One more person I was close to has just left Buffalo a few minutes ago. He was like my little Korean brother. Well, he was in New York to study GRE after graduating.
Finally, he got back to Buffalo the day before yesterday and packed all his old stuff, and then just left for New York again. Feel sad.

I drove for him to go to a restaurant that hasn't happened for a long time.
(He used to get a ride from me often long time ago)
He said, "Sister, what's wrong with your car.. it's dirty in here"
I replied to him. "It's okay.. it's not really dirty"
He said, "I meant, you were not used to be like this"
I said, "It's okay, it doesn't matter"

I remembered that he and my old housemate used to complain to me cleaning up the house and everything too much.. They used to tell me.. "Stop cleaning up, please" Yeah, I did care of even one hair on the floor. Now, I don't care. My room gets mess so often.

There will be no more person who knew me how I was. So, I can rebuild another history of me. Do you think that sounds good.? or sad in a way..?

He and I had a great brunch together. We talked about getting old. He pointed out that my facial skin is getting bad and suggested me to do some excercise.
"Sis, please take care of yourself, I'm worried about you."
He left behind this word to me and drove away. So sad.

Whenever I'm in the place to send away people I was close to, it makes me so sad..
I don't know how to explain the feeling exactly.

But, I accidentely saw your memory today, as if I was standing outside and looking inside through the window, and I kept watching it over and over again.
Soon afterward, I realized that there is no space I can get in your memory, that is the feeling melancholy I always say.

Thoughts after watching Hiroshima Mon Amour.,, - SJ

After posting this journal, I'm just gonna go to bed... I need a good night sleep. I'm not going out to the pink tonight.. just need to get some sleep. No more Duleuze for me..

Here are the reminds of the confusion from Deleuze.
These images are from my life these days.

for a laugh. ;)

In my head, all about my work and Deleuze these days.. I'm getting too obsessed..













by the way.. Paul.. sorry to hear that you have to stop eating Korean food.
Happy birthday to two ladies.. and J3sse is not the person I know..

Some point.. I think I'm nice.-- Isn't this bad to talk about me like that?, actually, I'm bad, for example, I talked about someone's presentation in the class last night like, "I hate your presentation, you didn't prepare anything, keep searching clip during presentation that made me headache. so, I didn't get the point. yike, see? bad? Isn't it.. too critical or too honest?-

Anyways, [inlink]u=soyeon&id=106[/inlink] I got two new hair dryers at some point right now. Well, my friend Leah kept saying that she has two hair dryers so that she can give one of them to me. Finally, I got one from Leah on Sunday. I stopped by her house to help her about photoshop and I lent my photo flesh to her before. I haven't taken actual still photo for a long time.. So, my photo camera and lense, flesh are sleeping these days and Leah needs the flesh as an MFA photo student plus I love Leah. well, but my video camera is busy.

Then, I got new one from Adriane as a gift yesterday. It was a surprise gift. She emailed me that she has a present for me. But I didn't guess it would be a hair dryer. Well, I helped Adriane sometimes that is my pleasure actually, I love Adriane's work so much. These days, I'm helping her website. Last Friday, I was at her office in school and we talked about the concept of my work.. -being alien in between Korea and USA-,.. and I mentioned that I'm becoming not to care of a lot of stuff these days, which is quite different from how I used to be in Korea. Then, mentioned about the hair dryer as an example. Anyway.. I was so surprised, she said.. "it's going to be cold soon.. you need a hair dryer.." It was very thoughtful. I was so touched. See? I'm not that bad..

Anyway.. I felt little sick yesterday.. finally I fell asleep as soon as I got home after my evening class. I just got up.. then actually, I'm freaked out from the fact that I have a lot of paper work that has to be done by this Friday from now on. I don't know.. Help me out.. I'm too tired. :(

Oh, by the way. I didn't know J3sse is Jesse whom I know and PaulnotPaul is Paul whom I know.. Cogratulations!! Paul and Trisha.

Finally, I'm sick. Too much intensive and stressful emotions.. Now, I don't know how to figure this week out. This week will be dead. I'm getting obsessed of my work as well. I don't feel good, but I can't go to bed either. The effect of my medicine is making me feel weird right now. I have to call my mom, but keep forgetting and I don't feel to call her right now. I will eventually. Thinking of arbitrarily united images.. abstract relation.. perception-image.. trying to figure these words, and now I'm smoking.

Ah, I want to go to a summer trip with my family. I miss the eastern ocean in Korea. I just want to lay down on the beach with my niece and nephew although they are out of control. My youngest sister said, we should try to arrive in Korea at the same time in December.. I haven't seen her over 2 years. We go back to Korea always different time. But, this time we will try to be there together at the same time. I want to go to spas in the middle of night with my best friends in Korea.
I want to go to shopping with my mom. I want to chat with my old co-workers. I miss them a lot. We can talk about all kind of stuff. Economic, Politice, life,..

I'm too stressed out and too cynical these days. bad.. bad..

Yeah, One of my professor told me at the pink like "Soyeon, you are very optimistic" with giving me an odd face. Yeah, I'm so optimistic... which is good.. isn't it..? He was being sarcastic of who I am.

Everything in human being is fucked up already.. if you are aware of that, you have to be fucked up too which can make you feel sane, not insane way. if your thoughts are too serious in a right way, you must be insane. So, I've already joined the sane way, I am funked up. Make sense..?
Perception or Consciousness is no longer necessary for those who are sane these days. You know what I mean..? So, please don't make me so sad. I'm already sad enough.

Yeah, I was being wish-wash about my thesis committee for a while, also I was being lazy to make up my mind who I want to be in.. because I wanted to have Caroline, but she is not here, she is in Germany this moment. Yeah, finally I made up my mind. Tony, Steven, and Sylvie.. they are my thesis committee.. From now on, I'm going to start my real world. Oh, Scary..

I just finished my new video today which is related to my thesis. It's just a practice.. but it gave me a lot of thoughts. I had a presentation today.. and I showed it to people. I don't know. So, seems like I've just started my thesis thingie.
Well, I have to prepare to get beating up in Photo grads seminar in 2 weeks. Oh well, they never say good thing to any students. So,, I should prepare for that.

One thing.. fuck. I just figured out something tonight at the pink. I saw something clue as I was talking to one of my professor in front of the pink. What can I say.. Just fuck off. That's all.