I really think I've been in school too long. I'm getting to be irresponsible for my school work these days. I can't make for every single class on time. Always late.
I'm sick of being late actually, but I can't make it on time. I know what it is.
I lost my energy to be there and am exhausted of being in school. I need something new that makes me feel alive. I'm Gemini, which means I can get bored easily.. need to get exciting feelings. Well, I do love reading books and want to know more about art theory and history everything. I do love working, but I don't know I'm not really motivated these days.

I'm going back to Korea on December 19th and coming back January 12th. But, I might change the date to come back to Buffalo.. Maybe.. 11th. I hope this break can make me feel motivated. And, realized that my healthy is not that good these days. I can just fall asleep easily, and also, forget something easily. Oh well, if I tell my mom this, she wil yell at me so badly because she sent a lot vitamins for me, but I took it once or twice... all package just is sitting on my dining table.

I don't like taking medicine. I know that sounds so stupid. Well, My blood type is "O", which means, we don't like medical things. That's just my philosophy.
I know I'm sick.. it is not that I got cold anything.. it is just healthy problem...

Okay.. I gotta work now.

First, I feel sorry for Lliho. Yeah, as I already told you last night, I wouldn't let my boyfriend (if I have one) do that. See..? Something has happened. Hum.. Well, it's okay.. it's much better.. he is not worth, then.

Second, a lyrics of Such Great Heights by The Postal Service.
I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes
are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned
I would like to speculate that god himself did make us into
corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay
and true, it may seem like a stretch, but its thoughts like this that
catch my troubled head when you're away and I am missing you to death
when you are out there on the road for several weeks of shows and when
you scan the radio, I hope this song will guide you home

they will see us waving from such great heights, "come down now,"
they'll say but everything looks perfect from far away,
"come down now," but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your machine but the persistent beat
it sounded thin upon listening
and that frankly will not fly, you will hear the shrillest highs and
lowest lows with the windows down when this is guiding you home.


Such a great song.. check that out.

Third, my back is still so badly hurting. Halkuster Thank you for giving me an advice for my back hurting. Well, I knew that I have a problem with my back. It's been so long time. But, this time,, I drove too much and didn't take care of it. My friend told me "are you crazy..? are you trying to kill yourself?"
I think I am.. really.. that would be better. Anyway, I will take care of it while I'm in Korea for this winter break. Now, I put something medicine on my back.
Hope it would make my back better.

Forth, I didn't enjoy the Roxy's last night. I don't like dancing.. Well, I can dance..
But, it needs to take a lot of time to make me feel motivated to dance. Does this sentence make sense..? huh..? Well, I had to go.. because it's Anna's birthday going out.. Every her birthday, she wants to go dancing.. I'm happy to do that for her actually. But, I didn't feel to dance last night.

What else..? I think I gotta go back to talking to my friend in Germany on the messenger.. He is demanding on me to send some pictures right now.. oh well...
I need to work real soon,.

I got a power out again. I don't remember how many times I've gotten it for this year. At least 5 times.. Yeah, the electronic situation in my house is so terrible.
Only one fuse for this house although I got the biggest house in this apartment.

Fortunately, my power book is working, so I can use the Internet in my living room depending on someones wireless network. So, I'm sitting in my arm chair and writing journal plus I'm listening to music as well. Hope, my battery can run for a couple hours.

I'm waiting for my landlord to fix the fuse thingie for my house. I just realized that I need to get some candles. Yeah, I don't have any candles left. So, I'm completely in the dark room only depending on my power book light. I wanted to take a bath. Well, I was just ready to jump into water.., oh well.
Strangely, I'm not really upset about this situation. I guess it is because I can use the Internet and listen to music.

I'm thinking if I were with someone in this situation, what I would do the most..
Hum..? Kiss..?

My childhood in Korea, we had black out sometimes to train emergency, which implied the situation if North Korea invades South Korea. I'm not Korean war generation, so I'm not really aware of how terrible the Korean war was although I have learnt it from School and Media. Anyway, my younger sisters and my peer friends in my childhood were excited of the black out training. Even we didn't know that was for the emergency training. We had no idea. We just went around our neighborhood.. giggling... making friends scared, screaming, finding out which house turned on the light and yelling them to turn off the light. Also, it was so much fun to run into other friends in the dark. Well, I don't think that we have that kind of training anymore. Even I don't remember when it disappeared. Maybe middle 80...

Oh, my landlord came home.. Good. I think it is enough to remember my childhood for today. hu.. ;)

This was the second time to go to Anna's parents house for Thanksgiving day.
I was happy to see Zoe (Anna's little sister) and all people they invited.
Tony Conrad, Steven Eastwood and his little sister from London, Robin and Andy,
Zoe's boyfriend, we had a great thanksgiving dinner all together.

Very relaxing, and fun converstation, drinking wine, making fire, all delicious foods.
So good.. Even I can't describe exactly how wonderful it was.

Polly and Mark, (Anna's parents), Anna, Zoe
Thank you for everything. It was so great.
Thank you so much.

And when I see you, I really see you upside down
But my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you around
Turns you around, turns you around

If you feel discouraged when there's a lack of color here
Please don't worry lover, it's really bursting at the seams
from absorbing everything the spectrum's A to Z.
(ahh... ahhh...)

This is fact not fiction for the first time in years
All the girls in every girlie magazine can't make me feel any less alone,
I'm reaching for the phone to call at 7:03 and on your machine,
I slur a plea for you to come home.
But I know it's too late, and I should have given you a reason to stay
Given you a reason to stay; given you a reason to stay;
given you a reason to stay

This is fact not fiction for the first time in years...

A Song by Death Cab for Cutie


(A View from My Old Room in Amherst, 2001, SJ)

I usually put my desk near the window where I can look at outside easily.
At home, I'm always in front of my computer, so I need to get feeling refresh looking over from the view of a moment of outside sometimes.
But, here in my current room, my desk is far from the window.
Perhaps, this is the reason I get depressed a lot here.

This song is giving me the bittersweet feelings. Just as how it rings for you.

I'm organizing pictures I took in Cold Spring right now and I found out Ronin's picture. He has so much love to show. I can't believe that I miss Ronin.
While I was driving to school for my evening class today, I saw a dog that looks like Ronin on the street. I was almost calling the dog like "Ronin", but it's impossible that he is here in Buffalo. Of course I miss Woosha as well. They gave me so much love while I got cold feelings. So sad, I will be so mad if they can't recognize me someday.



Here, Drchlorine, please, correct your word.. depressing and whining is a different meaning of context.. Don't even talk down people's feelings. If you aren't like that, then... just walk away.. got my point..?

I'm back to Buffalo. I made it for 15 hours. If I didn't get lost around Chicago again, I could make home for 14 hours.. It's better than 21 hours driving. A lot improved..? Isn't it..? Yeah, I went to Michigan for some reason.. I don't know how it could happen.. I was happy to see my friend Alan back home. He was awake and came out to carry my stuff.. Oh, I love Alan and I miss Robin right now.
Oh well, I need to work right now.. I know that I'm crazy..
But, I need to work for my presentation tomorrow.. I will be okay.
It's good to be home, and it was good to drive.. I thought a lot.. really a lot.

And, thank you for helping me out to find out the direction.
You know who I'm talking about..? ;)

I'm driving back to Buffalo in a couple hours. We had a fun day. My friend showed me his school where he teaches, and little bit about downtown of St.Cloud.
Then, went to Thai restaurant for a dinner and went to shopping mall to check his winter jarket.. Yeah, from what I have heard, it's much colder than Buffalo.
I bet.. Then went to see a movie.. "Ray".. It was good.

I took pictures of this house and him... I'm actually sad right now..
Here is the image that I will remember.

It's the last day of being in Cold Spring. I'm little scared of driving back to Buffalo for a day again. I hope I won't have any problem with my car on the way back. I lost the gas cap when I drove up here, but I got one in an automobile store yesterday. My friend said, "aren't you glad that I remember the gas cap for you?" Yeah, I completely forgot about it at the moment, so it was good that he remembered it while doing errands in St. Cloud.

Since I got here, I've been getting up early. The first day, I got up early, but went back to sleep after my friend left for school. I should take some pictures of landscape around this house. This house is located in front of lake, and there are a lot of vacation empty trailers. My friend said, from early April to September, people come and stay in their trailers for the weekend. But, now everybody is gone. So, he is only one left around this place.

I already went out for a walk with dogs that seems like my new life in Cold Spring. I still don't get what they need or want if they come and lick me. But he knows what they need exactly. But, I'm surprised by myself that I can get along with dogs very well. That's why Dogs' hairs are all over my clothes right now. The white dog's name is Ronin and now he is laying down on my leg and looking at my computer together. It looks like we are in a relationship somehow. ;) I wish my friend took a picture of us right now, but he is still in the bed.

I'm collecting images into my head to remember later. I won't come to visit here anymore. Being in this house will disappear from my sight soon, also he plans on staying this house for one year. I don't think I will visit him in a year again. I think that's why I wanted to come.

Somebody told me that my journals are very whining, so I'm trying not to write my emotion too much here. Hum,, but this is my journals, sometimes I just want to write.. well I know people read everybody's journals, but it doesn't really matter... Right..? I do care, but I don't know what to say.. but you know what I meant..?

Finally, I watched the Sacrifice tonight. Well, I get always feeling melancholy or peculiar emotions, which is hard to explain or describe with right words, after watching Adrei Tarkovsky's film. Also, even I feel like to ask myself; "Hum.. Did I fully get it..?" Or it doesn't really matter to the Directer, probably he wants the audience to feel the complicated human emotions. I don't know.

One more of his film I want to watch that is "Nostalgia" I'm not quite sure that my work is about the nostalgia.. but Tony indicated that I'm probably looking for the feeling nostalgia.. the memory that I was attached or touched... unforgettable, or hold inside forever.. but, I'm not sure what it is yet.

Remembering of things past.. Swann's way.. I'm trying to read this book...
How he remembers his childhood or.. even he remembers the taste of particular food he liked.. Yeah, long way to go figuring my work out.

It's already been 3 days here in Cold Spring. My friend doesn't have a class to teach for today, (yeah, he is an art professor, well, nobody quite understands art people, so I don't understand either me and him) so, we had little time to hang out together. We went to St. Cloud to do some errands. There is a little fancy grocery market, yeah it was just little fancy, which is carpeted on the floor in the grocery market .. well, they have kimchee.. We bought it for Kimchee Kimbob for the dinner. It was good.

Still... sad..