It's almost been 10 years. I'm still here with greedy mind, but it is just empty.
I was there with greedy mind, and it was full enough.

A best friend of mine in Korea told me.. everything was my decision. I know that, so I can't look back although it still hurts me.

I'm listening to David Lanz's "a white shade of pale" that makes me feel melancholy and emptiness again.

It's almost been 10 years. I want to start my life just in 1994.. 10 years ago.

do not look back.. but I do.

SJ.

Everybody has blue days.

These are miserable days when you feel lousy.
grumpy,
lonely,
and utterly exhausted.

Days when you feel small and insignificant,
when everything seems just out of reach.
You can't rise to the occasion.

Just getting started seems impossible.
On blue days you can become paranoid that everyone is out to get you. (This is not always such a bad thing.)

You feel frustrated and anxious,
which can induce a nail-biting frenzy
that can escalate into a triple-chocolate-mud-cake-eating frenzy in a blink of an eye!

On blue days you feel like you're floating in an ocean of sadness.
You're about to burst into tears at any moment and you don't even
know why. Ultimately, you feel like you're wandering through life without purpose.

You're not sure how much longer you can hang on,
and you feel like shouting, "Will someone please shoot me!"
It doesn't take much to bring on a blue day.
You might just wake up not feeling or looking your best,
find some new wrinkles,
put on a little weight,
or get a huge pimple on your nose.

You could forget your date's name or have an embarrassing photograph published.
You might get dumple, divorced, or fired,
make a fool of yourself in public, be afflicted with a demeaning nickname,
or just have a plain old bad-hair day.
Maybe work is pain in the butt.

You're under major pressure to fill someone else's shoes,
your boss is picking on you,
and everyone in the office is driving you crazy.

You might have a splitting headache, or a slipped disk,
bad breath,
a toothache,
chronic gas,
dry lips,
or a nasty ingrown toenail.

Whatever the reason, you're convinced that someone up there doesn't like you. Oh what to do, what to dooo?

Well, if you're like most people, you'll hide behind a flimsy belief that everything will sort itself out.

Then you'll spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder,
waiting for everything to go wrong all over again.

All the while becoming crusty and cynical
or a pathetic, sniveling victim.

Until you get so depressed that you lie down and beg the earth to swallow you up or, even worse, become addicted to Billy Joel songs.

This is crazy, because you're only young once
and you're never old twice.

Who knows What fantastic things are in store just around the corner?

After all, the world is full of amazing discoveries,
things you can't even imagine now.

There are delicious, happy sniffs and scrumptious snacks to share.

Hey, you might end up fabulously rich
or even become a huge superstar (one day).

Sounds good, doesn't it?

But wait, there's more!
There are handstands and games to play
and yoga
and karaoke
and wild, crazy, bohemian dancing.
But best of all, there's romance.

Which means long dreamy stares,
whispering sweet nothings,
cuddles,
smooches,
more smooches,
and even more smooches,
a frisky love bite or two,
and then, well, anything goes.

So how can you find that blissful "just sliding into a hot bubble bath" kind of feeling"

It's easy.
First, stop slinking away from all those nagging issues. It's time to face the music.

Now, just relax.
Take some deep breaths (in through the nose and out through the mouth).
Try to meditate if you can.

Or go for a walk to clear your head.

Accpet the fact that you'll have to let go of some emotional baggage.

Try seeing things from a different perspective.

Maybe you're actually the one at fault.
If that's the case, be big eno


ugh to say you're sorry. (it's never too late to do this.)

If someone else is doing the wrong thing, stand up tall and
sa
y,


"That's not right and I won't stand for it!" It's okay to be forceful.
( It's rarely okay to blow raspberries.)

Be pround of who you are,
but don't lose the ability to laugh at yourself.
( this is a lot easier when you associate with positive people.)

Live every day as if it were your last, becasue one it will be.

Don't be afraid to bite off more than you can chew.

Take big risks.

Never hang back. Get out there and go for it.

After all, isn't that what life is all about?

I think so too.

It's the third times to get a cold for me in this winter. A day before leaving Korea, I was so sick. I don't want to get sick. I gotta take a medicine right now.

Well, I thought that my landload turned off one of my radiators, but it turned out she didn't. It had a little problem to heat up. So, she's fixed it. I'm so bad.

A lot of things are on my mind these days. Trying to figure things out. I think I should think everything positive. That's the most important attitude toward everything.

I'm going to New York this Friday night and coming back next Monday night. I talked to my friends in New York about the plans a couple minutes ago. Here the plans are.

Friday, we all hang out, go to bar.. just have a fun night.

Saturday, artistic day. go to galleries as many as we can in New York. Then eat Korean food. My friend, Nick said he will find out if there is any party going on Saturday night. So we can go.

Sunday. cleaning up day. my friend, Craig's house is so massy since he's moved in there. Never been cleaned up. He said he needs a woman to organize his stuff little bit. So I will help him for that on Sunday. Then Nick said, we can go to Karaoke at night.

Monday, my day. Nick and Craig need to work for Monday. So, I will go around New York by myself and have a lunch with Nick. Buy some books.. Then leave for Buffalo.

Well, it will be very fun. I'm so excited.

Wait, it's my youngest sister's birthday. I gotta email her right now otherwise she would kill me.

Oneday at my place in Buffalo, a Korean friend of mine told me that if you yearn for somebody or something, you get feeling lonely and depressed. I was little questionable of that at the time but I agree with that right now.

Now, I miss warm weather and am getting depressed. I get cold very easily. People in Buffalo are telling me because I'm a tiny girl. Actually, my body temperature is very low that is told by my doctor in Korea. When I was a little girl, I got ill very easily. Now, I'm very okay but I can't stand with cold temperature. Well, people can ask me why I came here then. Hum.. actully, I like wearing jackets a lot.. that's why.. doesn't make sense..?

My house is very cold. It is included heat apartment but we can't control house temperature becasue my landload control it.
I think she is very nice but she is such a stingy. She often turns off one of my radiators although I don't have any radiator in my room. So, I've decided to move out after finishing my contract. I like my house but I can't be patient of cold anymore.

I wanted to be clam and to take easy for this year but... cold house makes me feel so bad again. So sad.

I miss my mom's house in Korea and everybody in Korea and it makes me feel so lonely again. There are always enough food and warm-hearted mind. I miss there a lot. I just want to be there right now. So, I called my mom and told her my situation here. She said.
"Move out right away" Well, go back to Amherst again..? I don't think so.

I'm just grumpy right now.