i have a suede coat that belonged to my grandmother. it's really old and has a lot of character.

i love this coat. every time i go out when i'm wearing it, i give thanks to miss gertie or bessie or whatever her name was that gave her life to keep me warm.

animals are definitely made for weathering the strong winds and intense cold. i am grateful that i have this wonderful coat to keep me warm in the winter. wearing an animal helps to keep me connected to how life used to be.

today i went to look at a room near ub, which would be very inexpensive. the lady was nice enough, but i know she wouldn't be able to handle living with me. i always seem to push people out of their comfort zones, even if it's just with my energy. i know i will find a better place to live. thank you, universe!

on the way home, i walked in to the wind for 15 minutes and then waited for the kenmore bus for another 30 minutes. it was super cold. i was waiting behind a building where i could see if the bus was coming from a ways away. when it finally came, the bus driver was driving really fast and even though i was furiously waving AND i had an orange shirt covering my head, he didn't see me until the last minute. i ended up feeling pretty negative about the nfta. that was really not cool, especially because the kenmore bus only runs once per hour. i ended up taking the subway and then the delavan bus instead.

i had scored a vacuum cleaner, too, walking all that way with it and stashing it outside mcdonalds so i could go grocery shopping at tops. i had been thinking how much i needed a vacuum, and i thought it wonderful that the universe provided one for my use.

but i am thankful that i choose not to walk over to the subway with it. that was the most intense wind and cold i have felt for years and it was difficult walking there.

now it has calmed down a lot and the sun is out. this feels much better.

oh goodness.

my roommates decided to get trashed last night. weird. i'm not used to being around sloppy drunk people anymore, so i sought out quiet most of the time and joined in the party only sometimes.

i had been expecting to go to the himalayan institute for their holiday party, which included meditation, music, and wrapping gifts for kids with aids. i've never been invited to a meditation party before, and i was looking forward to finding the community there and relaxing. but instead i ended up getting cramps, so i stayed home. it's pretty strange how things turn out sometimes.

so i'm living in a one bedroom apartment with three other people (one if them is a newborn, so she doesn't really count). last night my roommate's sister sabrina was over too. sabrina used to work as a dancer and was being overly sexual with my roommate phil, who was pretty uncomfortable about it. (sabrina did write him a note appologizing this morning.)

i always happened to be out of the room whenever any of the drama took place, which was fine with me. somehow, i manged to turn my sexual energy off about six months ago and it's pretty liberating. it's really easy to get distracted with sexual thoughts and that really hasn't been where i am at all.

despite all the beer lat night and hung over peole today, it was mostly all good fun. and even though our place is a bit crowded at times, i really like living with people.

i love how each snowflake glistens in the light.

so peaceful.

this is what winter is about.

peace.

today i got to hang out with hannah michele, who has officially been here on earth for 16 days. she weighs just 6 pounds and she's so tiny, a little-itty-bitty human.

this evening, for the first time ever, she lifted her head up and held it there for quite a while. she was lying on my belly at the time, and we were in a darkish room together. when she learned that she could lift her head, she practiced again and again. you could tell she was working hard because she had found new strength and she was ready to develop it. she ended up doing it a number of times and i could see her advancing and getting stronger.

blessings!

this was such a special moment to share with my new neice. it was the first time she'd been awake and alert for so long, other than at a time when she was eating.

it is so amazing to see her learn so much. and to learn so much with her.

babies are glorious miracles. thank you, lord.

i had my interview at ub today. even though i am not used to doing this formal type of thing, it went wonderfully.

there were three people there interviewing me, which could be a little daunting, but i was pretty relaxed, especially after answering the first question "why do you want to be a nurse?", i saw that "stern lady" rated my answer 4-5, on a scale of zero to five (five being best). yes, it was weird that she wrote that down right in front of me. i didn't look at her sheet any more because if the numbers went down, it would have been a little stressful.

but i found that i had really good answers for those tougher questions, like "why should we pick you as a candidate for this program?" i said that i have had many different experiences and have lived outside of my comfort zone for extended periods of time, which would enable me to deal with anything that comes my way..., etc, and then i added, "and i'm a really caring person" with a big smile. it was cool to see that when i talked a bit of my experiences, my essay had made an impact on at least one of the interviewers, she obviously had remembered reading about the things i mentioned.

oh, the toughie was, "how is being in this intensive type of program going to change your lifestyle?" gulp. i flat out said that it would change everything about it. i am used to going wherever i want to go and doing whatever type of peace-keeping work i find, and this would severly change everything. but i was honsest, although i had chosen different words from these, and i think they appreciated that.

when i was leaving, i heard "grandmotherly type" exclaim something to the effect of "wow." that felt really good.

one silly (i guess) thing that i did was that i asked them, "why should i choose UB?" they all kind of chucked, so i came up with a quick follow-up: "tell me about the best things in your program" or something to that effect. i gave myself a pat on the back for a quick response to a slightly awkward moment.

i was pleased that i was able to be open with the interviewers and not intimidated by them at all.

i love cleaning.

it brings me joy to see a space grow cleaner as i work. i love coming in to a dirty house, yard, forest or any area, spending time cleaning and loving the space. and then when i leave, everything looks and feels better, cleaner, and energy can flow more easily.

for the first time, i cleaned houses for money for a couple weeks. i have cleaned many spaces for other reasons, but never for money before.

luckily, i got to do the deep clean that i enjoy. i cleaned a huge house, four bathrooms (one of them the size of a large bedroom), immense kitchen covered with grease stains that must have had about 50 cabinets, and wood, wood, wood everywhere that had to be wiped down by hand. i cleaned the master bedroom floor four times. it made a huge difference.

the house looked spectacular, when i was done there, especially compared to what it looked like before.

i made $12/hour. the going rate in that area (wilmington, north carolina) is $15-25/hour.

the odd thing about cleaning someone's house is that they treat you like dirt. i suppose it is a dirty job, but literally, when people see someone cleaning, they think low of that person, like the cleaning person is not on the same level or something. i wonder if it a defense of some sort. i don't really know.

i actually don't really mind how i'm treated in this situation. i have enough confidence in who i am to not let myself get down in the slightest. i am just saying that this is an interesting, and pretty common all thoughout the world.

and there do not seem to be enough thank yous in this job. having your house or yard cleaned makes a huge difference. i found it ironic that the little things that i cleaned--that were expensive items like marbe furniture and glass cabinets for the china--impressed the woman i was working for much more than the humungous cleanses i did on her house, like the floors and the grease-covered stove.

despite the lack of thanks (i guess that really there is not a lack of thanks, because i take time to appreciate how nice things look afterwards), i honestly do like this job, and i found that i was getting job offers left and right to clean for peple. but i have to admit that i enjoy cleaning much more when i do it for love and blessings than when i do it for money.

i haven't had computer access for a couple weeks, and i finally got to be on a computer today. i went to paul's journal, and i heard some conversation about me. that's hysterical! i love the timing on that one.

so, do i take showers now? well, about as often as i used to. i guess actually a little more often because i've been doing manual labor. but i started to wear deodorarant, so i don't smell anymore. my cousin told me that she loved me, so she needed to let me know that i smell bad sometimes and that people notice and then she gave me some deodorant. i had been living outside with a bunch of hippies for the early part of this year, so it didn't really matter, but when i moved to a city, i guess it offended people. i was surprised once i started to wear deodorant that my entire room smelled (when i smelled, i couldn't tell that my room had an odor). it took several days for the smelll to clear.

ah, so life. i'm about to get on a greyhound bus to somewhere, maybe buffalo, maybe asheville, nc. regardless, i'll be headed to buffalo before christmas because my classes start on dec 26.

i have had a great time in wilmington (except for the family struggles) and i've met lots of awesome people. i like it so much that i'd stay here to go to school, but they don't have the program that i'm looking for.

so last night, after i wrote my journal entry about nutmeg (#18), i moved over to my dad's brand new house. i am not in to material possessions at all, but i do need to marvel just a bit at the new place; my dad took a lot of care to make sure everything was just as he would like, and it has turned out great.

i got in at 1:00 a.m. since my dad was not yet there (he was watching tv over at his old house, since cable hasn't been set up yet), i decided to send out a lot of blessings to the new house before anyone slept there. (i did not have any sage, or i would have used that.)

i carefully put dim mood lighting on in many of the rooms, and walked around with my lit candle and my bells to send out blessings to each room. as i left each room, i turned off any lights.

the master bathroom has three mirrors on each side of it, and the mirrors all have a lip (or something) that comes down at a slight angle. when i was walking by with my candle, i noticed the many colors that were reflecting in the mirrors. and when i stood just right, my flame extended in both directions, as far as they could go. do you know that you can see the flame flicker much more in the reflections that are farther away? the flame that reflected off the top was rainbow and much larger than the others. it was extraordinarily beautiful.

one thing that i had been missing about my dad's new house is the lack of spirits there. when i was staying with PMT, their house was alive with tons of spirits, which makes sense, as their house is old and many people have been there. (i even grew fond of hanging out with wendy, who lived in the oven, before she locked herself in a vortex and left the home.)

but i found that i was mistaken--there is at least one spirit there. in the sunroom, there were no appropriate lights to leave on, since they were all bright. as i was leaving the room, i happened to notice that the light switch, unlike all the others in the house, was illuminated green. interesting, i thought, maybe i should turn off the light switch entirely to get rid of the glow. but i left it with the dim green glow. no lights were on. i am 100% sure of that.

after i had finished my ritual, i saw a glow from the sunroom. someone had turned on the bright light in there. someone... yes... someone. i am happy to meet you, thank you for having me in your home.

yes, thank you.

i was encouraged to meditate before i went to bed, and after i layed in total relaxation and felt my body floating, just like it would after lying in relaxation after a great yoga class. i felt fine today, but i did wake up from 5 a.m.-7:30 a.m. i will blame the nutmeg for that. it did, however, make me enjoy the beautiful sunrise!

all in all, i enjoyed taking nutmeg, but i would not do it again on my own, although i would love to take it in the company of people i love. i tried it because i have been quite bored and had not been in any altered state of consciousness for some time (excepting a slight buzz from alcohol). considering my usual high tolerance to most drugs the first time i take them, i didn't figure that 1 tbsp. of nutmeg would do anything. i am still amazed.

here is the essay i submitted to UB for nursing school. i'm kind of proud of it (although i liked it better when it was much too long; i had to cut a few hundred words to make it almost fit in to their word count requirements)


    When I was working as a hurricane relief volunteer in New Orleans, I found immense joy in being able to help people directly. I enjoyed cooking and serving meals to over 2,000 people a day. I enjoyed passing out drinking water to residents who had lost everything. I enjoyed picking up trash, beautifying the living space that was covered in debris from the flood. And I enjoyed teaching yoga and relaxation techniques to weary volunteers. But the most gratifying part of my experience actually happened because I had a bicycle accident, making me unable to do the physical work I had come to New Orleans to do.

    We had a medical tent at our organization. Since I had a number of injuries, including fracturing my scapula, I spent much of my time recovering in the medical tent. The registered nurses volunteering there helped me by cleaning my cuts, removing my stitches, positioning my sling correctly, and teaching me exercises to regain strength and flexibility in my shoulder. I know that I felt secure because skilled, experienced nurses were able to help me during this time.

As I recovered, I continued to spend time in our medical tent. The more I healed, the more time I spent focusing on others. I was able to open my heart to people, taking time to help them by cleaning and bandaging their cuts; finding them something to eat, no matter what time of day or night; getting them vitamins and over the counter medicines; and just being available to listen to them. I cherish this time I was able to devote to each person who came in to our medical tent. This work was, by far, the most rewarding work I have ever done.

I came to realize that I would be a much bigger help to people if I became a registered nurse. I have long known that I would like to work in the health care field. I completed yoga teacher training and have studied Reiki and other healing modalities. I have looked in to various alternative and holistic medical programs, but I have found them to have either a limited scope or limited employment opportunities. Nursing is a demanding profession that requires serious course work and credentialing, and offers immense career potential. There are many nurse specialties, and I am not yet sure which I will choose. But I enjoy learning, and nursing is a career that will keep me learning all the time. The human body is a wonder and we are fortunate to have top-notch health care in the United States.

I have been fortunate to spend time in a number of countries, gaining an understanding of people from varied backgrounds, which will help me be culturally sensitive to my patients and their families. I speak Spanish fluently, and see my Spanish ability as an asset to most hospitals. Everywhere I have been, the most rewarding times were those when I was helping people. Being a nurse will allow me to help much more-I will directly affect people's lives every day.

    I know that nursing will be a challenging career. And I am certain that my varied experiences have made me a strong person. With a solid education and practical clinical experience, I know I will be able to face each challenge I encounter as a nurse. I look forward to embarking on a career where I can use all aspects of myself-my physical body, my intellect, and my compassion.