i had a fabulous weekend soaking up some carolina culture.

saturday evening, i attened my second ever pig pick'n. we had a huge bonfire and the moon was full, so there was lots of amazing energy. everybody was having a lot of fun, and it was super to meet people that i only knew from J&J's, the local diner where everyone knows each other, in another situation and to have a fun time with my dad. some top point of the night were:

bobby looking over at my dad and telling us that, even though my dad was by himself, he was smiling. i'm glad my dad enjoys people watching so much. you see, he isn't in the best of health, so i'm really happy that he can still enjoy himself. my dad also enjoyed seeing the wood he had brought over go in to the fire. i think there's really good energy when you burn things you don't need (this was extra lumber from my dad's new house) especially at a communal fire like this.

conversation with jeff, who was extremely intoxicated, Renee, jeff's wife, and me.
Jeff: Ahyoo sluhkinuhlthhhhislliin?
Oda: <looks very confused>
Renee: <translates for jeff> Are you soaking all this shit in?
while i might choose to change the word 'shit' to something more positive, yes, i was taking it all in, taking in all the love. it is great to see everyone enjoying being together, outside at a fire on a chilly night.

i absolutely love fires on the full moon, and there was such amazing energy. at one point i realized my smile was just too immense, so i got away from the crowd for a bit to smile with the trees and the moon. and my friend tom noticed my smile, which also made me happy.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

we got home pretty early from the pig pick'n, so i went out to the gypsy cafe (the only place i had been out to here so far), and had a very lovely time with a group of hippies acting wild and crazy, seeking truth, and loving each other.
bash, who is the boy i like, (geez, i tried to write like in past tense, but it wasn't honest so it didn't end up that way), anyway, bash told me he's attracted to me and kept me smiling with his wonderful questions and search for meaning in his experiences. however, it seems that marcy, his fiancee (oops!) wasn't too happy with bash. but i would never do anything to break up any relationship. i think bash and i have a lot to learn from each other and i do hope we get a chance to explore that without having to have our attraction for each other get in the way of anything. i know it is possible.


+++++++++++++++++++++++++

sunday, i went to a bluegrass festival with some other friends. i enjoyed learning so much there. i was in a super social mood, and talked with tons of people: the square dancers who were having so much fun (i think i want to learn it!), the vietnam vet selling knives (my friend said it was the last place he expected to find me, but i love everyone and i like knives), the hippie who travels around with him mom selling glass art, and many people who thought i was bizarre for not wearing shoes. it was sunny and 65 degrees--i don't know why anyone would want to wear shoes on such a gorgeous day! but answering "i'm from buffalo" started up many a friendly conversation. i'm glad the conversations flowed so freely, especially in the face of all the prejudice against hippies here. only positive vibes around today. people are really friendly in the south.

it was a very wonderful weekend, much peace and love.

i gained six pounds today. i don't know how that is physically possible.

hormones are weird.

so, since yesterday was halloween, i decided that i was free to dress up in my favorite gypsy clothes. mind you, these are not clothes i would normally put all together, except maybe at a full moon fire circle that had really good energy.

i even spent $2 at the dollar store on my outfit to get the more "steroetypical" gypsy look, purchasing large hoop earrings and eyeliner.

since i didn't have any evening plans, i got dressed up for the whole day. i figured it would be fun.

however, instead, i discovered just how prejudiced people are in the sticks of north carolina. all day long, people made a point to let me know, both verbally and with unkind looks, how unwelcome i was, at restaurants, gas stations, and especially at the nursury i went to visit (because i figured that being around plants would be better than waiting around for the car inspection watching fox news.)

since i am white, i have never experienced such outrageous prejudice directed at me. damn, it feels horrible.

why would anyone judge another person on how they look? it really saddens me to feel so much prejudice still exists, and i am also sad at how little i have noticed until it was directed at me personally. i feel horrible that i live so unaware of how so many minorities suffer every day from unfounded prejudices. that is so completely, absolutely WRONG and unacceptable.

why don't we just all love each other? it really isn't that hard...


(lyrics below by melanie)

Beautiful people
You live in the same world as I do
But somehow I never noticed
You before today
I'm ashamed to say

Beautiful people
We share the same back door
And it isn't right
We never met before
But then
We may never meet again
If I weren't afraid you'd laugh at me
I would run and take all your hands
And I'd gather everyone together for a day
And when we gather'd
I'll pass buttons out that say
Beautiful people
Then you'd never have to be alone
'Cause there'll always be someone
With the same button on as you
Include him in everything you do.

Beautiful people
You ride the same subway
As I do ev'ry morning
That's got to tell you something
We've got so much in common
I go the same direction that you do
So if you take care of me
Maybe I'll take care of you

Beautiful people
You look like friends of mine
And it's about time
That someone said it here and now

so i went to my first ever pig pickin' today. yes, me a long time vegetarian. it actually wasn't as bad as i thought. i imagined a pig all together roasting over an open fire on that thing that rotates the dead animals around. but the pig was cut in half and cooked in a humongous barbeque-type cooker.

my dad asked me if i could be 'normal' for the pig pickin'. he said if people ask me where i live, i should just say buffalo. i guess he doesn't really like that i say that i'm a traveller. it sound too weird. i do have to give him some credit though, because he said the people at this pig pickin' weren't his friends, but his neighbors and that it's o.k. for me to tell his friends more of who i am. that made me feel much better about the request.

i think i did the normal thing pretty well: i wore jeans and a t-shirt and certainly no one thought that i was a gypsy, so i guess that made my dad happy.

but i found that my 'normal' self didn't have much to say.

what is it about this whole finding a mate thing that makes people behave in ways they wouldn't normally? i guess emotions must be really intense.

i met a guy two nights ago, and i really liked him. it is extremely rare that i meet anyone i'm interested in, so i had such a smile every time i thought about him. everything he said that night was so right on, and it seemed like we had such a strong connection. he totally got who i am and it was obvious that he was very interested in me. and i was certainly intregued by him as well. i kept on thinking of the things he said for the past two days.

well, i saw him again tonight (at a bar, we weren't on a date or anything). despite the fact that i had a super-good night and totally enjoyed myself and meeting lots of new people, i found myself leaving the bar sadly because it didn't seem that me and him had that connection tonight. i guess the one amusing thing is that we literally crashed in to each other three times during the night, and considering that his name is bash, i think that's super-funny.

so why am i thinking that the night was not good? what happens to us? why are we so irrational for no reason? if i had never met him the other night, i would be much more smiley right now. though, hopefully, now that i wrote about this in my journal, i'll get over it quickly. (and i actually do feel much better now than i did when i was driving home.)

well, on better news, i have another friend now and josh and i are meeting up at the arboretum tomorrow. he is really cool and i'm happy to have another friend here.

p.s. (the next day) i decided that i was just over reacting last night in my semi-drunken state, and i realize that there is nothing at all that i need to fret about. i was mostly upset because the boy and i didn't really get to talk that much during the night.

yes, indeed, we are all one.

i had an amazing day.

i started out working, doing some leaf blowing. i decided to pretend that i was high when i was blowing the leaves. surprisingly, it worked quite well. i was totally enjoying everything. the weather was perfect today and the sun was shining strong.

then i went over to my dad's new house to help out tom with a few things there. my dad was at the doctors, and it was just me, tom, and buck, some of my dad's friends (and handymen).

for the first time (i guess because my dad wasn't there), i had a some good conversations with buck and tom. i was talking about my life a bit and mentioning that i have lived in communal places with a lot of hippies. buck saw that tom and i were getting friendly, and he pointed out that tom is a biker, not a hippie. i said "i like them, too." and i really mean it. i like everyone who is real, not afraid to be who they are.

after we finished most of our work, tom said those magic three words that have sparked many a friendship. :-`D

indeed, tom is definitely a biker. he just spent last week at biketoberfest (or something like that) in daytona beach. and he's super patriotic, at least to all the bumper stickers he has on his helmet. but i really like him, i always have ever since i met him a couple years back.

so we hung out for a bit and then i realized how little i've been outside. and really, it was absolutely gorgeous out today.

then i went for a drive by myself, over to topsail island. the beach is very pretty there. it was destroyed by hurricane fran some years back (probably about 10 by this point), but it was nice to see just how well they've recovered. (the island looks better than ever, and it really is great that it's so clean there, especially because i recently spent three months in louisiana doing hurricane relief work. it touched my soul.)


smile-smile-smile-smile-smile-smile-smile-smile-smile-smile-smiles

for the first time in a while, i went to fairy land for an extended period of time. i will try to describe what it's like when i have a permagrin on my face.

smile-smile-smile-smile-smile-smile-smile-smile-smile-smile-smiles

the perfect moments come when you realize that every experience you've ever had in your life has come together and you are just filled with so much joy. every memory is pure love, every single thought helps to make you realize that you have manifested everything that happens and that it is all love. i enjoyed discovering the beauty here today.

i enjoyed driving my 1989 honda on cruise control. you see, i am not really the best of drivers unless there are things on the road that i need to pay attention to. i like to be on auto pilot, driving along slowly and seeing all the beauty that is everywhere. each song that came on the radio fit my life perfectly. i even tuned in to "peace train" at the line:

now i've been crying lately, thinking about the world as it is.
why must we go on hating?
why can't we live in bliss?

which is telling my life exactly as it is right now. and i got to enjoy all the clapping and good vibes for the rest of the song.


i passed fairytale lane
...and i smiled for all the time i've spent in fairy land
i thought of my new biker friend
...and i smiled that i now have a friend in north carolina
i went to the beach
...and i smiled because i had forgotten how salty the ocean water was
...and i smiled because the birds were calling out to say "love"
i thought how i had called out to my soul mate the other day when i was feeling down
...and i smiled because he responded
...and i smiled because i don't need to be with her, or even to know where she is because he is ALWAYS with me, inside me
and i talked to my friend kimberly
...and i smiled because i was able to put at least a little bit of a smile on her sad face
and i enjoyed the sunsine, and i enjoyed the water
...and i smiled for everything that was manifest today.
...and then i smiled some more.

we are all one
many, many blessings to you.

LOVE!

i feel so much better after going on to estrip this morning.

i don't think this is all coincidence:

ajay posts about benfits of sex
the sugar gliders have sex forever

paul posts about the sugar gliders
mrdeadlier dreams about the sugar gliders

lilho makes a comment about the circus
at the time she was writing her journal, i literally was wondering how i could join a circus.


i'm sure there are many more connections, but these three obvious ones jumped out at me first thing this morning.

i had a really tough sleepless night, thinking way too much. now i wake up to good news: we are one.

much love to all and many blessings!

earlier today, when i first saw my stepmother, ellen, i realized that if i were going to stay in a good headspace, i needed to put up a force field to protect myself. i have rarely seen anyone so irritable.

after a few hours, things were better, and i let my shield down a little.

but i should have known how bad dinner was going to be when ellen said something about the liberal media. i said i didn't want to talk about politics, but wanted to know if she really believed that the media was liberal. she explained that the wilmington newspaper was owned by the new york times, and that yes, she considered it liberal. when i asked if she thought that most media was liberal, she said a big fat YES. my jaw literally dropped, and i said i had never met anyone who thought that way. she said i must lead a really sheltered life. (yes, in fact, i DO, if you consider that i choose to surround myself with like-minded people.)

so, then, later at dinner, things got much worse. i happened to mention that i was having a hard time with the university of north carolina application (for nursing school) because it was made for people who live in the box.

ellen got really angry and decided to explain to me that nursing is a career that is in the box. she made it sound like you are just an unthinking slave to whatever the doctors say. i tried to talk a little, explaining that my cousin, who is a nurse, had told me that i would be allowed to discuss nutrition and exercise with patients, justs that i wouldn't be allowed to recommend any herbs or advise anyone to get off the medications they are currently taking. ellen, who has been a jaded nurse for a great number of years, expalined that nurses really are not allowed to do anything. i gave up trying to talk, as i was on the verge of tears and i didn't want to say anything. i just got super quiet and was unable to try to defend myself at all for the rest of the meal. ellen continued on her diatribe and tried as hard as she could to tell me all the negatives associated with being a nurse.

i am really sorry for ellen that she chose to manifest such a horrible reality for herself. i have chosen a different reality for myself, one filled with joy and love. and i don't doubt that i will find even more joy and love as a nurse.

i think sometimes people just can't stand seeing others happy. i really have a hard time dealing with those people who try to bring others down. i feel so shitty right now, and i am upset with myself for letting her her bring me down so much.

ugh! applications are such an absolute horrible pain in the butt. i don't know how to answer these questions. i think they assume that everyone lives in some neat, tidy, fucking babylonian box.

describe your activities since graduation.

i have 1000 characters, not words, but characters for this one. where do i start? do i have to include that boring 4 years of work i did in boston?

here's my favorite:
list in chronological order, to date of this application, all places you have spent at least 4 consecutive days during the past two years. your response must include your current address, all other places lived, and vacations. attach separate sheet if necessary.

for this, i am allowed three spaces!! i think it would be hysterically funny if i really did fully answer this question like they asked it. i would have to attach multiple sheets of paper. let's see, if 2 years=700+ days, then i estimate that i probably could list about 50 places. and i'm proud of it, but i feel that the school would not really understand that i am a traveller, and that that is a good thing!

Some top places to list:
national forest, colorado
OTB (Off-track betting) parking lot, St. Bernard's parish, Louisiana
Ashram
Closet of PMT's house
1991 Toyota Corolla

do you think the school would like these? at least they would know that i'm not super-boring, right?

---

on other news, i am in north carolina now. i am constantly seeing bumper stickers like:

I heart hooters!

I'd rather hunt with Dick Cheney...than ride with Ted Kennedy

But i finally found that north carolina does have some hippies!! yay! i went to a drum circle and fire spinning event last night and luckily met some like-minded people.

my dad thinks it's a big deal that i don't shave. this is such a non-issue for me now. and i have made a point to be super clean here: i'm wearing deodorant (no more "that oda smell"), i'm putting up my hair every day to hide that one dreadie that decided to pop up, and (i think) i'm acting pretty normal.

i really miss having good friends. <sigh> i don't know how long i'll be here.

hi buffalo. i was in the city for a bit sunday-monday, and i wish to send everyone a lot of peace. i couldn't believe the destruction all around, especially the poor trees. how sad.

it was good to see everyone working together to get things cleaned up, though. go buffalo!

my one complaint was that yesterday morning, i went by the co-op house at elmwood and north and i noticed that the tree debris was still on their lawn. after spending many hours at the bus stop outside the house, i know that many people talk about the residents of the house, as that house is one of the few places in buffalo that has visible hippies. i sincerely hope that they have already cleaned up their yard. i don't want people to talk negatively about them (and make all of us hippies look lazy!).

peace and love to all!