when i met a very hot cuban monk. there was so much eye candy!

hemingway's house was very interesting. i want to read a biography now. he was so crazy. did you guys know he had 60 cats living in his house in key west? there are about 47 living there now. and they're not like our normal domestic cats, they're very weird looking and about half of them have 6 toes on their feet. they were bred that way for the sailing ships, so that they would be better mouse catchers. i have to develop those pictures.

the key west locals are weird too. they all drink. i mean, seriously drink. so many of them look like crack heads. super, super skinny and everyone looks at least 10-15 years older than what they really are. everyone smokes and all the women sound like men. the men have full salt and pepper beards, have an earing in one ear and wear sailor caps. again, they all smoke too. i have never seen so many alcoholics in one place. every one was very friendly and talkative, though. everyone said good morning or hello when they passed you by, even the bums, when they weren't talking to themselves.

now that i'm back i'm so overwhelmed with work that i feel like i'm going to end up having a nervous break down soon. seriously, i kept dreaming about work the entire time i was in key west, and i was murdering people in my dreams. i remember i was shooting this guy and he wouldn't die. and i just had to keep shooting and shooting and he kept coming at me. he finally fell over after about 25 rounds.
i kind of want to run away and never, ever, ever come back or maybe become an alcoholic or a an addict so that i have an excuse to not participate in society.

i am off to key west!

as you all sit here and freeze your tushes off, i will be sitting on the beaches of the keys. lord, knows i need it. i thought today i was going to kill myself at work. i can't take the drama! and why the hell am i broke all of the fucking time????

i stumbled upon this list and thought that some of these are pretty funny. do people really have these fears? i mean, why would you have a fear of garlic? you may not like the way it tastes, but a phobia? or how about Opiophobia, i mean seriously? does that even exist? jenks? i mean i know they don't want to perscribe meds because we're all druggies, but again, a phobia?

although, i do wish i had Sitophobia, it would make life so much easier.

[box]Acarophobia    Fear of itching or of the insects that cause itching.
Aerophobia    Fear of drafts, air swallowing, or airbourne noxious substances.
Aeroacrophobia    Fear of open high places.
Aeronausiphobia    Fear of vomiting secondary to airsickness.
Agoraphobia    Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place.
Agyrophobia    Fear of streets or crossing the street.
Aichmophobia    Fear of needles or pointed objects.
Ailurophobia    Fear of cats.
Alektorophobia    Fear of chickens.
Alliumphobia    Fear of garlic.
Amaxophobia    Fear of riding in a car.
Amychophobia    Fear of scratches or being scratched.
Anginophobia    Fear of angina, choking or narrowness.
Anglophobia    Fear of England, English culture, etc.
Angrophobia    Fear of anger or of becoming angry.
Anthropophobia    Fear of people or society.
Aphenphosmphobia    Fear of being touched. (Haphephobia)
Arachibutyrophobia    Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Astrophobia    Fear of stars and celestial space.
Asymmetriphobia    Fear of asymmetrical things.
Ataxiophobia    Fear of ataxia (muscular incoordination)
Atelophobia    Fear of imperfection.
Atomosophobia    Fear of atomic explosions.
Automatonophobia    Fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues
Bacillophobia    Fear of microbes.
Bacteriophobia    Fear of bacteria.
Batophobia    Fear of heights or being close to high buildings.
Batrachophobia    Fear of amphibians, such as frogs, newts, salamanders, etc.
Belonephobia    Fear of pins and needles. (Aichmophobia)
Cancerophobia    Fear of cancer.
Carcinophobia    Fear of cancer.
Catagelophobia    Fear of being ridiculed.
Catapedaphobia    Fear of jumping from high and low places.
Cheimaphobia or Cheimatophobia    Fear of cold.
Chemophobia    Fear of chemicals or working with chemicals.
Chiraptophobia    Fear of being touched.
Cholerophobia    Fear of anger or the fear of cholera.
Chorophobia    Fear of dancing.
Chromophobia or Chromatophobia    Fear of colors.
Chronophobia    Fear of time.
Chronomentrophobia    Fear of clocks.
Claustrophobia    Fear of confined spaces.
Cleithrophobia or Cleisiophobia    Fear of being locked in an enclosed place.
Climacophobia    Fear of stairs, climbing or of falling downstairs.
Clithrophobia or Cleithrophobia    Fear of being enclosed.
Cometophobia    Fear of comets.
Coimetrophobia    Fear of cemeteries.
Coitophobia    Fear of coitus.
Coprastasophobia    Fear of constipation.
Coprophobia    Fear of feces.
Coulrophobia    Fear of clowns.
Counterphobia    The preference by a phobic for fearful situations.
Cremnophobia    Fear of precipices.
Cryophobia    Fear of extreme cold, ice or frost.
Crystallophobia    Fear of crystals or glass.
Cyberphobia    Fear of computers or working on a computer.
Cyclophobia    Fear of bicycles.
Decidophobia    Fear of making decisions.
Deipnophobia    Fear of dining or dinner conversations.
Demophobia    Fear of crowds. (Agoraphobia)
Dextrophobia    Fear of objects at the right side of the body.
Didaskaleinophobia    Fear of going to school.
Dikephobia    Fear of justice.
Doxophobia    Fear of expressing opinions or of receiving praise.
Dromophobia    Fear of crossing streets.
Dutchphobia    Fear of the Dutch.
Dysmorphophobia    Fear of deformity.
Dystychiphobia    Fear of accidents.
Ecclesiophobia    Fear of church.
Electrophobia    Fear of electricity.
Elurophobia    Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia)
Enochlophobia    Fear of crowds.
Enosiophobia or Enissophobia    Fear of having committed an unpardonable sin or of criticism.
Entomophobia    Fear of insects.
Ergasiophobia    1) Fear of work or functioning. 2) Surgeon's fear of operating.
Erythrophobia, Erytophobia or Ereuthophobia    1) Fear of redlights. 2) Blushing. 3) Red.
Felinophobia    Fear of cats. (Ailurophobia, Elurophobia, Galeophobia, Gatophobia)
Francophobia    Fear of France, French culture. (Gallophobia, Galiophobia)
Frigophobia    Fear of cold, cold things.
Galeophobia or Gatophobia    Fear of cats.
Gallophobia or Galiophobia    Fear France, French culture. (Francophobia)
Geniophobia    Fear of chins.
Gephyrophobia, Gephydrophobia, or Gephysrophobia    Fear of crossing bridges.
Germanophobia    Fear of Germany, German culture, etc.
Glossophobia    Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak.
Haphephobia or Haptephobia    Fear of being touched.
Hellenologophobia    Fear of Greek terms or complex scientific terminology.
Heresyphobia or Hereiophobia    Fear of challenges to official doctrine or of radical deviation.
Herpetophobia    Fear of reptiles or creepy, crawly things.
Hierophobia    Fear of priests or sacred things.
Hormephobia    Fear of shock.
Homophobia    Fear of sameness, monotony or of homosexuality or of becoming homosexual.
Hydrargyophobia    Fear of mercurial medicines.
Iatrophobia    Fear of going to the doctor or of doctors.
Insectophobia    Fear of insects.
Isopterophobia    Fear of termites, insects that eat wood.
Ithyphallophobia    Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.
Japanophobia    Fear of Japanese.
Katagelophobia    Fear of ridicule.
Kenophobia    Fear of voids or empty spaces.
Kolpophobia    Fear of genitals, particularly female.
Kosmikophobia    Fear of cosmic phenomenon.
Leukophobia    Fear of the color white.
Lilapsophobia    Fear of tornadoes and hurricanes.
Lockiophobia    Fear of childbirth.
Logizomechanophobia    Fear of computers.
Lygophobia    Fear of darkness.
Lyssophobia    Fear of rabies or of becoming mad.
Mageirocophobia    Fear of cooking.
Maieusiophobia    Fear of childbirth.
Mechanophobia    Fear of machines.
Medomalacuphobia    Fear of losing an erection.
Medorthophobia    Fear of an erect penis.
Melanophobia    Fear of the color black.
Melophobia    Fear or hatred of music.
Metathesiophobia    Fear of changes.
Methyphobia    Fear of alcohol.
Microbiophobia    Fear of microbes. (Bacillophobia)
Misophobia    Fear of being contaminated with dirt of germs.
Molysmophobia or Molysomophobia    Fear of dirt or contamination.
Musophobia or Murophobia    Fear of mice.
Mysophobia    Fear of germs or contamination or dirt.
Nebulaphobia    Fear of fog. (Homichlophobia)
Nephophobia    Fear of clouds.
Nosophobia or Nosemaphobia    Fear of becoming ill.
Nucleomituphobia    Fear of nuclear weapons.
Obesophobia    Fear of gaining weight.(Pocrescophobia)
Ochlophobia    Fear of crowds or mobs.
Ochophobia    Fear of vehicles.
Onomatophobia    Fear of hearing a certain word or of names.
Opiophobia    Fear medical doctors experience of prescribing needed pain medications for patients.
Pagophobia    Fear of ice or frost.
Paralipophobia    Fear of neglecting duty or responsibility.
Parturiphobia    Fear of childbirth.
Peccatophobia    Fear of sinning. (imaginary crime)
Pediculophobia    Fear of lice.
Pedophobia    Fear of children.
Phalacrophobia    Fear of becoming bald.
Phallophobia    Fear of a penis, esp erect.
Pharmacophobia    Fear of taking medicine.
Phonophobia    Fear of noises or voices or one's own voice; of telephones.
Phthiriophobia    Fear of lice. (Pediculophobia)
Phthisiophobia    Fear of tuberculosis.
Pnigophobia or Pnigerophobia    Fear of choking of being smothered.
Poliosophobia    Fear of contracting poliomyelitis.
Politicophobia    Fear or abnormal dislike of politicians.
Porphyrophobia    Fear of the color purple.
Potophobia    Fear of alcohol.
Pharmacophobia    Fear of drugs.
Proctophobia    Fear of rectum.
Psychrophobia    Fear of cold.
Pteronophobia    Fear of being tickled by feathers.
Rectophobia    Fear of rectum or rectal diseases.
Rhabdophobia    Fear of being severely punished or beaten by a rod, or of being severely criticized. Also fear of magic.(wand)
Rhypophobia    Fear of defecation.
Scabiophobia    Fear of scabies.
Scatophobia    Fear of fecal matter.
Scolionophobia    Fear of school.
Scotophobia    Fear of darkness. (Achluophobia)
Scriptophobia    Fear of writing in public.
Seplophobia    Fear of decaying matter.
Sinophobia    Fear of Chinese, Chinese culture.
Sitophobia or Sitiophobia    Fear of food or eating. (Cibophobia)
Social Phobia    Fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations.
Sociophobia    Fear of society or people in general.
Soteriophobia    Fear of dependence on others.
Spacephobia    Fear of outer space.
Spectrophobia    Fear of specters or ghosts.
Staurophobia    Fear of crosses or the crucifix.
Stenophobia    Fear of narrow things or places.
Suriphobia    Fear of mice.
Taphephobia Taphophobia    Fear of being buried alive or of cemeteries.
Tapinophobia    Fear of being contagious.
Technophobia    Fear of technology.
Teleophobia    1) Fear of definite plans. 2) Religious ceremony.
Teratophobia    Fear of bearing a deformed child or fear of monsters or deformed people.
Tetanophobia    Fear of lockjaw, tetanus.
Textophobia    Fear of certain fabrics.
Thalassophobia    Fear of the sea.
Tocophobia    Fear of pregnancy or childbirth.
Tomophobia    Fear of surgical operations.
Topophobia    Fear of certain places or situations, such as stage fright.
Toxiphobia or Toxophobia or Toxicophobia    Fear of poison or of being accidently poisoned.
Trichinophobia    Fear of trichinosis.
Trichopathophobia or Trichophobia or Hypertrichophobia    Fear of hair. (Chaetophobia)
Tropophobia    Fear of moving or making changes.
Trypanophobia    Fear of injections.
Tuberculophobia    Fear of tuberculosis.
Vaccinophobia    Fear of vaccination.
Vestiphobia    Fear of clothing.
Wiccaphobia    Fear of witches and witchcraft.
Xanthophobia    Fear of the color yellow or the word yellow.
Xylophobia    1) Fear of wooden objects. 2) Forests.[/box]


Phobiaguide.com. www.phobiaguide.com. Impulse Communications, Inc. November 7, 2007.