It has recently come to my attention that my employer is the worst kind of publisher - one who carries the banner of fair, balanced news coverage while participating in a vast Republican conspiracy . Many of you may find this difficult to believe but, to paraphrase Deep Throat, follow the hyperlinks.

Fact: Since I began collecting web usage statistics in January our web traffic has doubled. Our top two articles of the entire year have seen more traffic in the last three weeks than any other articles have in the last three months.

Where do you think all this traffic is coming from? Design and usability improvements? Give me a break, and I'll give you another Fact: The week of that issue our #1 source of referral traffic came from one site and one site only - an outlet operating under the guise of "media watchdog."

Coincidence? Then what do you think about this Fact: There is a demonstrable, concerted effort by this "unaffiliated" website -one member in particular- to drive web traffic to our site. He may seem like an angry person on the outside , but it doesn't take much to figure out it's all an act. This guy's gotta be on the payroll.

You think that's far-fetched, don't you? But you can't ignore the Fact: that 7500 pageviews per day from 3800 unique visitors don't lie. It looks like server logs to you, but to me it smells like advertising revenue potential.

You want me to spell it out for you? Check out this little-known Factoid: 'v5n10' upside-down spells 'Ol' USA.' Kinda.

- Z

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Moral: there are some real mouth-breathers all over the political spectrum. Take advantage of the situation by merchandising their arguments.

Woke up this morning on the floor reeking of a two-day software development bender. I've got a tattoo on my butt that says 'I [heart] Python,' and this program I've never seen before is on my desktop saying I'm its daddy and now I've got to take care of it.

It seems that certain parties have taken issue with the way our annual popularity contest was held three years ago , but I can assure you the process is fair and transparent. Votes with fewer than 30 answers are rejected outright, and nonlocal establishments are disqualified [there's no surprise here - we say as much right on the ballot]. That having been said, even though the polls are open until Friday it's pretty clear who the top three in each category are going to be. Furthermore, if I really could get free Caramel Chameleons from Cafe 59, I wouldn't be drinking Folger's crystals with Coffee Rich every morning. And in closing, I feel that it should be mentioned that this does not negate the fact that I am a cheap whore.

- Z

I'm not usually fond of the idea of blogging from work, but this is so cool I peed myself.

The new editor's personal laptop [15" G4 iBook] just died. The new sysadmin had a look at it, took a deep breath, and said, I got bad news. The editor's eyes just lit up and he said, 'Can we destroy it?'

'Umm ... I guess ... if you don't need it, we don't really need it either.'

'OK, lemme go ask the boss!' So he quick ran out of the room and a minute later he came back and said, 'I asked the publisher and he said, 'meh, whatever,' so let's do it!'

At this point I stepped in and said ... woah, hold on there chimpy. You can't just go around throwing laptops off the roof. Not unless you take videos, too. We need Total Coverage. And while you're at it we've got some microwaves and TVs and vacuum cleaners I'd like you to get rid of. Our assistant music editor said, hey, before you trash that microwave, can I stick in a stack of crappy promotional indie CDs and see what happens? Sure!

So we're totally going to roof-test our crappy nonfunctional equipment and I plan on putting the video on our corporate website. Keep your eye out for it!

- Z

So I'm a shareware software developer, since I wrote a program last summer when I was unemployed that at least three people have paid me $5 for. It is a Gmail notifier for Mac OS X, much like the Windows 'Gmail Notifier' made available by Google. Since it had the same function but a different platform I gave it the same name - or, more accurately, 'Gmail Notifier for Mac OS X.'

At this point in history, most or all of the Mac Gmail notifiers were defunct or inoperable, and Google had not exactly thrown us Mac users a bone.

Until, that is, a couple months after mine hit the 'net. I got about ten emails that day saying 'uh hey, somebody stole your program's name, and you won't guess who it is.' Well, I knew who it was and I admit it was kind of an assy thing of me to bogart their name, so I don't begrudge them that. Their program had about the same feature set as mine, the main difference being that mine lives in the dock while theirs lives in the menu bar. Also the icons were different.

Ah yes, the icons. Funny, you don't really give icons much thought. Mine was kind of a weird ugly red 'mvelope' with your typical Mac OS X candy-coating:


Theirs was an admittedly better-executed blue mvelope, rotated slightly:


But today I got two emails saying, hey, how come Gmail Notifier is in my menu bar rather than the dock where I like it? And I said, ehm, it's always been in the dock; you're thinking of the Official Gmail Notifier, which is in the menu bar. And he said, no, I'm pretty sure this is yours, because it's got the same icon. So I grabbed a copy of the Official Gmail Notifier and holy shit:


What the Hell?!

Furthermore, they've confused a number of software-tracking websites who are now convinced that I am a Google developer and theirs is actually a continuation of mine - and confused those sites' users in the process. I had always planned to name the 1.0 release something else like 'Dave's Gmail Notifier' or something dumb like that, but I'm seriously considering renaming it 'The Google Asshats Can Suck It.'

- Z

This is the last week to vote. Every vote counts! [But please please please be sure to fill out at least thirty categories.]

Furthermore, be wary of certain unsavory establishments who would rather make a couple bucks than to give a hand to dying people. I think I've only ever been there once, and their drinks sucked as bad as the band they had playing, and my feet stuck to the floor. Also I hear the owner can only have an orgasm if he's kicking a puppy - but you didn't hear it from me.

- Z

If you are in on the Doc Platinum mythos, my userpic is self-explanatory. If you are not, do read on:

Doc Platinum was a very high-concept band for whom I was the drummer, on and off, from 1997 onwards [depending on whose accounts you're reading]. High-concept, in that we were international superstars before we could carry a tune. I know this happens with all garage bands, but keep in mind that all garage bands don't usually write their own fanfiction.

By consensus our #1 hit song was 'Chuckwagon,' and by that I mean, the only one anyone outside the band could listen to more than once. Chuckwagon was one of the very few songs that I wrote. I came up with this real ballsy guitar riff in Precalculus class one day but the only lyric I could make fit was the word 'chuckwagon,' and I think we all know where this is going so I'll just get on with the lyrics. We have a few recordings of it so posting an mp3 of it sometime in the future not entirely out of the question.

Chuckwagon
don't bogart these licks 'cause it's (c) 1997 Doc Platinum, beeyotch

['Jow' refers to the guitar. I am a drummer and am thus unconcerned with all your fancy 'chords.' Besides, getting the chords right is less important than the attitude with which you play the song - emote 'Richie Sambora joins the Scorpions.']

Verse 1
Jow jow jow jowww...
Jow ja jow - chuckwagon!
Jow ja jow - chuckwagon!
Jow ja jow - chuckwagon!
Jow ja jow - aaaaaahhh!

Bridge
Chuuuuuuckwaaaaaagoooooon - aaaaaahhh!
Chuuuuuuckwaaaaaagoooooon - aaaaaahhh!

Verse 2
[Continues in 4:4, but the backing vocals are in 3:4. Why not?]
Chuckwagon yeah! [Chuckwagonchuckwagonchuckwagonchuckwagon!]
Chuckwagon yeah! [Chuckwagonchuckwagonchuckwagonchuckwagon!]
Chuckwagon yeah! [Chuckwagonchuckwagonchuckwagonchuckwagon!]
Chuckwagon yeah! [Chuckwagonchuckwagonchuckwagonchuckwagon!]

[Then some damn fool* goes:] Everybody solo! [and everybody solos together, yet apart.]

[And then some damn fool** goes:] Second verse! Same as the first!

[Repeat ad nauseam. The song ends abruptly when some Philistine neighbors call the cops.]

- Z

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• That would be me.
  
• That would be me, again.

Bridget asks on her Livejournal : what do you think about as you're drifting to sleep?

When I go to bed I find myself inventing solutions to invented problems. But not normal problems, oh no. I once spent two weeks of naptime deciding my answer to the question:

If this mattress were a piece of bread in a toaster, and these sheets were slices of cheese, which kind of cheese would be most comfortable once it melted?

I finally decided on baby Swiss, but I'm starting to think that maybe Gruyère was a better choice.

- Z

I admit to being on a huge Stevie Wonder kick right now. For the last two days I have cranked the factory stereo on my Toyota subcompact and dialed my iPod into 'Signed, Sealed, Delivered' on the way to work and 'Superstition' on the way home. These are the only two Stevie Wonder songs that I own, and they are both excellent for their respective commutes.

Yesterday I was on the phone with Apple tech support. Apparently there are two different levels of service according to how much you paid for your maintenance contract. Initially I had called Proletarian Tech Support where they read to you from the back pages of the user's manual and there is no on-hold music; when they determined I was apparently made of money I was transferred to Bourgeois Tech Support where they really know their shit and the on-hold music is .. oh yeah .. 'Higher Ground.'

Which, oddly enough, put me in a much better humor when the technician told me I would have to back up my terabyte of data and reformat our video server. Because let me tell you, if he laid that on me after making me listen to James Taylor I woulda reached right through the telephone and strangled him.

- Z

We recently bought a couple new 4x2.5GHz G5 computers for our video department, with beefed-up nVIDIA GeForce 7800 GT graphics cards. The graphics card has 2 DVI ports; one of our video guys has 2 VGA monitors, necessitating two DVI-to-VGA adapters, conveniently supplied by Apple. Except the DVI ports are very close together on this particular card, and Apple's adapters have all this extra plastic shit around them so that they look kewtiez, so that they cannot fit together closely enough to plug into this expensive graphics card.

So the video guy - let's call him John, because that's his name - calls up Apple tech support, and explains his quandary. The tech support specialist, initially incredulous, finds a 7800GT and a couple adapters in 'the lab' and gets back on the phone.

'I see your problem,' he says. 'I think I may have a solution. Can you hold for just one more minute?'

'No problem,' says John. Then he hears the tech support specialist put the phone down, and off to the side he hears, 'Crack! Crack! CRACK!!'

Tech support gets back on the line. 'Yes, I have a solution. Um .. do you have a hammer?'

- Z

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ps. Be careful where you buy your next videophone.

The aforementioned two-bit NOC called us this morning to let us know that one of our two data lines is down. Which was very nice of them. What with the automatic failover and everything, I never would have noticed otherwise. So I said, yeah, fix it up, do what you gotta do.

So they took down our other T1.

I love these people in the way that I love Rudy Ruettiger.

- Z