i have been such a freaking basket case as of late, so i apologize for all the bipolar entries. school has been nuts, and i'm stressing out about not being able to go out with (e:lilho) cause i have no money cause i can't find a job because i don't have a car because i don't have any money. it's a vicious circle. i'm going to try pet supplies plus this week, godhelpme.
i didn't go to school on friday or monday or yesterday, but instead stayed home and didn't shower and sang along to alexz johnson songs. she's freaking awesome.
and school's been so busy- i don't know what i was on when i signed up for AP art history. also, i have an astronomy test today which i am sure to fail. it's an easy class, but i think i must have a mental block for astronomy, because it all goes WHOOSH right over my head. however, i've been writing a lot a lot a lot the past couple weeks, in light of certain events/revelations, and everything seems to be coming out relatively decent. i am never happier than when i've been writing, no matter how sad the material is.

i think every girl has that one skinny skirt that they don't fit into and that you know you've lost weight when you can fit yr ass into it.
well, this past spring, i bought this crazy pink skirt from lord &taylor that was mad expensive and didn't fit. i know, i am stupid. i couldn't even get the zipper up.
well, last nite, i tried it on, and it fits. perfectly. twenty pounds down, twenty-five/thirty to go.

take that, america's next top model!

hopefully i'll be able to scrape together some cash some (e:lilho), (e:tina) and i can go out on friday.

also, i'll be online tonite during the oc, if anyone wants to enjoy the experience that IS orange county with me.

gah, time for photography. i should not have come to school sober today.

nothing like a good ol' shedding of the endometrium.

had a really bad nite last nite. i guess it was just one of those times where you really work yrself up over every little thing and end up blowing off all responsibilities, kami-kaze style. meh, at least i've been writing.

speaking of which, my school has a news show once every two weeks. i've never participated because their idea of breaking news is that orange is the new pink, but, for some reason, i found myself at the first meeting about a week ago. i was totally right about it, but afterwards, the faculty advisor asked me to be a feature writer and write something controversial and full of opinions for the next airing. i'm extremely excited. she sid she's glad that she has someone to talk about more than the oc (though i do LOVE the oc).

hey- if anyone knows of any job openings i could apply for for on the weekeds and after school that are in the north buffalo/elmwood region, please let me know. i'm very poor and have a smoking habit to support.

well, i'm off to write some, for the news team and ootherwise, cause that's what i do.

(e:thecarey)'s party was a wonderful time. it was great to meet new people and see all my (e:peep) friends.
the past two weekends, we've had an (e:strip) event, and the one before that was anythingbutclothes. if no one has anything this weekend, i'll be really disappointed in our stamina.

anyways. the first two pictures are from friday nite, when i went to the albright knox with (e:tina) and (e:lilho). good times.

we are planning on maybe coming back and seeing this one while on acid.


i really liked this next one- it was just a room full of little cream-cups of paint. it made me want to nose-dive through them all and do some damage.



finally, this last one is from this morning, after (e:ladycroft) and i left (e:thecarey)'s.
... we were very hungry.

I waited for her there, all night to come back. Until fourteen past three, until I fell asleep to the television's mumbling lullabye. I said to myself and to her dog, "Well, she won't be back for at least another four hours", then, an hour later, "She won't be back for another three hours, at least." This didn't make the moon shift quicker, nor time in that room at the Super 8 pass any faster. The Fresh Prince still took a half hour to talk himself out of whatever pickle he'd gotten into as the paper of my cigarettes took their time at peeling away, exposing grey fate, dwindling downwards to nothing save a shaky grip.

The numbers changed slowly, growing larger with my hips, damned moon, and nothing in that room could help it. I clawed at numbers I could control, could wind down through the dreaded triple digits and help me take up less space on the queen-sized motel bed I'd have to myself, envying Sleeping Beauty. She who got to pass out one night, no aids required, and wake up with no bed-head and a boyfriend who could waltz in a world that was light, and she in it. In the bathroom mirror, squinting under artificial light, I held onto myself and wanted that, knowing from experience that it wouldn't work for me as it did for Aurora. As hard as I try, I cannot seem to trade a kiss for happiness.

I started thinking, a dangerous pastime, at noises from down the hallway, colored as any other in the northeast, wondering if it was her coming back early. Even though by seventeen I knew better, still I rushed to the spy-hole to catch full, lively, drunken conversation coming from shadows cast on the opposite wall. If I could live in the space between that Aurora of a room and the life flickering before me, I would. There, from my two-inch tunnel, I'd learn all I'd ever want to know about what could lie between two shadows, sweeter than tension and heavier than echoes, but no space at all. Not even two inches.

have decided that all the skinny girls i've put up in my room and locker and notebooks need to go. they were there for thinspiration, but maybe if i put up a bunch of fat girls i'd feel better, haha.

will i actually do this? no. drat.