I know everything is meaningful in human being, but I keep confronting feeling that everything is meaningless. I wanted to try hard to find out that there is something for me feeling worth. But, now I don't feel to find out anymore.
I miss my nephew and niece so much though.

So depressed from all kind of situations surrounding me right now. I don't have any energy to get off this depressing line. Rather it keeps pushing me down into the hell. I can't trust anybody in America. People are so individual and selfish somehow. Probably a lot of people who came here as abroad students had some expectation how this society would give them some kind of opportunities to find out valuable ideas in the long run. But, it's very blocked to those who are like me.

I already mentioned to Paul earlier that the re-elected guy is a nationalist, not a globalist, which means, he's gonna do whatever he feels right to have benefits. And, actually this society is based on these conservative value structure like what he wants, which I didn't really realize it before. I thought it's more like conflict value system between individualizd liberity and uptied sexuality. But, there is something more than those issus.

I always don't feel safe. Probably I just realized that nationalism or patriotism is more expanded than how the re-elected guy is in this country. It can be the supremacist structuralism.

I always don't feel safe, then why I have to do that again. I don't know.

It rained yesterday, but I was impressed from finding out some people in rain coats held a sign "Kerry and Edwards" on the sidewalk, while driving own my way to school yesterday. But, it was rainning. Something already implied that all of us in the world will have the saddest day soon. And it turned out the truth.

Wish people in every countries of the world could vote for this election. I really want to know what the world think of this..? I think nobody is happy with this result.
I'm not feeling good because I know it will affect on every single country in a bad way in the near future again. Please look at what's going on the world.

No peace for the world because the peace has been owned for only this country.

:( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :( :(

It's the saddest day for the world again.

Tony Conrad just said at the pink about half hour ago that we don't have his class tomorrow because he isn't feeling well and wants to be sick all day long tomorrow because of the result of the election. Then he added that even he doesn't want to hear more depressing news. Yes, this is depressing and I still can't believe it that they chose him again.

It's not only about US, but also the world. So depressing and very sad.

A lot of friends who know me well both in Korea and America know that I'm afraiad of Dogs and Cats, animals. Well, it was not a problem that I was afraid of dogs in Korea. 50% of Korean doesn't have a dog as their pets. But, it was a problem in America because a lot of my friends have dogs and cats in their home. So, I was terrified out of running into dogs or cats at my friends' house so many times. My friends said that I'm rediculous: even they couldn't really understand how I can be terrified of such cute dogs or cats. Well, I always replied that I had such a bad experience with a dog when I was a little girl.

I think it was probably when I was 6 years old. I remember that I went to my kid friend's house with other friend. From outside of her parents' house, we could hear a dog's barking so loudly. (Remember? I was just a little little girl.) So, it could immediately make me scared enough. As soon as my little friend opened the door, the dog suddenly came out that happened so quickly. (Of course we got so surprised and scared.) Well, my the other friend started running away, and me? I got frozen, and then I had to witness the dog bite off my friend's leg in front of me. How horrible was it..? I saw bloody from her leg and my friend passed out. I was just standing there and probably I couldn't take a breath. I was just a 6 years old kid. I don't remember what happened afterward. I can just photograph the moment exactly even now.

So, I never liked dogs, even cats as well. If any dogs on my way anywhere, I just automatically got frozen, couldn't keep walking, and had to wait any people who could walk with me. Cats were little okay.. but.. dogs.. no way in my life for a vary long time.

At one of my professor's party few weeks ago, when I was holding a dog and petting it, a friend of mine said, "oh my god, I can't believe my eyes, I never thought that Soyeon can hold a dog" Yeah, I did and I can hold one dog I know right now. Her name is Missu, one of my professor's dog. These days, I feel happy from the things that Missu can recognize me and comes to me everywhere. It's kind of weird for me, I'm getting over my cynophobia finally that I've never expected it. It has happened when I could start petting Robin's cat and My friend, Craig's cat, however petting or holding dogs was different issue. Well, apparently, I can hold dogs. I think small pets are okay, but I'm not sure I can hold or pet big dogs. Anyways, I like Missu a lot, she is so cute.. very cute and very quiet.. Never seen her barking.

So, I was thinking of how the traumatic memory that still bothers your feelings can go away from what has happened to me.. any phobia or any trauma can go away eventually oneday.. so.. I'm thinking, it is just our mental consciousness? or something else.? Well, I guess, how we are able to bear thses psychological problems that are all depending on our mental perception. I don't know.

by the way, thank you so much, Twisted. I looked at the website you recommanded. I like those bags so much.. but, my new powerbook is 15 inch which doesn't fit the one you think nice. So, I was searching one for 15 inch on the website, but there is nothing like that for 15 inch, So sad.

and, I will update our halloween party photos very soon. Paul, I feel so bad that we had a halloween party on the same day. I wanted to have all you guys. I didn't know that you would have one until last Friday. I feel bad.. really.
Anyway, you missed my first costume ever in my whole entire life

So happy now.. but I still need to get more memory.. Ram.. and external hard drive and.. DVD burner.. a bag for all these stuff.. But, I'm so happy..

I watched a DVD movie on my bed last night, then fell asleep.. I can just lay down on my bed and do work.. so great.. I can just carry it around my house and do interenet.. This is so cool.. I just want to stay home and do something with my new powerbook.. that's why I didn't go to the party at soundlab last night.. Finally I have my big toy.. happy.. happy..

[c]
Yeah, there is a halloween party and it's also Holly's birthday party as well on this Saturday. Oh well, halloween costume is highly recommanded. It's going to be around midnight. What else..? oh.. Paul Vanouse (art Professor) offered us his friend's house to have a party, which is very nice of him. ;)
Where we are gonna have a party..? Uh.. 20 Auburn that is the address.
And, you don't wanna miss it because it's also Holly's birthday party as well.
(I think I'm not good at posting up this.. oh well) [/c]

Halloween Party & Holly's Birthday Party.
20 Auburn. Midnight, Saturday, October 30
Here the map is..

Happy Birthday, Holly. Where are you right now..? We were waiting for you at the old pink.. Happy birthday.. Holly

From all my heart. Soyeon.

Why not.. It's okay driving.. it's nothing. I can drive for 15 hours.. why not. I'm strong enough.. I'm getting sick of running into hearing the name everyday, also getting frustrated of running into left images of that here. I'm going.., Also, I feel that I'm stuck in my work.. it doesn't seem to go in progress at all. I'm going to take a break. That's my final decision.

One more person I was close to has just left Buffalo a few minutes ago. He was like my little Korean brother. Well, he was in New York to study GRE after graduating.
Finally, he got back to Buffalo the day before yesterday and packed all his old stuff, and then just left for New York again. Feel sad.

I drove for him to go to a restaurant that hasn't happened for a long time.
(He used to get a ride from me often long time ago)
He said, "Sister, what's wrong with your car.. it's dirty in here"
I replied to him. "It's okay.. it's not really dirty"
He said, "I meant, you were not used to be like this"
I said, "It's okay, it doesn't matter"

I remembered that he and my old housemate used to complain to me cleaning up the house and everything too much.. They used to tell me.. "Stop cleaning up, please" Yeah, I did care of even one hair on the floor. Now, I don't care. My room gets mess so often.

There will be no more person who knew me how I was. So, I can rebuild another history of me. Do you think that sounds good.? or sad in a way..?

He and I had a great brunch together. We talked about getting old. He pointed out that my facial skin is getting bad and suggested me to do some excercise.
"Sis, please take care of yourself, I'm worried about you."
He left behind this word to me and drove away. So sad.

Whenever I'm in the place to send away people I was close to, it makes me so sad..
I don't know how to explain the feeling exactly.

But, I accidentely saw your memory today, as if I was standing outside and looking inside through the window, and I kept watching it over and over again.
Soon afterward, I realized that there is no space I can get in your memory, that is the feeling melancholy I always say.

Thoughts after watching Hiroshima Mon Amour.,, - SJ