i am in one bad-ass period-inspired mood. emotional roller coaster? an understatement.
so i've been having a ton of trouble with my weight lately. i'm big, and i weigh even more than i look like i weigh. lately the way i look has been bothering me more and more after watching that show 'America's Next Top Model', seeing Mischa Barton on the OC, and going to school with a bunch of hundred-pound, Prada-carrying bitches. it's getting on my nerves. so a couple weeks ago i started watching what i eat- definitely not a diet or anything, i still eat what i want, i just try to eat less of it and eat as little as possible. and it's been really hard to not just sit down and binge eat in front of the television, cause i haven't gone out in months, and i've been working really hard to try and get skinny. i want to lose 30 lbs so badly it kills me sometimes.
my dad, who, one year ago, weighed about 240 lbs, now weighs about 180 lbs. he works out 6 days a week with a personal trainer and isn't on a diet but rather a "lifestyle" where he eats a bunch of steak and vegetables and protein shakes but no carbs whatsoever. so today, he and i were at wegman's, and he was scrutinizing everything i bought. so i went and got a couple slimfast shakes and saw that they're only 180 calories and a meal supplement, so i figured that maybe i could have them in the morning when i normally skip breakfast, and that that would be better than a pop tart or mcdonalds. so he starts freaking out on me about how i bought all this other fattening stuff and then those shakes. i said that on the slimfast bottle it says that people dieting should eat no less than 1200 calories a day, and how i know i used to eat that easily, but don't anymore, and he was like 'i've seen you eat 1200 calorie french fries!', and i just flipped. i said how i KNOW but he wasn't listening to me because i said i USED to eat that much but i havent in WEEKS and maybe if he were around a little more he'd know that.
i swear, he doesn't know fucking anything. i could go out and stay out all fucking nite and he wouldn't know, it's disgusting.


gah. okay. </rant>

i need to get out. this attic is getting smaller by the second. anyone doing anything tonite? give a call.

There is nothing so intimidating as a blank page.

heeeey. am back at my computer as i take a break from babysitting the devil's spawn. i have to go back at 6:30, probably won't get out until 12:30ish. anyone doing anything fun around then? i'm kinda hungover from last nite (pathetic, i know), but it was so much fun! i hung out with (e:lilho), (e:paul), (e:terry), and (e:matthew). am making it my goal to see the inside of a bar before school starts on the 6th/7th... cause i'm just sweet like that.
now, to try and sleep until 6:30.

oh, by the way, i owe the erie county library $101.32. in late fees. yeah, i know.

i won't have a computer while i'm babysitting, so call me if anything decent's going on.
5630376.

having a grand time with paul and terry and sarah. aren't i cool... so yeah. good times.

this is a warning notice for all- it's one of those times again.
every few months or so, something happens to me, and i get all restless and feel the need to do something bad... which usually means something slutty. anyways, i haven't had one of these nites in quite awhile, and i'm long overdue. furthermore, my aforementioned thoreau-esque state of existence isn't exactly quenching this punk rock thirst for trouble. i'm afraid that if i don't get out of this attic the consequences will be a catastrophe worse than the strawberry ice cream binge of 2004.
wendy and i didn't get to go to yoga yesterday, so apparently we're going at 5 tomorrow. i'm worried that, because of all this built-up tension i've got in me, i'm going to end up hurting myself, and possibly taking down someone else in the process. plus, i've never done yoga before, though i used to take michelle gigante's afro-brazilian dance classes... which was scary. a girl with a 36dd cup size should not move and jump about- people could be harmed! anyways, at the risk of sending small creatures scurrying back to their woodland homes, i'm going to try it out... and immediately gain all the calories back in coffee afterwards. but i have to go to aroma anyways to hand in my job application.
have i mentioned that i am SO poor? i can't find a job near enought o home and school to walk to, and babysitting is not paying the bills. plus, i hate babysitting, i really do.
anyways, the moral of the story is that i either get laid soon, or i smoke enough pot tonite to make myself pass out... where i can't harm anyone.

being drunk and having nowhere to go is stupid. so now, i'm dancing around my room, getting all sweaty and gross. to the spice girls.

yeah. tequila is that good.

just got back from cafe aroma with the wendybird. t'was good times- we were dorks and sang alexz johnson songs in the car. now i'm listening to even worse music in my room with all my pretty candles lit and am working on some new stuff for the walls. promises to be... exciting. gah, i hate being all dressed up and having nowhere to go. i'onno, maybe i'll do something with chunks and andrew- or should i say chunksandrew, cause they're pretty much the same person these days. i hate being the only single one of my friends. well, that's not true, i mean, not all of my friends are attached, it just feels like it. grr. i should be happier with myself, y'know? be one of those strong, independent women i hear so much about. and, oftentimes, i'n ohkay on my own. generally i can entertain myself well and enjoy being by myself, but then there are nites when i just wish i had someone to sit and smoke a bowl with, or to watch familyguy with, but that's ok. i'm extremely young- i'm not worried. just, tired. i was almost considering getting back together with this real DOUCHE of a guy, but luckily my sanity kicked in just in time. it's just, for a few minutes, i definitely knew what laura meant in high fidelity when she told rob that she was too tired not to be with him.

... i'm going to be that cat lady.





in other news, it's time for me to starting thinking what i'm going to do with my senior page in the yearbook. it's mandatory to have dotdotdots, which is where you basically shout out to all yr friends and reference stupid inside jokes. i don't know what to put in mine, because i, uh, don't like anyone, lol. i'm thinking maybe i should just make a joke out of it- be a real asshole, y'know? just really obvious and obnoxious, like:

'omg traci and jenni and JR and mildred... frannie's dances... saturday nites at the regal... good times... RJ and UC and laney... so much fun camping... omg Spiders haahahahahahahhahaaaaaaaaaa... BFF'S 4 EvA!~~~~... good times.'

meh, whatevah. i'm also trying to come up with a senior quote or two. so far i really like 'as bad as i am, i'm proud of the fact that i'm worse than i seem', or 'i've been a bad, bad girl' (heh check out (e:drchlorine)'s entry music for me!), or 'bless you, world! for you are thus rich in earthly pleasure / i'll serve you in my own sweet way by giving love full measure'

that last one's a quote from a poem about mary magdalene, and obsession of mine. then, another i like is from beauty and the beast, 'i want adventure in the great, wide somewhere- i want it more than i can tell'

heh, yeah i'm a total dork. oh well.

... does anyone else feel guilty/funny about listening to india arie when yr white?

i am a hermit. thoreau's got nothing on me. i have done literally nothing this summer.
wendy's got yoga tonite, and then, a little past eight, she's gonna come grab me and we're going to spot for an hour before she has to get the car back to south buffalo.
anyone doing anything good tonite? i'm booooooooooooored.
i guess i'd better get a new copy of walden.