(e:zobar) is going to Little Rock tomorrow, for the weekend. I am going to be alone! I am sort of torn between being psyched at a change of pace, and distressed: I am never apart from (e:zobar) and don't know if I'll know what to do with myself.

I'd ask people if there was anything going on that I could do by myself, but I'll be working all four nights he's gone, until about 9, so I don't know that I'll really be all that able to get up to mischief. Oh well...

Seems like a good time to do all those things I like to do that Z doesn't,but there aren't really all that many. I'll probably just snooze on the couch the whole time...

When (e:zobar) says I took "a mental health day" he neglects to mention that I was lightheaded, disconnected, and seeing goddamned pink elephants.
OK, maybe not elephants, but everything was pretty colors and I was completely disconnected from real life. I woke up groggy and sinus-achey and took a Sudafed-- one, one half-dose, of Sudafed-- and promptly became so fucking high. I mean, the previous night I'd smoked a joint and had three beers and had not been this high. But today, eighteen hours later, one little tablet for the sniffles and I was out of this world.

Going to work on a high like that seemed to be a relatively bad idea. So instead I went to brunch, held my shit together reasonably well, and then went to hit the art festival.

We hit all the festivals, and stopped by Neitsche's. Joe-the-owner was working the door, and charged us the cover but then instructed the bartender to give us a beer. So we each had a beer. Whereupon I was high AND wasted. (Mind you, the Sudafed had been consumed about six hours previous by this point, so I couldn't even tell you what the hell was wrong with me.)
We sat in there in the blessed loud darkness for two or three hours all told, and later did a shot with Joe, followed by a beer chaser.

I tell you, Allentown is at its best when you can't really see straight. I had a blast.
And it's the only time in about the last week that I haven't had a headache. Freaking cold of Doom, here-- I almost called in *last* Sunday, but decided against it. It's sort of ridiculous by this point. I've felt so bad for so long that work must think I'm making it up. At the moment my sinuses are better but I have this killer headache-- I had a glass of red wine with dinner, followed by two cups of coffee and three of water (and it's not like the diuretic effects dehydrated me, as I haven't been to the ladies' room even once, camel-like creature that I am)... Man.

But anyway. Saw the Art Festival while so fucking high and have decided that it's the best way to go. I just wish I knew what it was that made me like that, and that I could kind of do it on command, as it's sort of not a good way to live one's life.


In other news, I want to start making my own clothes. Does anyone do that, around here? In particular (and this is what makes me either weird or dumb), I want to make my own foundation undergarments. Why? Because the only bras I have that fit me cost me like $50 and had to be imported from Britain.
I don't even know what size I am in American sizes, but in British sizes I'm a 34/36F/FF.

I'm glad we've been having all this rain, as it saves me having to water the garden where I just planted more stuff, but it sort of bums me out because I have so much more garden work to do. Oh well. I have work-work to go to instead anyway, and I'm so battered and exhausted from that...
Note to everybody: If flying anywhere in the summer, book your flight in the morning, because in the afternoons, often thunderstorm systems roll in, making the air unflyable. Thunderstorms generate dangerous turbulence and airliners cannot fly in them. If you are flying in the afternoon or evening, there's a damn good chance there'll be weather either this end or at the other, and it means you'll be sitting in the airport bar for an awful long time. Ask (e:jenks) how much a beer costs there, because if I told you, you wouldn't believe me.

Also, when your plane's delayed and you go into the bar, please understand that pretty much the entire rest of your flight just did the same thing, and so the bartenders might be a little overwhelmed. Please have a tiny bit of patience and don't snap at us. Also, when you suddenly realize ZOMG MY PLANE'S LEAVING RIGHT THIS SECOND, perhaps that's not the best time to pay the check, because guess what? The rest of your flight's passengers are probably all saying the exact same thing. Chill out a minute, ok? And next time, don't ignore the waitress for three hours when she asks if you need anything.

Sigh. Good to have that off my chest.

In other news, I really want to buy a harp and learn to play it. Would that be silly? I've studied piano and guitar, so how hard could it be? And they're not all that much on ebay.
A recent Getting Fired (I Wish) scare at work has convinced me not to buy any big-ticket items (like a new computer), so I'm sucking it up with the two I have. But I could get a harp. I'll get a busker's license and if I get fired I'll at least raise the money I spent on the instrument, right?
It's just so hard for me to talk myself into spending money on myself.

Nice weather today.
Laughing at (e:carolinian)'s National Grid saga, as I actually sat down at my computer just now with the express purpose of checking whether I'd paid my National Grid bill, as I just got another, vaguely threatening letter from them but am sure I did just pay them. And, indeed, I did, and it went through a week ago, so I've no idea what they're on about. Dumbasses.

(e:zobar) is wearing a very cool t-shirt today. I hope he'll post a picture.

I have a Saga going on at work, and I'm more amused than annoyed. As I explained to the union steward, I sort of am hoping they'll fire me, because it's too good a job to quit, but I'm damn sick of the bullshit there. Which puts me in a perfect position to fight all my grievances with the union, because The Worst That Could Happen is that they fire me, which I sort of wanted anyway.
The hardest part is that I can't do anything else that would give them an excuse to fire me.

My parents' visit was awesome. We didn't really do any activities at all-- just hung around the house and did work, and then ate out a few cool places and took pictures of pretty stones (and one wild turkey) in Forest Lawn cemetery.
But I miss my folks already.

I am having an idea about another column I could write for the newspaper. It seems overambitious, however. I should stop with this already.
I am feeling a little smug, however, to find out that the other, long-time restaurant critic has also been put on hold lately, so it's not just me who's not getting to write anything. Ha. I guess I feel a bit better about being ignored.

I've just completed one major spring cleaning task.
This is something that's taken me four years to do.

I paid off one of my student loans!!


Now, in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. I have one big sucka of a loan left, five digits, that's the bulk of my education expenses, and I've barely made a dent in that. But my final year of school, the financial aid office in their infinite wisdom decided that since my older sister had graduated, they would cut their aid to me.
Despite the fact that my younger sister had just started school.

So, with absolutely no notice or anything, they simply slashed my aid and sent us a bigger bill. It was only after several months of fruitless inquiry that they finally saw fit to explain this to us.
Worse, they'd cut my work-study funding, which was how i was able to have a job. My job of three years was over, because my wages were no longer subsidized.
They offered to give me work-study as a loan, which would mean that I was paid for the work I did in money they were loaning me. "Couldn't you just, you know, loan me the money and not make me work for it?" I asked. It seemed dumb for me to have to work to earn money I'd have to repay. "Sure," they said, and thus, The Smaller Student Loan was born.

It's at twice the interest of the big loan. I meant to just pay it off in one fell swoop. But I've never had the cash. Until today! Well, until last month. My tax refund just about covers it, so I was just waiting for the next statement to arrive. This loan is from some shady company that totally sold my information to credit card companies, and when I was unemployed and asked for a deferment they gave it to me but then turned my bill over to a collections agency anyway, so I hate them and am glad to be rid of them.

I guess it's time for some spring cleaning. My folks are coming this weekend, although their response when I said that Z would entertain them for a few hours on Sunday since I couldn't get out of work was to say that they'd simply not come out until Sunday night. Which shaves a day and a half off their visit, and means there won't be any time really with all four of us together, and breaks my heart. I had so many things I wanted to do with all four of us, and now, Z will be at work the whole time we're here. "But we can have dinner together" is nice, but dinner is not the same as day trips and you know, Dad helping Z fix the goddamn snowblower already.

So that's what had me so sad the other day, and I'm still not quite back to normal. I think I'm having some sort of hormonal something, because I've been feeling unusually worthless of late-- you know how that happens sometimes? I tried to go clothes shopping and wound up sitting in the car crying because I was ugly and incompetent and fat and what-have-you. These things are always very annoying, and I cannot wait for them to be over. However, I can't feel better just by wishing, so I have to wait it out.

I did successfully buy one thing-- a Macbook for Z. (He's promised to pay me back.) It's cute and sexy and I want one. Problem is, I have two computers already. Neither one is perfect-- the laptop needs repairs and is underpowered and under-hard-drived, but I only bought it as a second computer anyway. The desktop is fine but it's a desktop and I can't take it with me everywhere I need a computer.

I really want to get rid of both of those and just get myself a nice new laptop already.
And it's got me thinking: I own too many things that I'm not quite satisfied with but don't quite dare throw out. All these clothes that don't quite suit me, but aren't worn out enough to discard. All these possessions that I don't really enjoy, but I can't justify replacing.

I'm thinking it's about time for me to just scrap everything I don't love. No more hanging on because it's the best I've got. I've been working extra hours lately, and have a bit of extra money. I should just bite the bullet and toss everything that doesn't satisfy me. If it's something I can't live without, I'll replace it with something, but it has to be something perfect. No more half-measures. If it isn't exactly what I need, I don't want it. My life is too cluttered with things I have because I couldn't find anything better, or because they're not broken enough yet to replace.


Does anyone need a used iMac or iBook G4? Do let me know: I'm willing to let either one go relatively cheap. :)

And if you have a thing for old t-shirts, do let me know.

I am thoroughly sad this morning, to the point of being puffy-eyed and snotty-nosed. So attractive, and also, so mature. I am far too old to be this useless, but oh well.

So to distract myself I decided to crack open Photoshop. See, I read Astronomy Photo of the Day pretty much daily. (I have an RSS feed in my LJ friendslist, if you must know.)
Today's photo is of an astronaut doing some spacewalky thing.

I looked at it, and immediately thought of an improvement. So I got out Photoshop, and fixed it:



Click the link! Funny picture! Bonus points if you can see a small reference to current events!

I am so funny. I win at Photoshop.

I'm feeling eversoslightly blue tonight. I've just realized that the stupid damn novel I've spent like a year and a half working on wants to be a trilogy. And nobody but nobody sells a trilogy as her first novel. You just don't.
So I have to put it aside and work on something else. WHich is okay. I need something less ambitious anyway. I could never polish this one into publishable format, not as invested as I am in it-- I have known for a while that I'd have to work up something else.
But oh my God, why the hell does it have to be a trilogy? *weeps* It's like getting accidentally pregnant, deciding to roll with it, and then finding out it's goddamned triplets or something. Jesus. Give me a break here.

So anyhow. I'm changing my journal music and putting up a blues song, just for now. The Susan Tedeschi Band, from the album Better Days: "Hound Dog", most famously done by Elvis.
I was going to put another of her songs up on Gather but after three attempts I'm giving up-- every time, Gather would sit there turning over for a while and then give me the blank Upload screen again, with no number and no confirmation email, so I guess it's not taking new submissions! Oh well.



I have an etiquette question, or a fashion question, or something. (e:zobar) is in a wedding next month. It's an afternoon wedding, and then there's a fancy reception in the evening. (The reception's at 6:30, so, the dinner hour I suppose.)
What the hell do I wear?
And where in Buffalo do I find such a whatever to wear?
Do I need an evening gown?
Where does a girl go to find an evening gown in Buffalo?
Particularly if said girl is an awkward not-fat-not-skinny size? (I am a size 12/14 but have a 34F bust, which means NOTHING FITS and God preserve me from high-necked fashions.)

And do I need a different outfit for the wedding, since the wedding itself is not an evening affair? (One of Z's buddies got married last year or so and everyone showed up to the reception in a different gown than they'd worn to the church! My head about exploded. I didn't know such a thing was possible.)

The single number one issue I have that makes my job unendurable is that I will never ever ever have a holiday off. Any kind of holiday. If there is a day that other people want off, I will not have it off. Day off requests are granted by seniority. I do not have seniority.

My parents have a long weekend at Memorial Day and are coming out to visit me. They have not visited me since July last year. I have not seen them at all since February this year. Ours is a close family, but we never get to see one another. It is more than a little sad.

So my folks are making the 300 mile drive to come see me. I put in as soon as I knew this, and requested off that weekend.

I finally heard back yesterday. I can have the Saturday off, but not the Sunday. Someone more senior to me is also being denied that Sunday off, because we just don't have enough staff to cover it.

The scheduler knows that I rarely request days off and still more rarely actually get them, and so when I do, it's because I really need them. But still.

So. My parents will be here Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I will be at work on Sunday from 11:30 until, well, maybe 2pm if it's dead, maybe 8 pm if it's busy, and there isn't any way of knowing. It depends on the whim of a manager.

So where should I send my folks during that time? I thought of having (e:zobar) take them on some kind of day trip out of town, but then I thought: what if they let me go after just two hours? And I come home, and they're off somewhere, so I end up bumming around alone?

I thought of a few things-- Niagara Falls, the Zoo, a ballgame if there's one going on-- but I'm open to suggestions. (Last time my folks came to town they caught the Naval Museum downtown-- the big ships in the water, which was a big hit with my historian parents-- and the Albright-Knox, which was a hit with my former-museum-curator mother.)
Anyone else have suggestions? My folks like outdoorsy stuff, history stuff, Mom likes baseball, both like architecture and art. They've both been to Niagara Falls in their lives but I don't know how recently. They'll have a car, and (e:zobar) to be their guide. And I may want to join them in the middle, but may not.

Ahh. Brief nap, chill-out session, rereading a story I like, and I feel better. It's raining now, which makes me happy-- it's a soft rain, and I just planted a bunch of plants-- all my peppers are out now, and the few zinneas I got to sprout, and if it weren't raining I'd worry about them wilting. Especially a couple of the peppers-- I should have separated them. I put four seeds in each big container, and they've been in there twelve weeks now. Several of them, only one or two of the seeds sprouted, and those were fine, but in a couple of them, all four came up, and I should have separated the survivors. Today they were an indistinguishable tangle of roots, and a couple of the plants may not survive having been separated. The tomatoes fared better, but then, it took them a shorter time to get this tall. (I started the peppers a couple of weeks before the tomatoes.)

I have writing to do but I am very tired, for some reason, and feel quite daunted by the prospect of the task.

But. New journal music, slightly mournful but upbeat: Billy Bragg, "A New England".
I don't want to change the world
I'm not looking for a new England
I'm just looking for another girl
goes the chorus, and I kind of empathise. There are so many things I object to so strongly in what is going on in the world today, things that are being done in our names without the slightest respect for our wishes. But I can't make my brain operate on that scale. I can barely cope with the individual-scaled issues that confront me; how can I even begin to grapple with the humankind-scaled issues?

Not to be overly serious. My favorite line of the song is this one:
I saw two shooting stars last night
I wished on them, but they were only sattelites
Is it wrong to wish on space hardware?
I wish, I wish, I wish you cared.

If you want a copy yourself, (e:zobar) taught me to use Gather this morning.
I love Billy Bragg's aesthetic. This is one of his solo songs, just him and an electric guitar. I was going to upload one of the ones he did with Wilco, but this one was easier to get. (The other one was in AAC format.) And this one's more apt to my mood.

Ah, yes. The number.
Gather #: 0720492001147722419