A lot of friends who know me well both in Korea and America know that I'm afraiad of Dogs and Cats, animals. Well, it was not a problem that I was afraid of dogs in Korea. 50% of Korean doesn't have a dog as their pets. But, it was a problem in America because a lot of my friends have dogs and cats in their home. So, I was terrified out of running into dogs or cats at my friends' house so many times. My friends said that I'm rediculous: even they couldn't really understand how I can be terrified of such cute dogs or cats. Well, I always replied that I had such a bad experience with a dog when I was a little girl.

I think it was probably when I was 6 years old. I remember that I went to my kid friend's house with other friend. From outside of her parents' house, we could hear a dog's barking so loudly. (Remember? I was just a little little girl.) So, it could immediately make me scared enough. As soon as my little friend opened the door, the dog suddenly came out that happened so quickly. (Of course we got so surprised and scared.) Well, my the other friend started running away, and me? I got frozen, and then I had to witness the dog bite off my friend's leg in front of me. How horrible was it..? I saw bloody from her leg and my friend passed out. I was just standing there and probably I couldn't take a breath. I was just a 6 years old kid. I don't remember what happened afterward. I can just photograph the moment exactly even now.

So, I never liked dogs, even cats as well. If any dogs on my way anywhere, I just automatically got frozen, couldn't keep walking, and had to wait any people who could walk with me. Cats were little okay.. but.. dogs.. no way in my life for a vary long time.

At one of my professor's party few weeks ago, when I was holding a dog and petting it, a friend of mine said, "oh my god, I can't believe my eyes, I never thought that Soyeon can hold a dog" Yeah, I did and I can hold one dog I know right now. Her name is Missu, one of my professor's dog. These days, I feel happy from the things that Missu can recognize me and comes to me everywhere. It's kind of weird for me, I'm getting over my cynophobia finally that I've never expected it. It has happened when I could start petting Robin's cat and My friend, Craig's cat, however petting or holding dogs was different issue. Well, apparently, I can hold dogs. I think small pets are okay, but I'm not sure I can hold or pet big dogs. Anyways, I like Missu a lot, she is so cute.. very cute and very quiet.. Never seen her barking.

So, I was thinking of how the traumatic memory that still bothers your feelings can go away from what has happened to me.. any phobia or any trauma can go away eventually oneday.. so.. I'm thinking, it is just our mental consciousness? or something else.? Well, I guess, how we are able to bear thses psychological problems that are all depending on our mental perception. I don't know.

by the way, thank you so much, Twisted. I looked at the website you recommanded. I like those bags so much.. but, my new powerbook is 15 inch which doesn't fit the one you think nice. So, I was searching one for 15 inch on the website, but there is nothing like that for 15 inch, So sad.

and, I will update our halloween party photos very soon. Paul, I feel so bad that we had a halloween party on the same day. I wanted to have all you guys. I didn't know that you would have one until last Friday. I feel bad.. really.
Anyway, you missed my first costume ever in my whole entire life

So happy now.. but I still need to get more memory.. Ram.. and external hard drive and.. DVD burner.. a bag for all these stuff.. But, I'm so happy..

I watched a DVD movie on my bed last night, then fell asleep.. I can just lay down on my bed and do work.. so great.. I can just carry it around my house and do interenet.. This is so cool.. I just want to stay home and do something with my new powerbook.. that's why I didn't go to the party at soundlab last night.. Finally I have my big toy.. happy.. happy..

[c]
Yeah, there is a halloween party and it's also Holly's birthday party as well on this Saturday. Oh well, halloween costume is highly recommanded. It's going to be around midnight. What else..? oh.. Paul Vanouse (art Professor) offered us his friend's house to have a party, which is very nice of him. ;)
Where we are gonna have a party..? Uh.. 20 Auburn that is the address.
And, you don't wanna miss it because it's also Holly's birthday party as well.
(I think I'm not good at posting up this.. oh well) [/c]

Halloween Party & Holly's Birthday Party.
20 Auburn. Midnight, Saturday, October 30
Here the map is..

Happy Birthday, Holly. Where are you right now..? We were waiting for you at the old pink.. Happy birthday.. Holly

From all my heart. Soyeon.

Why not.. It's okay driving.. it's nothing. I can drive for 15 hours.. why not. I'm strong enough.. I'm getting sick of running into hearing the name everyday, also getting frustrated of running into left images of that here. I'm going.., Also, I feel that I'm stuck in my work.. it doesn't seem to go in progress at all. I'm going to take a break. That's my final decision.

One more person I was close to has just left Buffalo a few minutes ago. He was like my little Korean brother. Well, he was in New York to study GRE after graduating.
Finally, he got back to Buffalo the day before yesterday and packed all his old stuff, and then just left for New York again. Feel sad.

I drove for him to go to a restaurant that hasn't happened for a long time.
(He used to get a ride from me often long time ago)
He said, "Sister, what's wrong with your car.. it's dirty in here"
I replied to him. "It's okay.. it's not really dirty"
He said, "I meant, you were not used to be like this"
I said, "It's okay, it doesn't matter"

I remembered that he and my old housemate used to complain to me cleaning up the house and everything too much.. They used to tell me.. "Stop cleaning up, please" Yeah, I did care of even one hair on the floor. Now, I don't care. My room gets mess so often.

There will be no more person who knew me how I was. So, I can rebuild another history of me. Do you think that sounds good.? or sad in a way..?

He and I had a great brunch together. We talked about getting old. He pointed out that my facial skin is getting bad and suggested me to do some excercise.
"Sis, please take care of yourself, I'm worried about you."
He left behind this word to me and drove away. So sad.

Whenever I'm in the place to send away people I was close to, it makes me so sad..
I don't know how to explain the feeling exactly.

But, I accidentely saw your memory today, as if I was standing outside and looking inside through the window, and I kept watching it over and over again.
Soon afterward, I realized that there is no space I can get in your memory, that is the feeling melancholy I always say.

Thoughts after watching Hiroshima Mon Amour.,, - SJ

After posting this journal, I'm just gonna go to bed... I need a good night sleep. I'm not going out to the pink tonight.. just need to get some sleep. No more Duleuze for me..

Here are the reminds of the confusion from Deleuze.
These images are from my life these days.

for a laugh. ;)

In my head, all about my work and Deleuze these days.. I'm getting too obsessed..













by the way.. Paul.. sorry to hear that you have to stop eating Korean food.
Happy birthday to two ladies.. and J3sse is not the person I know..