an insane week.

up until now, i had decided to live with my dad, so my mom was gonna move to arizona to live with her parents. i did this because my mom was drinking too much and i just thought that i'd be safer with my dad. obviously, this was not going to work out.
i've had a horrendous summer. no way to work because i haven't had a way to get to a job, no way to leave this stupid house because my dad's an asshole. and i can't do it anymore. i can't have him blowing up at me. i can't try and be a better person and get my shit together with him yelling at me all the time and expecting perfection when it's just not going to come. i'd make it come if i could, but i can't.
so two days ago he blew up at me about something stupid. except he was really scary. scary in the way he used to be, before he said he'd changed. it's the first time it happened in a long time, but i felt like the entire way there i had this sword of damocles hanging over my head. how am i supposed to try and be happy with all that pressure over my head? he could've blown up at any second, and he finally did. i won't go into the things he said, but they brought back enough of my past to solidify my decision. i'm living with my mother.

the divorce was supposed to be over today, but now it'll probably go on for another year because of my decision. we're all three of us going to have to stay here. we've been forced to stay living together for the past year and a half by the courts. i don't have any way to get to school or any money for school clothes or supplies which, sounds so bratty, but i can't help it.
i just got off the phone with my dad and he was talking about how mom and i won't have any money for college and how i'm going to end up pregnant.

kids take out student loans all the time, right?



i just don't see why he'd keep bothering if he hates me so much, i mean clearly.

gah. i need beer, and we are out. i suppose tequila will have to suffice.

um, so yeah. i don't know where to begin.
more to come later, if i can bring myself upright in bed.

um, so yeah. i just now finished my new party dress, made from curtains...

it's either the coolest thing i've ever made or the ugliest.





i'm having coffee with my friend wendy tomorrow nite (actually, tonite) because she leaves to go back to college on saturday. saying goodbye to friends is really fucking sucky. i'm hoping i'll be able to stay awake long enough to party, as anything past eleven is definitely past this little girl's bedtime.
can't wait to meet some fellow (e:strip)pers!

hope everyone is sleeping well.
love, alison.

ugh, headache again.

went to the reservation with my mother today, part of our little bonding ritual where we eat mcdonalds and she buys me a carton of cigarettes. then we went to terrapin station for burnables and i tried to convince her to buy me a pipe, to no avail. tonite, i should really start my summer homework, though i have a terrible creative itch to screw around in my jrnl. ah well. i don't think i'm going to the little shindig tomorrow nite, on account of having no way of getting there and back to the fair road of middlesex.

(e:ladycroft): yr produce is AMAZING!! je suis very impressed.

am sewing up my party dress for friday nite from bedclothes and watching the dreamers, which, by the way, is a great movie. so far, the top bit has turned out lovely, though i can't decide how to do the skirt. normally i wouldn't bother, but i really don't fancy spending hours prancing about in a plastic bag. still not positive that i'm going though, i guess it depends on whether or not i'm in the mood for debauchery come friday evening, or moreover in the mood for taking the trek from middlesex to weneverclose when it's dark outside. yeah, i'm a chicken.
i love how, in this movie, everyone is always smoking. even while they're eating. now, i realize that that's how a lot of people live, especially in france (and especially during that time), but it's still weird to see. i really want to smoke while eating a meal, as gross as that sounds.

hey if anyone's going to the get-together on friday at 1041 Elmwood, could i steal a ride? i'm sweet, cute, and can fit in most overhead storage compartments! i don't live far, but i don't fancy walking around elmwood in the dark... much love and the smoking of a bowl goes to to the (e:strip)pin' friend who wants to be my jeeves for the evening.

never underestimate the power of a great orgasm.

watched the series finale of sixfeetunder last nite, an amazing show. i won't spoil anything here, but the last 10 minutes are perfection. i love lauren ambrose. i was balling throughout the entire episode, and, right at the end, my friends jim and wendy called to go to spot, so i ran out into the nite all red and puffy and explained how sometimes yr fine, and then something like a really sad episode of sixfeet can just send you over the edge into the land of streaked makeup and runny noses.
this morning, i woke up at 8:30 in preparation for my backtoschoolschedule. i really want to be asleep right now. however, i was a very good girl this morning. i got up, walked to totaltan, walked back (had a slimfast shake on the face), showered, and am now chilling out back in the attic with nothing to do for the rest of the day. and by nothing, i mean NOTHING. i should probably do my summer work seeing as it's due in two weeks. blargh.
actually, i have nothing to do until school starts in two weeks but an 8 am doctor's appt tomorrow morning, making sure my dad orders my senior pictures, going clothes shopping on wednesday, and buying my school books on the 29th... and tanning, because i'll need to be dark for the first morning back and it's inevitable horrors. basically, it's one hundred upper-upper class white girls showing off their new designer brand clothes and saying 'like, omg, what did you do this summer? i love yr hair!' then, the person walks away, and the girl speaking says, 'omg, her hair is like, totally grody.'

i kid you not. the girls of the buffalo seminary need no embellishment.

did i ever write about yoga on friday? WELL, never again. it was like, 110 degrees in that room, and i almost passed out. the whole time, all i could think of was, 'need. smoke. NOW.' then, on top of feeling like one of those kids in the anti-drugs commercials who take ecstasy and end up dying on the floor of some rave, i also felt inferior because i couldn't place my foot squarely on the small of my back.
and i paid a lot of money to feel this way. NEVER AGAIN.


these little girls I often babysit have a hopscotch mat (because, apparently, kids can't just use chalk anymore) with a picture of a different disney princess in each square. after they went to bed, i found myself staring at this thing. i've always really related to number 8, Belle from Beauty and the Beast, and how she always craved adventure and romance and didn't fit in with everyone around her because she was a dreamer. number 5, Mulan- I get her too. she was willing to do anything to be a good daughter and was torn between who she was and who people wanted her to be.
but number 3, Sleeping Beauty, now she I just envy. she got to just pass out one nite and wake up again when things were dandy and she had a boyfriend and the world made sense, and she in it. that lucky slut. she traded a kiss for happiness... now why did it work for her and not me?
i confess, i have a bit of a lolita complex.

yeah, i'm a dork.

i am in one bad-ass period-inspired mood. emotional roller coaster? an understatement.
so i've been having a ton of trouble with my weight lately. i'm big, and i weigh even more than i look like i weigh. lately the way i look has been bothering me more and more after watching that show 'America's Next Top Model', seeing Mischa Barton on the OC, and going to school with a bunch of hundred-pound, Prada-carrying bitches. it's getting on my nerves. so a couple weeks ago i started watching what i eat- definitely not a diet or anything, i still eat what i want, i just try to eat less of it and eat as little as possible. and it's been really hard to not just sit down and binge eat in front of the television, cause i haven't gone out in months, and i've been working really hard to try and get skinny. i want to lose 30 lbs so badly it kills me sometimes.
my dad, who, one year ago, weighed about 240 lbs, now weighs about 180 lbs. he works out 6 days a week with a personal trainer and isn't on a diet but rather a "lifestyle" where he eats a bunch of steak and vegetables and protein shakes but no carbs whatsoever. so today, he and i were at wegman's, and he was scrutinizing everything i bought. so i went and got a couple slimfast shakes and saw that they're only 180 calories and a meal supplement, so i figured that maybe i could have them in the morning when i normally skip breakfast, and that that would be better than a pop tart or mcdonalds. so he starts freaking out on me about how i bought all this other fattening stuff and then those shakes. i said that on the slimfast bottle it says that people dieting should eat no less than 1200 calories a day, and how i know i used to eat that easily, but don't anymore, and he was like 'i've seen you eat 1200 calorie french fries!', and i just flipped. i said how i KNOW but he wasn't listening to me because i said i USED to eat that much but i havent in WEEKS and maybe if he were around a little more he'd know that.
i swear, he doesn't know fucking anything. i could go out and stay out all fucking nite and he wouldn't know, it's disgusting.


gah. okay. </rant>

i need to get out. this attic is getting smaller by the second. anyone doing anything tonite? give a call.

There is nothing so intimidating as a blank page.