11/22/05 12:30 - ID#20643
I can't deal with this college thang, I can't do it. I don't know how any of it works or how the money works or where it comes from, or who I send things to or when I need to send them in by, I am just completely clueless. Nobody in my family has ever gone to college before, except for my sister who went to a community college for about 2 weeks and majored in dance.
I cannot do this. I want to take a year off, but that seems counter-productive because isn't that just putting off getting a decent job and being financially self-sufficient for another year? I can't do that. I mean, I'm just trying to claw my way out of this stupid divorce thing, and I don't want to depend on my father's child support, or my mother (who cannot seem to keep a job). And then, how am I supposed to move out without money? I can't do that. What if I meet someone, and want to shack up or something? I won't be able to do it without money to hold up my half of things.
This is so fucking frustrating. Let's go to bed and never come out.
Fuck college, mang. Can't I just utilize my feminine wiles and marry rich?
I am way too stressed out, as my acne will attest to. My face is a battlefield (forgive the Pat reference) -- nobody wants to poke this.
And, to make things worse, Thursday is Thanksgiving, the Day of Family. Or wait, is that Christmas? 33 days until that/my eighteenth birthday. Have I mentioned that I'm skipping Christmas this year?
Anyone who really knows me knows that I love Christmas. Ohmygosh I LOVE SNOW. It's so pretty and magical and makes my gut do little girl flip-flops. It's romantic and perfect and I love it. As much as sharing my birthday with that of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ sucks balls, I've always felt this really intimate connection with the holiday spirit, and it's been a lifelong dream of mine, recently magnified, to have a lovely family to share it with. This just seems to be getting further and further away. I'm obviously not going to get it as a child, so I've turned my thoughts to having it as a wife, or mother, but that's so far into the future that it's got me awfully anxious. And then, will it even happen at all? I have this sinking feeling that if I ever actually trick a decent guy into marrying me, that it won't last long, or that we won't be happy. I'm so amazingly high maintenance, and at times I can be downright bi-polar to be around. I'll need some serious Love Potion No. 9 to pull that one off.
But I digress. I want to write. I want to have money enough to be comfortable and have a huge-ass family, at least five kids. I want a little recognition for my writing. This all seems so unattainable. Maybe I'm just kidding myself. Maybe I should just give it up and major in Art History or Women's Studies and leave writing as a little girls affectation. This decision is coming up, as is Christmas.
I'm skipping Christmas, this year. My 18th birthday shall remain intact, for obvious reasons, but Christmas the Holiday shall not exist as 95 Middlesex Road. (Read this as me smoking myself to sleep and just not being awake the entire day.) No presents, no family, no tree, no Vince Guaraldi, no Harry Connick Jr., no special breakfast with fried potatoes, nothing.
And to you who was planning on presents -- nuh-uh. I'm putting my combat boot down on this one. Usually I'm such a push-over, but I am determined to be adamant about no Christmas this year. Let's just let it pass and work on having a great one next year, huh?
This has been such a fucktard of a post, I apologize. Maybe I should throw in some form of humor SOMEWHERE, huh?
Break for Musical Montage!!
Last dance, last chance for love. Yes it's my last chance for romance tonight. WHOA-HO I need you by me, beside me, to guide me, to hold me, to scold me 'cause when I'm bad, I'm so, so bad. Let's dance the last dance tonight...
Yeah, that wasn't very humorous, but that song has been stuck in my head likeCRAZY. Time to finish up my last three hours of school before my 5-day break. For once, I am not at all excited for break. No one will be around, and I have mad shit to do, which will leave me stranded in my attic-room with nothing to distract me from college-thoughts.
Okay, I promise never to make a whiny post like this ever again.
No, really, I promise.
Let's shake hands, or play Sexual Checkers on it or something.
10/17/05 04:58 - ID#20636
i definitely chopped my hair again.
it's not as short as last time, when i went kelly osbourne, but it's damn short.
i can't tell if i look older or younger- older, i think. my boobs, however, definitely look bigger.
yeah, i didn't think it was possible either.
oh, art history!
10/13/05 09:14 - ID#20634
over the past couple of weeks, we were supposed to have been keeping some lame ass "moon journal" where we wander outside every nite and record what the moon looks like and where it is in the sky and blahblahblah. um, did i do it? even once? nope. why would i go outside where it's cold where i can freeze in the comfort of my attic, watching the OC? no, i didn't do it, not once, and now this mother's due tomorrow and i have nothing to hand in. i guess i'll say i just forgot it to buy me the weekend, but i know i won't do it then either. i could also just talk some studious little chanel-wearing debutante into letting me see hers tomorrow, and just copying everything down, but kids have way too many morals these days. whatta bunch of goons.
so anyways, yeah. i'm gonna fail astronomy. not that i care anymore, because i'm sure ecc won't care if i failed astronomy.
medicore future, ahoy!
hmm, what else have i done lately? absolutely nothing. i've been really depressed the past couple weeks, and it's starting to really show. i've gone to school like, twice, and teachers are getting pissed. meh. i'm just really tired and don't have the energy to do anything but mope around. i'm like eeyore, without all that damned humor. i've been putting all my energy into my writing, and it seems as though the english gods are smiling down on me as a result... or maybe they can just see down my blouse, i'onno.
last nite (e:drchlorine) and i went out to wheatfield and got lost in THE MAIZE ::dun dun dun:: it was great fun. as we paid to go on in, this guy working there warned us that it was "muddy" and that there'd be no refunds.
but of course, we played it cool and were like "a little mud? in buffalo? no problem!"
so then he goes on to tell us that we can choose the easy, medium, or hard "maize", and so, of course, we choose the hard one, figuring that our combined brain power should shoot us straight on through it like nothing else.
oh my sweet jesus.
he shouldn't have called it "muddy". he should've screamed "STANDING WATER". this place was the freaking titanic, we were sinking so deep. at a few points, the mud tried to eat my sneakers. so picture us two, wandering through a swampy cornfield for an hour, trying not to be shown up by a bunch of twelve year old girls who were also running around.
at one point, we were terribly lost (the debate on who has the worst sense of direction stands), and asked one of the "corn cops" wandering around the place what to do. yeah. we're pretty sure he lied to us and got us even more stuck.
in any event, we ended up riding back to the strip barefoot and smelly, because our shoes were so caked with mud. a grand time was had by all.
but what will this weekend bring? a party for (e:lilho) and (e:tina), you say? how marvelous! the only shitty thing is that i have to be dressed and respectable looking at 9:45 the next morning to give tours to respective parents at my school. fabulous, really. but anyone who is going to (e:lilho)'s please message me, as i am sorely in need of a ride.
until tomorrow, hopefully,
10/06/05 06:16 - ID#20631
ohkay. so tomorrow, at a little past three, i'm taking my friend charlie down elmwood to shoot some pictures of her. she's this really ADORABLE little fifteen year old sweetheart, and we're putting her in little innocent dresses and, praying that there's some light out, we're gonna shoot a bit in and around the elmwood laundry place. i want to try and juxtapose her little cutie patootie innocence with griminess and city-ness and whatnot, so if anyone has any suggestions of places on elmwood that are within walking distance of the cafe aroma corner (because our school is right behind aroma), that'd be pretty sweet.
also, if anyone wants to get in on the modeling action still, please call/aim/email/messenger pigeon me, and we'll figure something out for this weeked.
on that note, what's going on for tomorrow/saturday evenings? hopefully a hang out session can be arranged.
p.s. (e:leetee): for you, i'd wear a low-cut blouse, AND the tight jeans. oh yeah, that's what i'm talkin' bout.
09/13/05 12:11 - ID#20615
(e:ladycroft): i would LOVE to attend (e:thecarey)'s birthday party. if anyone's doing the carpool thang, let me know!
also, (e:drchlorine): yr ass is grass for that picture post, my friend.
09/08/05 11:57 - ID#20612
of course, i'd make sure i got to be the one to eat mcdonald's french fries, smoke pot, and have orgasms. but seond-alison would be okay with that, because she'd LOVE dieting for me and having to flirt and make the small talk with men that leads to the orgasm-having.
... i would never have to give another blowjob again, if i didn't want to.
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