(e:Mike) I love you. I want you to know that you are really important to me. My life would not be the same without you. I know it doesn't seem true since I've been away at school, but you really are so important. You were the first (and so far only) person I have called since I've been home. When you came to visit me at school I suddenly felt so much more at home, even though I have been living there for three years. I know that I am not fun and I don't go out much so it's me saying this doesn't make you feel better and I'm sorry. But just know that if you ever need someone to talk to or hang out with, I'm here for you.

Okay, this may seem like just another silly excuse for why I am incapable of doing work but I HATE MY DESK! It is the worst possible set-up to do work on. First of all, it is made for left handed people. The drawers and everything are on the left. That means I have to situate my computer on the right half and all of my papers on the left. It's so annoying because I can't write anything while I am sitting in front of my computer. Furthermore, it is uneven. It wobbles up and down, and not by a little either- by A LOT. I have put things under the legs but they get kicked out or something and so the wobbling continues. My printer doesn't even fit on my desk so I have to put it on top of my dresser. I know it's not really worth complaining about but it's annoys me so much when I am trying to do work and I don't have a place to put anything.

At home I have a wonderful desk. The printer is in a little drawer and all my papers can fit on either side. Even when I lived in the dorms I had a better desk than now. They were great. Come to think of it, I want one of the those. I should see where they get them from. The only problem with replacing my craptastic desk is that I live on the third floor. Moving anything in or out of my apartment is such a huge pain. I should just stick it out intil June when I get out of here to avoid the hassle. Ugh...

Ahhhhh. I am so mad/sad because I just realized today that my favorite professor was teaching a course this term and I missed it. I know this doesn't sound like a big deal but it really is. You see, I took a class with Prof Chalmers Clark my freshmen year in philosophy and I totally feel in love with him. Not actually love, but more total adoration. He is a sweet 60 year old man who loves what he teaches and has a kind sense of humor. I just thought he was so nice. I even tried to fix him up with one of my mom's friends! Alas, he already had "a sweetheart waiting for him back home." How cute is that?!

Anyway, he was just visiting that year to teach one class because he is from schenectady and his mom was sick so he had to take care of her. Again, how cute!? So when he left I didn't take any other philosphy courses and I have been searching the course listings ever since to see if he returned, but he was never listed. THen, today when I was waiting for a friend I saw a sign on a door that said "Prof Clark has cancelled philosophy 113 because of the snow." At first I wondered whether it was the same person (obviously there are a lot of Clark's). So, like the loser I am, I raced to the nearest computer and looked up the course listing and found that he is teaching not one but TWO classes this term at Union. He even has a little bio online as a visiting prof. I was sad because I thought his mom might be sick again, and even more sad because I would have taken one of his classes if the stupid registrar hadn't listed him as "Staff" when we were selecting our courses. But more than anything else I was glad other people got have him as a prof. I used to tell people about him and how great he was. I always hoped my enthusiastic course evaluation would encourage Union to bring him back to us.

Anyway, now I will just have to feel sad that I missed him. It was my last chance to ever have a course with my chum Chalmers. I will miss him getting way to excited about philospohy and swinging his arms wildly with his shirt that has sweat stains on it. Oh, Chalmers...

Here is the bio he put on my school's website (I especially love the last sentence!):


Chalmers Clark will split his time at Union and as Visiting Fellow in Philosophy and with the Institute for Social & Policy Studies at Yale University. His background is in the naturalized epistemology of W. V. Quine. His interest is to extend Quine's scientific holism into the domain of moral and political thought. The result has been research and publication in several interdisciplinary forms. Current work is on trust relations in the professions (medicine especially), the professions as stewards of public trusts, and the role public trusts play in the basic structure of a free society. After class, Chalmers practices (not plays) the violin, runs (slowly), and looks for short cuts to logic problems.

Lately I feel like I am in a tough spot. You know when you have to say something that is going to make someone unhappy and you would do anything to avoid it but it's one of those things that has to be done? That's how I feel. There are only a few things in life that I would really not be willing to compromise if I knew that it would make someone I cared about happy, but it seems like this is one of them. I hate being in the position to upset someone. ahhhhckkk.

Thesis is not going to be done on time.

I'm teaching a class Friday that I know nothing about.

Interview on Monday that I don't want to go to.

Stressing because Buffalo is so freakin mismanaged.

that's all, thank goodness

There is an entire like of Casa Visco sauces in the grocery stores in Schenectady. (e:Mike) and (e:Paul) do you have any family in Rotterdam, because that's where this stuff is from. I will let you know how it tastes...

First off, Happy Valentine's Day!

I don't understand why so many people hate Valentine's Day. I know that it can make you feel sad to see so many people in love if you aren't but Valentine's Day doesn't have to be about love with a partner. I received cards for this "holiday" from the most important people in my life and none of them were a boyfriend. (Thanks (e:Mike) for the awesome card...I'm in it forever :)) The only people i bought cards for this year were my mother, grandmothers, and Mary (a family friend). I think it's great to have a day when you can tell the people you love how much they mean.

I know usual gripe (which I just recently heard from my roommate) about Valentine's Day being a commercial fabrication; not really a holiday, just a way to make money. My response to that is that in our society EVERYTHING is seen as a way to make money, that should devalue it. All holidays, even the most religious, are slutted-out to drum up sales. I think that if there was going to be a day created to increase greeting card sales or chocolate consumption then having it be about sharing love isn't all that bad. Furthermore, you don't need to spend a lot of money to get in the spirit of Valentine's Day. Homemade gifts are always the best in my book.

I guess I just wish that people could take a glass half-full approach to Valentine's Day. Most people have someone they love and many people who love them. Rather than focus on the fact that you don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend, why can't you look at what you do have? Maybe I just view it this way because I was raised to see Valentine's Day as a time to tell all the people you love how important they are. It was more of a family affair than a couple's thing in my house. I think that's the way it should be.

In any event, I would like to take this chance to say I love you to all the people who mean so much to me. If I've done my job you know who you are.

My roommate has been gone for a little over 24 hours and I am bored silly. I like having the apartment all to myself, but once the ability to walk around naked lost its excitement I found myself tired of being alone. I have a lot of work I can do but it's hard for me to be productive unless I have had some down time first. I guess I have come to realize that I don't really feel like I can relax when I am all by myself. It's weird because I am very much of a solitary person. I mean I like being around people but when it comes down to it I enjoy being alone more than most. But lately I have been lonely and bored. I need social stimulation. Something is lacking...

Beside those profound thoughts, I have noticed that my behavior is really strange when I am by myself. Why is it that I can't sleep with my bedroom door open? I mean, I know that no one is in the apartment, so why do I need to close it and lock it to sleep? Also, I close the door and lock it when I go to the bathroom. There is really no need for any of these things. I realize that most people would think that i do it out of habit but that's not it. I have consciously thought about what I am doing and then tried not to do it, and I just couldn't sleep or pee. It's something about security I'm sure, but it must be pretty strong if I can't override it by thinking about it consciously.

Last thing. I really hate it when people lie. No, this isn't an epiphany I have come to after years of thinking that I really loved it when I was being lied to. It's just that lately I have noticed that people lie a lot about stupid little things. I do it too. I know that it makes me a hypocrite to say that I want other people to stop doing something that I know I do too, but I find it hard to justify other people's lies and easy to justify my own. I am sure that's how people are able to lie. Sometimes I can see why people do it, for convenience, or because they genuinely think it's better for someone else. It's just that I don't understand why they let it get so out of hand. I find omitting info to be so much scarier than lying because at least with a lie you probably have the feeling that what you are doing is wrong. When someone leaves out details it can easily slip right by the conscience. I don't know why I am rambling about this. I need my roommate to come home or a live person who doesn't have a swim meet to worry about so that I can talk to someone. ugh, I am in a strange mood.

(p.s. Jess, like the title?)

Okay so lately I have been noticing this crazy amount of cars with "W in '04" bumper stickers. Like the circular ones and the rectangular ones that say Bush Cheney in '04. It seems like in the past couple weeks the number of these stickers has risen dramatically where I go to school. I think that the W '04 Phenomenon, as I would like to call it, is a product of all of the people who were Bush supporters during the election but felt embarrassed. I'm sure no one wanted to admit that they supported the dumb guy that they themselves didn't think would win. However, now that Bush won AND he has been inaugurated I think that people want to admit that they supported the side that got into office. I think it's pretty pathetic if you don't feel strongly enough about the side that you are on to admit it to other people without being embarrassed. I realize there were some people who did openly support Bush (and plastered their cars with those ugly stickers) and some people just don’t like bumper sticker. But obviously there are plenty of people who felt like putting a bumper sticker on their car would be too much of a commitment. Just imagine that...you will vote for someone, but you are too afraid to put a bumper sticker on your car that says you support them. I mean after all, what would happen if you had put it on and then they lost?? Maybe you'd have to hold firm in your convictions. Parish the thought!

On another note, graduate school interviews are scary!! :o

It's been quite a while, hasn't it? I guess I haven't written in a bit because there hasn't really been much to talk about. School has been busy and I haven't done anything exciting except writing a paper on the period of adolescence. I suppose that was something to talk about...

Although the paper turned out well (it was the first paper I think I have ever sent to Jesse that he hasn't had to edit!!) the experience of handing it in was brutal. The seminar class I wrote the paper for is specifically on Adolescence. This was our first position paper, which basically means that you have to take a position on a question and defend it in 8 pages or so. When you hand in the paper the class listens to your positions and discusses it- that means you are put on the hotseat of a little bit and forced to debate with everyone else. Although the idea made me nervous, I figured it wouldn't be that bad because the class is only 2 hours long and other people surely wrote the paper this week (you can pick 4 weeks out of 10 to write). NO. I was so wrong. As it turns out I was only one of two people who wrote the paper AND the other person had an elaborate excuse for why he wasn't going to be at class (it had something to do with a passport, a three hour traffic jam, and his brother being in Toronto International Airport). So basically the two hour class turned into me defending against everyone else's criticism and opposing positions. Who would have thought that defining adolescence was such a controversial topic?! We even split up into groups to brainstorm things that I did wrong...and I had to be in a group! Total disaster, seriously.

Anyway, I have recovered from the academic beating and surprisingly I am pretty proud of the paper that I handed in. You would think that I would feel doubtful about my position after all that but I think the experience simply reaffirmed my original ideas on the topic. I am pretty sure that is called belief inoculation, a very cool concept if anyone is interested (yay, psych GRE Teres!).

The only other thing going on in my life is that Shannon, my roommate from last year, is coming to visit for one night on her way back to Portland. She works at a hostel there and loves being a west coast girl. Crazy how much has changed since she lived with Heidi and I last year! I am excited to see her and have the sore stomach that comes from the uncontrollable laughing that she always elicits. I guarantee that for two weeks following her visit I will talk like her...and it will be extremely annoying!

Well that's all that I have for now. I sure made a long post out of absolutely nothing. Hope everyone is well. Take care and keep on keeping those resolutions (if you haven't broken them already)...tata