mobile11/16/06 06:34 - 60ºF - ID#23109
for my daddy
i was going to make this a comment to vycious' post, but realized that the size of this comment would probably make a much better post.
so
vycious,
you can only beat yourself up about what you should, could, would have done only for so long before it turns from overwhelming guilt to overwhelming self pity. We all make mistakes that we wish, till our dying day, we could take back. We've all done slimy, selfish shit that when looked back upon 5, 10, 20 years from now will baffle and embarrass us and make us hang our heads in shame.
My ex-boyfriend refused to spend any time at the hospital with his dying father because "he just couldn't see him that way". this now he realized was code for, i'm a selfish prick that could not put my discomfort on the back burner for the sake of little bit of time that would have ultimately made a huge difference in his and his father's life.
i've been down the same road.
i went to visit my father in poland after being taken from him by my mother 13 years prior. when i returned, he absolutely refused to see me, but i sought him out, surprised him at the door, and had a tearful reunion. he was the most intelligent man i have ever known, who threw away his entire life for a bottle of vodka and lived in a one room shack by the time he was 51. a brilliant geologist who now realized what a tragedy his life had become and was embarrassed that his now adult child had to see him this way. he was ashamed and afraid of what his little girl would think about the father she had once proudly placed on a pedestal.
i, on the other hand, just wanted to see the daddy that had held my hand each sunday morning, when we walked through the woods as he pointed out the moss that grew on trees, or tracks left by deer. i wanted to see the daddy that read me bedtime stories by haans christian andersen, and argued the existence or nonexistence of adam and eve. i wanted the daddy that took me to see my first brue lee movie when i was 5, that taught me to eat properly with a knife and fork when i was 6 and showed me how to tell time by the position of the sun when i was 7. i wanted the daddy that took care of me from the time of my first memories, at around age 4, to the time when my mother returned from america and took me away, at age 8.
i only had two days to spend with him when i arrived for my three week visit to poland, and he tearfully asked that i come back the following week and spend a few more. i had brought a fiend who i had to take back to a different city, so i promised i would. i felt i would. i really wanted to, and planned to do so. i asked him to call me in a couple of days, so that we could make some plans.
however, he never called and i caught the flu that week and felt so worn down and resentful that i decided that if he cared he could just as easily have made the effort to at least call, much less come and see me. so i never went. poland is a very small country. to get from one city to another is like driving around new york state. i was staying with his brother's children, two hours away. he could have taken the bus, or a train. why didn't he? i didn't hear from him at all during the remainder of my stay and returned to the US angry, sad and disappointed.
a week later my mother called my apartment telling me the words, "i have some bad news".
my father whom i loved more than any other human being, who lived as a legend in my perpetually 8 year old psyche, who was my icon, my hero, my teacher, my only real parent, my father who had over the years become a mystical figure of wisdom and misguided genius, was dead.
i waited 13 years, so that i could be old enough to travel out of the country on my own. after seeing him for only two days i promised him that i would come right back so that we could forgive each other for our mistakes. i would finally have the opportunity to tell him that i forgive him for drinking his life away and tell him that despite his rampant addiction, he taught me the lessons that have become the fundamental building blocks of everything that i am; despite having the opportunity to do all of those things and after waiting 13 long years to do it, i threw it away and would now never have the chance to make peace.
a feeling of heavy remorse has sat with me since the day i bid him farewell as a 8 year old who could only think about my wild dreams of america. ever since my mother returned and claimed that she would be taking me back with her, my anticipation of what america would be like, took over. the last day i saw my father was when my mother drove me to the hospital, where he was recovering from spinal surgery to say my final goodbye.
while he lay in that hospital bed for nearly 8 months in a full body cast, crying tears that i could not understand, looking at me without being able to outstretch an arm with which to hold me, while he suffered terribly, not from the body cast but from the fact that he was about to loose his daughter, i stood motionless and emotionless, by his bedside, wondering why no tears were coming from my eyes.
the dark heaviness of that day has cloaked me with guilt for 13 years. i did not feel a tinge of sadness then, all the while knowing that i was about to leave the only parent i knew and loved to go to a country known for its over abundance and wealth with a strange mother I barely knew. i was blinded by the neon lights that i thought america was made of. i was seduced by thoughts of mountains of candy bars and bananas and orange juice, that were unheard of in poland. i was blinded by promises of barrels full of toys and boxes of 64 crayons and bribed with ice cream and pretty dresses. i sold my love for my daddy for a cabbage patch doll and two barbies.
i didn't care that he was crying because he was afraid of never seeing me again, i didn't care that he was crying because our house would now be empty, and there would be no one to read bedtime stories to or take for the sunday walks. i didn't care that he was crying because he was loosing his little girl, the one that tugged on his mustache while sitting on his lap, the one that drew him pictures of butterflies and flowers. the one that wrote with black marker, "i love daddy" on the living room wall. i didn't care because all i wanted was M&M's and Coca Cola.
so 13 years later, when i was now a parent myself and needed forgiveness and wanted to forgive, i threw the chance to reconnect with the most important person in my life, right out of the window. my mother called with the news my father died a few days after i returned to the states. He went into the hospital a few days after i saw him.
he died alone, with no one by his side. not one single person was notified by the hospital. he died completely alone, demented, as a vycious cancer that suddenly spread throughout his entire body ate him alive. he never knew he had cancer. he went into the hospital 3 days after i left, because his back hurt, and was then told that he had cancer in his lungs, stomach, pancreas, bones, liver and brain. he didn't survive the week. very quickly, his body gave up.
and so upon hearing the news, i made my second trip back. i had only been home a week, but i flew back for the funeral and to collect some of his things, things that i now hold as my most valued possessions; letters, pictures, writings. he saved every single letter i sent him and on an old calendar i found the day of my departure circled with the words, "one day we will meet again my love" written in english.
the day of the funeral seemed surreal and unfair. i was just here a few days ago, i thought to myself. i told my mother before the initial trip that i wanted to be able to see my father just in case something should happened to him, just in case he died. that thought will stay with me forever. how could i have known?
and so, when i walked into the room where the coffin, laden with wreaths laid, i cried.
i cried because this seemed so familiar. this is how we said goodbye the first time, when i was 8. he laid still, unable to move, confined this time not to a hospital bed but rather, a coffin. however, this time it was i that cried. this time he held back his tears. this time, it was he who was blinded by the promise of a place with neon lights, and candy, and happiness and peace. this time, he was taking a journey to a place which forbade crying and only had room for smiles and laughter. this time it was he that lay motionless and emotionless and watched me say my tearful good bye the way i should have 13 years prior.
and so i said my goodbye and even now, every once in a while, i repeat it to him and myself. i still ask for his forgiveness for not coming back when i promised. and now i think he has forgiven me just as i have forgiven my self. i still have that regret but it has taught me a valuable lesson. i have learned that regardless of where you are, where youre going or what you have, it's who youre with that matters the most. i have learned that being close to my loved ones is my single most valued attribute. my family and loved ones are the reason i can say that i am happy. having people who love you is irreplaceable and loving them in return is much more gratifying than one might think. we all make mistakes and hurt each other in the process. but we must realize what we did wrong, repair the damage and forgive ourselves and vow to never do it again. no one's judgement is perfect, especially when we're young. that's the beauty of getting older; you become less angry, less selfish, and more giving.
i love you daddy. i'm sorry for not saying goodbye. i am sorry for not coming back. i'm sorry you never got a chance to see your granddaughter; i know she would have adored you, just like i did. you were my hero, my superman, my everything.
you were my daddy.
so
vycious,
you can only beat yourself up about what you should, could, would have done only for so long before it turns from overwhelming guilt to overwhelming self pity. We all make mistakes that we wish, till our dying day, we could take back. We've all done slimy, selfish shit that when looked back upon 5, 10, 20 years from now will baffle and embarrass us and make us hang our heads in shame.
My ex-boyfriend refused to spend any time at the hospital with his dying father because "he just couldn't see him that way". this now he realized was code for, i'm a selfish prick that could not put my discomfort on the back burner for the sake of little bit of time that would have ultimately made a huge difference in his and his father's life.
i've been down the same road.
i went to visit my father in poland after being taken from him by my mother 13 years prior. when i returned, he absolutely refused to see me, but i sought him out, surprised him at the door, and had a tearful reunion. he was the most intelligent man i have ever known, who threw away his entire life for a bottle of vodka and lived in a one room shack by the time he was 51. a brilliant geologist who now realized what a tragedy his life had become and was embarrassed that his now adult child had to see him this way. he was ashamed and afraid of what his little girl would think about the father she had once proudly placed on a pedestal.
i, on the other hand, just wanted to see the daddy that had held my hand each sunday morning, when we walked through the woods as he pointed out the moss that grew on trees, or tracks left by deer. i wanted to see the daddy that read me bedtime stories by haans christian andersen, and argued the existence or nonexistence of adam and eve. i wanted the daddy that took me to see my first brue lee movie when i was 5, that taught me to eat properly with a knife and fork when i was 6 and showed me how to tell time by the position of the sun when i was 7. i wanted the daddy that took care of me from the time of my first memories, at around age 4, to the time when my mother returned from america and took me away, at age 8.
i only had two days to spend with him when i arrived for my three week visit to poland, and he tearfully asked that i come back the following week and spend a few more. i had brought a fiend who i had to take back to a different city, so i promised i would. i felt i would. i really wanted to, and planned to do so. i asked him to call me in a couple of days, so that we could make some plans.
however, he never called and i caught the flu that week and felt so worn down and resentful that i decided that if he cared he could just as easily have made the effort to at least call, much less come and see me. so i never went. poland is a very small country. to get from one city to another is like driving around new york state. i was staying with his brother's children, two hours away. he could have taken the bus, or a train. why didn't he? i didn't hear from him at all during the remainder of my stay and returned to the US angry, sad and disappointed.
a week later my mother called my apartment telling me the words, "i have some bad news".
my father whom i loved more than any other human being, who lived as a legend in my perpetually 8 year old psyche, who was my icon, my hero, my teacher, my only real parent, my father who had over the years become a mystical figure of wisdom and misguided genius, was dead.
i waited 13 years, so that i could be old enough to travel out of the country on my own. after seeing him for only two days i promised him that i would come right back so that we could forgive each other for our mistakes. i would finally have the opportunity to tell him that i forgive him for drinking his life away and tell him that despite his rampant addiction, he taught me the lessons that have become the fundamental building blocks of everything that i am; despite having the opportunity to do all of those things and after waiting 13 long years to do it, i threw it away and would now never have the chance to make peace.
a feeling of heavy remorse has sat with me since the day i bid him farewell as a 8 year old who could only think about my wild dreams of america. ever since my mother returned and claimed that she would be taking me back with her, my anticipation of what america would be like, took over. the last day i saw my father was when my mother drove me to the hospital, where he was recovering from spinal surgery to say my final goodbye.
while he lay in that hospital bed for nearly 8 months in a full body cast, crying tears that i could not understand, looking at me without being able to outstretch an arm with which to hold me, while he suffered terribly, not from the body cast but from the fact that he was about to loose his daughter, i stood motionless and emotionless, by his bedside, wondering why no tears were coming from my eyes.
the dark heaviness of that day has cloaked me with guilt for 13 years. i did not feel a tinge of sadness then, all the while knowing that i was about to leave the only parent i knew and loved to go to a country known for its over abundance and wealth with a strange mother I barely knew. i was blinded by the neon lights that i thought america was made of. i was seduced by thoughts of mountains of candy bars and bananas and orange juice, that were unheard of in poland. i was blinded by promises of barrels full of toys and boxes of 64 crayons and bribed with ice cream and pretty dresses. i sold my love for my daddy for a cabbage patch doll and two barbies.
i didn't care that he was crying because he was afraid of never seeing me again, i didn't care that he was crying because our house would now be empty, and there would be no one to read bedtime stories to or take for the sunday walks. i didn't care that he was crying because he was loosing his little girl, the one that tugged on his mustache while sitting on his lap, the one that drew him pictures of butterflies and flowers. the one that wrote with black marker, "i love daddy" on the living room wall. i didn't care because all i wanted was M&M's and Coca Cola.
so 13 years later, when i was now a parent myself and needed forgiveness and wanted to forgive, i threw the chance to reconnect with the most important person in my life, right out of the window. my mother called with the news my father died a few days after i returned to the states. He went into the hospital a few days after i saw him.
he died alone, with no one by his side. not one single person was notified by the hospital. he died completely alone, demented, as a vycious cancer that suddenly spread throughout his entire body ate him alive. he never knew he had cancer. he went into the hospital 3 days after i left, because his back hurt, and was then told that he had cancer in his lungs, stomach, pancreas, bones, liver and brain. he didn't survive the week. very quickly, his body gave up.
and so upon hearing the news, i made my second trip back. i had only been home a week, but i flew back for the funeral and to collect some of his things, things that i now hold as my most valued possessions; letters, pictures, writings. he saved every single letter i sent him and on an old calendar i found the day of my departure circled with the words, "one day we will meet again my love" written in english.
the day of the funeral seemed surreal and unfair. i was just here a few days ago, i thought to myself. i told my mother before the initial trip that i wanted to be able to see my father just in case something should happened to him, just in case he died. that thought will stay with me forever. how could i have known?
and so, when i walked into the room where the coffin, laden with wreaths laid, i cried.
i cried because this seemed so familiar. this is how we said goodbye the first time, when i was 8. he laid still, unable to move, confined this time not to a hospital bed but rather, a coffin. however, this time it was i that cried. this time he held back his tears. this time, it was he who was blinded by the promise of a place with neon lights, and candy, and happiness and peace. this time, he was taking a journey to a place which forbade crying and only had room for smiles and laughter. this time it was he that lay motionless and emotionless and watched me say my tearful good bye the way i should have 13 years prior.
and so i said my goodbye and even now, every once in a while, i repeat it to him and myself. i still ask for his forgiveness for not coming back when i promised. and now i think he has forgiven me just as i have forgiven my self. i still have that regret but it has taught me a valuable lesson. i have learned that regardless of where you are, where youre going or what you have, it's who youre with that matters the most. i have learned that being close to my loved ones is my single most valued attribute. my family and loved ones are the reason i can say that i am happy. having people who love you is irreplaceable and loving them in return is much more gratifying than one might think. we all make mistakes and hurt each other in the process. but we must realize what we did wrong, repair the damage and forgive ourselves and vow to never do it again. no one's judgement is perfect, especially when we're young. that's the beauty of getting older; you become less angry, less selfish, and more giving.
i love you daddy. i'm sorry for not saying goodbye. i am sorry for not coming back. i'm sorry you never got a chance to see your granddaughter; i know she would have adored you, just like i did. you were my hero, my superman, my everything.
you were my daddy.
Permalink: for_my_daddy.html
Words: 1905
Location: Buffalo, NY
11/14/06 07:22 - 43ºF - ID#23108
santa, i want.....
hmmm, been so busy lately. not enough time to post much of anything. did i mention how much i like my job?
yes?
oh, ok.
did i mention how much i like nelly furtado's new song, maneater? this will be my new user sound and since i never change my user sounds it will be around for a while.
i can't believe the holidays are around the corner. are we going to do secret santa for estrip?
pleeeeease?
AND
i'm finally getting LAID!!!
yes?
oh, ok.
did i mention how much i like nelly furtado's new song, maneater? this will be my new user sound and since i never change my user sounds it will be around for a while.
i can't believe the holidays are around the corner. are we going to do secret santa for estrip?
pleeeeease?
AND
i'm finally getting LAID!!!
Permalink: santa_i_want_.html
Words: 83
Location: Buffalo, NY
11/05/06 10:49 - 46ºF - ID#23107 
chinese buffet and a gig for half price
first of all I finally got my new phone, the super sweet sprint pocket pc 6700! and it only cost 199 with a mail in rebate. then I went to best buy and boght a 1 gig SD card that was originaly 64.99, but who's sticker said 44.99 and a 10 dollar mail in rebate. so I went to the register to pay and it rings up 64.
I tell the girl that's its supposed to be 44 and she has no clue what I'm talking about. iwalk back to the placke I picked it up from and ask the chick whether I'm crazy or they are. she looks at me kind weird abd starts peeling the sticker off of the haning thingy where the cards are hooked. and so I'm like these are 44, right? and she doesn't say anything. so I finally say, can you please come to the register with me? and she does and says to the manager, I forgot to take the tag off. so he now has toring it for me at the 44 dollar price. I tell him to make sure he prints the mail in rebate, and he says, of course! but it didn't. and so he had to re-ring it at the 34 price, cuz no mail in rebate was no longer available.
HA! I saved 30 bucks!!
we the went to the new chinese grand buffet that oppened at the boulevard mall. it wasn't super spectacular, but not bad. its good if you want all kinds of crabs and oysters and mussles.
somone please tell me if these pics are big enough, since this is my first mobile post.
they look reeeely tiny on my screen here.
I tell the girl that's its supposed to be 44 and she has no clue what I'm talking about. iwalk back to the placke I picked it up from and ask the chick whether I'm crazy or they are. she looks at me kind weird abd starts peeling the sticker off of the haning thingy where the cards are hooked. and so I'm like these are 44, right? and she doesn't say anything. so I finally say, can you please come to the register with me? and she does and says to the manager, I forgot to take the tag off. so he now has toring it for me at the 44 dollar price. I tell him to make sure he prints the mail in rebate, and he says, of course! but it didn't. and so he had to re-ring it at the 34 price, cuz no mail in rebate was no longer available.
HA! I saved 30 bucks!!
we the went to the new chinese grand buffet that oppened at the boulevard mall. it wasn't super spectacular, but not bad. its good if you want all kinds of crabs and oysters and mussles.
somone please tell me if these pics are big enough, since this is my first mobile post.
they look reeeely tiny on my screen here.
Permalink: chinese_buffet_and_a_gig_for_half_price.html
Words: 287
Location: Buffalo, NY
11/03/06 02:04 - 39ºF - ID#23106
where in the world?
ok, where is (e:metalpeter) ? where has he gone? does anybody know?
Permalink: where_in_the_world_.html
Words: 12
Location: Buffalo, NY
10/22/06 09:31 - 50ºF - ID#23105
the departed
oh man, i went to see "the departed" and can i just tell you how fucking awesome this movie was?
dicaprio was so badass and so hot and should get a oscar nomination for this. scorcese SHOULD win best director without a doubt .everyone, from jack nicholson to matt damon to marky mark, was superb. this was def was one of the best movies i've EVER seen. the character develpment was off the chain and the story was so complex and convoluted that you can't help but to hold your breath from start to finish. everyone, everyone must go out and see this film.
dicaprio was so badass and so hot and should get a oscar nomination for this. scorcese SHOULD win best director without a doubt .everyone, from jack nicholson to matt damon to marky mark, was superb. this was def was one of the best movies i've EVER seen. the character develpment was off the chain and the story was so complex and convoluted that you can't help but to hold your breath from start to finish. everyone, everyone must go out and see this film.
Permalink: the_departed.html
Words: 104
Location: Buffalo, NY
10/21/06 07:49 - 46ºF - ID#23104
finally
i finally got my mother fucking electricity back! FUCK YEAH!
Permalink: finally.html
Words: 10
Location: Buffalo, NY
10/17/06 09:36 - 49ºF - ID#23103
WTF!
I'm tired of living like a fucking cavewoman. work is my only salvation. i need fucking lights, heat and regular food!!!!!!!!!! all i do is sit in front of the wood burning stove and stare at the fire. the first few days it was kind of fun and romantic and i drank three nights in a row. then on sunday, i was cold, miserable and hung over. now i'm just exhausted and mad. i'm sick of having to empty the damn sump pump ever two hours and now that its raining, i'm sure it'll be much more often. we are out of batteries and can't even listen to the radio. fuck this. i swear i will never be able to stand the smell of a camp fire ever again.
Permalink: WTF_.html
Words: 129
Location: Buffalo, NY
10/09/06 07:09 - 65ºF - ID#23102
who am i?
Permalink: who_am_i_.html
Words: 11
Location: Buffalo, NY
10/10/06 02:48 - 63ºF - ID#23101
why now?
i knew there was a reason why i didn't want to feel anything for anyone.
i think i wrote a post about this a while ago. about how much i dislike passion. it makes you so happy or so sad. and passion wouldn't be so bad if it only came by itself, but add caring to the equation, and you can no longer think straight.
and all you can think about is how this person feels and how they make you feel, and how you just want to spend your days with your head pressed against their chest, listening to their heart as it whispers everything you've ever wanted to hear. and the longer you lay there, the safer you feel, and the safer you feel, the more scared you become of it going away.
i hate having feelings and i have an inkling that they hate me too.
i think i wrote a post about this a while ago. about how much i dislike passion. it makes you so happy or so sad. and passion wouldn't be so bad if it only came by itself, but add caring to the equation, and you can no longer think straight.
and all you can think about is how this person feels and how they make you feel, and how you just want to spend your days with your head pressed against their chest, listening to their heart as it whispers everything you've ever wanted to hear. and the longer you lay there, the safer you feel, and the safer you feel, the more scared you become of it going away.
i hate having feelings and i have an inkling that they hate me too.
Permalink: why_now_.html
Words: 149
Location: Buffalo, NY
10/05/06 07:06 - 54ºF - ID#23100
god, i love my job
i hope i still feel this way next year. i got my first paycheck today and i love money too.
minesota was hot, tempature wise. they were having twins games on tues and wednesday and both times 50 thousand fans attended the games. AT TWELVE NOON. don't these people have to work?
i finally finished my database, thanks to my database master. i owe him a lot. my boss thinks i'm a genius. BJ's on the way, buddy!
the sweet home school district is doing their own evaluation of faben. to see if she REALLY has asperger's. there is so much paperwork to fill out. they just don't take your word for it.
why is it that i filled out my car registation renewal online 3 weeks ago and i STILL have not gotten the sticker. now i have to hid from the parking police cuz i already got a ticket for it. i'm not going to fight it, i have so many tickets already, what's another to add to the list.
it's my ex-ex's birthday today. he's so sad, i promised to take him out for dinner, since he's got no one else to take him. when i told him that, he thought it would be worth a shot to thorw in a begging for birthday booty. i'm not that nice, and he's not that worthy. AND this man that i sat on the plane with, that is going through this awful divorce cuz his wife got bored, asked me to marry him and move to philladelphia with him.
i must be giving of sex me sents these days.
minesota was hot, tempature wise. they were having twins games on tues and wednesday and both times 50 thousand fans attended the games. AT TWELVE NOON. don't these people have to work?
i finally finished my database, thanks to my database master. i owe him a lot. my boss thinks i'm a genius. BJ's on the way, buddy!
the sweet home school district is doing their own evaluation of faben. to see if she REALLY has asperger's. there is so much paperwork to fill out. they just don't take your word for it.
why is it that i filled out my car registation renewal online 3 weeks ago and i STILL have not gotten the sticker. now i have to hid from the parking police cuz i already got a ticket for it. i'm not going to fight it, i have so many tickets already, what's another to add to the list.
it's my ex-ex's birthday today. he's so sad, i promised to take him out for dinner, since he's got no one else to take him. when i told him that, he thought it would be worth a shot to thorw in a begging for birthday booty. i'm not that nice, and he's not that worthy. AND this man that i sat on the plane with, that is going through this awful divorce cuz his wife got bored, asked me to marry him and move to philladelphia with him.
i must be giving of sex me sents these days.
Permalink: god_i_love_my_job.html
Words: 268
Location: Buffalo, NY
Author Info
Date Cloud
Category Cloud
- User must have at least 3 blogs in one category for categories list to show.
More Entries
After This
My Fav Posts
- This user has zero favorite blogs selected ;(
hiking recovery 
Hummus ? 
Nephew's Art 
Spring Feelz 
Hello hello 
moz://a
very moving, (e:imk) Your story made me feel an emotional spectrum- of which was brought through your writing style. You have a special knack for it, that much is evident.
in chat earlier you stated that you needed a man to make you feel good...I completely respect that...we all need things to make ourselves feel good..som use drugs..some family..some use significant others and sex...none are better than an other....most people aren't secure enough to admit it.
Seriously though, nice post. Touching. My father dying is about my biggest fear.
p.s. the peeps love you!