12/14/06 10:48 - ID#21439
i hate not talking to you.....
drum roll.......the ex.
we have not spoke since last weekend in august. i did something stupid and since then, well she texted me the frst day of my new job good luck, and that was it. i had responded and asked to go to dinner that week, and i got nothing back. so that was it. well anyone i told about what i did (the stupid thing) they said i was an ass, and i agree, however, it was not such an egregious act that should lead to us not talking or seeing each other when things were starting to go well. so, that being said. monday after i spoke with KT i decide to check my emai. and there in the in box it sat. the subject....... a simple............. hi. unfucking real. i mean seriously. she apologized for writing out of the blue, and says she really hates not talking to me. but she understands why it has to be. (oh yeah so why email me) and she wanted me to know that she has been thinking about me a lot, and hopes i am well. now most will say she is saying that she hopes you are doing well, the holidays are here and well its natural. well she is not one to just send little letters, or emails, or make phone calls. so now, it seems with the holiday "schedule" i am probably going to run into her. i just can't seem to get away from it. it drives me crazy. i mean yeah i think of her, probably everyday. its not all consuming, but there are fleeting moments during the day where i daydream, or i get a feeling in my stomach, my chest. i know what it is, and why its there. but i am also trying to cross that bridge, not because i want to forget about her, or not be with her. because she sill not let it happen. its tiring, and annoying. yet if things would work, on her end, i cannot say i would not take her back. i would. when you have that feeling i guess. i don't know. and its not like i don't go out with other people. i do. and i like other people. ah who knows. it does create sadness and melancholy, but not in a negative way. i am full of happiness now suprisingly. i love my job, and i finally see things going in a great direction. i would say i have a ways to go before i get to certain points, but i love waking up and going to work, and i enjoy things more. i got rid of some people who were detrimental to my whole well being. and i just concentrate on myself. while of course being mindful of others. you know what does annoy me, i wrote this post tuesday and for some f'd up reason i cannot post things sometimes. i get a bad request note and the screen is white. ah hopefully this one works. yeah i would want her back. and part of me thinks it will happen. but until then if ever, i am going to do my thing.
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