This is a topic I could write a novel about despite the fact that I hardly talk about it... it's personal and something that I keep in the recesses of my mind, only to pull out on days where I feel like I need a little lift. Needless to say, no matter how long this journal entry will be it will end up being incomplete.

I look at work as a series of things you have to go through and put up with in order to realize an end goal 30 years down the road. After working your whole life, accumulating, saving, collaborating with all ranges of people, where do you want to end up? This is a question I've asked myself over and over. I took the places I've been and focused on my favorite, then focused even deeper on the places within my favorite that I felt were the most interesting to me.

I'm going to share with you guys my happy place. When I'm done I want to live in a place where I'm at peace and feel inspiration on a daily basis. (A sad admission within an admission - with the life I lead I find myself rarely at peace, so this is really important to me). I need to be around nature - I need the crashing water with mountains rising from endless blue ocean, wildflowers, cypresses, huge and ancient trees, birds.

I love the convenience of urban life but to be honest I mostly feel unhappy and disconnected. I don't want to be around just any old nature; I need something spectacular, something that when you see it for the first time it takes your breath away.

This is the place where I'd pack my bags tomorrow and leave for if I could - Big Sur, in the heart of the central coast of California. This place brings out the melodrama in me. This place is so important to me that when it's on my mind I talk about God, about absolute childlike wonderment with the world and all within it, about how life can be a natural high and a miracle, about the fact that life is both ecstasy and exile at the same time. Here is where I want to sit on a stone slab and grow old with somebody.









Here's an example of a place I'd never leave. I swear I could live here forever and be at peace.



See? My stone slab.











You can read more about my happy place at the wiki page, which yielded an interesting fact - - this place is so untouched that when my grandmother was born in 1928 there were only two homes in the entire region that had electricity, which was locally generated. The fabled Highway 1 was only completed in 1937; prior to that, Big Sur was virtually inaccessible.

Today I was reading an article discussing an Eminem video and I have to give him credit - he did his city proud. In one of his latest videos he used a handful of decrepit buildings of historical significance to the city as a backdrop, which I thought was a truly beautiful concept. You can read the article and see the video here -

The jewel, of course, is the Michigan Central Station, which is a building that must have been jaw-droppingly beautiful in its day.











This terminal was designed by the same firm that designed Grand Central Station. Looking at this picture reminds me our own park system and how we left a work of art designed by Central Park's own, Fredrick Law Olmstead, to rot and be severed by a highway. They are using BHO's federal "stimulus" money to tear this building down. It made me think about how torn I am regarding these issues, and of course what fate may await our own Central Terminal. I'm not for preservation for its own sake; there has to be a purpose and a predictable stream of income to make these projects viable in the modern age. They have a point when they say that the cost to tear it down is minuscule in comparison to the costs of renovation. In a city with a several hundred million dollar shortfall for funding things like schools, firefighters and police, I'm sorry to say that renovating properties with no future use or those that are prohibitively expensive to renovate will be relegated to our history.

In other words, we're watching these buildings die a slow, irreversible death. We're watching irreplaceable aspects of our history slip through our fingers! I'd love to see a visionary repurpose buildings like this, but the pragmatist in me knows that there is no chance without a sustainable plan and a ton of cash behind it.

So, kudos to Marshall Mathers for having the desire to preserve these buildings, if not materially. Every time I pass by the expansion on the Canisius High School campus it strikes me how in 100 years time our heirs will scold us for watching these monuments erode and leave nothing for them to admire. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "if walls could talk" - the non-pragmatist, batty dreamer in me thinks that these buildings have a soul, and the buildings we're leaving behind lack EVERYTHING that these older buildings simply ooze. If we're going to watch this happen, we should at least do our heirs a favor when we replace these forgotten buildings and build things worthy of admiration in their own right.

Carry on. (Great tune by CSN, by the way).

In my last entry (e:carey) mentioned the thought about not realizing or understanding those things that might make someone feel like the lil' ol' hypothetical me is hard to approach. I can't get my head around that, I've never really considered these things before. I'm painfully shy with ladies and I'm usually prone to scurrying off.

OH SHIT. Sly & Family Stone - Thank You just came on Sirius - fuck my blog. Nite guys!

I must be horny - lately I've been fixated on discussing what my boundaries are in terms of attraction to the opposite sex. The "mistaken lesbian unrequited love" entry that I posted yesterday is one thing, but I think this next tidbit may be controversial. Maybe not so much with the lesbian contingent, but we'll see.

Women with shaved heads. Yes or no? I'm not talking about Bic razor shaved, but your normal clipper style. I say yes!

Yesterday while driving home I saw a girl that completely blew me away but I don't think a single one of my friends would consider dating her. She was wearing a tight, slinky black dress, curvy, in my eyes mega attractive, and the way she walked just oozed sexy confidence. Really pretty smile, black Ray-Bans, and a shaved head. Allow me to be a typical guy and use a crude analogy - for some this is like being presented with a 5-star, world class dessert topped with something funky you haven't tasted before. This is where the world of "to each, his own" really kicks in, but for me this was another Cupid moment. Based on my track record and what I revealed in my last post, any takers on whether or not she's "off the market to me" so to speak? Maybe Cupid hates me? Really though, I was totally struck with how beautiful I thought she was.

Based on a very unscientific survey I think you'll find some of what my guy friends had to say surprising. A co-worker told me that he'd date a girl with a full tattoo sleeve before dating a girl with a shaved head. Hmm. Another spoke about the challenges of bringing home a girl with a different outlook on personal expression to meet grandma, which maybe isn't so surprising. (Yes, some of us are actually honest with mostly decent intentions!).

I say sexy is sexy, and personally I'm not going to be stopped because a girl I thought was an utter knockout has hair a little shorter than mine.

This is more direct and will probably be more controversial, but I suspect that it might start an interesting conversation. Or not. This time I'm not admitting something I don't like about myself but rather something maybe a little more unusual. I bet I'm not alone on this one either.

More than once I've found myself attracted to a girl that I found out later was a lesbian. Actually, this might be my least favorite thing about the pride parade - almost every year I see a fine lady and Cupid plays a cruel and unusual joke on me. I'll see a girl that gets my heart pounding, then a second later she'll be holding hands with another girl, and then a minute later they're kissing. SON OF A! Off the market, move along soldier. I love girls regardless of their own sexuality, apparently!

I have to laugh at myself. I'm sure this has happened to everybody (a lesbian attracted to a straight girl, etc.). I love you girls anyway - ALL of you!

I've kept my blog relatively light-hearted for a while, but today I wanted to share with you guys something that really bugs me about myself. This is about an aspect of my personality that I dislike and would like to work on and change a bit.

I know myself and where I stand with my friends fairly well. I'm secure with myself more or less, although there are things that I wish were different, which is a statement that I think most people would make. I know that amongst my friends I'm broadly well-liked and amongst the more popular ones, even when I've been kind of reclusive. People do like me and I don't know why... but I'm thankful!

There is something about my personality that I hate and I feel like at times it betrays that sentiment from my friends and colleagues. Once in a while a pet peeve of mine will be in front of me, my thought process halts and a swift rush of annoyance hits me, and I'll stop what I'm doing and do whatever I can to stop that pet peeve. I'll even be vicious about it if I feel like someone is being annoying to me or a friend. Then, on occasion, I'll realize after the fact that I should have taken a different approach because my instant reaction to the pet peeve that I just described clouded my judgment, making me take too heavy handed an approach to begin with. Then I'll apologize, because I thought about it for a minute and realized that I was horrified with how I reacted.

I'm betraying myself when I do that. What it comes down to is that I am not giving people the benefit of the doubt at times, and I need to do that more because it is all that I would ask of anyone else to do for me if I were misunderstood or misinterpreted.

Ray-Ban has a utility that allows you to "try on" different models of sunglasses. I've been thinking about replacing my current aviators with a new model, or perhaps the Wayfarer type. Here's a screenshot of the utility while in use -



The aviator model is entirely different than the model I currently wear - different shape, different lens size, different manufacturer. What I'm really interested in, although you can't seem to pick it specifically, is the black metal frame aviators with the dark green lenses... the sort of classic Ray-Ban setup.

I dunno. Sorry about not shaving, by the way, but then again if I don't have to apologize to my boss why am I apologizing for the public at large? Haha. Which do you think are best?

EDIT: X-factors, for fun. Sorry for the fuzzy picture but it's kind of dark.



EDIT: XXX-factor, no pr0n involved - I give you my brother. Hot like lava, y'all -

People don't hate people because they are beautiful. People hate people because they incessantly remind others how beautiful they think they are. Do you know how hard it is to feel sympathy for a narcissist?

It doesn't have to do with jealousy - there is an intrinsic (and incorrect) assumption here that other people are as obsessed with their looks as the narcissist is with his or her looks. Some people go their whole lives without giving an apparent shit about how they look and manage to be happy, whereas the narcissist is constantly unhappy irrespective of how great or terrible they look. I don't understand the conspiratorial aspect of the narcissist's personality. Maybe Hitler could sympathize?

I'm a Luddite - I never want to own an iPhone or a Blackberry. All I need is a basic phone - do you guys remember the type with numbered buttons on it and nothing else? Yeah, that's for me. I don't need to be tied to the Internet 24/7 wherever I go and I certainly don't need availability to e-mail constantly. Neither are "must have" items in my view. For me it's a novelty, an accessory used to try to impress people or to indicate to other like-minded people that you are part of their crowd. In other words I think a lot of bullshit is tied into owning an iPhone, no different than a lot of bullshit goes into owning Apple products in general. The worst are the insufferable types who actually believe that owning Apple products makes you a superior person. (You usually see these people sprout in public blogs and forums when new technology is released). Blackberry - it is an obligatory part of the office douche toolkit, say no more.

For those of you who actually get meaningful utility out of these devices - I don't understand you.

EDIT: Oops, I wanted to post pictures of the flowers -



Not sure what these guys are.



These bushes are hit or miss at the moment, but the good flowers are very good. I love how these turn from red at the bud, through the rainbow to orange and finally to yellow.



See?



Another nice bloom.



A picture of my birthday beer, for the hell of it. (Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA, aged a short time)

Co-op Membership

I took the plunge -



If the GM writes you, gives you some good information and basically says, "hey, we'd love to have you if you're on the same page as us," I don't think you can get a better invite than that. This morning, on the way to work, I went in and paid up in full. You pay in full, you get a reusable bag for free! To Tim - I hope you read this. Thanks for giving me the information to make me realize that I should have done this sooner - if I see you in the store I'll introduce myself!

As Tim said, you don't have to pay in full though - as you can see on my temporary membership card, the numbers 1-8 are present. This is simply to track how close you are to paying it all off, if you are paying $10 at a time. As long as you are current on payment you will retain the member benefits. You can put members of your household on record as well, which I did.

Generally speaking, I am on the same page as they are. After I had the benefits of ownership properly explained to me, my biggest concerns were alleviated. The new owner package comes with what I think is the best coupon book I've ever seen - numerous products with sharp discounts, or outright free. I think this is great, because to be perfectly honest I'd never consider purchasing some of these items and now I have some encouragement to give them a shot.

I learned something in the LexTalk magazine - the Co-op derives 100% of its energy supply from renewable resources. How excellent is that? Also, as a member you can join the Buffalo Cooperative Federal Credit Union, which I'd definitely encourage. Big banks suck - you're a number and customer service is woeful. At a local bank, or a credit union, you'll be much better off in my estimation. This is consistent with the Co-op philosophy of being as localcentric as possible - the Co-op credit union cycles dollars locally, which is always a good thing.

I think the Co-op has room for improvement. There are a few things that are still not clear to me: for example, there are a number of everyday basic items that you receive a 15% discount on - today I bought milk but the receipt doesn't itemize how much I saved. The receipt gives you an aggregate savings amount at the bottom. I know what I saved, but not on what items. I would like to be able to see exactly how much I saved on the milk, at least a way to differentiate my member only savings. For that matter, I don't know exactly what items are considered "every day basics." How do I find out? Also, I am unsure about how the bulk ordering works and how you go about it - I don't have any information that tells me. Maybe there is something on the site that I missed?

A Special Request, Possibly Unfulfilled

As far as products in the store, I have a pet peeve that drives me crazy. I'm probably pickier than most about what coffee I drink at home - the fact that it is free trade organic isn't good enough. I know I'm weirder than most as to how I brew my coffee at home as well - a drip cone and a grinder are my only tools. The co-op has a fantastic selection of coffee, some of it single origin, but I think the Co-op is missing an opportunity to differentiate itself.

I'm talking about microroasting. I was turned on to this during my last trip to CA, where I learned about small scale coffee roasters that insist on serving only that which has been roasted very, very recently - no later than 8 hours prior to shipment is the standard for Blue Bottle Coffee, where I buy mine. I can get fresher coffee mailed to me from CA than I can here in Buffalo.

I've seen the difference myself, and believe me, the coffee is markedly better. When I receive it in the mail, the aroma coming off the bag is unlike any fresh coffee you'll ever smell - it has a fresh roasted quality that I can't describe with words. I love their Chiapas because it is melange roasted (good luck finding that kind of roast anywhere within 500 miles, it's a lost artform), giving the coffee a quality that makes you think you're drinking a campfire. Getting the same coffee locally, even from the same single origin source (I've done this with Columbian that both the Co-op and Blue Bottle sold), shows me that simply put the local product is inferior. I think that if other coffee lovers smelled this stuff and gave it a shot, that they'd be willing to seek it out, but then again it's possible that I'm the only one in Buffalo this crazy about microroasted coffee.

This can change. I happen to know a guy at Spot who basically told me, "hey, if you want the coffee fresh just come down, we'll pull the beans right out of the roaster for you." That's great for me but is of no help to the community at large. Ideally, I wish the Co-op roasted their own beans and offered microroasted stuff to customers, or at least to members for purchase at select times. If the Co-op had no interest in an in-house setup due to financial or logistical reasons, maybe this sort of thing could be contracted out to Spot, since they already have the equipment.

Maybe it's a far flung dream that won't yield a benefit to the Co-op, but the bottom line is that I think it's sad that the freshest beans available to me have to be bought, packed, shipped and delivered from somewhere else. I've considered buying "green" beans and roasting them at home myself. Maybe it would be the start of a local, small scale budding coffee business that people would be proud of. Am I that crazy?